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Kieron

The club no one wants to join

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Such an obvious observation, Kieron, that I sometimes think we forget.  We have faced the worst.  If only we could say we survived it as in its over and things are back to normal.  I’m going to try and remember that too, but I know it will be a struggle.  Before we lost them, the worst kept shifting and in its intensity and would end til the next one.   Now we have this huge pain that is forever and, for me, is not easing in the slightest.  I didn’t know it could get worse as it has. I just went out for the mail and run Steve’s vans realizing I need to take it for a drive and put gas in it.  Had to transfer oxygen and other things.  It still has an ashtray as we both smoked when he was here.  Should run it thru the car wash too.  These are things that emphasize the worst.  I’ll do them in a numb state and crash later.  

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20 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I usually tell myself before walking out the door to face one of those appointments, etc., "This time tomorrow, it will be in my past."

I like that, I often remind myself, "Tonight this will be behind me and I will be relaxing."

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Yesterday was a bad one.  Just some random hits, a bit like being body-slammed, of recollecting that yes, this is real, and yes, this has happened.  It's difficult to believe how 3 years passed.  I'm at the point where I have to stop and add up the years.  I wonder what that signifies.

I think part of yesterday was reading an online newspaper article about a police officer or peace officer who was shot by a sniper in 1970, in Minnesota, and died.  The article had a photo of his widow and their 3 adult kids she raised alone.  There was a "rolling memorial" by her house, versus in the cemetery (there's that Covid thing again) and the chief of police presented her with roses in his memory.  In the photo, she was shown in profile, with the classic hand-to-mouth gesture that we know so well.  And I thought, 50 years, and the grief is still there.

And then I received a photo from Mark's cousin who sent me a picture of the sapling tree planted in his memory.  It's leafing out beautifully and has more branches than when I was there to visit 18 months ago.  I'm glad it made it through the winter.  So I guess that's something.

 

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I don’t find it odd or anything adding up years.  It used to be days, weeks and months.  I am shocked when I realize the years and how long it has been.  I find it explains so much of my attitude now.  I can invision the pic of the hand to mouth sadness as I still do it myself.  

I had another classic morning of thinking of something and in that twilight sleep before getting up saying to Steve we need to talk about  something and distinctly heard him saying Ok, once you’re up we will.  That’s worse than waking up knowing he’s gone.  Now his voice is in my head for the day.  Always things to talk about but can’t.  

I can’t turn off the counting.  I don’t even try to do it, it’s just a runnng clock in my head I occasionally get to hit the snooze button on.

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I can see someone still grieving after 50 years if they're still alive, my mom was for 33 years.

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Not a good day today....

It occurred to me this morning that I am now the same age as Mark was when we met in 1998.  As if that weren't enough, I was in a grocery store earlier today and noticed someone who vaguely resembled him, from the side and from a distance, but didn't think much of it until we happened to converge in the checkout line, him getting in ahead of me.  Resemblance turned into identical from that perspective, right down to a his balding spot and slight tear in his polo shirt at the shoulder seam (a long story, some other post some other day).  I had to turn around and go to the other end of the store to compose myself.  That was a first real live doppelganger I've encountered so far in these last 3+ years.  I've heard of this happened to other people but it was a first for me.

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I haven’t had someone come that close, but close enough.  I don’t know what I’d do, probably what you did.  Way back when, before the loss, I definitely would have said something to them about the resemblance and then Steve when I got home.  He’d probably have said  did you grab him like you do me to kid me about it.   That’s a huge trigger I would have been so blindsided by, Kieron.  How did you handle it after getting away?  

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Kieron, what an awful double whammy day for you. Not sure how I would have handled it, but it would definitely be a shock to the system although it's said that we all have a doppelganger. Hope the rest of your day goes more smoothly.

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Kieron, I had that happen once, also from behind, his head/neck looked just like George's...it also threw me for a loop.  I hope it didn't knock you down for too long... :(

 

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 How did you handle it after getting away?  

Just read some ingredient labels for awhile, long enough to compose myself and for him to exit the store.  I think in retrospect, since he had a face mask on in the store, it wasn't noticeable I found myself in line behind him.

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