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This IS good news, am hoping it gives your mom some relief too but I know all these things are in the back of our minds as we and our loved ones age.

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  • 1 month later...

Somehow got through the 4 days, from the 19th to the 22nd, but not without a lot of watery reflection.  It's just an inescapable tsunami that sweeps all in its path, and there's no outrunning it, but at least it doesn't leave complete destruction in its wake anymore-- just wet tissues. 

I know grief is said to become softer over time, but turn it over and you'll find there's still a sharp edge.  He used to hate January through February because many significant people, like his own dad, died in that span of time.  Now I've shouldered that burden but shifted it forward to March, the way you set the clock ahead by one hour.  The daylight may be longer as a result, but it might as well still be full dark.

I've started to think of grief as similar to a shell.  You always carry it with you, the way a turtle carries its shell on its back, but do you suppose the turtle ever notices the weight of the shell, the way we notice the weight of our individual griefs?

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4 hours ago, Kieron said:

do you suppose the turtle ever notices the weight of the shell, the way we notice the weight of our individual griefs?

A great analogy, Kieron.  I know I have gotten used to the weight.  I feel it all the time.  Definitely hauling around more than I ever did, and it’s not by choice.

sometimes I feel like I’m in a bubble.  It can only contain so much before it will burst.    It has many times and I’m in another one, never really free.  Sometimes I come close to suffocating before it morphs into another one.  
 

We're all 'chained' in some way now.  I miss the freedom I felt when I was attached to someone so deeply.  Billions of people in the world and now, because of one of them, I don’t matter in that most important way.  There is not one person who would feel as I do if I had died.  I don’t know that I would know if I did, but living day to day knowing that you were that loved and integral made life....life.  
 

I don’t know what this is.   

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Like I've made the analogy before...This is the waiting room. I'm waiting until I can be with Annette again. I can check my phone, and try to distract myself like I used to waiting to be let in to see her at the hospital or after a procedure, but it's just distractions...and it's just waiting. I won't be myself again until we're reunited.

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For myself, my grief is ever with me, I have learned to co-exist with it.

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I’ve had no choice but to coexist with it.  None of us have.  It’s the not saying how hard it is after all this time that is getting to me.  It’s been fueled by the maladies I’ve developed that I would have him to help with.   I’m seeing no one I’ve told really gets it. It was hard enough when it was strictly grief. Now that I am physically struggling, all there are is doctors and lately feeling my counselors aren’t getting how severe this is.  Add in the pandemic trauma everyone is feeling and it’s almost indescribable in words.  I guess that’s why no one gets how bad I feel.  I can’t find the true words, or maybe they don’t exist.

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Gwen, sadly I find more support here than in my family.  My other sister let me down big time the day before, and yesterday tried to rewrite it, which I wouldn't let her do.  Sometimes family is not all its cracked up to be but here we are supposedly strangers and I know all of you get this being alone and on our own and feeling no one cares...more than our own flesh and blood it seems!  Our partners understood but people who still have theirs can't possibly get what we're going through, this last year especially.  Been a long year.  And you throw in medical issues, it seems the last straw sometimes.

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Same here, Kay.  I get the best support.  Even if no one says anything, I know I can anything  (following decorum rules) and it’s OK.  Have to wear so many different masks out there.  Bad pun not meaning the virus one.  I sure miss seeing what someone looks like, but also understanding them.  
 

people often assume family is supportive.   We know from stories here and ourselves, that is not always true.  Which is so very sad.  I still long for my mother who couldn’t fix anything, but could console me as she was so loving.  Same with Ally.  I’ve gotten lots of referrals for social services, but it’s not the same.  They care, but they aren’t close to you personally.
 

 

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Tried my son last night again, phone says he's not available so maybe he's on vacation and out of area.  Who knows.

Going to my sister Peggy's today with Kodie, trying to brighten her day a bit.  I forgive her saying stupid things, she has always been clueless but throw in the dementia, it's way worse, but she's the most guileless person I know, not a mean bone in her body, she just says stupid things w/o thinking them through, and then rewrites history so she can tolerate it...THAT I won't allow.  I hold people accountable for things they say/do.  She has ALWAYS been this way, funny, she's so smart with useless information, like she could win Jeopardy!  But no common sense whatsoever.  Doesn't make good decisions.  She actually did better than I ever anticipated when Bert died but now she's reverted back again.  Hard to understand.  As for Julie, I learned not to turn to her with her latest responses.  Polly I knew I couldn't, she has too many anger/anxiety issues, she does all the talking/controlling.

3/23 was the anv. of my sister Donna's death, hard.  None of my sisters mentioned it but I know it was on all of our minds.

 

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We have always been each others biggest support but I guess this year has brought out the worst.  :(  I think my son must be gone somewhere.  Wish he'd drop a text when he's disappearing, I know they don't want to post it publicly on FB, I get that, but I'm his MOM!

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  • 1 month later...

There's just no end to the whittling away of things that used to be.

There had been some trouble with the trash collection not happening, so I had to call the city and see what the issue is.  We got that sorted out and then the representative asked if we still needed the designation for disabled/handicapped trash collection (which means the sanitation worker would collect the bin even if it wasn't set out properly, because the designation signals the disabled person can't manage the bin.  It was something he set up long ago, in case I was not around to handle it.)  I had to say, of course, that no, it's not needed anymore.  it felt like another stripping away of something arranged by him.  It seems so trivial, but nonetheless, there it is.

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None of it’s trivial, Kieron.   It happens for me also in ways I never thought of. I don’t want any more changes.  I did drop extra internet services Steve used.  Thought I’d feel better about saving some money.  Silly of me as I was cutting out something he used, but definitely wasted cash now.  I won’t see a difference in using the WiFi, but the bill change will remind me every month.  Things have broken I haven’t been able to get fixed, but with him not here they aren’t as impacting.  They are reminders tho.  I want the option to use them.   Nope, it never seems to end.  And what I do get fixed doesn’t feel as accomplished as it did.   

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I've never heard of a handicap designation for trash, they don't have that here.  My sister has a neighbor collect hers off the porch and put it in the can by the road.  She can't do it.

Very few remnants of George after all these years, he's off the bills and I long ago gave most of his clothes away, his job stole his tools, some other things were stolen here years ago, but I still have his robe hanging where it always did, I imagine I always will.  Same with Arlie's coat and leash/collar.

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I  have 'handicap' pick up of my trash and recycle bins.  It’s a service the city offers I’m glad I found out as I have no neighbors I could call on to do it.  It’s sad this used to be a friendly neighborhood, now it’s all renters that keep to themselves.  Way back we had block parties.  
 

Steve is off most everything.  I find very rarely used accounts he is the name on.  I hate those to have to go thru correcting.  Wish I would have saved his robe, tho he only used it from surgery recoveries.  It just was nice and added some warmth to his bathroom.  His office shelves are dusty and cluttered as he left them and the garage the same with his tools and work bench.  I can’t find anything out there.  He always said he was going to organize it.  He put some tools in a very expensive drawer stand.  I just ignore it, it’s not like I need to do anything in that space.

I hate empty collars and leashes.  This is the first time I didn’t get another dog.  I love Ally so much, but am used to 2 dogs.  Can’t do it with my back.  It’s a very tough adjustment.  Went 5 months between losing Belle before getting Melody.  Longer now and I miss the extra life force.
 

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  • 3 months later...

So true Kieron!

Can't believe Ron has been gone over 8 years. Some days I feel like the parade of life has passed by and left me in the dust. Making my bed yesterday, I was suddenly aware how big and empty it is. No more love and laughter. Sad thing is, that's how it will be from now on.

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Going in 7 years I’ve never really adapted to the emptiness.  I fool,myself at times, but it’s just protection from the truth.  The surroundings are familiar, but nothing that happens within them.  I’m used to them, but not comfortable like I was.  The hardest is the world out there thinks we get better at this when actually all we are doing is constantly adapting.  Even for the same things daily, like your bed, Karen.  I miss the sound of another voice too. Especially laughter.  The kind from deep within.  And yes, being loved and loving back.

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Hard for me to believe it's been 16+ years, a lifetime ago since I've been loved, had someone that cared, been alone. Hard to believe how time passes for all of us.  It's like it shattered our lives and then just moved on without us.

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That’s what feels so unfair.  It bursts in, destroys our life and moves on.  We’re left in this wreckage.  It was like a completed jigsaw puzzle tossed in the air and now we sit among the pieces trying to fix what we can, but their not all there.  It took vital ones with it. Stolen.  There is no putting it back together and we deal with that every single day.  Holes that never be filled again. 
 

I find it 2nd nature to believe how long it’s been since I felt loved and loved back.  From the moment I open my eyes, go thru my day and start over again not knowing exactly why.  Time is but a marker we use.  I just know he was here, and when he left my world stopped being a place I want to be.  Not without him.  It never will be. That’s the hardest part to swallow.   I can’t fix that no matter what do.

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Gwen, I completely agree with your sentiments. I don't know why I go on. If I could figure out a way to end things that didn't hurt and would be fool proof, I'd be all over it. I'm not saying I would, but just the thought is so nice. I relate to the suicide note of the actor George Sanders, which said: "Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck"

I hate the fact that thinking of Annette brings sadness instead of joy. For my own self preservation, I limit my thoughts of her, and I hate that I do, because I feel like I'm betraying her. Her father is currently in the hospital fighting COVID. He's holding his own- he's of hearty stock and so was she. Just thinking of how hospitals used to be good places- I know its not a popular opinion, but we had a wonderful hospital in Tulsa, and I always felt that she was being well taken care of there, and it made me feel secure. Now I can't imagine the horror that that hospital is, right in the middle of the country. With all of Annette's health problems, I can't even imagine how stressed out I would be if we were still there, knowing we couldn't depend on our hospital for her needs when they're so overwhelmed. 

He's in the hospital and I feel so cold and alone, because out of the people who are left in my life, he's the one person who I truly feel loves me, as his own son. So, the one person who is the only link I have here to Annette is almost 81, and when he's gone (but not from this, God willing) I will truly be alone and unloved. I don't feel loved by my Mom, I just don't. She doesn't know how to express love- it's just how she was brought up. And I don't even think I can love now in return either. 

 

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5 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't even think I can love now in return either. 

I know I can’t, not like that.  Thee are a few people I love and am so grateful for.  One is willing to set in and get me to the hospital if I have to go earlier.  I can’t imagine taking a service snd fumbling with payments when I have to go inside and do paperwork (no insurance moolah, no service) that Steve usually did.  I can’t even wear my jewelry so am taking that in a baggie as I won’t be without those gifts from him.  Really stripped down to a body only for this.  I may have had to do this for long ago surgeries, but I don’t remember and he was there when I woke up to get it back on.  I’ll be a clumsy mess from meds.  With strangers.

Hospitals are scary places now with the demon virus.  Won’t be the same TLC it was from all the protocols.  I’ll be ripping off masks any chance I get.  I like breathing more.  
 

I’m sorry about your father in law.  I know some conversations were tough, but that he loves you like a son is a precious thing.  I’m sorry about your mom too.  I was fortunate that as much as she could drive me crazy, my mom truly loved me.  It’s at times like this I miss her so much.  So little she could really fix, but her being there so helped.

 

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