Mandatory Shrink Visit

[Blue Captain]

Dad ordered me to see a shrink and talk about Mom to make sure that I won't "do anything ridiculous" (read: drugs, booze, getting a girl pregnant or other nasties) while away at college. I asked him how he thought I'd do something like that but he said kids do stupid stuff once we get away from home and those who had experienced grief and trauma lash out this way. I was really offended that he'd think I'm capable of doing that. But there's no getting around it. The law was laid down.

I'd told him I'm wary of talking to a stranger because of my experience with talking to adults about Mom. I can see judgment in their body language, in their words. These people know me yet they had conclusions before anything started. How much more a stranger? I haven't been to a support group ever. And I'm really not into talking about personal topics with people I don't know. Dad grunted and told me to stop being a baby. 

What really happens when people visit a shrink? All I know is what I see in movies (lying on the sofa and talking while the shrink takes notes). Websites say shrinks are professionals and keep secrets. What else? I don't know how it works. And I don't like to walk into the clinic behaving weirdly.  

[Kieron]

Hello.  ironically enough, I have worked in the field of mental health for over 15 years, and now looking at it from the other side, in a way.  Here's what happens: you meet with a shrink, you're going to walk into the clinic or office and check in.  The shrink may have a small office they or a colleague work out of, and you see maybe one other person in the waiting area.  Or if it's a big clinic, lots of people will be checking in, coming for appointments or leaving, and there will be office staff taking calls or checking people in.  Most of the time, no one really interacts or makes eye contact in the waiting area.  Once you're called in by the shrink, you'll sit down on a sofa or comfortable chair and make small talk with the shrink.  Lying on the sofa is kind of a thing of the past.    They'll ask you what brings you in to see them.  You can say as little or as much as you want.  If you aren't comfortable with the person, you can look for another one.  It's OK to ask for a referral to someone else.  it happens all the time.  There's no way we can all like everyone else.  You might want someone who has a similar background to you, ie. gender, ethnicity, etc.  Or you might not care.  Again, it's not to be taken personally by the shrink if you decide they're not a good fit.  This is YOUR time and the shrink had better be the right one.  They do take notes, but these are only for reference later to check progress.  They cannot share your information with  anyone else (like Dad) without your written consent, or but they can and must share it with law enforcement if the patient starts making threats to harm themselves or other people.  That is called Duty to Warn.  They will explain all this in the first session, and give you paperwork such as Rights & Responsibilities, and forms about HIPAA (data privacy, basically).  They don't prescribe meds unless licensed to do so.  When you come and go from the clinic, you will probably pass people in the hallway or lobby or street and no one will have a clue you just left or are just arriving at a shrink's office.  And to be quite honest, most people are so wrapped up in their own problems, they really won't care.

I hope this was helpful.  I'm sure someone else will add something I forgot.

[kayc]

And you mention you don't like talking about personal things with people you don't know...but you do it here.  The only difference is here we aren't physically in front of you and we don't know each other's real names.  But in the professional field, they aren't allowed to share information, except if you are a danger to yourself or someone else, then they're mandated reporters.  But I don't see you that way.  Your dad may not know how to talk to you about your mom and maybe isn't as personal and interactive as he could be, but he's done something right, he's raised a respectful young man and that says something in this day and age!  I wish you well with the sessions and who knows, maybe you'll get something from it.  It can't hurt.  And good luck with your studies, I hope you enjoy college.  Check in with us now and then so we'll know how you're doing, okay?

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam KayC,

Yes, I speak in this forum. The reason I do is because I cannot and will not see the faces of the people who join in. So at least it's one less judgmental stare, one less loaded body language. I hope it makes sense and that I don't offend anybody with that. But it's like the screen of my computer or phone acts as an armour of some sort.

I'll give this shrink thing a shot. And I'll check  in from time to time too, Ma'am.

 

With respects,

Blue Captain

[Blue Captain]

Dear Mr Kieron,

Thank you for giving a rundown of what happens in the clinic.

 

With respects,

Blue Captain

[MartyT]

Most skilled counselors and therapists are trained in the art of listening, establishing rapport and establishing a therapeutic relationship with their clients. Listening is their stock in trade, after all. If you load this article, you'll find several additional readings at the end, explaining what good counseling involves. They will give you an idea of what to expect: Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

I don't know how much say you have in whatever "shrink" your dad has selected for you, but it's important to know that not all therapists are specialists in loss and grief. Given your circumstances, I think it's important that you see someone with skills, training and experience in the field of thanatology (death, dying and bereavement). See, for example, Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

[kayc]

Ahh, we wouldn't look askew at you, but I understand your feelings.   It is easier to hide behind anonymity but I don't think you'll have any problems with a professional bound by oath to privacy.  I do hope, as Marty pointed out, that you'll get someone who is a GRIEF specialist.  You don't strike me as needing a shrink, so I hope your dad selects one appropriate to deal with grief.  Good luck to you!

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you for sending the links.

 

With respects,

Blue Captain

[Blue Captain]

How do I pick a therapist? Dad gave me a list to choose from: eight men and women, all old enough to be my parents, grief experts and dealing with teens. But their introduction is full of medical jargon and I don't understand anything. "I'm a member of [society/fellowship] and my methods are [method names]. I've tried Googling some of the words but it's way out of my league. Good news is that the therapists I'm to choose from are near where I'll be for college. I know that their profile pictures can't be the sole basis and the first few sessions would be a way of gauging whether the therapist and I can click or not. Should I just pick one at random and see if it works? 

 

[MartyT]

I think for you the most important thing to look for is whether the therapist you choose has any experience in working with grief and bereavement. That information should be evident in the introductions you've mentioned. (Membership in a national organization that has something to do with grief and bereavement is a good indicator ~ such as the Association for Death Education and Bereavement, or ADEC.) You can decide whether you would prefer working with a man or a woman, so you might want to give this some thought. Then look for the credentials held by the therapist. You want someone who holds at least a master's degree and is licensed to practice in your state. Next, look for certification by a board of specialists in the field ~ in this case, the field of thanatology, which indicates exceptional expertise in death, dying and bereavement. (For  example, as a grief counselor I have a master's degree in Advanced Psychiatric Nursing Practice, I hold a multistate license to practice as a registered nurse, and I am certified by the ADEC as a Fellow in Thanatology (FT).) Location matters, so you can get yourself to and from appointments, so it's good that all your choices are near your college. 

[MartyT]

And this just up from our friend and colleague, Megan Devine over at Refuge in Grief:  How to Find A Grief Therapist ❤️

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you.

With respects,

Blue Captain

[Blue Captain]

I've been reading online on what to do during the first meetings. Some questions are: purpose and plan (from what the article said it sounds like a timeline). How do I answer these questions politely? It sounds quite rude to say that my father told me--more like ordered--to have therapy. I have no timeline because I don't know how this works. 

What is the normal timeline for grief therapy for teens? I realize that there is no definite timeline and it will be different for every person. But is there some sort of period to gauge if therapy is working? (The article said counselling is not for life).

[MartyT]

Let honesty be your guide, my friend. There is nothing impolite about answering questions truthfully. It's okay to let your therapist know that you're there at your dad's insistence, and it's okay to say you're not sure if you need to be there. (Knowing why a person is seeking therapy at a particular point in time is key, and so is what the person expects to gain from such therapy. This is information that any counselor or therapist would want to know at the beginning.) You can go on to share what is going on in your life right now, and why you think your dad thinks you need to see a therapist. 

There is no way to set a timeline for therapy. It all depends on what you and your therapist decide is best for you, given your particular circumstances and what you expect to gain from it. Usually you will know after the first three sessions if you're getting something positive out of it and if you want to continue with it. 

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

It sounds quite rude to say that my father told me--more like ordered--to have therapy. I have no timeline because I don't know how this works. 

You can be honest and still tactful, I'd say something like, "My father wanted me to have therapy."  I'd ask the counselor how it works and what to expect.  They should be able to give you some things to think about for your next visit.

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT and Madam KayC,

Thank you for your replies.

 

With respects,

Blue Captain

[Blue Captain]

How can you know that you are healed from grief? Is it possible that you are healed but still can't stand to look at the stuff of the person who passed away-- including pictures and people who look like them (children, siblings, a stranger, etc)? 

[MartyT]

 

14 minutes ago, Blue Captain said:

How can you know that you are healed from grief?

As I've written elsewhere, Captain, grief is not an illness to be cured or an injury from which you will recover. Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone dearly loved. It is a burden that  you learn to carry as you come to better understand and manage it ~ but the wound itself never goes away. And death does not erase the relationship we have with the one who has died. The love we have for that individual will last forever, just as long as we keep the person's memory alive in our mind and heart.

Many bereaved have trouble with that word "healed" and I think it all depends on how we're using the word. In fact I wrote an article about that very thing ~ I invite you to read it here: Grief Healing: Where Did You Get That Name?

 

15 minutes ago, Blue Captain said:

Is it possible that you are healed but still can't stand to look at the stuff of the person who passed away-- including pictures and people who look like them (children, siblings, a stranger, etc)? 

The thing about grief is that it changes over time, just as we may change in our reactions to it. Although you may find it difficult to look at your deceased person's "stuff" right now, that may not be how you feel in days or months or even years from now. If you find that you "still can't stand to look at the stuff of the person who passed away," it's okay to wait until you feel better able to do so. You simply cannot hurry grief ~ it takes as long as it takes, and it's perfectly okay to take it in small "doses." Think of it this way: If you must eat an elephant, better to do it in smaller bites that you can tolerate and digest over time rather than trying to eat it all at once, which would only cause you to choke on it.

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you for helping me with the therapy homework. :-)

[kayc]

It's been 13 years since my husband died, and it's STILL difficult to go through our cards/pictures.  I have some photos up on the wall, of course, and a few of his notes around the house, but to dig in and go through our cards and pictures of our life together, that's STILL too hard.  Perhaps by the time I'm 90...
It takes what it takes.  For myself, I've accepted that grief is the rest of my life.  It doesn't have a definitive ending, it does evolve with time.  The intensity of pain in the beginning has lessened to something more bearable, thankfully.