Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

A week ago today


Recommended Posts

A week ago today I felt something was not right...

My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship. We met online in May of 2014. He was living in England and I was living in California. We had a bit of a complicated relationship. We were so much alike yet so different. We bit off eachothers heads sometimes but always loved eachother anyway. We were working on a better relationship. Shortly after, he moved to Canada to start over because he got into a bit of trouble in England. He was also closer to me so that made things a little easier. I never judged him. I loved him with all of my heart.

He had his demons and I had mine too. His was just a little worse than mine. He was caught up in the game of selling pills and taking them. I tried getting him to realize that wasn't the way to live and reminded him constantly of why he moved to Canada, to start over. But of course I was acting like "his mother". I realized there was nothing I can do.

We kept going dispite the distance and the hard times. 

A week ago today, I felt something was not right...

Tuesday of last week he told me he wasn't feeling well. I didn't think much of it because he was kind of always feeling sick. He started getting seizures maybe 2 years ago due to the over use of Xanax, I believe. And always had bad headaches and was in constant pain every day due to exploded discs in his back from when he was around 20. Wednesday I asked him if he was feeling any better and he said no, he felt really sick. Said he had a temp and a bad headache. I asked him if he was going to the hospital and he ignored the question. So I just told him to take a tylenol and put a cold wash cloth on his head. We spoke a little after that but not much. I knew he wasn't feeling well so I decided to give him some time to rest. Thursday, I asked him if he felt any better. No response. I tried changing the subject and sent him a picture of my new hair. No response. I figured he was just ignoring me because he wasnt feeling well. I left him alone. Friday comes around, I usually eventually get a response but I still had nothing. I began to worry. I felt something was not right. There was no presence of him anywhere. Usually when he ignored me I could still see his presence on social media. There was nothing for over a day. He lived in the basement of his friends parent's home. I text her, she didnt respond. I called her, no response. I then was freaking out so I text her one more time and said I was so worried about Mike, can you please check on him? She never did respond. 

I then started calling the local hospitals. Oddly one of them said he was there getting an MRI. I confirmed he was there that day and they said yes. I felt relieved. I assumed maybe he had a seizure and was at the hospital. I fell asleep early that night. And the next morning my world came crashing down. I had a few missed calls from his cousin and a text asking me to call him. I called him right away and thats when he gave me the news that Mike had passed away. They found him in his bed Friday when I asked the landlord to check on him.

Its been a week since and I feel like Ive died too. He was my whole world. I had a trip planned to see him today. Now instead Im taking that trip to meet his parents and sister who flew from England. I feel like life isnt even worth living anymore. He was my reason to live. He was always there for me whenever I needed him. And now I can never get him back. I have no one. My dad died when I was 15 and my mom lives in Minnesota. 

He was only 30 years old. I don't know how to deal with this. I have my friends constantly checking on me and Im trying to keep busy but nothing is helping. I tried going to therapy. That didn't help at all. I just dont know what to do with myself. Everything reminds me of him. He was the man I wanted to marry. I had a plan to move to Canada to be with him and start my life over because I am so tired of living in California doing the same things over and over. There's nothing here for me. And now that I don't have him I really don't have anyone. Friends and some family are there yes, but everyone has their own lives to deal with and I get that. But I truly feel alone. Everytime I saw something funny or gross or weird I would always call or text him and he'd laugh with me. I felt secure and safe with him. I just don't know what to do.

I still don't know how he went but I have an idea. And its terrible. He had a problem, no one could help him. I just feel so guilty because maybe if I tried a little bit harder to get him to see that what he was doing was not right then maybe he'd still be here today. And then I think I should of not nagged at him so much or started arguements with with because they we're so dumb. Why did I do that? 

I originally planned to go there August 11th, but there were scheduling problems at work. And I feel like if I went there then he would still be alive today. And I feel SO GUILTY. I feel sick. I feel like there is nothing more for me to do here in life. I don't know how to go on. I just want him back. Does it get any easier? Because I don't think it will. Im only 28 but he was my first love and I wanted my life to end with him. I just don't know what to do.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Katie 32188

I'm so sorry for your loss.  This is a great place to come and share.  Everyone on here has dealt with the loss of their partner and understands your sorrow.  Please try to find a therapist you can talk to as well.  It is through talking and listening that we learn how to cope at this unimaginably horrible time.  

My loss was nearly 3 years ago but I know how devastating the early days can be.  You may have been able to postpone his death but if he didn't want to get off the drugs it would happen at some other time.  You did what you could to try to help him and you loved him, that is the best anyone could do.  It's important to care for yourself right now.  He wouldn't want you to lose your life because he is gone.  You wouldn't have been together if he felt otherwise.  Moment by moment.  Please seek help from a professional and continue to post here.

Marita

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie,

I am so sorry for your loss...words are so inadequate for this, I know what it is like, my husband was my world and when he died, well to say your world came crashing down is an understatement.  In time we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, yes, but it takes much time to process our grief.  It's important for you to give yourself adequate time to process your grief, to adjust, and meanwhile to take care of yourself because that gives us optimum chance for getting through this.  Keep coming here, reading and posting, it helps to know you're not alone in how you're feeling.  It also helps to see a professional grief counselor...not all counselors are trained in grief, so it's important to make sure it's one who is.  
I wouldn't want to live through those early days again for anything in the world...we wonder how we got through it, I think the shock helps insulate us a bit, but oh gosh it's hard!
 

I wrote this based on what I've learned in my grief journey...I know most of it can't even sink in to you right now, it helps to save a copy to read every couple of months and see what stands out to you then because it's an ever evolving journey.  I hope even one thing is of help to you, we need all we can get when we're going through this.  The single biggest help was taking a day at a time, that's all we can handle anyway, and the second biggest help to me was learning to focus on what is good, embrace it, nothing is too small to count.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Widowedbysuicide

Thank you for replying. You're right when you say it would of happened eventually, everyone is saying that. But I just somehow feel that if I moved there that he would of stopped. Because I made him promise not to do it in front of me. And I would of either tried getting him help or make him see that there are other things he could be doing with his time. I would of nagged at him every day because I'd know I'd be living there and not just visiting. I tried not to nag at him while I was visiting because I didnt want to lose him. I'm really trying not to think like this but its hard. I just wish I would of been there to help him, take him to the hospital if he was feeling sick. I just dont know how to care for myself right now. All I can do is think about him and all of the things we were going to do together. What did you do to cope with all of this? And I am so sorry for your loss as well. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@kayc

Kayc, Thank you for the tips. I feel as if they will help me in the future. Im really trying to take care of myself. But its very very hard. I saw a therapist on Monday but I felt that it didn't help me much. Im just dreading the coming days. Im meeting his mom and sister this weekend in Toronto. Helping them clean and getting a chance to get to know them, as I never met them before. Then theres the funeral, I dont know when it is yet, but then what after that? There's nothing. Im afraid of that. Im trying to take it day by day but I cant help but worry about the future. Ive had major anxiety before this and now its gotten worse. I just dont know what to do with myself. He kept me going, he made me want to wake up every day, he was my best friend and someone I could tell everything to. I just keep having to say out loud that this is real to make it reality. I am so sorry for your loss as well. What did you do in the early days to help cope with your sadness? 

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello again Katie 32188,

I just took things one at a time and lived moment by moment at first.  My husband and I were childhood friends so we had a very long history.  I was 23 when we married and we were married for 35+ years.  His death was a shock to me and to our son who was 28 at the time.  It takes time to really process the loss.  Some things are very evident right away and other things become more clear with time.  I wish you weren't suffering this loss.  Age doesn't make this easier or harder.  If you could try a grief therapist and give it a few times of meeting you might find it helps.  Right now it is so harsh that our thinking is all over the place and it's difficult to really know if it will help or not.  Grief is not something you can feel better about for awhile.  It is a process where we just have to keep breathing, sleeping, eating, healing.  Try not to think too far into the future as it will probably make you feel worse.  Just take the time you need to care for yourself.  It is hard, sometimes are harder than others.  We all are different and the relationship between us and our loved ones may be different or similar but the journey of grief takes as much time as it needs for each of us.

You are a good person who has suffered a huge loss and if you treat yourself well you will be in good shape to deal with all the hard stuff.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Widowedbysuicide

Hello Martia,

I cannot imagine knowing someone that long and being with them that long and then losing them. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. 

I will try a grief therapist because I feel like that is all that will help me. Because nothing is helping. How do I treat myself well? I dont even know where to begin. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, katie32188 said:

I saw a therapist on Monday but I felt that it didn't help me much.

That's common in the first session...they are usually just getting to know you and what you hope to get out of it.  Be candid with him/her and let them know so you can talk about expectations.  It's hard, I remember!
There are so many helps here that aren't on the other one because here we have a moderator that is also a grief counselor.  She has a course to take, Tools for healing, meditations, lists of books, tons of articles, I won't bog you down right now, but don't be afraid to ask for anything you think of, one of us will be able to direct you to an answer.  You're in good hands here.  And the other place..there's lots of young people going through it so you won't feel alone in it, there's some here too.
 

By treating yourself well we mean eat something healthy whether you feel like it or not, drink some water, and take a walk.  Surround yourself with supportive people, now's not the time to put up with toxic people, you're taxed as it is, you need caring understanding people around.
 

I have GAD (general anxiety disorder) too and can relate...when you're hit with sudden death it gets your anxiety in overtime...I've learned to tell myself "back to TODAY" and do it.  We don't need to be worrying about the whole rest of our life or even the near future.  You're doing well by getting up and getting dressed.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie, Kay is right.  It’s hard to get used to because our world gets so changed forever,  but just getting up and dressed is a major thing now.  Being kind to yourself means giving yourself credit you did that one little thing.  I have an anxiety disorder too and it ramped up from the grief and stress.  Had to increase my meds to control it and felt defeated.  A counselor helps me see the enormity of my loss and I have darned good reasons for more intense reactions.  

It does take some time to get comfortable in counseling.  It’s because if the reason you are there.  Pain.  Remember that you are the boss.  Ask questions if you don’t start feeling you click.  Not all counselors are a good fit.  I made sure mine had suffered losses themselves so I could expect them to understand.  It’s not against any ethical guideline for them to answer yes without details.  2 I saw hadn’t so I knew they could not help me beyond 'book' learning.  That’s not enough.  

Im sorry to be yet another to welcome you here.  The people here are the most caring and understanding of everything you feel and question if it’s normal.  You’ll find it is.  🦋

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, kayc said:

That's common in the first session...they are usually just getting to know you and what you hope to get out of it.  Be candid with him/her and let them know so you can talk about expectations.  It's hard, I remember!
There are so many helps here that aren't on the other one because here we have a moderator that is also a grief counselor.  She has a course to take, Tools for healing, meditations, lists of books, tons of articles, I won't bog you down right now, but don't be afraid to ask for anything you think of, one of us will be able to direct you to an answer.  You're in good hands here.  And the other place..there's lots of young people going through it so you won't feel alone in it, there's some here too.
 

By treating yourself well we mean eat something healthy whether you feel like it or not, drink some water, and take a walk.  Surround yourself with supportive people, now's not the time to put up with toxic people, you're taxed as it is, you need caring understanding people around.
 

I have GAD (general anxiety disorder) too and can relate...when you're hit with sudden death it gets your anxiety in overtime...I've learned to tell myself "back to TODAY" and do it.  We don't need to be worrying about the whole rest of our life or even the near future.  You're doing well by getting up and getting dressed.

I will try to continue to go. Did it help you when you went? And are you still going? 

It does make me feel like there is a little bit of hope knowing there are so many caring people here who have gone through, and are going through what I am going through. Thank you for being so kind. 

I am trying to care for myself. I just can’t seem to feel like eating much since I’ve lost him. But I’m trying. But I also find myself needing to go out and drink. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to sit at home. Ive taken some time off of work because I can’t deal with everyone right now but do you know what I can do besides being home? When I’m home all  I think about is him and all of the stuff that reminds me of him is there. It drives me crazy. 

I cant help but worry about the future. I’ve always been a worrier. I don’t know how to not worry. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Katie.  I’m Katie too.  I’m so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband to suicide and he too was just 30.  

Give the counseling a few sessions and hopefully it will feel safe and right and begin to help you.  

Please do come here as often as needed.  You will get a lot of support. ♥️

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Counseling can be a big help...I firmly believe in it.  I'm 13 years out so no, not going now.  ;)  I'm also a worrier, but I've learned to confront myself with self talk.  If nothing else, the doctor can issue you a sleeping pill so you can get a decent night's sleep...or even 1/2 a night.  I wish I'd done that in the beginning, it was hard to function and work on no sleep, I made it too hard on myself trying to tough it out.  Some things I've learned the hard way, in retrospect.  I'm a worrier too, can worry about anything, especially in the middle of the night when I need to be sleeping.  I've learned if I don't get back to sleep in an hour, to get up, pray/meditate, read, come here...oh and take something to help me sleep...then try again.  Nothing worse than tossing/turning for hours!  Music can help too.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Katie, Kay is right.  It’s hard to get used to because our world gets so changed forever,  but just getting up and dressed is a major thing now.  Being kind to yourself means giving yourself credit you did that one little thing.  I have an anxiety disorder too and it ramped up from the grief and stress.  Had to increase my meds to control it and felt defeated.  A counselor helps me see the enormity of my loss and I have darned good reasons for more intense reactions.  

It does take some time to get comfortable in counseling.  It’s because if the reason you are there.  Pain.  Remember that you are the boss.  Ask questions if you don’t start feeling you click.  Not all counselors are a good fit.  I made sure mine had suffered losses themselves so I could expect them to understand.  It’s not against any ethical guideline for them to answer yes without details.  2 I saw hadn’t so I knew they could not help me beyond 'book' learning.  That’s not enough.  

Im sorry to be yet another to welcome you here.  The people here are the most caring and understanding of everything you feel and question if it’s normal.  You’ll find it is.  🦋

Gwenivere,

Thank you for your response. I will continue to go to therapy but it’s hard when I feel like I should or want to go every day and there aren’t enough appointments. All I feel like is I don’t want to be alone. But I’ve been alone for about 10 years, and right now it just seems like I can’t do it. I’m alone now and all I want to do is cry.

I really hope I find the right therapist. And you’re right, finding one who had also suffered loss is such a good idea. Thank you for your advise. 

How else do you cope with your anxiety, besides medication and therapy? I’ve never been a med person. I was prescribed Xanax but I never took it. And now I don’t think I ever will...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, A&K said:

Hi Katie.  I’m Katie too.  I’m so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband to suicide and he too was just 30.  

Give the counseling a few sessions and hopefully it will feel safe and right and begin to help you.  

Please do come here as often as needed.  You will get a lot of support. ♥️

Hi Katie,

I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Did or does counseling help for you? What else did you do to cope?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Katie, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 4years ago, he was 31. We understand your pain, no matter the circumstances of your loss, your life story, relationship and age. Everyone cares here and I hope you will keep coming, to read or to pos 

Nothing seemed to help me back then and therapy was my only resource to let my pain to be expressed, my first counsellor wasn't good and my second one got much of my grief.

Most probably people will start to not understand your grief. You may start hearing platitudes being said to you. If so, come here. We have been were you are now.

As in your case, I was not married and I was very young for living this horrible experience, I didn't have the tools to deal with so much pain. grief is very complicated to deal with, with time you learn to co exist and mange it, that is what time is, you develop scar tissue.

I know you cannot eat now, but try to eat even if little. Don't quit with food and with drinking water, even if these actions collide with the pain you are feeling. Just try and any other thing, let it be enough for today.

Unfortunately thoughts and guilty will stay with you for a time. It is ok now, it is all normal. With time too your guilt feelings will diminish. We "need" guilt to find a reason and an explanation to their deaths, when there is no reason, no explanation and no sense to it. We want to understand why our love wasnt enough to keep them alive. 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Counseling can be a big help...I firmly believe in it.  I'm 13 years out so no, not going now.  ;)  I'm also a worrier, but I've learned to confront myself with self talk.  If nothing else, the doctor can issue you a sleeping pill so you can get a decent night's sleep...or even 1/2 a night.  I wish I'd done that in the beginning, it was hard to function and work on no sleep, I made it too hard on myself trying to tough it out.  Some things I've learned the hard way, in retrospect.  I'm a worrier too, can worry about anything, especially in the middle of the night when I need to be sleeping.  I've learned if I don't get back to sleep in an hour, to get up, pray/meditate, read, come here...oh and take something to help me sleep...then try again.  Nothing worse than tossing/turning for hours!  Music can help too.

 

It’s good to know that counseling helps. I’ve always had trouble sleeping because of my work schedule but it’s also because of the constant anxiety. I’ve never been one to take any sort of pill, besides a Tylenol. And now after this I don’t think I will ever be able to take anything but one Tylenol again. Right now I just can’t see the need to care for myself. I really want to but I just can’t seem to be able to do it right now. I thought things were going to get a little bit better but now I’m in Canada and it’s like it happened all over again. How long did it take you to start caring for yourself again? 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, scba said:

Hello Katie, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 4years ago, he was 31. We understand your pain, no matter the circumstances of your loss, your life story, relationship and age. Everyone cares here and I hope you will keep coming, to read or to pos 

Nothing seemed to help me back then and therapy was my only resource to let my pain to be expressed, my first counsellor wasn't good and my second one got much of my grief.

Most probably people will start to not understand your grief. You may start hearing platitudes being said to you. If so, come here. We have been were you are now.

As in your case, I was not married and I was very young for living this horrible experience, I didn't have the tools to deal with so much pain. grief is very complicated to deal with, with time you learn to co exist and mange it, that is what time is, you develop scar tissue.

I know you cannot eat now, but try to eat even if little. Don't quit with food and with drinking water, even if these actions collide with the pain you are feeling. Just try and any other thing, let it be enough for today.

Unfortunately thoughts and guilty will stay with you for a time. It is ok now, it is all normal. With time too your guilt feelings will diminish. We "need" guilt to find a reason and an explanation to their deaths, when there is no reason, no explanation and no sense to it. We want to understand why our love wasnt enough to keep them alive. 

 

 

 

 

@scba

Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss as well. 

How often did you go to therapy? 

I try to eat and drink, I really do. Even if I try forcing myself I can’t do it. I eat just a little bit and I feel like that’s the best I can do. It’s hard to want to do much. Even if I go out with my friends Im sitting there thinking about him. I feel useless. 

I’m saddened to know this guilt will stay with me for a while. I know it wasn’t my fault but I can’t help but feel there was more I could do. Do you still feel guilty or how long did you feel guilty for? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh my dear Katie, asking how long someone felt this or that, asking how long grief lasts or "How Long Will This Pain Go On?" ~ It's like asking "How high is up?" Even though we've learned a lot about what is normal / common in grief, we've also learned that grief is different for everyone ~ simply because we are unique individuals and we're each so different from one another: in age, gender, personality, past experiences with loss, what we were taught as children, who we've lost and our unique relationship with that person, when and how the person died, and on and on. So many variables! Rather than asking how long did someone else feel guilty, you would do well to read a bit about guilt and regret in grief, and discover for yourself what you might do to better understand and cope with your own feelings and reactions. See also:

Guilt and Regret in Grief  

Guilt and Regret Following the Death of a Friend

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Oh my dear Katie, asking how long someone felt this or that, asking how long grief lasts or "How Long Will This Pain Go On?" ~ It's like asking "How high is up?" Even though we've learned a lot about what is normal / common in grief, we've also learned that grief is different for everyone ~ simply because we are unique individuals and we're each so different from one another: in age, gender, personality, past experiences with loss, what we were taught as children, who we've lost and our unique relationship with that person, when and how the person died, and on and on. So many variables! Rather than asking how long did someone else feel guilty, you would do well to read a bit about guilt and regret in grief, and discover for yourself what you might do to better understand and cope with your own feelings and reactions. See also:

Guilt and Regret in Grief  

Guilt and Regret Following the Death of a Friend

Thank you for the links again. 

Im not so much asking how long does guilt or grief last. But I’m asking how long did it last for them. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand, Katie, and that is fine. In fact, that's one of the benefits of surrounding yourself with others whose losses are similar to your own. You don't need to explain how or why you feel the way you do, because others here are walking a similar path ~ and when you're in a foreign land, it helps to have some guides who know the language and the lay of the land. It's also just good to know that whatever you are feeling will be normal for you, because this is your own unique journey, and in the end, you will find your own way through whatever lies ahead for you. ❤️

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, katie32188 said:

How long did it take you to start caring for yourself again

When I was in shock it's like I wasn't aware if I was eating or drinking or not but my daughter followed me around the house with a plate of food and glass of water...I got edema immediately after he died, which is dangerous, so I had to make a conscious effort to make sure I drank plenty of water.

I can understand your not wanting pills...I'm on anti-anxiety medicine but I also take my medicines only as prescribed and am religious about taking them on a regular basis.  I do take a Benedryl at night to help not only my allergies (we're getting a lot of smoke from fires in Oregon) but also it helps me sleep (side effect).

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, katie32188 said:

I try to eat and drink, I really do. Even if I try forcing myself I can’t do it. I eat just a little bit and I feel like that’s the best I can do.

I found it helped to drink healthy smoothies.  One of them was yogurt, strawberries, bananas, a bit of concentrated orange juice, spinach, protein powder, and granola, blended...it has all the food groups.  You can leave out the granola if you want.  I also have one with kale, applesauce, bananas, celery, and rhubarb, it sounds strange but it's not bad and it seems to help my system.  You can explore other smoothies, I found it's easier than eating when you're upset.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, katie32188 said:

How else do you cope with your anxiety, besides medication and therapy? I’ve never been a med person. I was prescribed Xanax but I never took it. And now I don’t think I ever will...

Katie, I understand your not wanting to take medication because of what you saw happen to Mike.  I take Xanax and it truly helps me with my panic an anxiety attacks.  It’s not abusing them,it’s taking them for what they are for.  Living with added anxiety, IMO, makes things harder for to handle with a racing mind.  It’s something to consider as you are not doing what he was.  They are tools available to you.  That and counseling keep me semi sane.  And that is a huge endeavor at times like this.  Totally your decision tho.  Perhaps call the doctor that prescribed them for done assurance and explain how you are feeling.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...