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Some days are just so long


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Friday was Stephen's gathering of family and friends.  It was a lovely gathering, and although I try to recall all of it, most of it is foggy.

Today is Monday.  Today is the day with no more planning for final goodbye.  When everyone has moved on to their normal day (work, family, etc.).  And the quiet is sometimes deafening.

And the continuation of  dealing with the "business" end of everything.  I can admit I've done a huge amount in a short period of time.  And hope tomorrow doesn't bring yet another something new that needs attention.  

I'm beginning to recognize "enough" and "get off the hampster wheel."  But then I'm left with what do I do next?  I can't stand the pacing or feeling of being trapped.

I'm not ready for deep socialization.  I've pushed past my comfort zone in going to the grocery store, etc., albeit when it's not crowded.  And I smile and say hello to people as I pass by.

I tried to watch a movie earlier, but nope, not ready for that.  TV is on for the noise only.

On Friday I had that your body is telling you to crash and burn.  I listened and had a long hard sleep.  Not so much since then.

Today is just a day feeling drained.  I know to give myself permission to feel drained.  Still doesn't make it feel any better.

Thank goodness for the generosity of neighbors who brought food that I could freeze.  I'm getting ready to cook another hash brown cassarole, because it's the one comfort food I can eat.  Looking in the freezer is pointless, as I'm definitely not ready for cooking yet.  Cooking for one, and eating alone, isn't even in the cards yet. I can hardly bare looking at some of the frozen foods that were Stephen's favorite, so I'll just keep closing that freezer door.  I' am eating and I'm keeping hydrated and I'm taking vitamins and I'm getting some exercise.

A day at a time.....

~Shirley

 

 

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1 hour ago, shebert56 said:

 I' am eating and I'm keeping hydrated and I'm taking vitamins and I'm getting some exercise.

A day at a time.....

If you are doing all of that this soon after the death of your beloved, Shirley, I am very, very proud of you. This is quite enough to expect of yourself, and for now I hope you will let it be enough. ❤️

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Drained.  Trapped.  Oh yes, I remember those feelings.  The days and weeks after he was gone and everyone else had returned to their normal lives, I didn't do much but force myself to go to work with a mask on, come home and set that mask aside, and find a chair outside, or inside when it was winter, and just sit, sometimes read, mostly stare into space.  When I read any books, it was books I had read more than once, because I could enjoy them without putting too much energy into the activity.  Looking out at the arc of my new life only resulted in the panicky realization of "Oh crap.  He really is gone.   I'm alone."  I needed time to reach a certain amount of distance from it, but that time was hard to come by.

I remember often feeling like a caged animal caught in a trap it never saw until the trapdoor snapped shut.  I still have those moments, 18 months later.   All I can do is breathe through them, and let them move through me and go on their way to wherever it is chaotic feelings go.  I pace some nights when my mind won't shut off, and I roam the house from top to bottom as though searching for him, look at everything around me and think "What the hell am I going do with this place?"  I still have no answers.

 

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Kieron, yes, I feel you.  The evenings are not as bad for me, because I think thank goodness, it's the end of the day.  I know to take it a day at a time.  When I feel trapped, I go outdoors as well.  I always was the "lawn person" of our family, so I continue on with those items.  Hot here in Florida, but I'm accustomed to it and it provides a release for me.  Reading I do as well, but I definitely understand the focus thing so I read slowly and sometimes one or two pages at a time, then put it down.  I, like you, acknowledge the feelings (and they are hardly easy).  I'm not sure there are any answers.  We'll all make our own way in time, whatever that "way" is.

MartyT, slowly learning how to navigate.  I know it's a marathon, not a sprint.  And I know I must keep myself in mind now as well.  I am not over expecting of myself.  Also conscious of the weight I'm losing through grief.

Hugs to all.

~Shirley

 

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I think when I was going through that in early grief, I wanted to talk to someone, be on the phone, but everyone seemed to disappear on me.  I couldn't watch a movie/t.v. for a year after and I didn't get back love of reading for enjoyment for ten years.  I did have a couple of friends ask me to teach them what I knew about stamp art so every Tuesday evening for a year they came up, and I enjoyed our time together.  I later realized they did it for me, not them.

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  • 3 weeks later...

At 3 years out, I can so relate to that "trapped" feeling.  It's a type of anxiety, not like anything other kind.  It is that realization that you are really alone like never before because that person who was a part of you is so gone.  I still feel it.  I have found out that the good old "keeping busy" prescription has kept me going.....I hate to admit it because I was always a loner type, happy loner because I also had a wonderful man in my life, but here I am putting myself out there now and not always a comfortable place for me to be, but it does keep my mind busy.  What a journey this is......Cookie

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Cookie, it's been one of those days for me.  When they come, they come very hard.  I hate these days when I can't focus on all the positive wonderful things I had in life with Stephen, and instead have the overwhelming alone feeling.  I'm so much like you, a happy loner, content to be home and nesting.  Now I have a void in the nest.   I do have lunch planned Thursday with a neighbor, fully knowing if I can't go there, I won't.  I have that someone kicked me in the stomach feeling right now, along with nausea.  And clock watching today for some reason. It's pretty exhausting.  But I know just as the sun sets today, it will rise again tomorrow.

~Shirley

 

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Cookie and sherbert, this is an anxiety like I have never felt also and I have an anxiety disorder.  I didn’t consider myself a loner either.  I had a couple social things, but the biggie was the foundation at home together.  Now holiday talk is starting and the depression and anxiety deepens.  This will be my 5th and I just don’t know how I am going to do it again.  Last year putting out our little tree didn’t help.  Another year of not buying a turkey.  Both our birthdays and wedding anniversary. I watch the clock too, don’t mean to, but the time just drags on day after day.  I look at this nest where the edges are getting frayed and it’s so cold inside.

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22 hours ago, shebert56 said:

Cookie, it's been one of those days for me.  When they come, they come very hard.  I hate these days when I can't focus on all the positive wonderful things I had in life with Stephen, and instead have the overwhelming alone feeling.  I'm so much like you, a happy loner, content to be home and nesting.  Now I have a void in the nest.   I do have lunch planned Thursday with a neighbor, fully knowing if I can't go there, I won't.  I have that someone kicked me in the stomach feeling right now, along with nausea.  And clock watching today for some reason. It's pretty exhausting.  But I know just as the sun sets today, it will rise again tomorrow.

~Shirley

 

Shirley:  You have explained it so well--kicked in the stomach feeling, nausea; watching the clock.  I have all of those symptoms....get very tired of it, but just have to fasten your seatbelt, I guess.  There is nothing else in life like this; no wonder you can't be prepared.  It hurts.  I am perpetually in and out of it.  I schedule all these things, none of which I am excited about doing, but make myself because what is the alternative, and sometimes, just sometimes I get surprised by having a respite; I can actually have fun for a while.  I wish that for you and everyone else here because I'm starting to understand that this state of affairs is probably very long-term and those respites are what keep you going.  Cookie

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Cookie and sherbert, this is an anxiety like I have never felt also and I have an anxiety disorder.  I didn’t consider myself a loner either.  I had a couple social things, but the biggie was the foundation at home together.  Now holiday talk is starting and the depression and anxiety deepens.  This will be my 5th and I just don’t know how I am going to do it again.  Last year putting out our little tree didn’t help.  Another year of not buying a turkey.  Both our birthdays and wedding anniversary. I watch the clock too, don’t mean to, but the time just drags on day after day.  I look at this nest where the edges are getting frayed and it’s so cold inside.

Gwen:  I think "they" want to label this anxiety as anxiety disorder, but it's really something so different, so intimately connected to unfathomable loss....maybe it is anxiety disorder; I'm not a professional, so I've got it now for sure.  I remember having anxiety, but not even close to how this feels.  It's amazing that after 3 years there are still so many triggers, things most people wouldn't even think of as upsetting.  I am looking for a new poodle puppy; can't live without it, I feel; it's a long journey and I thought I had found the one, then found out he wasn't available after all.  I just broke down and started sobbing.  I sat there later and thought "I am really losing it; what is wrong with me?"  Upon reflection, I realized that just the act of looking for another poodle was a trigger in that John and I got the other two together and deep down I am devastated that he is not here to share this journey with me....so it's jerking on the grief train so to speak.  I really feel for you....I also am dreading the holidays again; can't stand BD's now...everything is still a challenge to get through.  I remember in the beginning when I believed that would change and this horrible sorrow would pass.......it's still here......

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40 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Gwen:  I think "they" want to label this anxiety as anxiety disorder, but it's really something so different, so intimately connected to unfathomable loss....maybe it is anxiety disorder; I'm not a professional, so I've got it now for sure.  I remember having anxiety, but not even close to how this feels.  

I definitely have a panic disorder.  Have for over 30 years.  Have to take meds to manage it or I would never leave the house.   Losing Steve intensified it.  Its one of those invisible things that people often say.....well, I get nervous too.  Big difference between that and feeling you are going to die from a heart attack or stroke.  Diabetes and high blood pressure you can say to people and they believe that because they’ve heard of it.  I just tell people to google it and see the facts.  When Steve got sick he, while always my supporter, told me that he now understood living with something you could not control.  He said he thought he got it before, and he was marvelous defending me from people that thought I was just 'off' in some way, but then he knew about living with a condition, tho cancer no one questioned.  When I take my meds, no one would know I had this beyond being normal nervous  sometimes.

i really feel for you looking for another dog.  We did that together too.  I did get another dog after he died but I missed his input and I also didn’t look around much because I was used to 2 dogs and we lost one just before I lost him.  I was desperate.  One of my neighbors said there are other dogs, but I had to have one quickly, I was in tears.  She is great, but has some issues that annoy me and won’t ever change.  I bought her sight unseen.  Had he been here it would have been visiting litters and looking for who we made a connection with.  I tried to replace daddy’s little girl and couldn’t.  Just like I can’t replace him.  I so feel for you as I know how essential dogs were to us to make our family.  Having to start new ones alone so intensifies what we lost.  I hope you find a companion of the furry kind.  For me it doesn’t feel like life without them.  🐩

 

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Cookie, I hope you find your dog.  It helps so much to have my dog and cat, we're a family, but I fear I may be losing my cat soon, she's slowing way down, lost weight, her senses are diminishing, I know she's old (23) but we've gotten closer this year and I just don't want to lose her.  Never is a good time.  My dog is getting old too, although he hasn't slowed down, he's 10 1/2 and for his breed, that's past average life span.

I think in the beginning we thought grief would be for a time but then we begin to realize we're in it for the long haul and then we come to realize it's the rest of our life.  Certain times intensify it, like our health issues, holidays, those special days, making big decisions without them, etc.  I used to encounter people , like, "what are you still doing here?"  I think people are starting to realize that this doesn't go away, we just have to live with it, we don't get magically better at this at some particular year, it's always going to be hard to some extent.

 

 

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On ‎09‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 4:58 PM, Gwenivere said:

I definitely have a panic disorder.  Have for over 30 years.  Have to take meds to manage it or I would never leave the house.   Losing Steve intensified it.  Its one of those invisible things that people often say.....well, I get nervous too.  Big difference between that and feeling you are going to die from a heart attack or stroke.  Diabetes and high blood pressure you can say to people and they believe that because they’ve heard of it.  I just tell people to google it and see the facts.  When Steve got sick he, while always my supporter, told me that he now understood living with something you could not control.  He said he thought he got it before, and he was marvelous defending me from people that thought I was just 'off' in some way, but then he knew about living with a condition, tho cancer no one questioned.  When I take my meds, no one would know I had this beyond being normal nervous  sometimes.

i really feel for you looking for another dog.  We did that together too.  I did get another dog after he died but I missed his input and I also didn’t look around much because I was used to 2 dogs and we lost one just before I lost him.  I was desperate.  One of my neighbors said there are other dogs, but I had to have one quickly, I was in tears.  She is great, but has some issues that annoy me and won’t ever change.  I bought her sight unseen.  Had he been here it would have been visiting litters and looking for who we made a connection with.  I tried to replace daddy’s little girl and couldn’t.  Just like I can’t replace him.  I so feel for you as I know how essential dogs were to us to make our family.  Having to start new ones alone so intensifies what we lost.  I hope you find a companion of the furry kind.  For me it doesn’t feel like life without them.  🐩

 

Gwen:  Yes, I have to have another dog, poodle, and will.  But, I am really going through a lot of grief triggers.  I don't even like myself right now; I can't believe what a big deal this is because I'm doing it without John.  I double-guess myself about everything, feeling vulnerable.  I guess I never realized how interconnected he and I were until he was gone.  But, I will do this and I do want it for myself.  I am going to see a breeder tomorrow by myself...it's an hour from here.  Have to drive over the mountain on a winding road...wish he was here.  I will try to make it a fun adventure.....I totally know what you are talking about in terms of Steve's input.  John was a very calm, steady person and really checked things out before proceeding.  I was always the emotional, spontaneous one.  I will have to watch it......take care, Cookie

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On ‎09‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 10:29 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, I hope you find your dog.  It helps so much to have my dog and cat, we're a family, but I fear I may be losing my cat soon, she's slowing way down, lost weight, her senses are diminishing, I know she's old (23) but we've gotten closer this year and I just don't want to lose her.  Never is a good time.  My dog is getting old too, although he hasn't slowed down, he's 10 1/2 and for his breed, that's past average life span.

I think in the beginning we thought grief would be for a time but then we begin to realize we're in it for the long haul and then we come to realize it's the rest of our life.  Certain times intensify it, like our health issues, holidays, those special days, making big decisions without them, etc.  I used to encounter people , like, "what are you still doing here?"  I think people are starting to realize that this doesn't go away, we just have to live with it, we don't get magically better at this at some particular year, it's always going to be hard to some extent.

 

 

Kayc:  Yes, that is a hard realization--that it's for the rest of our lives.  I guess I really did think it would pass in a couple of years, but in some ways it can be more painful than ever and there is always that big empty black hole feeling in the pit of my stomach that is around missing him so much.  Wow, 23 years is a lot for a cat.  We had one that lived to be 22.  I feel for you.  It is so hard losing our pets, so hard.....I am looking and anxious about getting another poodle.  It's very tied up with grief and I'm trying to work through that too.  Thanks so much for your thoughts....hugs, Cookie

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Cookie,

Well let us know when you find your poodle.  They are great dogs.  I wish I could have another Husky, but alas I am too old for their energy level and strength.  Mine is huge!  But I love him to pieces and think he'll always be my favorite dog, of all time!  I just love his personality.  He's so self-assured and happy, such a goof-ball, so smart and funny!

Boy, I sure didn't have any idea in the beginning that there was no expiration date on this!

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OMG, are they too cute or what!!

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  • 3 weeks later...
On ‎09‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 11:52 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Sending you some poodle love from my little Andy and his pal Charlie the blonde cockapoo 🐩

P1100516~2.JPG

Oh, thanks for sharing...they are adorable, just adorable!!  Can't wait to have another one....Cookie

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Hey guys:  Have found a poodle pup I can get mid-November.  I have been selling things, cleaning houses, am worn out, but it's worth it.  He or she will be a blue standard, probably a he.  The owner is going to watch their personalities...I asked for a laid back one.  I am craving a poodle so bad.  Let's hope I don't get a raving maniac dog!  I will have a companion for my long walks.....will keep you updated.....Cookie

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On ‎09‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 9:46 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

Well let us know when you find your poodle.  They are great dogs.  I wish I could have another Husky, but alas I am too old for their energy level and strength.  Mine is huge!  But I love him to pieces and think he'll always be my favorite dog, of all time!  I just love his personality.  He's so self-assured and happy, such a goof-ball, so smart and funny!

Boy, I sure didn't have any idea in the beginning that there was no expiration date on this!

 

Just now, Cookie said:

Hey guys:  Have found a poodle pup I can get mid-November.  I have been selling things, cleaning houses, am worn out, but it's worth it.  He or she will be a blue standard, probably a he.  The owner is going to watch their personalities...I asked for a laid back one.  I am craving a poodle so bad.  Let's hope I don't get a raving maniac dog!  I will have a companion for my long walks.....will keep you updated.....Cookie

 

On ‎09‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 9:46 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

Well let us know when you find your poodle.  They are great dogs.  I wish I could have another Husky, but alas I am too old for their energy level and strength.  Mine is huge!  But I love him to pieces and think he'll always be my favorite dog, of all time!  I just love his personality.  He's so self-assured and happy, such a goof-ball, so smart and funny!

Boy, I sure didn't have any idea in the beginning that there was no expiration date on this!

Kayc:  So sorry your animals are aging and at the same time.....my heart goes out to you.  It is so hard, but they are worth it all, I think.  Send a picture of you sweetie.  I could look at people's dog pictures all day...cats too....Cookie

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Do ya'll mind if i butt in and show mine off?  She is a"rescue" case we gave a home to in Dec. 2011, so I am only able to guess at her age. She's 10 or so now. The perfect size for apartment living. The best guess I can come up with is that Cookie had about 15-16 dogs during our marriage, and all but the first 2 were/are rescue cases.

1885093202_MeandSugar.jpg.6cef445f1c50904f6f3402432e3a7630.jpgSugar.thumb.jpg.e5ff4f1786a05ee3ae7d20ddde0b2919.jpg

Darrel

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How exciting!  Congratulations Cookie!  Going to be a long months wait, but for a good reason.  I did the same thing, had the breeder choose a pup for me with a laid back temperament.   She was at first, but then she became a 'big' dog.  Had been a long time since I dealt with that.  It’s worth it tho.  Mine is almost 4 and active as all get out.  You ready for potty training again?  🐩❤️

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Cute dog, Darrel.  Boy or girl?  Name?  That’s great you both got rescues.  I have a soft spot for Goldens so got another aftervlosing our last one, but all our dogs were otherwise rescues.  Never regretted one of them.

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9 hours ago, olemisfit said:

Do ya'll mind if i butt in and show mine off?  She is a"rescue" case we gave a home to in Dec. 2011, so I am only able to guess at her age. She's 10 or so now. The perfect size for apartment living. The best guess I can come up with is that Cookie had about 15-16 dogs during our marriage, and all but the first 2 were/are rescue cases.

I didn't catch a typo in my message. It was supposed to be "Cookie & I". Sorry 'bout that! More cerebral flatulence  I suppose.

We named her Sugar. We could see immediately that no name would fit her perfectly sweet disposition any better. The first 2 dogs we had were pekingese. The first one was the uncle of the second one. They both lived a little bit more than 18 (human) years. Every one after them were all rescues. Rescues always seem to be so appreciative and loyal. Cookie & I were never able to have children so the pets all became our 4-legged "children".

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Arlie and Kitty were both rescues, she's 23 now, Arlie is nearly 11. He's lost 30 lbs since this picture but with all that fur, who can tell!

Kitty123008-3 Sm.jpg

Arlie running free small.jpg

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