Fish Bowl

[Elleroo]

My husband died in a tragic accident at work. This happened back in March, 3 days after our 2 nd anniversary.  He was in the burn unit for almost three weeks after fighting the toughest battle of his life. Between us we have 9 grown children . We were friends for 35 years before we became life partners . i had stopped dreaming before we  got together. He I experienced life like I hadn't in many years. He is my whole life. 

So I found in the past few months I am watched at all times. Is she gonna break. Well yes I broke. At my age I never thought I could break at this age. I have tried so hard to focus on God and draw strength from him but having so much trouble finding my faith. Then I worry if I don't find my faith I will go to hell and I wont ever see him again.  Sometimes my thoughts and feelings go all over the place. One thought flies to another . All the while being watched in my fish bowl. I know they are concerned for me but some of the comments made are very hurtful. So I am here writing my thoughts to try to get some understanding and expectations from family on time limit to my grief. this last week I have gotten several calls on their concern. I should be feeling better about it all by now. I do not. Watching Dr pull tubes out his body and watching his last breath will be forever in my head. He was the most amazing man any one could meet and know. 

What did I do that was so bad that God took him from me.  I am so happy he isn't in pain but now I cant put words to describe the pain I feel everyday. Please help

[MartyT]

10 minutes ago, Elleroo said:

I should be feeling better about it all by now.

The love of your life died in a tragic accident barely five months ago and you should be feeling better about it all by now??? WHAT??

Oh my dear one, I am so sorry that someone, anyone in your circle has the audacity to be telling you this.

What has happened to you will affect you for the rest of your life, and I cannot imagine how you cold EVER expect to"feel better" about that. With the informed support of others (such as those you will find here) who know how to respond properly to your sorrow and stand ready to help you to learn how to carry your grief, I promise that the pain and suffering you are feeling right now will diminish over time, and you will find a way to live with this horrific loss ~ but please give yourself permission to acknowledge and feel your feelings and allow yourself time to mourn this tremendous loss! 

That is all I will say to you for now, but I'm sure that soon our members will welcome you with open arms and caring hearts. ❤️

[Kieron]

8 hours ago, Elleroo said:

I should be feeling better about it all by now

Echoing Marty, but privately thinking of a few harsher words than that.  I held my beloved's hand for an hour as he took his last shuddering breaths after being removed from life support, and I still choke up 18 months later.  I attended my 95 year old grandmother's funeral last weekend and had an unpleasant attack of anxiety and hyperventilating and somehow barely got through the ordeal because it just dredged up all the past 18 months' worth of "stuff" I have been stewing in.  The pain you describe is real.  It feels like having been torn into pieces, or torn out by your deep, 35-year roots with this man, and sitting slumped over, wilted and drying out, like a plant ripped from the soil.  It sounds like some people are carelessly walking all over your shocked roots and leaves.  😖

I'm hoping that this place acts as a drink of water for you as you struggle to root yourself back into whatever stable ground you can find. 🥀

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Elleroo said:

My husband died in a tragic accident at work. This happened back in March, 3 days after our 2 nd anniversary.  He was in the burn unit for almost three weeks after fighting the toughest battle of his life. Between us we have 9 grown children . We were friends for 35 years before we became life partners . i had stopped dreaming before we  got together. He I experienced life like I hadn't in many years. He is my whole life. 

So I found in the past few months I am watched at all times. Is she gonna break. Well yes I broke. At my age I never thought I could break at this age. I have tried so hard to focus on God and draw strength from him but having so much trouble finding my faith. Then I worry if I don't find my faith I will go to hell and I wont ever see him again.  Sometimes my thoughts and feelings go all over the place. One thought flies to another . All the while being watched in my fish bowl. I know they are concerned for me but some of the comments made are very hurtful. So I am here writing my thoughts to try to get some understanding and expectations from family on time limit to my grief. this last week I have gotten several calls on their concern. I should be feeling better about it all by now. I do not. Watching Dr pull tubes out his body and watching his last breath will be forever in my head. He was the most amazing man any one could meet and know. 

What did I do that was so bad that God took him from me.  I am so happy he isn't in pain but now I cant put words to describe the pain I feel everyday. Please help

I am so sorry for your loss, it is all encompassing.  Oh Hon, this could have been written by me a few years ago...I didn't worry about going to hell, I believe in grace and God doesn't take it away once given.  But I did wonder where He was and why I couldn't reach him.  You see, I spent a good share of my life with a cold unloving man, my kids' dad.  After he left, George and I found our friendship "growing wings".  We had great communication and could understand each other, relate.  We clicked on so many levels. We couldn't imagine our lives without the other in it, so we married.  He was a wonderful stepfather to my children and I embraced his as well...my son was still at home but the rest were young adults on their own.  Soon he found himself a grandpa, bursting his buttons!  Life was wonderful and we looked forward to growing old together.  Then he had a heart attack and my life as I knew it changed completely, never to be the same again.  He had just had his 51st birthday.  

I have always been an avid pray-er but in the next year I felt God was a million miles away.  I learned that He hadn't left me, perhaps it was just my grief blotting everything else out, I don't know, but I found He'd been with me through it all.  He doesn't turn His back on those who love Him, but sometimes it's hard for us to see anything, so heavy is our grief, our loss, the things we are going through.

There is no time limit on grief.  Your family doesn't understand because they are not you, they aren't going through YOUR loss.  Everyone who loved your husband is grieving a different loss than yours.  To you, it affects you on every level!  The person you woke up with, the person you talked over your day with, your best friend, lover, the person that you shared finances and chores with, the person you spent nights, weekends, holidays with, the person you planned a future with.  That is a whole lot of adjustment to make and it doesn't happen overnight or even in a few months or years!  Come here, pour out your feelings, here, we "get it", we've been through it, are going through it.  It's been 13 years for me now, I can honestly say grief is the rest of our lives, but it doesn't stay the same, it evolves.  I've adjusted as well as I could to the changes it's made for my life, it took me years, years more to find purpose, to build a life for myself that I can live, it's taken hard work.  I've worked hard at my grief...saw a grief counselor, did art therapy, did journaling, posted on this grief forum and read other's posts, read books and articles on grief.  I even started a grief support group in my town as there'd never been one here and the nearest town is 50 miles away.  All of this takes time and as each of us is unique and so are our relationships we're grieving, we can't compare our timeline to another's.  

To all of your family and friends, please assure them you're doing as well as can be expected and you appreciate their concern but please be patient!!  You are right where you can be expected to be.  I might point out, also, that around 5-7 months can be the hardest time in our journey as it is then that the shock wears off and some of the support dries up and we're hit with it!  It takes a while for something of this magnitude to fully sink in so that's where you're at right now.  Again, they need to be patient.

It'll all happen when it happens...and you'll be with him again, please don't worry about that.  He's alive and well, the body he inhabited has given out but the essence of him, his spirit, his soul, that still exists.  I like to think of them watching over us, however you perceive it to be, let it bring you comfort.  Don't worry about what others think, right now what you are going through is first and foremost.  

I wrote these tips based on what I've learned on my journey, and I want to share them with you.  What helps you might vary from what helped me, and that's okay, if even one of these "tips" helps you, I'm glad.  It's meant to be printed out and read every few months because it's way too much to all sink in at once, and different things will hit you at different spots on your journey.  Knowing that what works for one person (like getting a pet) might not be right for another, just an idea is all.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[enna]

Sometimes there are no words to comfort a grieving person so sitting with that person is a way of saying I am here with you and I will listen.  I am so sorry to hear about your husband’s tragic death. 

I have found that many people say things that they think are comforting to the griever but in reality, it isn’t.  The truth is most of us don’t know what to say when someone dies.  I think the comments made help the person making those comments rather than being of any help to the one grieving. 

You are fresh in your grief.  It is around the sixth month that one starts to thaw from the numbness of the loss. You will never ‘get over’ this loss but you will be able to begin to focus on the good memories you have had with your husband. I am glad you found this place because it is a safe and caring place. There are no judgments here only people who are willing to sit with you as you walk the path of your own grief.

For me, it was important to be able to talk with a good grief counselor. I was fortunate to have someone who knows about grief to help me through that first year.  Some people find joining a grief group helps. What is important is finding one that has a moderator who is knowledgeable about loss. I tried a group but found that after two or three meetings it just wasn’t for me.  Online grief support is also a very valuable resource for us. By finding this place you have found the best online grief support place. Sharing our stories and reading about what is ‘normal’ in grief helps us along the way.  

Anne

[Elleroo]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.

[kayc]

Anne is right, people want us to move on or get over it because of THEIR discomfort, but this isn't about them, and there is no getting over it, only learning to live with the changes it means to our lives and quite honestly, most of us are offended at the suggestions to "move on", it's not even realistic!

Thinking of you today, wishing you comfort come your way...

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello Elleroo

I'm glad you found your way here.  We are a compassionate group of people that can understand your pain and loss.  I too am very sorry you are experiencing the hurtful comments.  🙏.  Take care of yourself even if it means telling others to take a time out.  This is your grief and no one else has the right to judge you or tell you what they think you should be doing.