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Tachi

Estate questions, behaviour advice

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 I need help and advice. I've tried googling and it seems obvious answer but not clearly stated. Maybe I am just an idiot and a fool. Two days ago dad suddenly gets on fire to do estate planning. he wants to make it as easy as possible for me since I will be handling things. The problem is he thinks that I should have planned how to handle things after he passes. Ive honestly never heard that before. It's always been my understanding that the person with the estate write a will and creates an estate plan. And thats great that he started doing that except...this is the first time he has talked about it and the first time he has mentioned that I should do it. And instead of just asking me to do it or asking me to help him he repeatedly and very rudely tells me how wonderful he is for helping because I havent done my job. He IS capable of doing it and I would have been fine helping if I knew he wanted me to. As it is I have spent the better part of the last two days researching things we can do to make it easier, like having a POD on his bank accts. yet he still rather rudely tells me im not doing anything. I just dont get it. I told him that it wasnt my place to do that, which he thinks it is. I point out that since he asked me to help ive spent all my time ...doesnt do any good. He still tells me im not doing anything. 

Another question, executing an estate as ive read is very serious. If you dont do it correctly you are legally and financially liable. Since ive never done it before I informed him that I would be talking to an atty to make sure I understand the process. Especially since he wants to put my name on the deed to the house. That scares me so i want advice first, am I crazy wanting to counsel with an atty? 

Am I crazy that it is primarily his responsibility to make his own estate plans?

Very lost here guys and at the point where I just cant talk with my dad. he went Jr High on me and says he went out of his way spending his time doing MY job on the estate planning but hes not doing any more. According to him his only job is to write his will and die. Anyway, yes im extremely upset. I have been out of work and studying to get into IT, was a couple weeks from the exam for my first certification. I cant really afford to move out of his house so im stuck. 

How do you deal with someone who thinks they are never wrong and have to always make themselves feel superior?

 

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As I stated in response to your post in another thread, my friend, I think you would do well to consult an estate attorney. You are correct in thinking that this is your dad's estate, and as long as he is of sound mind and able to handle his own affairs, it is his responsibility to plan what he wants done with his estate after he dies ~ not yours. Even if he has officially designated you as the executor of his estate, that responsibility would kick in only after he dies. Unless he has officially given you Power of Attorney, you have no authority to do it for him.

As for dealing with your dad about these matters, it seems pretty clear that he isn't likely to put much stock in anything you have to say. Unless your dad has another relative, friend or neighbor whom he trusts enough to advise him on matters related to his will and his estate, I think the best you can do is to agree with him that you are not qualified to advise him on such legal matters and insist that you both would benefit from consulting an estate attorney.

I'm a firm believer that when you feel powerless in a situation, you are wise to align yourself with a powerful ally who will support you in your position. Is there someone in your family circle who could assist you in persuading your dad to consult an attorney? A buddy, close friend, sibling? His primary care physician, perhaps?

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Thanks Marty,

Sadly there is no one. Mom is gone and she was the only one that may have gotten through to him. I had two days ago suggested we talk to an attorney but he declines. He does trust his banker but I dont. Many people tend to avoid conflict and just agree with him and thats partly why he is this way. My big brother is in Cali but we never really talk and I doubt he would help much. I think all I can do is suggest we just work together and finish what he started but I guess i'm not much of a person because I refuse to be badly treated, theres no excuse for it. If he cant act respectfully then we cant talk. Funny thing is, if you disagree with him he gets offended because thats very disrespectful. And yes I think he pretty much thinks im an idiot. He doesnt listen and he is never wrong and im disrespectfull for the times ive pointed out the truth. I refuse to be treated badly and to just agree with him when hes wrong. Little things fine but not as an excuse to be abusive. 

Waiting still for a callback from the attorney, will do the best I can. At this point will just avoid him as much as possible and conversation can be nonexistant. But in reality I will need to get him to co operate in the estate planning so we can finish. I dont understand where he gets the idea its my job....I cant even legally do anything for him. Anyway, thank you very much, kinda on mu own here and is good to know I havent lost it....yet.

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When dealing with difficult people, I have learned to set boundaries , convey them, and they make their choices...and consequences.  I had to do that with my mom but she wasn't of sound mind.  I hope you don't let your dad bully you.  In my situation, my mom left everything to my brother and nothing to us five girls.  We treated her well, clear up to the end, even knowing she didn't value us like our brother.  

I would consult an estate attorney, that is what they're there for, and your father should pay for it, especially as you are still in school.  You can tell him you want to be aware of different options and the best way to do things.  I hope his unkind words don't affect how you view yourself because he's being unreasonable and unfair.  I'm sorry, some parents can be rather difficult to deal with!  My mom was a challenge all her life, yet I miss her.  I've heard it said no one is all good or all bad, the bad part IS a challenge and the good part makes us miss them when they're gone.  Sometimes the complexities of their mind can be a puzzle to deal with.

Try to let go of his judgmental comments, which you know to be unfair and unkind.  Try to keep smiling!  Nope, you haven't lost it!

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Thank you. thats where he and I conflict. I call it when he steps over the line. he is not of a completely sound mind, else he has had issues for a long time. He thinks he is never wrong and to question is disrespect. he will fight for his opinion to the end and thinks because he is my dad he can act however he pleases. he thinks that nothing he says or does is ever disrespectful, simply because he can never be wrong, lol. Thats why we argue, its never ever acceptable to me to be treated in this manner and I know that with people like this you cant appease them or give in because they will push harder. I would be happier not living here but then I would have to work retail again, maybe two jobs and that would be the end of IT dreams. 

One thing the last couple years have shown me is that you have to be complete in yourself and not depend on anyone else for your self-worth. Somehow magically the really bad situations at work prompted me to rediscover my self respect and although I will never be the person I would like to be I will be alot closer. My thought is to keep my head down and take care of my business. I am the houseboy and the caretaker. When the last phase of my life begins I need to be in a certain place personally and this is my time to prepare.

Thank you

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Sound mind for purposes of signing a will may differ from sound mine in your estimation.  ;)  My mom was never in sound mind to her family's way of looking at it.  Not even as a child according to my aunt.  But to sign a will they ask you who the president is, what day it is, stuff like that.

18 hours ago, Tachi said:

you have to be complete in yourself and not depend on anyone else for your self-worth.

Very true!  I used to think I needed to be married, to have that validation from someone else that I was worth something, but I've found that's not true.  Our validation has nothing to do with marital status, nor does it depend on what our parent thinks, etc.  It's something you have to know to be true within yourself.  When we work on our character, we develop it, it's not even so much what we do as who we are.  You can be stricken down with something and bedridden and still be of value.  When my niece was born without a brain, I saw this clearly, she was of value and we all learned something by having her in her life...she had a spirit, even though she didn't have cognitive thought ability, it's hard to put into words but we all benefited from having had her in our lives.

I'm glad you're keeping your goals before you, don't let them go!  It is hard to set boundaries for someone under the circumstances you find yourself living in, but still you can decide what you will and will not allow.  It's just going to be an uphill battle enforcing as long as you're living under his roof.  One day at a time!  How much longer before you graduate?  I'm sorry you're having software issues and not finding help with that.  Have you tried calling the makers or sellers of the product?

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Hi,

Sorry to be late with this...so far i have had to push back the exam as have been researching estate planning. Dad wants to avoid probate on everything. So far all his bank accts are POD (pass on death) with me as beneficiary. Will make the deed on the house the same way, called a Lady Bird deed. I will be beneficiary and it will pass to me. He wants to add me to the title on his car and have yet to figure out the possessions in the house. Im trying also to figure out the events after he passes as I live here I will need to continue to do so while I take care of the estate. So am hoping the utilities will continue and the mortgage will continue, as he has them taken on auto-deposit from his checking acct and that will be closed because of the pod I will have to set up a new acct and get things changed. What I need to do is plan every step and keep a folder because I will be in bad shape and my only hope will be to follow a checklist. 

Hope to take my exam in 2-3 weeks as the estate stuff winds down. I've found what I think is a good atty close who gives a free first consult so have a page of questions for him.

My other task, dad wants to sell items from the home that we dont need to live. furniture and Mom had alot of really nice crystal, dinnerware and glassware. Im trying to figure out how and who. Only thing I see is an estate sale company.

I was cleaning out the cupboard and found that Mom didnt throw anything away. All the silly Christmas and holiday mugs and decor I ever gave her were in there. Dad told me he isnt planning on a Christmas tree so am guessing he doesnt care. I'm getting a small fake tree and will decorate some, esp my room. But it was so nice to see all the things Mom saved. i do miss her very much. I think she was the only one who really cared for me. 

Anyway, I will make it and yes working on my character as time permits and trying to get back in shape. Will try and get that garden in another software, doing some learning :)

Take good care and thank you

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I use on line to pay my bills and I also access my utilities on line, where I can change my bank account, you wouldn't need to change auto pay, just the account it comes out of, make sure you're aware of what time of the month it occurs or it can hit just as the bank account closes.  You'll want to check the laws in your state to find out if you're required to report his death to the utility board (I would assume you would unless he adds your name to the utility account.)  You'll want to check with the mortgage as it might require refinancing in your name.  My mortgage is pretty strict, they don't let me live elsewhere or rent out my house while I owe on it.  He should have a copy of the mortgage he signed, it's usually pretty lengthy (mine was like 50 pages or something) and it might be easier to talk to the loan officer of the bank as it can be difficult to navigate.

An estate sale company might be the good way to go, they take a cut, of course, but they can also draw a higher price.  My kids aren't interested in my nice china and crystal and goldware (my daughter likes silver) and I hate to see them go at a garage sale but on the other hand I won't be around to see it happen so they can do whatever is easiest for them, I will be done with material goods.  :)

Is your dad figuring on dying any time soon?  Just curious why this is all so rush that you can't take your exam.  I'd think it'd be easier to take the exam while the schooling is still fresh in your mind.  Good luck with all of this!

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To be honest he had shown no interest in his estate at all. I had asked him once and he claimed there would be nothing to do. He thinks whatever he says is gospel, even when he has no clue what hes talking about. Out of the blue he came home from the bank accusing me in not so nice terms of not doing his estate planning. And he couldnt understand that is his job not mine. I had always joked about Narcissism but it is real and he suffers from it. Mom was his enabler. I refuse to enable him or let him run me. This was one of those points. I told him if he wanted help doing it he should have just asked me and im happy to help. He says he thought we would do it together. Ok, then just ask me right? I'm thinking he has been suffering dementia for some time, along with the narcissism and he is slightly off. He comes across to everyone else as nice altho ive watched him with his friends and he does it to them sometimes too. Its kind of a double edged sword. If he has something to gain or if they have power over him then he rolls over and if he thinks he has power over them then he pushes and will talk bad behind their backs. Anyway, I have no idea why this was suddenly end of the world stuff. But if I can figure it out and get it done it will be much easier on me. 

Thanks for the tip on the mortgage, didnt even consider theyd want a refinance. hope not as I will be cleaning it up and selling it  as soon as I can. I was thinking last night to list all utilities and withdrawal expenses and make sure I have the contact info and acct numbers etc. 

The strange thing is that the urgency now seems gone. I found what looks to be a nice estate sale company here in Ft Worth and told him about it this morning and he didnt seem at all interested. I did find a good attorney tho and will go either friday or probable first of next week.  That will answer many questions and we can hopefully get the deed fixed. We can do what they call a Lady Bird Deed which adds me on as a beneficiary and the deed passes to me when dad passes so it doesnt need probate. But it has to be written properly and hence the atty. 

Thank you for the kind words and advice. Will post the garden when I can and let you folks know about the exam. Drove over to the test center yesterday and is a nice clean place, I believe they are booked up to Oct 10 so will sign up later today. 

take care

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20 hours ago, Tachi said:

Thanks for the tip on the mortgage, didnt even consider theyd want a refinance. hope not as I will be cleaning it up and selling it  as soon as I can.

I would think they'd give you a period of time, but I have no idea how that works.  I always figured I'd better live long enough to get my mortgage paid off so it wouldn't be so hard on my kids, I wouldn't want them under time pressure, they both have to work.  Plus you can get more if you have the time to do what you need to do.  I feel better now that I'm getting a new roof on my double garage/shop/outbuilding...it's almost done, should be finished up today.  Now if I could only find a painter!  It's hard to find help when you're in the country.

I didn't even think about the test being booked up, wow!  Good luck to you whenever you do take it!

I'm wondering if your dad thought he was going to die soon or something...maybe awaiting tests results and now that he has them the urgency is off?

 

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Celebrate that new roof and bash a bottle of grape juice on it, christen it....my folks have always said that we as a family share the good and the bad. But dad hasnt been himslef for awhile so I wouldnt doubt it. It just may be that he is feeling he wont last very long. He denies his parkinsons and doesnt understand it, his condition overall and hasnt done anything to help it. His neurologist told him that the nature of Park. means having good and bad days and ive noticed that his does have swings. he hasnt slept well since his stroke so he takes a sleeping pill and of course add on the neurologist pill which has a drowsiness warning and it really messes up his head. This last one worked amazing for about two days and then he went downhill. However I am not allowed to oversee his meds so he could have mistakenly taken his old one.  Anyway, he has a call in to the neurologist so we will see. He just expects to take a pill and be back to normal and it doesnt work that way. Of course I have to wait til he feels better to finish what needs to be done. However we need to wrap this up soon.

Im sorry I seem to have missed answering something. The software I had been using. Its ten or so years old and many folks do amazing things with it. I had used it for about 5 years and several versions. It is old and clunky and needs to be rewritten. That said people use it to create ultra realistic scenes. I worked with their tech support, which was them emailing me once a month and the community mgr, I googled and checked forums. I reinstalled numerous times, tried every setting etc. Even things like trying to open files that only that software can open, didnt work. Its not user error when you click two buttons and select a tree and it doesnt work lol. yet the community mgr couldnt figure out what was wrong and basically told me I was too stupid to use the software. I had reinstalled it on several different PCs and still have no idea why it doesnt work right, but I will never know. 

Thank you again. I hope you find a painter. I would offer but is too far away. Would bring back memories of working my way through college as a painter, fun times.

Take care

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My mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's and Leukemia but that was the least of her problems, she had full blown Lewy Bodies Dementia, stage 4.  The other things were hardly noticeable alongside that.

I will wait on the paint for a while, I have more pressing problems.  The person that built my garage should have never been allowed to construct anything!  It was built wood on dirt and is rotting in the back, the plywood is bowed out but the construction person said it's because the support is rotting and it's sunk down, causing the bowing.  He's going to give me a bid in January as to what can be done with it, it may have to be jacked up and pierblocks placed under it, anyway, that'll be my next thing to deal with.  It'll be a relief when it's all done.  THEN I can focus back on the house again.  Always something!  It seems the house and myself aged at the same time!

Don't you love it...when someone else doesn't understand something, they call YOU stupid?!  You have to chuckle...if it wasn't so frustrating!

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That garage sounds like a growth opportunity for some lucky contractor. :) Or as we were always told, we were building character. I worked with general contractors and a concrete contractor for awhile when I was young and some of the things they did lol. I hope this next person gets it fixed right. You deserve a time when you can breathe and relax and not worry about things. I know that even though I have a hard time sometimes that it could be much worse for me so i should be gratefull to be where I am.  In a way its kind of funny how life can be. Funny=odd. This is nothing like what it was going to be. Now is preparing for the end phase and honestly I wonder if the things that i've held up as so important really are anymore. It seems I need to relearn life and whats important. Abd retrain as a person. Change is challenging but also rewarding. :)

My dad turns 92 tomorrow, he said no presents, lol oops too late. He will have cake and a couple presents and he can watch football. 

I think the Vue people got mad at me because I kept suggesting the software was ancient and clunky and needed a rewrite. They couldnt understand so it had to be me. It was a good software when it worked and I miss it but life keeps changing. Test I think on Oct 10. Either pass and start studying for the 902 or fail and retake in a month. 

Take good care of yourself and thank you

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I'm having the same contractor that did the roof fix the supports, he's the only one I trust to do things right.  I've had bad experiences with some of the others in town and this one's reputation is impeccable.

20 hours ago, Tachi said:

I wonder if the things that i've held up as so important really are anymore.

For sure, I think that's something we all come to.

I hope your dad enjoys his birthday today!

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