Smiling through the pain.

[Tankerr50]

Today makes one year that my dear husband passed away. This was one of the hardiest years for me being without him, but with God help, and my family, and friends, I made it. So many days I had to smile even though the pain was sometimes, and still today seem so unbearable, but somehow I always made it through the day. Learning to take it one day at a time.  My husband had stage 4 colon cancer.  In my mind, I always felt we could fight this battle, and win, because we had won so many others together. The cancer battle we couldn’t win, it was just to much pain, and suffering for him to bear. I know he has no more pain, and he’s resting in God’s care. Many people say that it will get better, and the pain will lighten. Right now I still have good, and bad days. Many times the tears will not stop flowing. I will continue to hold on, and trust God for my healing. It’s hard, but I have to keep going, with him always in my heart. So to everyone that’s going through the same thing, please be encouraged, and hold on!!!!!. We are in this together. You’re not alone. Just keep believing with me that the sun will shine again, and the dark cloud will move from us. Take care everyone. 

[MartyT]

Blessings to you, dear one, and thank you for sharing ❤️

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello Tankerr50

I admire your strength and I appreciate your resolve.  Thanks for sharing that there are days to look forward to.

[widow'15]

10 hours ago, Tankerr50 said:

Learning to take it one day at a time.  

Tankerr50: 

Thank you for your kind words.

The first anniversary of a loss is so difficult, as well as the second and third year.  I am living without my loving husband the fifth month of the fourth year.   I learned I had to take one day at a time right away, or I knew I would not survive.   Just today, while at an annual meeting for a business matter, the kind gentleman asked how I was doing, and as usual my response was, "One Day at a Time".   Dee 

[kayc]

Tankerr50,

One year is such a milestone, I know when I reached the end of my first year of withouts I felt I should get a medal!  And I think all of us deserve one just for making it through it.  We've learned much about ourselves, it being one of the hardest year of our lives, I can't imagine it can be harder than this.  The intensity of the pain lessens with time as we begin to adjust and hone our coping skills and figure our way through this, but always we will miss them, and continue to love them.  Thank you for sharing and if I might say, congrats for making it through a year!  Yes indeed, one day at a time.

[Tankerr50]

Hi, Kayc

Yes, I agreed. When you make it through the first year, it does feel like a milestone.  Just to know that you made it, give you a little more push to continue on to start a new year continuing  to learn how to cope, and smile through the pain.  Take care. 

[Margm]

On 9/6/2018 at 2:13 PM, Tankerr50 said:

In my mind, I always felt we could fight this battle, and win, because we had won so many others together.

Warning:  Bible speak here.....

They called Billy's colon cancer also.  It came on so fast and he left so fast, the most affected was his liver.  Does not really matter.  He is gone three years next month.  I still feel him around me and there have been times earlier I could not feel him at all.  Sometimes I feel him watching over my shoulder though.  He just does not answer me when I talk to him.  He said one of us had to stay.  I guess I am the designated driver, in more ways than one.  Not what I wanted.  

Luke 22:42 New International Version (NIV) 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

I still wanted to argue, but this time he did not let me have my way, neither God nor Billy.  Still carry anger, but wear the mustard seed.  Sometimes the tiredness wants to consume me, but I cannot let my granddaughter find me this way.  This should not be what she remembers in her memory of me.  The animal in me sometimes wants to crawl off in the deep woods.  I should not be writing, not a good day.  I've got to say, they are not all like this.  Most days are chaotic and filled with activities.  We need time alone to grieve.........that is what they tell us.  I do not need time alone.........I think too much.  I don't usually do this.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I do not need time alone.........I think too much.  

Marg, the last thing many of us need is more alone time.  I see all the places my mind now has to wander into shadows and fears that didn’t exist before or were less intense without him.   I’m watching my life unravel from the hospital experience and have no one to break the tension with a joke or a hug.  I’m glad you have your granddaughter as a beacon for purpose and love.

[Margm]

Me too Gwen, I am so fortunate.  The bottom is grief, but I have lots of people needing my time.  Sometimes I even am mean enough to begrudge things when I should be so happy I have them and if I could, I would divide them up with you.  No Gwen, I'm sorry I said that, I could not live without their aggravation.  I just wish you had more aggravation than pain.  I have the pain.  My sister says "you don't know, maybe now four years later they could have discovered something ."  I am not gonna get naked on an MRI table or CT scan.  All I can imagine is a cow being butchered and half of it lying naked on that table with people coming in and out.  I was scared and horrified.  Tubes hanging out places I don't even like to think about.  I will walk out into the woods, the deep dark woods before I let them do me like that again.  They would at least put a sheet on their mother. 

I just wish we could be there to stay with you.

 

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m watching my life unravel from the hospital experience and have no one to break the tension with a joke or a hug. 

Gwen:  So sorry you have these feelings of fear.  Please know how I wish I could get in my car and find my way out onto I-5 and drive the 35+ miles to Seattle.  Nowadays my vision problems don't make me feel comfortable whizzing along the interstate anymore.  Years ago I had no problems driving to downtown Seattle or even through Seattle up to Mt. Vernon to visit friends.   I could sit with you for awhile and maybe find something silly to smile about.  Or, we could drop into a small, quiet restaurant for a cup of coffee,  anything to let you know you are not totally alone.

Take care, Dee

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dee.  Ah yes, the I-5 continual backup.  I remember the days you could actually find times to drive it sans back ups.  

I'd come to Tacoma except for the same problems in reverse.  Not my eyes, but the crowds.  Guess we should never say never tho! 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

I do not need time alone.........I think too much. 

Hence my being awake since 12:45 am. 

[Tankerr50]

Hi, Marg M

I understand. With my experience this last year, being alone is my worst enemy. I go to thinking about my husband, and the tears begin to flow uncontrollably. So I now try to keep myself as busy as possible. I started this weekend, going to the park, walking my dog. I’m adding different things to my daily agenda to help me through this long process of grief. Please hang in there my friend, you’re are not alone. Take care. 

[kayc]

My pastor asked me to speak yesterday on the benefits of small groups, because I'm involved in so many of them.  I counted nine in all...he said the on line forums count because there is an exchange with other people...one of the first people I've met that actually recognizes that!  I've had some people poo-poo the idea, but quite honestly, this place is like an extended family to me, we share things I haven't with anyone else!

Two of those are once a month, some once a week, while my on line forums are at least once a day.  It helps to have contact with other people, helps not only to not isolate, but we get other's perspectives and glean information...we are all the richer for it.  I usually save my evenings to relax with my animals and have our "family time".