GATAF88 Posted September 16, 2018 Report Share Posted September 16, 2018 Hello, I’ve been reading and re-reading all the posts in this group over the past few days. I wish I could turn back time and done this 6 months ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. The timing was perfect when we first met, we’re both in our early 30’s, both well-established in our respective careers and had much pretty much stable and grounded lives. I could never put into words how beautiful our love story was. We were so similar yet different in many ways, the chemistry was through the roof and we complemented each other so well. We were just so full of love for each other. We both have never been so happy. Of course, there were challenges. We were in a LDR, 8,500 miles apart to be exact. We’ve only been dating for 2 months when he had to move back to his city. At first, the distance was overwhelming. We however committed to making this work. We survived most of the year on Skype calls, constant texts and calls and lots of love, patience and commitment. I was fortunate to have the privilege of being able to fly out to see him once or twice every month. I know of LDR couples who don’t see each other for months, and this makes me really thankful and appreciative of my blessings. Being able to be physically with him every month helped so much. Moreover, he was then able to request for a job relocation to my city during the latter part of year. That was a God send and really helped our relationship progress. His contract ended last March and he again had to move back to his country. At that time, our relationship was already very grounded that going into LDR again was something we weren’t very worried about anymore. We also already have discussed our future plans. I was going to quit my job next year and move with him. We were going to move back to his hometown, get married and start a family. It was a fairy tale come true. I was so happy I was so scared that something bad will eventually happen. And it did. Just a day before he was supposed to fly back, he got a call from his mom. There’s been an accident and his younger brother died. He completely broke down in front of me. I would never forget that night. He cried a few tears here and there when we had big arguments in the past, but never like this. It broke my heart to see him like this. And worse, I didn’t know what to do. After the shock has settled in a bit, I helped him booked the first flight out to his hometown. I couldn’t go with him due to work and I felt that it would be best for him to be able to focus fully on his family during this time. Through out the entire week leading up to the funeral, we have been in constant contact. I tried my best to be there for him, despite the distance. The two months after his brother’s death, he turned solely to me for support and motivation. I flew out to him a few times to ensure I’m able to really be there for him. He went about life like nothing has happened. I tried to get him to talk about his brother but he said that this was how he deals with grief, he doesn’t talk about it. So I stopped, I wish I didn’t. I wish I did more at this point. He thought about seeing a counselor. I encouraged him to do so, but he never talked about it again. Again, I wished I did more. The third month after his brother’s death, things started going downhill. The communication started getting inconsistent, he was missing our skype call dates, not replying for hours in time, those kinds of issues. Being in an LDR, these things are VERY important. We started fighting a lot. We fought about stupid things, thinking about it now - communication issues, trust and fidelity, commitment to the relationship. We would always eventually talk and make up of course. Last July, I stayed with him for a couple of weeks. We had fun and it was good to be together for a period longer than a few days. I was hoping that this vacation would help us get back on track. It didn’t. It got worse the month after. It got really busy and stressful at his workplace that month. He was working 16 hour shifts and weekends, and the pressure placed on him was just too much. To make matters worse, we just kept on fighting even more because the communication at this point was not what it used to be anymore. However, I flew in to see him that month and we were able to patch things up. He said he was very grateful for having me through all this. I told myself, we were going to make it through this. It’s just the distance that’s making us fight all the time. When we’re together, everything’s going to be alright. I was so wrong. He started turning to heavy drinking and drugs the last couple of weeks of August. I was calling him one night and he didn’t pick up. I got so mad that we didn’t speak for two weeks. I then initiated communication and texted him, asking him that we need to talk. He didn’t reply and so after a few days, I sent him an email. He texted me the next day saying he doesn’t know where to begin. That night that I was calling him, he overdosed and was rushed to the hospital. He felt so ashamed and depressed that he couldn’t bare to face me. We talked and cried this whole time. I told him that he should’ve told me sooner, that I wasn’t mad and that all I want is for him to alright. He kept on saying that he was so sorry, that not talking to me has killed him but there was no else to blame but himself. I told him that we will get through this together. We committed to help each other in this entire process. He promised to do better as well in opening up and talking about what he was feeling and thinking. Things were okay the next week and then we had another fight. We were in constant communication through text but I felt like he was trying to avoid talking to me face-to-face (Skype). I got upset, the fight started and then I brought up this stupid issue about his overuse of Snapchat. So stupid and shallow of me. We broke up at that time through text. We didn’t talk for one day. I then stumbled on this group and read a few of the posts. I couldn’t believe how similar the situations were. I then proceeded to text him apologizing for my actions. I promised that I will be a better partner to him from this point on and that I will doing anything and everything to help him through this process. He then replied saying that he will figure this out on his own. He said that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, but the timing and situation is just too much. He said that he’s going to crawl into a hole for next couple of months, that he won’t be checking in daily, disappear for hours in time, get drunk and do drugs. He said that I deserve better than that. I told him that I will support him through this, that everything takes a backseat now (including us) and that we fully focus on him and his healing now. He said that he will not be able to give me what I needed any time soon and that a relationship isn’t anywhere in the near future for him. I asked him if he did really love me, he said he does, that he loves me so much that it hurts so bad. We weren’t really able to properly finish the conversation at this point because his flight was about to take off. The last text I sent him was that I love him, I will wait for him and that he takes all the time that he needs to get himself back up. As I waited for his flight to land, I started reading more posts in this group. I started to realize how ignorant, insensitive and selfish I have been to him through out this 6 months. I only thought of MY issues and MY frustrations. Yes, he was in denial of his brother’s death and did not get to properly grieve at all. But I was also in denial of it. I pretended it never happened too. I expected everything to be back as it was but it’s not. Of course he will change, the communication will change, his mood will change, everything will change. I took that all personally and attacked him for being “less committed” to our relationship. I constantly demanded him to talk and discuss our relationship problems when I should’ve encouraged him to talk more about his brother and his feelings surrounding it. He stayed with me after his brother died. He stayed with me through all the fights despite going through such a tragic event. I got several chances to make this right with him. I took that all for granted. And now he’s really gone. His plane landed, he just read my message but did not reply back. That night, I sent him one last text. I said I was sorry for all my part in this, that I realized now that my actions were selfish and insensitive. I told him that I would respect his need for space and time to heal and that he should focus solely on himself now. I also said that I will always be here for him and that I’m just a text away. I didn’t expect him to reply back, he did not. So this is day 1. I feel so numb. I haven’t really cried yet. It’s like I don’t feel that this is final yet. Our conversation was cut short and I feel like this is not it. I know I’m probably still in denial and it would probably sink in soon. Right now, I just feel so much so guilt and regret because I feel like this is all my fault. I SHOULD’VE DONE BETTER. I should’ve done my due research on how to properly deal with grief. If I did, I would’ve been there to properly support him and we wouldn’t have ended up like this. I was so selfish and just thought of myself. I know from most of the posts here that I should not hope for him to come back and just move on with my life. I’ll be honest and say that at the moment, I can’t and I won’t. I am still hoping that we will be able to get through this. We’ve just been through so much together, this can’t be it. I guess for now, I’ll just take it one day at a time. All our communication lines are still open and unblocked from both ends. I will however respect his need for space and keep the “no contact”. I think we need the space too really, to breathe and just clear our heads. These last couple of weeks have been really emotionally draining for the both of us. I am very grateful to have found this group. I haven’t told anyone yet about this as I am afraid that I might just break down and never stop crying. This is the first time that I have really talked about it, and I feel much better already. I will keep on posting updates, if there is any. I would greatly appreciate any advice and insights on my situation. Your words provide such comfort and inspiration to everyone here. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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