BF needs space 6 months after his brother died

[kayc]

On 9/20/2018 at 2:08 PM, GATAF88 said:

He has to help himself first before anyone else can.

So true.

On 9/20/2018 at 2:08 PM, GATAF88 said:

I'm starting to accept now that this is not my burden to bear.

Truer yet!  👌

[GATAF88]

Sometime around four months ago, my boyfriend was notified that he will be relocated (for work) just a few hours away from his hometown by next summer. It was going to be a bit more difficult for us to see each other but we were still very committed. His workload will also lessen significantly at this new post and he's going to be closer to his family. The pros outweighed the cons so we were really looking forward to this change. 

He was in the process of slowly selling all his assets (house, cars, etc.) when things got really stressful at work and all our problems started a few months later. 

Fastforward to now....

Five days into 100% NC, he texted me.

He said that I shouldn't blame myself for what's going on because it's all his problem. It wasn't created by either of us and that it's just something that he has to deal with. 

As consistently advised on all the threads here, I continued to remain supportive, took cues from his words and actions, and avoided any relationship talk. He however constantly said that he loves me very much. Only during these times, I did say "I love you" back. 

We texted for a while, just catching up on things. He was opening up and clearly wanted to talk so I just let him. He said that he truly appreciates my love and support and that it means the world to him. He also said that he does want to talk soon.

He mentioned that he's been so busy at work ever since he got back from home. He added that another stressful task was dropped on him the first day he got back. Aside from his upcoming relocation next summer, he was assigned another temporary job post this coming November. This post will take months to complete. So now, he has to immediately prepare for this new job post and at the same time, sell everything and pack up his whole life in a month. His work situation is also not showing any signs of slowing down any time soon. So yes, he is dealing with A LOT of stress right now.

I remained supportive the entire time and I could feel that it helped him a lot, just being to talk to me about it.

The next day, he texted me a simple "I love you". I replied back with a simple "I love you too". I didn't text him anymore after this, just to give him the space that needs to deal with his job. 

After a couple of days, he texted that he wants to see me tomorrow. I was flying to Chicago for work the next day so I asked him if he meant to meet me there or if he just wanted to video chat. He then said that he wish he could go but work was just too busy at the moment. We talked a bit more when I got to Chicago. He's being a bit more of himself now --- more affectionate, calling me by our terms of endearment, saying he misses me so much. He also said he feels awful about everything, how he handled it. That I was never the problem and that he's so sorry.

The past few days have been quite emotional for me. I am glad that he is finally reaching out and opening up to me. At the same time, I'm also trying to deal with my own emotions. I miss him like crazy but I am also respecting his need for space. It hurts so much not being able to talk to him everyday but I have to deal with this pain on my own. I'm also trying my very best not expect or hope for anything as I know things can change quickly. What he says today can entirely change tomorrow. 

There's also that added stress of not being able to see him for the next coming months. He's going somewhere really far away, it's literally in the middle of nowhere. I can pretty much fly anywhere he gets assigned to, except for this one place. One thing I'm thankful for though is that he will have very limited, if not zero access to drugs and alcohol in this place. When he was stressing about this job post, I told him there may be a good purpose why he's being sent there. I would like to think that this is God's small push to help him get away from these bad coping mechanisms. I also believe that the solitude that this place will provide will help him greatly with his grieving process and allow him to move on properly.

I am really trying to stay strong for him. It gives me comfort knowing that he finds some strength and support in me. I will be honest and say that there are days when I feel that I have nothing left to give. But I have been praying a lot these past weeks and have always found renewed strength and faith in this. 

I am taking care of myself despite everything that's been going on. I have been focusing on my studies, doing LOTS of exercise and staying busy with friends and family. All these help a lot in keeping me sane and grounded.

I am also not initiating any contact with him unless he contacts me first. It's not 100% NC at the moment, but I am still trying to give him as much space as possible.

I will continue to update you on any more changes. Please do let me know if there is anything else that I can do in this situation.

Thank you once again for your support and guidance.
 

[kayc]

I can only urge you caution, which you say you have but I'm not sure at this point how much you can have being as you are still not over him.

[GATAF88]

Hello, I just wanted to provide an update for everyone.

My boyfriend and I have gotten back together since he initiated contact last month. 

It hasn't been easy though. There are days when everything seems perfect. He's back to his adorable loving self and I was very sure that we are going to be alright in time. However there are days where I feel the exact opposite and just want to give up and walk away from all this.

He admitted that he went to a very dark place that time that we broke up. 

There are still a lot of things that we need to talk about. We're slowly going through these issues, one at a time. The first thing I discussed with him though were the drugs and he agreed and committed that this will stop. He hasn't been on any since we got back together.

We are taking this one day at a time. I have realized that being back together is not the end goal here. There is still so much work cut out for us. I know we may never get back to how we used to be before. In time I hope, it will.

Prayer and faith has been my source of strength in all this. I have also reached out to a bestfriend and my sister regarding my situation and this has helped a lot also. 

I will continue to provide more updates as they come.

 

 

[kayc]

I get very nervous when drugs or alcoholism are involved because just quitting is only the start, it's a life long battle.  A person can have sobriety for years and then break it.  I wish you the best and hope you're the miracle couple.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm