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Detour on the grief road


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On ‎10‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 3:39 PM, TomPB said:

I'm sure nobody will be shocked to hear that my little detour into romance is over. It went from hot to warm to zero very quickly and I still don't know why. One guess is, as Marg says, she may have had second thoughts re being with someone who had lost a soulmate. Maybe a friend said "OMG stay the F away from that situation, it's a minefield". Who knows? Anyway I was apprehensive from day one about what this outcome would do to my emotional state. Good news is I haven't been slammed down as far as the worst case. It's "just" given me an extra deep sadness and longing for Susan and appreciation for how wonderful my life was in ways I took for granted, gone now. My grief counselor pointed out that having the new relationship quickly yanked away is like a repeat of Susan's sudden death, tho obviously not on the same scale. Therapists and friends tell me to not be alone and I've been socializing but no amount of going out with friends can make up a trillionth of being with Susan. I'm just tired of living without her.   That said, I did have a few days of actually being happy.

 

On ‎10‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 3:39 PM, TomPB said:

I'm sure nobody will be shocked to hear that my little detour into romance is over. It went from hot to warm to zero very quickly and I still don't know why. One guess is, as Marg says, she may have had second thoughts re being with someone who had lost a soulmate. Maybe a friend said "OMG stay the F away from that situation, it's a minefield". Who knows? Anyway I was apprehensive from day one about what this outcome would do to my emotional state. Good news is I haven't been slammed down as far as the worst case. It's "just" given me an extra deep sadness and longing for Susan and appreciation for how wonderful my life was in ways I took for granted, gone now. My grief counselor pointed out that having the new relationship quickly yanked away is like a repeat of Susan's sudden death, tho obviously not on the same scale. Therapists and friends tell me to not be alone and I've been socializing but no amount of going out with friends can make up a trillionth of being with Susan. I'm just tired of living without her.   That said, I did have a few days of actually being happy.

Tom:  Sorry for what you've been through.  I do think every loss at all after having lost the love of your life is very traumatic.  Even though I do have nice days, good times now too, I still feel thrown up against a wall every time I lose something, anything it seems.  A potential relationship/friendship is a pretty big one.  I had a hiking buddy who wanted to be romantic, but I did not but he said we would always be good friends.  Well, he met someone to be romantic with and told me he couldn't be my friend anymore......that was pretty hurtful...we had only ever been friends but his girlfriend couldn't tolerate him seeing me, talking to me, running into me.....it felt like getting thrown away.  Just want you to know I think we all understand the pain of any loss after the biggest kind.  Take care....Cookie

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I've given up on the idea of being in a relationship again.  Lord knows I've tried, four marriages and two engagements besides.  I always hung in there to the bitter end, I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to break up with me, my son said he's never seen anyone try so hard.  All but with George, with him it felt effortless.  Don't get me wrong, there's no such thing as a marriage without effort, but it didn't FEEL like effort with him, we just fit together so perfectly, and neither of us would have run the other direction.  Figures he'd die, that shows my luck.  I haven't even met anyone in the same caliber as him, he was my soul mate, that's for sure.  If I thought there was another one for me I'd be out there looking but I think they broke the mold.  But like I said, Tom, if you want that, I really hope you keep looking and find it.  My best friend did, and they're both so happy!  I'm glad for them, I really am.

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I mentioned a friend who became a widow about 2000.  She had more anger than any other emotion.  I know that was her hurting.  She has been married now about 15 years to a man who has been sick the whole 15 years and it has always been life or death situations.  We have been friends since we were 15, very close friends, our kids, their kids. Her first husband went to school with Billy, we got them together.  She got her now husband out of about 2-1/2 months rehab and he is a tough ole fellow.  Cannot get around but very little.  He was worried about leaving her and she has always said he treated her like a queen.  She is a tough lil ole gal herself.  She told him "God knows he does not want to make me a widow again."  I admire her strength.  

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