olemisfit Posted September 27, 2018 Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Well "shucks" on a cracker! Just what I need is another reminder. Tomorrow will be day #1000 of being without my wife. Even though her health was fading by the time I retired on Jan 1st, 2011 I still woke up each morning with a feeling of contentment and even with excitement to have her to wake up with each day. My official retirement date was 1/1/2011, and Cookie's death was on 1/1/2016. That crush I had on her by the time we got married (on 3/7/75) never went away. If anything, it got stronger over the years. Heck, I still have a crush on her. That festering, burning hole in my gut doesn't hurt as much by now, but there isn't a day that she isn't on my mind. Just like in the movie "as good as it gets" Cookie always made me want to be a better man. Holy cow but do I ever miss her physical presence! Nothing is the same without her. For the most part we both liked the same TV shows, and they were somehow better when we watched them together. Ditto with football games. I still watch TV every once in a while, but it sure isn't the same by myself. I used to love to read. We owned a used book store in Scottsdale Arizona for several years back in the early 1980's. But we had to shut it down when a video rental store opened up immediately next door to our bookstore. So after that we never had to wonder where our next book to read would come from. Since Cookie's passing I just can't seem to get interested in reading anything. Not even a magazine. Trying to look into my future what I see is just another 1000 days of this same emptiness and loneliness. In spite of how all this appears to be, I'm not saying all this wanting anyone's pity or sympathy. The only reason I feel what I feel now is because we had such a wonderful and perfect relationship. Man, but did we ever! Cookie & I shared the good times, and I have 41 years of memories. I can't remember the exact wording of the old saying I'm wanting to use now, but it's something about unto each of us a little rain must fall. So I have to endure that rainfall now. Ain't no biggee with all the memories that I have to keep me company. It isn't as good as her physically being here with me. But even on the worst of days it's better than what it would be like if she & I had never met. I still miss her presence every day. Oh well, I will continue putting one foot in front of the other as I continue this "journey" Darrel 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 27, 2018 Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Darrel, Don't give up hope...it took me a full ten years to get my love of reading back, and I'd always been an avid reader! The focus/concentration just wasn't there. Talk about grief fog! How in the world does one know it's been 1,000 days unless you literally keep count of the days as they occur! Somehow I never wanted to, the daily reminders were hard enough to endure. Love your one foot in front of the other! What else can we do?! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted September 27, 2018 Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 996 days for me. It feels like time has a real twist. Some days are like the first, raw and almost only moments ago. Other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I guess it is a life time, my new lifetime without him. as Darrel says, "one foot in front of the other". 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olemisfit Posted September 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 1 hour ago, kayc said: Darrel, Don't give up hope...it took me a full ten years to get my love of reading back, and I'd always been an avid reader! The focus/concentration just wasn't there. Talk about grief fog! How in the world does one know it's been 1,000 days unless you literally keep count of the days as they occur! Somehow I never wanted to, the daily reminders were hard enough to endure. Love your one foot in front of the other! What else can we do?! Good morning Kay. I hope this finds you well today. I guess I must be a glutton for punishment. I've never been a quitter.I used to be a strong positive person. But Cookie's death really sucked all the wind out of my sails. I'm slowly getting it back, but I expect I may not ever be 100%. But I don't know how to quit trying. After Cookie died I started counting the days. I was in such a deep melancholy that I was willing to try willing just about anything to try to stop those never ending pity parties. Keeping track of the days did seem to help---somehow. Maybe it just gave something to keep my mind occupied with. I guess it became a habit eventually. I don't keep track of the days as much now, but every once in a while day see where I'm at. I suppose I'll eventually get my interest back to read. I sure do hope so. I do miss my books! My passion now is do things that will hopefully make Cookie a reason to be proud of me. One of these days Cookie and I will be together again. When my turn comes to walk through the Pearlie Gates and we re-unite it will be forever. I look forward to that so very much. I'm not afraid of death. I know I can't outrun the grim reaper, but I'm certainly not gonna do anything to rush it along. Have yourself a wonderful day somehow. As my grandmother used to tell me and my 2 sisters, it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than it does to frown. So try to find something to smile about. One foot in front of the other... Darrel 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 27, 2018 Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Darrel, Where was your bookstore in Scottsdale? I used to frequent one on MIller Rd. south of Camelback. Not sure if our time frames crossed paths though. May have since I've been in the area since 1967. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olemisfit Posted September 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Hi Karen. The bookstore was in a strip center. I don't know if the shopping center still has the same name now. When we had the bookstore it was named the Bayless-Revco Village. The address was 103209 N. Scottsdale Road. This was at the intersection of Scottsdale and Bell Road. A picture of our store's bookmark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olemisfit Posted September 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Karen, I don't remember where Miller Rd is but we bought our store from a couple who also had a store down in the central part of Scottsdale. Pat & Jack Steen was their name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 27, 2018 Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 I have never counted the days. Months only for the first 2 years. Now getting close to 4 years, that is enough of a reminder as Kay said. At this point, I don’t even want to know the day count. When I get really down about his loss I remind myself that at least I won’t have to live in this hell as long as I had lived with him. I know I’ll never make another 37 years. I don’t want to hurry it along, I guess. But I do know that the sooner the pain ends, the better. I came to that conclusion for me because it keeps getting harder unlike much I read here about others finding more respites. I can’t say I love him more than any of you love your lost partners. I just can’t find a way in all this time I will ever get out from the emptiness that envelopes me every waking hour. We had the fun years, I was hoping we would face the challenges of getting old together. He escaped that. He had to lose his life to do it and I can’t wrap my head around that. That I have lost his dialogue about this aging adds to the loneliness. He was such a happy person, he would have brought some levity to this new phase. I can’t begin to guess what he would have said and I so could use that. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 27, 2018 Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Darrel, Miller is between Scottsdale Rd. and Hayden. Your store was in the nicer part of Scottsdale. That area has really built up as has all of north Scottsdale. Big, fine homes and expensive stores. Afraid I live in south Scottsdale which is not so nice now, but was when I bought the place in 1968. I stopped counting the days and months a long time ago. Ron has been gone over 5 years and Debbie over 4. It is hard to imagine that much time has passed. Some days I am still in a fog. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olemisfit Posted September 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2018 Hi again Karen. If I remember the timeline we shut the bookstore down about 9 months after the Borgata opened on Scottsdale Road. I donated my appendix to research (lol) while we lived there. We eventually moved to Holbrook and operated a Comfort Inn there. We lived the life of nomads until Cookie's health started to fall apart. I can relate to the fog you mentioned. I never seem to be able to extracate myself from that foggy atmosphere. Such is life now I reckon. One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 28, 2018 Report Share Posted September 28, 2018 23 hours ago, olemisfit said: I used to be a strong positive person. But Cookie's death really sucked all the wind out of my sails. I'm slowly getting it back, but I expect I may not ever be 100%. But I don't know how to quit trying. I STILL see you as a strong positive person! But you're right, if anything can knock the wind out of sails, it's this. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 On 9/27/2018 at 9:18 AM, kayc said: Darrel, Don't give up hope...it took me a full ten years to get my love of reading back, and I'd always been an avid reader! The focus/concentration just wasn't there. Talk about grief fog! How in the world does one know it's been 1,000 days unless you literally keep count of the days as they occur! Somehow I never wanted to, the daily reminders were hard enough to endure. Love your one foot in front of the other! What else can we do?! The nerd in me... I found an app that calculated the days. I haven't even looked at it in a while... 1320 days, 3 years, 7 months 12 days. ... I don't feel any better knowing this. I didn't think I could survive one day after her death. 😢 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olemisfit Posted September 29, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said: The nerd in me... I found an app that calculated the days. I haven't even looked at it in a while... 1320 days, 3 years, 7 months 12 days. ... I don't feel any better knowing this. I didn't think I could survive one day after her death. 😢 More than one has put their comments onto this thread that has me feeling pretty irritated. I don't know if it is their desire to make me feel like the village idiot, but if that was or is your desire I can honestly tell you that you haven't succeeded. In the beginning of this grief thing I began keeping count of the days that passed since my wife's death. SO WHAT? That doesn't make me the village idiot. Not of the village I live in. But if I would be if I lived in your village then my only comment is...thank God I don't have to live in your village. But I will give you this...I will not allow this to turn into a pissing contest. After posting this here, I will be sending Marty a private message asking her to delete me from this group. I hold no ill will to anyone. Maybe you have the right to make fun of me. I also think I have the right to not want to be someone's punching bag. Maybe now you will want to make fun of me for leaving. Go for it. Good bye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Oh Darrel, I don't believe anyone here was indicating that you are the "village idiot". We were simply expressing our responses concerning the ways we view the amount of time that our loved ones have been gone. Hope you reconsider. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Hope you do too, Darryl. No one is making fun of you. Some of us would just find it hard to know the day count. Others might feel good they have gotten this far as you have. There are no judgements, just personal reactions as always. N rights, no wrongs. Please think of the support you have been given and what you have given others here. You are an integral part of this family. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Huh? If I made you feel like that, I apologize. I thought you knew me better than to think that of me though. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 13 hours ago, olemisfit said: More than one has put their comments onto this thread that has me feeling pretty irritated. I don't know if it is their desire to make me feel like the village idiot, but if that was or is your desire I can honestly tell you that you haven't succeeded. In the beginning of this grief thing I began keeping count of the days that passed since my wife's death. SO WHAT? That doesn't make me the village idiot. Not of the village I live in. But if I would be if I lived in your village then my only comment is...thank God I don't have to live in your village. But I will give you this...I will not allow this to turn into a pissing contest. After posting this here, I will be sending Marty a private message asking her to delete me from this group. I hold no ill will to anyone. Maybe you have the right to make fun of me. I also think I have the right to not want to be someone's punching bag. Maybe now you will want to make fun of me for leaving. Go for it. Good bye. Darryl, I have no clue how you took what i said as a personal attack. I was agreeing with you. Your post reminded me of my own nature so by your own words, I must be the village idiot. I was commiserating WITH YOU. I meant no harm or offense. This post response will cause me to hesitate, reflect, and probably not respond in the future, even when I AGREE with someone. We are all traversing this grief path. I have followed you and supported you from your first post years ago. There are times when I have mistaken what people say, write, or post. I am saddened by your response and I ask for your forgiveness. 😧 "One foot in front of the other"... - George- Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Darrel if I have offended you I am truly sorry. I didn't mean to cause anyone any upset. We all struggle here and try to support each other. No one is perfect and words can be interpreted in a different way by the reader from what the writer was thinking. Please reconsider your leaving. None of us want you to go. @MartyT can you make sure Darrel knows we want him to stay, please. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Dear ones, I've asked Darrel to reconsider his request, and he has assured me that he intends to stay with us ❤️ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Thank you MartyT! Darrel I'm glad you're staying. I hope that your days are better knowing you are very much wanted here. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 29, 2018 Report Share Posted September 29, 2018 Me too, I wouldn't have messaged you the other day if I didn't want you here! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CairnLady Posted October 2, 2018 Report Share Posted October 2, 2018 Darrel, I haven’t posted anything in quite a while, but have been reading posts of others almost every day. Your posts are very important (as are others) because I can recognize myself in so many ways, and not feel like I’m “wrong”, or “weak” for my grief, which still consumes me each day. A little over 2 years and I still cry everyday. Your “one foot in front of the other” always helps me whenever I feel that I just can’t do this anymore. just wanted you to know you are helping others ❤️❤️❤️ CairnLady 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widow'15 Posted October 2, 2018 Report Share Posted October 2, 2018 4 hours ago, CairnLady said: Your “one foot in front of the other” always helps me whenever I feel that I just can’t do this anymore. just wanted you to know you are helping others ❤️❤️❤️ CairnLady CairnLady and Darrel: "One Foot in Front of the Other" is repeated daily in my lonely life without my Bob. Darrel, you have helped me each time I read one of your entries. Please know this. With sincere thoughts for you. Dee 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2018 Report Share Posted October 3, 2018 23 hours ago, CairnLady said: Your “one foot in front of the other” always helps me whenever I feel that I just can’t do this anymore. just wanted you to know you are helping others I agree. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now