Terrible October came again

[Gin]

 

It's been 3 years tomorrow since Al's been gone

I miss him more than words can say.

The joy is gone, my spirit died with him.

It's so hard not to have him to love.

And to be loved in return.  We were great together.

Absolutely great. Made a good team.  

Doctors said the same.

My life seems so empty without him.

So pointless and blah.    I need to feel needed.

 He was so wise.  So witty.  So smart. So kind.

So many things I miss about him.  Holding hands.  

Loved to garden with him, cook with him, cuddle,

Watch tv with him,  and all those many, many plays..

I am amazed I have lived this long without him.

Shows me that God is in control....not me.

Try to honor him, but don't know how.

Life will never be the same...not even close.

I only had him in my life for 16 years, but what a wonderful time it was!

 

 

Saw this on Facebook and like it:

 

 

I know there are several of our "grief family" that have 

the death anniversary in Oct.  You are all in my heart.

 

[Gin]

Sorry it did not copy.

 

I could only be grateful when I realized that  I would rather have known you

for a moment than never at all.   I would rather endure this  inexplicable pain of outliving you

than to never have seen your face, spoken your name.  I would rather be yours and you  be mine mine, regardless.

Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights, and the years I will walk this earth, carrying you in my heart.

                                Facebook.com/heaven garden.angel

[Marie Lee]

Hi Gin....

I can feel your great love for Al...I am sure he is with you in spirit and beaming proudly at you.

Be kind to yourself... this life is hard and even harder for us who travel without our loves.

The only thing I can do that kind of helps me is to try to share love with others. We are all broken in some way and everyone needs love.

hugs! Marie

[Gwenivere]

Beautiful what you wrote, Gin.  We truly learn how to describe love when it is taken from us.  I hope tomorrow is kind to you. 💕

[KarenK]

Thinking of you, Gin. For me, it does not seem to get easier or more acceptable with time, but somehow just more adaptable.

[kayc]

Gin, thinking of you today and praying your day goes okay, don't know that we can hope for more than that on such days.  Love and hugs to you!

[olemisfit]

Gin, my thoughts and sympathy will be with you today and tomorrow. The day your journey without Al began.  I feel nothing but love for everyone here who gets up each day, grits their teeth and tries to find some reason to smile as they get through another day putting one foot in front of the other. After having the best parts of us amputated and taken away from us, just getting through another day is an accomplishment. Try to find something to smile about tomorrow.

Gin, with your permission, I would like to copy your entire post into my "love journal" that I started after Cookie passed. Just for my private edification. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[brat#2]

Gin, said beautifully.  My 3 year mark was in July so I completely understand every word you said.  This is so hard no matter how long you have with them, it's the love that counted and still does, not the years together.  You are in my heart right now and sending you hugs and wishes that the day will find some kind of comfort.  Joyce

 

[Gin]

Sure,Darrel.

[Gin]

Sure sad  that most of my family and friends are not aware of the date.   I told a few earlier , but unless it affects them.....

[Gwenivere]

It never can, Gin.  A marriage/partnership is a unique bond.  Like parent and child or siblings.  I would imagine people in those relationships find no one gets it either unless it’s happened to them.  I know that is why I find grief so lonely.  I was the first in my social circle to lose a mother.  Had to do that alone til others joined that club.  The only fortunate thing we have now is this technology that can connect us to others as we so need if there is no one in real life to connect to.  The more we people we know, the less alone we feel about the situation.  As I said once before, when I now hear on the news someone died, my mind immediately goes to their spouse and thinking the world they just got pulled into unwillingly.  My empathy factor has grown immensely.  That is a good thing, but the price was too much.

I'm already torn this month between has it really been so long and it feels like a lifetime.  How can something feel so short and so long at the same time?

[Margm]

I know it makes no sense but if a movie came out in 2015, or anything else, I won't watch it.  October was our month.  I have to go back up there Monday.  I dread it.  I do things that make no sense to other people.  My friend lost her husband October 2nd, about 11-12 years ago.  I mentioned getting rid of the month October and she said she loved the month October.  I told her she was just a  better Christian than I am.  And, I am sure she is.  She is a good person.  Have to go back to what my grandma said after 18 years "it seems like yesterday."  Sure miss that fellow.  

[Gin]

Went to  the doctor today.  He was Al's Doctor, also.  I reminded him that it has been 3 years.  Of course I was tearing up.  I told him how hard it was living without Al.  I told him I was really trying..joined a book club, health club, and Bible Study, etc.. Then he said, "But the person you want to talk to isn't there".  Exactly.  Now I was more than tearing up.  They were spilling over.  I left.

[Gwenivere]

I, too, notice 2014.  Anything with that year associated with it.  I always hated this month because of Halloween anyway.  I guess that is one thing to be grateful for, it didn’t add a month I had no reason to dislike.  Grateful.  What an inappropriate word for this hell.

[Margm]

I read somewhere where someone said "really, you did not think it would be happily ever after, did you?"  Well, I did not think of it as such.  I am like that author (Wm. Saroyan) “Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.......  I thought maybe we could outrun it.  Get in the RV and "it" could not find us if we went fast enough.  

“And they...LIVED! Life isn't always ‘Happily Ever After’, rather, loving FOREVER, regardless.” ― Carmen DeSousa, She Belongs To Me  

Even with the double cancer and the ruptured colon, I knew I would go first but I did not plan it, if it happened, it would just happen.  Billy was too laid back, never got in a hurry, except to leave, and he did that pretty damn fast.  But, we had a good run while it lasted.  And, I am going to tempt fate, I am getting a poster of Jason Mamoa (Aquaman) and that is gonna PO Billy to no end, if he knows, if he cares, if he and Jesus just look at each other and say "what can you do with her?"  (Brianna is getting it for me), and honestly, I don't think I can really hang it up, I feel terribly disloyal.  Nah, don't think I can do it. (But I will go see the movie). I have hit that age that C.S. Lewis was talking about. "But some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. "  I am enjoying the "Circle of Ceridwen" series by Octavia Randolph.  It would  be good if I could pronounce those Norse and Anglo-Saxon words, but I make up my own pronunciations.  I kinda have a feeling that I need to read all I can, while I can.  

[Dawn G]

Gin, I know what you mean and I'm sorry for your huge loss.  Becoming a widow can reveal how much you have become entwined in the life of your spouse, how lost you feel without him.  When my husband died, I felt like I'd been placed on an alien planet---everything was the same but NOTHING was the same.    
Grief as big as yours takes quite awhile to subside, but I think you will start to find a new normal that you can live with and even enjoy.
You have a strong need to be needed. In what other way can you make use of that virtue?  Are you good at nurturing children?  
Do you like to teach?  Is there something you're really good at or have a strong interest in that you could teach to others?
Nothing can replace your husband of course, but a productive occupation might be a good diversion and you might find it brings you a lot of joy!