Big mistake

[Gwenivere]

I’ve had so much pain from sleeping in our bed I decided to try the spare bed I used when Steve had bad nights.  I slept better than I had in a long time but woke to a panic attack being in that room instantaneously.  I was flooded with all that had been happening back then.  I hadn’t slept in there for over 4 years.  I got up and saw into our empty bedroom and about crumpled to the floor in despair.   I also couldn’t sleep with my eldest dog and she wandered around looking for me.  I’m an emotional mess today with the nicotine withdrawal thrown in.  It didn’t help the walking plain much if at all.  I’m quickly getting close to calling a crisis line as I am just frigging losing it.  I feel I have no need for this life anymore.  I’m tired of being told I’m strong.  I’m tired of the panic disorder ruling my life again.  I’m tired of being tired and alone.  Never laughing.  Never enjoying anything.  I tried to change things by getting a take and bake pizza last night.   Missed stealing the sausage from his.  I can have it all now.  TV jabbering in the background as always.  Errands this afternoon I don’t care about but needed.  Home to to oxygen leash.  Shower when I don’t care.  Has to vent this crap.  I know I safely can here.  

[MartyT]

Yes, you can, Gwen. I'm so sorry ~ but we are here, we care, we are listening, and we just want you to know that you are being heard (without judgment or reproach) . . . 

[Gin]

Oh Gwen,. I feel so bad for you.  I know it is such a hard road.  Being alone magnifies everything, especially when illness rears its ugly head.  I have no ambition to get rid of stuff so I can leave this house.  Too much to take care of.  I understand how it overwhelms you.  Do call the crisis line if you need to.  You are valuable to us and we want you well.     Gin

[KarenK]

Gwen, one of the hardest things is knowing that they are never coming back and will never be in a particular room or use a particular piece of furniture. Not too long after Ron left, I replaced the sofa and the lounge chair that he used a lot. At least I didn't see his ghost there anymore. He had slept mostly on the sofa for a long time as the bed was no longer comfortable to him, so I don't have a problem there. I'm just so sorry that all this physical and mental pain is coming down on you.

I hope you are able to find someone to talk with. WE LOVE YOU!

[widow'15]

Gwen:  So very sorry you're having anxiety attacks.  How frightening for you being alone with no one to assure you instantly that you will be ok.  My daughter has anxiety attacks and thankfully her husband is there with her.   You know how you feel, so if you need to call the crises line, might it be a good idea?   Your nicotine withdrawal would be enough to put most of us into anxiety attacks.  

"The never ending errands that never seem to end".  This past week I had a long list of errands and a follow up doctor appointment for myself to get behind me before Tuesday.  My sweet fur baby, Maddie, has an appointment with a canine oncologist Tuesday.  Then yesterday, discovered a pool of rain water in my garage.  The never ending fir needles are clogging my downspouts.  Top of my list tomorrow will be to call a Roof Cleaning Service.

Hope the good sleep you had sleeping in the other bed, will give you the energy and strength to take care of yourself.  Thinking of you.  Dee  

[Gwenivere]

 

Thanks everyone.  It’s so frustrating to try something you hope would help and have it so drastically backfire.  Adds more to the stress.   My elder dog has gone suddenly deaf to most things.  She was at the vet Friday and had an infection so they cleaned her ears and put in some antibiotic.  I was going to take her to the ER vet, but didn’t know what med her vet used.  Will have to call tomorrow.  Another thing to do and worry about alone.  I did the weeks food shopping and it was pitifully small as usual.  A lot for the dogs.  I limped my way to a blood draw.  I used to care about the outcome.  The nicotine withdrawal is horrid so days are terribly long.  Had to change the cars oxygen tank.   Just want to sleep as none of this crap exists there.   Rarely dream anymore.  The hours just pass so quickly.  Got a shower in so I don’t fall into losing that as a priority that I’m still functional.   In my head I feel the countdown to when I have to do this again.  The worst if all this?  I’m becoming so self focused when I want to be helpful to others here as they havve been for me.  So....sorry for the complaining.  Love you all tho I have wandered off the path a bit.  🦋

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Gwen, I have had panic attacks, and they are no fun.  Are you on nicotine patches?  I'm sorry about your dog, do they think some of the hearing will return?  My cat is losing all her senses, sight, hearing, smell, probably taste too.  It's hard seeing them grow old.

Karen, you said you got a new sofa...and I hang onto ours because although it's 18, it was the first piece of furniture we got for "us".  I can't sleep in our bed, it's just a reminder he's gone.  I know none of this makes sense, not like I don't know he's gone, but that just drives it home, you know?

Gwen, no need for apologies, you're going through a tough road right now.  Do you have somewhere you can call when you have a panic attack?  Very hard to go through alone.  Just having a connection at the other end of the phone might be helpful, I have been through them alone, I hate it.

[mik]

I hear your pain. Every day is challenging. Anxiety attacks can keep you stuck.  With all that said, there is still a beacon shinning...you are here, a plethora of love and memories that define who you are. Memories and a life that you share with others daily. Just reading your words gives the rest of us hope, even though veiled in pain, that great love still exists and never leaves us no matter what challenges we face. Your husband left an indelible print on your soul and in your heart. I think how lucky you are to still be a part of that. I know right now it dosent feel that way and that you feel anything but lucky, but then I imagine those who have never had an opportunity to be with someone who they love this much. Have you sought help for your panic?  I suffered and still suffer from panic attacks, but with the help of a therapist I have learned to control them. I am wishing you peace...from anxiety and from grief. Hang in there. We are all grateful you are here!

 

 

 

 

[Kieron]

On 10/8/2018 at 9:34 AM, mik said:

I imagine those who have never had an opportunity to be with someone who they love this much.

Well said.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve had diagnosed panic disorder for 30 years now.  Have to take meds on a daily schedule to control them.  When stress levels increase they break thru the meds.  Have to either take more or wait if next dose is close.  I have called my counselor at times but it doesn’t really help.  It’s a nasty foe.  Genetic in my case tho it can happen to anyone.  Mother, several cousins and my grandmother committed suicide from it.  There were no meds at all back in the early 20th century and she didn’t drink.  Alcohol works but there is rebound anxiety and becoming addicted.  I’m dependent on my meds, can’t stop them cold turkey.  I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy for how intense a full attack can be.  What annoys me is people thinking this is just exaggerated anxiety.  It’s real, millions have it and it’s in the DSM3.  It’s as physical as diabetes or any other uncurable condition.  You just learn to manage it.

[Margm]

Gwen, please tell me you have your Xanax.  I do not smoke but I know it is horrible to quit.  They have my sister down to one an hour.  They work things into cigarettes that make it near impossible to quit.  Even ammonia.  (Although I don't know what that would do), but having a husband who quit (but went straight to his ultimate weapon, oral tobacco), he could never quit.  Being by yourself is extra hard.  Sometimes I act like I know how things feel when I have no idea, and cigarettes, I have no idea except my sis and my mate.  But, I do know quitting amphetamines cold turkey.  You know they had to put me away.  My heart is with you my friend, but I've learned, I cannot speak for another person.  But we are here, and that does not help you at all, just grown to care for you my friend.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 we are here, and that does not help you at all, just grown to care for you my friend.  

You all do help me, Marg.  Very much.  Yes, I do have my Xanax and it helps some.  I now know what they mean about quitting or cutting down is harder than heroin, not that I have done heroin.  I’ve never experienced something so intense.  I just posted on the online support group about odd sensations I keep getting.  Like here, it’s extremely helpful to talk to others experiencing the same thing.  I’m replacing the nicotine, but am sure there is withdrawal from other additives to make it more addictive.  My doc and many don’t care about the nicotine, say use the replacements forever if you want, it’s the smoke that is so bad for you.  There is a lot of mental dependence as well.  Something to reach for that is calming tho one would think the opposite.  It’s also a calming ritual.  Coming from a generation that smoked, it’s part of good times and bad.  I never battled amphetimines, but I did battle cocaine.  But that wasn’t a physical addiction.  I just thought I had to have it for a good time.  When the panic attacks started I walked away from that and never looked back, no reaction physically.  

Its amazing to me now being in my 60's the things we did to our bodies.  It makes me wonder about the residents at the nursing home.  Most all 20 and 30 years older and what they did as young people.  We’re some alcoholics?  Others on other drugs?  When you get that age people treat you like you’ve always been an old person like nice ol' grandma or dad.  These people were once young fools as we were!How did they party?  What crazy things did they do, and I’ve heard some stories, believe me.  Just as I watch intense lust scenes in movies and remember those drives, they had them too.  When they cuss people freak out.  The facility won’t show movies over PG13.  Dont know what got me onto that tangent.  I’m guessing nicotine withdrawal.  🤪

[Gwenivere]

As most of you know, I am alone.  No friends or family locally.  I ran into a woman I met years ago at the dog park.last week, 3rd time I have.  She’s a new widow, one year now.  She had given me her number months ago in a parking lot where we bumped into each other.  We had a great talk for over an hour last week and I told her I’d call her so we could get together again.  To sit in person with someone like all you I know here was great.   The hitch is I wrote her number down wrong.  I have no way to get in contact with her.  The only thing. Thought tomdo is drop a note at the church she attends in hopes someone there knows her.  I don’t know if they even tried or she is just involved in some of the programs, it’s a Unitarian church.  All I know is she mentioned it.  I’m so bummed out.  For once I could speak in person to someone who understands and actually help as she is still struggling with the newness of it all.   She also just lost her dog so has that extra burden.  One I will be facing sooner than later.  I hate feeling like she may think I don’t want to connect.  The universe has a perverse sense of humor.  It just keeps taking and taking now.  

[kayc]

I have no idea what it is like personally, only what I've witnessed in others.  George had quit smoking before I met him, then after we married, a friend handed him a cigarette, he took it unthinking and was instantly hooked again.  He struggled to quit, never did make it, but he'd cut back 90%...the doctor never gave him credit for that...I did.  He had anxiety and not wanting to take something for it that would render him impotent, he preferred to wing it with the anxiety and smoking was one of those ways of coping, it calmed him.  That I understood.  I can't be around it, but he was very careful and considerate to wash his hands and use mouthwash afterwards, never smoked in the house or car, I appreciated his consideration of my Asthma and allergies.  I also understood his habit.  I've never felt judgment for smokers, I came from a family of smokers, both parents, all three older sisters, perhaps it was in growing up in a house filled with smoked I decided not to.  My dad quit on a $5 bet from a friend, a month later he suffered a major heart attack that put him in the hospital for a month...the doctor said it would have been fatal had he not quit smoking when he did, he was 45.  My mom quit, but she only did it socially and not as often, so it was easy for her to give it up.  Donna never did quit, neither did Peggy, excepting the 1 1/2 months they would not allow her to.  Polly struggled to quit off and on over the years and finally made it.  She's been free of it for several years now.  Myself, my little sister and brother weren't smokers, interestingly enough they grew up in a smoke-free household, maybe that made the difference, I had watched my parents' quitting, perhaps that impacted me as well.  I knew I didn't want to lose my dad.  Some scary stuff.

I've heard it's harder to quit than with Heroin.  That says a lot!  I was a teenager when the drug era hit.  90% of my class had tried marijuana, my state is legal for it now.  But when I was in high school drugs hit and they hit hard.  People came over from the U of O and turned kids onto drugs, LSD, Hash, etc., recruited them for sales.  My best friend prostituted herself with a guy she couldn't stand, for drugs.  I saw what it did to her and her family and ran the other way.  I figured anything that could do that to you was NOT GOOD!  I've seen people on drugs over the years and it is never good.  George struggled with Meth, got turned onto it by a supervisor who cared not for him, only in getting him to work faster, faster, faster!  Same supervisor didn't come to his funeral.  No, it was me picking up the pieces.  Never a good idea, drugs. I could quote you the statistics of it's harm, meth.  I'm just thankful I never made that my drug of choice.  Mine is food.  I've struggled with that over the years, I was doing really well with it until George died.  Then I guess I didn't care.  Now I eat healthy but the damage is done.  Churches who would never push alcohol, cigarettes, drugs on people, push food, and not healthy food at that.  We celebrate with food. We eat it three times a day, more when you count snacks.  We think we have to have food on every occasion, we shove it in people's faces.  That is my struggle.  And no easy feat to get it under control either.

I feel for you, Gwen.  I don't have close friends, although I've been working on it ever since my best friend moved away a few years ago.  No family close by either except one sister who never ever visits me and can't be there for me if she wanted to.  I've never had family be there for me except my kids when they were younger, now they're gone.  Good and gone.  At least I can drive to my son's although it's 2 1/2 hours away, hard to get someone to care for the dog, and I can't drive at night.  Winter is hard.  I have no one to spend Christmas with, and no guarantee I can drive somewhere where I live being as it's that time of year.  I wish someone had put Christmas in the summer!

Ahh well, I digress.  I feel for you trying to quit, I can't imagine, but my heart goes out to you.  No words of wisdom here, only a show of support.

[Margm]

Gwen, my sister lost her car so we take her where she needs to go.  Cigarettes cost so much money but she has to budget that money out of nothing.  I can hear the anxiety in her voice when she says "Moggie, I am down to one pack."  She needs to go and get her sack of them because they are cheaper in loose packs than in cartons.  I feel so sorry for her, but we did not know she had started back drinking in 2003.  I did not know it until she lost her car.  I take her to one AA meeting a week and maybe it is a blessing her car is gone because she cannot go buy the liquor.  So she doesn't, and only stayed in rehab a short time.  The first trip around she went to AA every day.  She got her 5 month chip Monday night.  I think that is what you call it.  Was i disappointed she had taken up drinking after being sober about 12 years?  No, I wasn't.  I left home at 18, to get away from my mom.  If I had been down here in this state taking care of her, I would have died the first week.  But, to save my life I would have put her in a nursing home. My sister could not. My mom was a warrior woman and had a tongue with knives on both sides.  After she broke her hip she reached up (I was helping her) and knocked the heck out of me.  I've never been ashamed of this, but I slapped her right back.  She never did it again.  I know she tried to physically abuse my sister,  mentally, verbally, and probably with her fists if necessary.  Was I disappointed in my sister starting drinking again?  Not at all.  I hated for her to go  through rehab again and don't mind taking her anywhere.  At least she cannot go buy alcohol.  So it makes it necessary to quit.  She has a job waiting for her when she can get a car.  I feel your pain, feel it close to home.  My heart is with you.  Not sure my sister needs a car right now.  A few more months.  But, like your volunteering, we all need something and she needs to be back teaching the college students.  

[martha jane]

Gwen, If you call the church they are bound to know who you are talking about since she lost her husband just a year ago. She is probably disappointed that she can't find you either. Have you returned to the park? I hope you find her. It is so hard to find someone who you can really talk to especially in person. I can't talk to my children or relatives or really anyone. It is hard to put into words how you feel . Sometimes you don't even know yourself.  I hardly ever feel happy or even excited about anything. I was thinking last night, every day for over 57 years I knew where my husband was. Even when he was working out of town I talked to him everyday. Now I look at a picture of us the day we got married and I don't know those two people. Where did we go? Where did I go?  I read you posts, I don't often respond but it breaks my heart that there are no words I can say to help you feel better, to calm your mind, to bring a little sunshine in your days.  Please know that I think about you and care so much that your life will get better and you will somehow find a purpose to understand why you are still here and your husband is gone. I can't seem to find a purpose, something that I can do to help me feel useful. I used to do a lot of volunteer work, especially at nursing homes and with hospice. I can no longer do that, it brings back too many memories of what my husband went through before he died. I have read that there is a time to live and a time to die. Our time won't come until we have completed our purpose for being born. I seem to have stepped out of my path and can't find my way back. I wish I could just sit with you and let you pour out your heart.  I would love to do that but I can't seem to find anyone who I feel comfortable with to do that . I never dreamed that when we started our life together it would end the way it did. I have hope that I will see him again some day. And I wish I knew where he is now.

 

[olemisfit]

Gwen, you aren't in the boat alone. I'm in the process of quitting right now myself. I moved up here to northeastern Okla. after hurricane harvey, and Okla. uses part of the cigarette tax money (all states may do it) to provide free nicotine gum and/or patches (FREE!). All I had to do was ask for them. I opted for both.

The last time I quit I stayed off the cigs for about 7 years. But by the evening of the day Cookie died I wasn't dealing well at all and started smoking again. Here where I live now there is a strong Native American influence. They have a smoke shop here where a carton of cigs is only $23, but even that is hard for my income to comfortably afford. I started my 2nd month as a "quitter" on Oct. 6th. This is one time that I like being called a quitter!

Good luck at it Gwen. We're all rooting for you.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[kayc]

OR used to use the tax for a smoking cessation hotline, that is until George needed/wanted it, then it was gone.  I think they use the tax $ for whatever purposes they want but we have to pay for patches here. My sister Polly offered to buy Peggy patches for life but Peggy prefers to smoke, we've had to accept it, even if it means her falling on down the road.  $23 Darrel?  Wow!  It's double that here!

Good luck on quitting, Darrel, and you too, Gwen.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

I used acupuncture to quit smoking.  It's been over 25 years and the cravings are still with me.  At least it isn't as often now but yes, the stressful times I want to give in.  The withdrawal wasn't too bad, all things considered.  I had tried quitting before and the withdrawal is what drew me back.  I quit so I would have the money to buy a golden retriever puppy.  Never did get that puppy.

I wish you the best Gwen.  I know from experience the panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I have meds that help when things aren't too crazy but in grief there is alot of crazy. 🙏

[Margm]

5 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I have meds that help when things aren't too crazy but in grief there is alot of crazy. 🙏

They say you see your loved one everywhere after they pass (don't know who "they" happen to be).  I have not done this.  This morning a man walked into the school and I absolutely could not breathe.  He nodded his head to me hello.  I was totally stunned.  Next week it will be three years.  This guy had more weight on him than Billy but  he had his slump,, his height, his pigeon toed walk and I think my heart or brain just stood still.  He passed back by me on his way out and he had Billy's beard, color hair, but not Billy's long face.  I have not had this happen before.  He was younger than Billy probably by a few years.  It was very strange.  No crying, just shock.  

[Gwenivere]

Never had that happen, Marg.  Would truly shock me if it did!

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I wish you the best Gwen.  I know from experience the panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I have meds that help when things aren't too crazy but in grief there is alot of crazy. 🙏

Do you regret not getting the puppy?  That w as a terrific motivation.

 Fortunately I have meds for the panicand anxiety.   They’re not as effective right now as things are so intense.  The smoking thing really has me messed up too.  I’m not me at all.  She was a mess too, but nothing like this.  Have to skip volunteering today to see the lung doc.  I’m so sick of seeing docs.  Just want. Some contentment and that’s not in the cards.   Want to crawl into bed for a couple of weeks.  Dogs say no to that idea.  You are right, it’s a lot of crazy!  

Good luck on your quit smoking. Darrel.  Mine is a bitch as I did have time to prepare.  I know an online support group and you can message me if you want the info.  A lot like this place.  I did have to tone down some enthusiasts that didn’t get I had to do t his my way, but all in all it helps.

[Margm]

20 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Never had that happen, Marg.  Would truly shock me if it did!

Well Gwen, this is too much information, but my daughter lives closer to the school than I do and I had to go use her bathroom.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Gwen, I wanted the puppy desperately.  I quit smoking when the female was bred.  I had it figured that at $5. per day I could save enough to buy the puppy and the cost of travelling to Oregon to pick her up.  After about 4 weeks of saving money my husband went on strike.  So, I had to choose to use my savings and any future savings to continue to putting food on the table and paying bills.  It was the right thing to do.

I held off contacting the breeder as my crystal ball wasn't working and I hoped that the strike would be over quickly.  The strike lasted about 6 months.  Sadly, I didn't need the money because the female got an infection and the puppies had to be removed prior to being viable.  I hoped that she would be okay and perhaps I could get a puppy from a future litter.  That was not meant to be.  The female was spayed in hopes of saving her but she ended up having to be euthanized.  I felt so sad for the breeder.  She was a gorgeous dog with a great personality and other attributes.  I felt disappointed but realized it was not meant to be.  That was in '92.  In '96 we were given an adult golden female.  Her name was Jenny.  She was very lovely but she and I never really bonded as I had hoped.  I figure it was because she had been passed around too many times. 

Our other dog was a golden as well and the two of them were great together.  Casey was about 10 when we got Jenny and he had been neutered.  As he aged he had a stroke and was put down 😢 he was so special to me but he was in panic mode all the time.  He was deaf, blind, and became fearful. At that time we decided to try to breed Jenny.  We thought that dogs should have partners too. 

Eventually, we had her bred and she gave us weeks of fun with 9 puppies!  We kept a female who we named Milly (Milligan actually).  She was wonderful!!  Mother and daughter were quite a pair.  So I did eventually get my girl golden puppy.  We had many great years with the girls.  I miss all of my pets that have crossed the rainbow bridge but I have lots of pictures and fond memories.

I really do hope your health improves and that you are able to reconnect with the lady you mentioned.  Having a friend will help you to refocus your thoughts.  It  would be good for both you and her 🙏

 

 

 

[Dawn G]

I'm so, so sorry, Gwenivere.  You are going through a really rough time.  And trying to quit smoking at the same time makes it really tough!  You have a lot on your plate.
Please don't despair.  Hold on for the sake of everyone who loves you and needs you---even your pets.  
What if you didn't do any of the things you used to do with your husband?  What if you did something completely different?  And met new friends?  Or went out for coffee or lunch regularly (maybe once a month or so?) with a trusted friend?  Have you ever thought of selling your house so you have a completely different atmosphere?
After my husband died, I and my children stayed in the house for another 7 years; then finances forced me to sell it and buy something smaller.  I was surprised at how good it felt to have new space where there were no memories to jar the pain.  Somehow, that filtered them out so most of my memories are good ones, of health and joy.
I will pray for your victory over the cigarette addiction and for your lungs too!