Big mistake

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dawn.  I don’t have any close family or friends locally.  We never had children.  I  could never leave this house we put together over 30 years.  Knowing strangers were in 'our' home.  I’ve addressed these suggestions in other posts over the years and had 4 years to think about it.  We both knew this would be our home til the end.  

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

No crying, just shock.  

No Marg M:  Never happened to me and don't think I would be in control of my tears as you were if it did happen.   I'm not out very often except for grocery shopping and doctor appointments and am usually concentrating on how quickly I can get back home.  Thanks for sharing this, made me smile.  Dee 

[kayc]

I had a golden retriever from a puppy, I think that was in 78.  We had him for ten years, had to put him down one day shy of his 10th birthday, he had cancer and it had gotten to his brain.  We'd hoped he'd make it through the winter and could have one more summer, but alas he bit a neighbor he dearly loved, he just wasn't himself because it affected his brain.  We couldn't chance that happening again, the neighbor felt bad, didn't want us to do it but we had to, it was the right thing.  He was such a gentle soul, and goldens are, he was great with our kids.  120 lbs in his prime.  The dog I have now is half Husky and half Golden.  He has all of the Golden cysts, I'm afraid it may be his undoing, but he got the Husky personality.  Teddy was an adorable puppy, that's why we named him Teddy Bear.  So cute!  Maybe someday you'll get your puppy, Marita!

Gwen, hang in there!  I didn't know you were volunteering again, that's great!  I hope your doctor visit goes well, I'm sure you must be tired of that.

Marg, I've encountered someone who looked like George from behind, but then he turned around, and no.  He has a brother that looks like him only overweight and an alcoholic, but got George's physical features, I only saw him once, at his funeral, Bill...it kind of hit me for a moment.

[Margm]

Kay, my son visits often.  He is trying to find a place to move here.  Every time he leaves I feel like a piece of Billy has gone again.  Mannerisms are the same.  He has my round face and my tendency to gain weight.  He is Billy's son otherwise.  I'm anxious for him to move.  I know he still carries love for his 11 year relationship, she did him wrong though (she tried to), his best friend held off telling him or showing him the texts she had sent him until they broke up.  She reminds me of the Tasmanian Devil though and he will die just having to put up with her schizophrenic attitude.  No words between them for months, hoping to get him down here fast.  I know he wants to leave AR, but he hates filling out papers (so do I). 

[Cookie]

On 10/7/2018 at 6:11 PM, Gwenivere said:

I’ve had so much pain from sleeping in our bed I decided to try the spare bed I used when Steve had bad nights.  I slept better than I had in a long time but woke to a panic attack being in that room instantaneously.  I was flooded with all that had been happening back then.  I hadn’t slept in there for over 4 years.  I got up and saw into our empty bedroom and about crumpled to the floor in despair.   I also couldn’t sleep with my eldest dog and she wandered around looking for me.  I’m an emotional mess today with the nicotine withdrawal thrown in.  It didn’t help the walking plain much if at all.  I’m quickly getting close to calling a crisis line as I am just frigging losing it.  I feel I have no need for this life anymore.  I’m tired of being told I’m strong.  I’m tired of the panic disorder ruling my life again.  I’m tired of being tired and alone.  Never laughing.  Never enjoying anything.  I tried to change things by getting a take and bake pizza last night.   Missed stealing the sausage from his.  I can have it all now.  TV jabbering in the background as always.  Errands this afternoon I don’t care about but needed.  Home to to oxygen leash.  Shower when I don’t care.  Has to vent this crap.  I know I safely can here.  

Yes you can Gwen, my heart goes out to you.  I do get it.  I'm still sleeping in the bed John died in and keep wondering why I don't get a new one....(?).  Money and ennui.  I still wake up early all mornings and have panic and sorrow.  Have to get out and about quickly before I go down the rabbit hole.  Another reason to get a new dog.  This deep sorrow is tough.  I went to see "A Star is born" with two women friends and ended up  having to leave the show and had an emotional breakdown in the theater--sobbing and everything.  It just ripped open the heart wound that I (and I know everyone here) try to keep closed.  No preparation...one minute I was in control, the next I wasn't.  The ladies I was with were sympathetic but horrified.  They don't understand what this is.  I wish I could come over for a visit.  I feel for you and wish you had some widow friends who understand to spend time with....of course, I don't either, but am always looking for that.  You can only tolerate so much pain before it bludgeons you off and on.  Thinking about you....Cookie

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

I went to see "A Star is born" with two women friends and ended up  having to leave the show and had an emotional breakdown in the theater--sobbing and everything.  It just ripped open the heart wound that I (and I know everyone here) try to keep closed.  No preparation...one minute I was in control, the next I wasn't.  The ladies I was with were sympathetic but horrified. 

Cookie, I went to the movie prepared.  I, of course, knew how it ended (this is at least the 3rd remake of the original).  Did not stop my crying.  I just kept paper towels from one eye  to the other.  My granddaughter was using her sleeves.  I would see one arm go up and then the other constantly.  I will not watch a movie if I know ahead of time that it is sad.  Spoilers here, the leading man takes his life in all the movies to keep from ruining the reputation of his wife's new singing career, to keep from bringing her down.  James Mason walks out into the Pacific Ocean to save his wife's career (Judy Garland).  I think Kris has a car "accident" to save Barbra Streisand's career.  Norman Main was one character, this must have been his relative Jackson Main.  I would not have gone except it was Lukas Nelson (Willie's son, of course) and his band Promise of the Real's big break.  He and Lady Gaga collaborated on the music and I knew his band backed Jackson Main up on stage.  I was hoping to see him, and I did.  I  think I was totally fortified before I went in, so nothing was a surprise, but was still worthy a long cry.  

Gwen and Cookie, I sure do not have any answers to this empty hollow feeling we all have.  My granddaughter lives with me, my son is  moving back at the beginning  of November.  He is so depressed and alone and does not understand why his relationship broke up.  I am not kidding, and this would hurt his feelings, but he knew this girl had the personality of a bitter weed, and that old saying about having to hang a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to  play with her is my best description of her.  Her own folks hate her coming around and she really has been fired from every job she has ever had.  He broke up with her, and it hurts him and he cannot understand why she has no feelings at all.  Enough of that.  I guess these things have kept my mind busy although sometimes I think my body is throwing the hat in the ring.  My body cannot be fixed and I just do not want to be a burden to them at all.  That is my biggest concern.  

This "small" illness scared me so much and my desire to sleep all the time scares me.  I am like the tinman in the Wizard of Oz, and I know I need exercise to keep moving, but even with my family around, it seems my will to live has to be fought for and I think we all feel that way.  (I want to see my granddaughter and kids have good relationships).  I admire the ones on the forum who are open to another relationship, but at my age, I just cannot muster that kind of thinking.  Do not want to even try.  And, that is the gist of it all "do not want to even try."  Covers everything pertaining to life.  But, if that is true then why do I even consider the pneumonia shots?  Life and living is a conundrum.  

Sorry, just felt like a "word salad" kind of day.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I often wonder too why I bother doing some things for my body or health.  I’m pretty sure it’s my body’s survival instinct because it sure isn’t coming from my heart or mind.  Just last night I wrote a note before going to sleep about making peace with everyone I ever cared about.  Closing all the loopholes.  That tells me a lot.  I was just sitting outside and one of those moments hit of how my life is nothing resembling what it was.  That I am alone in the world and if I wanted to talk to someone, there is no one.  How there is nothing to do today that matters.  How I dread the rest of the day as it is one I have no plans if any sort so I am adrift.  my connection to people I care about is all on the phone now.  Occasionally a neighbor stops by with his dogs to chat.   That’s when I realize I am dying of interactive thirst.  I feel a desperation I have never felt before.  To add to this the quitting smoking is almost unbearable. It’s created an unwanted obsession of will.  The support group isn’t as good as here.  You don’t get much support on what you have done, more about what you Havent to be free of nicotine which is not my goal.  Just the cigs, and lord knows right now it’s another huge loss of one of the very few things I did I enjoyed.  I don’t care if I ingest nicotine til I die, it won’t kill me.  I’ve thought about giving up the cig quit but know I will be back to the body struggle if I feel suffocated.  It’s a no win situation.  I’m having to give up even more and for what?  Existing landmarks in my world have either vanished or are reminders.    

Cookie, I have changed our bed 3 times and it hasn’t changed the fact he is gone.  I did it for my back, but it still and always will be empty on one side.  An irony I never miss when changing the sheets. I truly hope getting a dog helps.  I have mine and they create things I must do, but they will never fill that interactive human need.

Some people adapt to being alone. I am not one of them.  I keep wondering how it got to this.  From feeling that life was balanced and fulfilling to an empty void I can’t fill anymore.  Volunteering fills  a few hours a week.  No more dog park that was so social.  A home that is so quiet and never changes.  Everything is always as it was unless I move it.  It’s clean but there’s so little to do to keep it that way.  Garbage and recycle are every other time.  No smells of cooking anymore.  No buying fresh food to prepare.  Sitting alone day after day to eat and wishing I didn’t have to.  Watching people walk by talking, my neighbors and thier projects.  It’s like being locked in a tower and no one knows you’re there anymore.  

Thanks for the spoiler on A Star is Born.  Gonna skip that.  Never saw the others and the end is not something I need to see.  In a sense, I’m living it.  I run into enough death in movies by accident.  Or maybe I just never noticed before because I could always reach over and touch Steve.  

If im going to babble this long, the other thing that gets to me is talking.  I’ve tried talking to myself or the dogs and it’s just plain weird.  I want to hear something back.  I’ll even forget what I’m talking to myself about.  Trail off mid sentence.  Feels odd with no ears to hear and reply when I thin if something.  Telling myself it is no great shakes, I thought of it!  I want to share it with someone.  They’re not things that would interest my email or phone buddies often.  Just day to day thoughts.

I'm done.   Who gets the word salad award today, Marg?  🤪

[Margm]

My kids and Brianna get so angry at me about "spoilers" so I don't give them to them.  Sorry if I ruined anyone's plans.  If you know anything about these movies though, they all end the same.  I liked your word salad the best Gwen because........................when you cannot find anyone else to talk to, here we are.  Love you my friend and hope things get easier.  I wish you could find country roads up around Seattle, but guess you'd have to go to Wyoming or Montana to do that.  You too Gin, in Chicago.  I once bought a set of DVD's from Sam's visiting all the countries I wanted to go to.  Netflix has a lot of documentaries that take you places too.  I don't travel much without Billy..  Sometimes a trip will make me feel lots better (50 mile radius) and sometimes I will cry like a baby.  Never can tell.  

Oh, and my sister's therapist is having her quit smoking so I only go around when I have to.  Hey, I've traveled that road too many times with Billy.

[Gwenivere]

Country roads made the sing by John Denver pop into my head.  We have them, just takes getting thru Seattle, one of 2 floating toll bridges and another city on the other side.  Then a good 40 interstate miles to places you hope aren’t too well known to others.  But they usually are.   Lots of skiing here so you never escape traffic getting to what passes for solitude.  About 30 years ago we went to a place pretty vacant that had a river our dog could swim in.  Traffic wasn’t as bad either.  Plus we were younger so adventures were fun.  What makes me mad is all our national parks now charge to go to and every place falls into one if their jurisdictions.  Pay to go to the mountains?  It’s crazy!   Too many years living in a place that knew the population was going to expand and didn’t prepare for it.  As we have no state income tax, they get it by dinging ya on things from paper bags at the grocery if you don’t have your own to inflating your property worth to charge higher rates.  Don’t even want to start on how bicyclists are treated like royalty which has shrunk many streets for special lanes creating massive backups.  On streets without the lanes, the cyclists act like they are cars often and hold up traffic not staying to the side.  Share the Road is the big slogan.  Heh!  Drat....babbling again.  Where are those nicotine lozenges?  🚬  surpringly there is a cigarette emoji.

[Margm]

When I get out of my driveway for the apartments I enter highway 159.  That takes me anywhere that I want to visit, which is nowhere, which is where all the roads go.  One takes us to Haynesville (named after a GGGgrandfather) who had people move around him and moved his family six months later.  Still named for him.  Small, small town but I got lost in it trying to go to El Dorado, AR.  Straight up the road from me is a little rock church called Old Shongaloo Methodist Church, which is where all my dad's kinfolks are buried and our plot is right behind Mama and Daddy's.  Just a little country road.  (paved.)  I used to go to graveyard "workings" when I was a little kid with my grandma and aunts.  Dinner on the boards nailed to the trees. Then we would go to Western Cemetery where the rest of the kinfolks were buried.  Now someone is hired to do all the cleanings and I guess for a cemetery they are pretty.  Billy is just gonna have to be satisfied being around my folks.  His fault  

My kids both sleep days.  Kelli was going to Walgreen's for Tylenol for high temperature.  She stopped Bob (her little yellow car named after Bob the Minyon).  She was taking a picture of the Methodist Church steeple on main street.  It was lit up and she thought God had decided to make beautiful lights turning the bushes purple.  It was the police.  We sent the picture to them and they put it on their site and the pastor made a copy too.  Our little town (about 11,000) people has red brick streets for the two main streets.  Old.  Look up Minden, Louisiana on Wikipedia, and yes, that was kinfolks. And, I think that was why Mama told me not to do genealogy.  I told Brianna my first "crush" was on my 4th cousin and she was horrified.  Incest.  I was 14 and he ran every time I came around.  I wasn't gonna bother him but my uncles teased him miserably.  

You put me to shame.  One of my best friends is in the nursing home only about 30 miles away in my old hometown. The last time I went to see her she was covered up in bed, looking at a blank wall.  She likes fig Newtons.  I have to make time to go.  My sister does not have a car and Bri won't learn to drive.  (This is mine and Billy's first married and for years home), and he was from three miles down the road in a little town that still had toilets in downtown 50 years ago.  

I go to Shreveport/Bossier once a week to take Bri to counselor.  I can do it.  We ride all up and down the busiest streets, but I sure like being a country gal.  And Bri wants to live in NYC. 

[kayc]

On 10/21/2018 at 9:41 AM, Cookie said:

I went to see "A Star is born" with two women friends and ended up  having to leave the show and had an emotional breakdown in the theater--sobbing and everything.  It just ripped open the heart wound that I (and I know everyone here) try to keep closed.  No preparation...one minute I was in control, the next I wasn't.  The ladies I was with were sympathetic but horrified.  They don't understand what this is. 

I am fortunate that I know a lot of widows...we share that common bond and I know I am not alone in what I feel and go through.  It was not so when I lost George, I was 52 and left alone to deal with everything I was going through.  My grief counselor who was NOT and there were no grief support groups here, nearest town way too far away to travel to, friends all disappeared.  Is it any wonder I got taken in by a con who preyed on me?  Not really.  I wasn't clear enough in the head to see a heads up on that one.  Everything I've learned was by scratching and clawing my way through it, but I learned my lessons well.  It seems the most important thing we can have if we must go through this loss is support, without which it's pretty hard.  Some people have that in their kids, but others either do not have kids or they're not close by or an emotional support.

Gwen, the one good spot in your life has been your volunteer work, that anyone can sully that for you makes me want to give them a lashing!

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know, Kay.  She seems to like being miserable.  😡. It’s the spreading it around power that annoys me.  Getting ready to go there now.  Wish I felt more enthusiastic.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She seems to like being miserable.

I think you've hit the nail on the head.  Her twin heads up our senior site now.   They fired Chris, the one who did a great job and hired Attila the Hun last year.