2nd Year

[Lost in Texas]

It's been one year and two months since my mom and sister were killed in a car accident on their way home from visiting me and my family.  My sister was my only sibling and the three of us were so close.  I've been told numerous times since the accident that our bond between mother and daughters was rare.  My life will never be the same.  I've struggled through the first year and there were several days that it was all I could do to get out of bed.  The only thing that kept me going was knowing I had to be there for my husband and children.  Everyone kept saying "you just have to get through the first year" and that things would begin to get "better".  However, for me, it has gotten worse these last two months.  I feel like I've had a major setback.  Is this normal?  I honestly don't know what to do!

[KarenK]

Lost,

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and sister. People tend to make statements about things which they have never experienced, perhaps out of kindness or ignorance. There really is no "normal" for grieving. We all grieve in our own time, in our own way.

I lost my husband 5+ years ago and my daughter a year later, both to cancer. It has taken me a very long time to adapt to the idea that they are gone forever. For me, I will never "accept" it, just adapt to it. Somehow, you just move forward a little bit at a time. And yes, there will still be days where you fall back three steps.

I'm glad that you found our group, but sorry for the reason. We understand at least some of what you are feeling.

[MartyT]

Oh my dear one, please know that everything you are feeling is NORMAL. Your mother and your sister have been in your life for all (or most) of your life, and to think that your grief at their sudden, unexpected and traumatic deaths would be less just because you turned a page on a calendar is unrealistic and unfair. As a matter of fact, many mourners find to their dismay that the second year is even harder than the first. Why? Partly because of the myth that "you just have to get through the first year" and the disappointment in discovering that this is not true at all, and partly because it is after going through the first four seasons of your grief, all the shock and numbness that you felt in the beginning is now completely gone. Nothing is there to cushion the blow ~ and you are faced with the full-force reality of how very much you have lost.

Please know that even though it may feel as if you've lost ground and are right back where you began, your reactions are completely normal and it's okay to feel exactly as you are feeling now. (See Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way.) Pay attention to your grief! Acknowledge the magnitude of these two significant losses and their profound impact on you, now and for the rest of your life. Be patient with yourself, and allow your sorrow to wash over you. It is when we work so hard to ignore or suppress our thoughts and feelings that we get into trouble. You say you don't know what to do, but coming here is a very good step, because you're now among others who "get it" and know from our own experiences that what you're feeling is normal. This in itself will help you to feel less crazy and alone. Visit our Grief Healing Blog and do some reading about what is normal (and thus to be expected) in grief, and spend some time reading through some of the threads you'll find here in these forums, as you get to know our members. Try some of the things you can do to help yourself cope ~ especially those you'll find in our Tools for Healing forum. And know that we welcome you with warm hearts and open arms. ♥️

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your losses, to lose one at a time is hard enough but to be hit with losing both at once, that is very very hard.  Yes, what you are feeling is normal.  Thank you, Marty, for sharing those articles.  After I lost my husband, getting through those "firsts without" was very hard, I honestly thought the second year would be better, but it was merely a continuation of what I'd been going through.