How do I go on without my little brother?

[UrbanLegend711]

Hello I'm Kim. I'm 35 and I'm a neuroscientist.  My brother, Richard, was 27 and a 3rd year law student. He struggled with health issues his whole life and was in treatment for Neuroendocrine carcinoid syndrome for 7 years. It was a brutal road with many close calls... heart attacks, seizures, kidney and liver failure... he always bounced back. For the last year he had issues with blood sugar. The numbers would go from 30s to 500s....and he always got through it. I really thought he always would.  On September 27 I got a call from friends of his that he hadn't gone to class and noone could get ahold of him. My parents and I live in PA and he was in Memphis. I had to send the police to open his apartment and he was gone. He had passed away in his sleep.

 

I can't wrap my head around this. He and I were so different but very close. He was vibrant and upbeat and unfailingly optimistic and so so alive. I can't accept that I'll never see him again or hug him or ruffle his greasy hair...  

 

I feel so overwhelmed and crushed and like I can't go on. I feel like who I was before this happened is dead with him. I can't stop the waves of total grief and loss and I don't know what to do. I feel crazy and panicked and broken and wish I could take his place so so much. I would do anything to have just one more talk. 

[MartyT]

I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved brother Richard, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain, Kim. There is nothing you can do to stop the waves of grief and loss except to ride them, my dear. Unfortunately, feeling crazy and panicked and broken is exactly what I would expect you to be feeling right now, including the fact that who you were before this happened has died with your brother. You will never be the same as you were before this death upended your world, my dear ~ and even though the person you were before is gone and you may not recognize who you are now, that doesn't mean that you will not find ways to survive this catastrophic loss. You will find your own way through this jungle of despair, one day at a time ~ and we will do all we can to guide and support you. For now, please know that we welcome you here with open arms and caring hearts. ♥️

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  That he had to go through so much in his short life seems beyond unfair.  There's no shortcut through this grief, I'm afraid, if there was I would have found it by now.  I lost my sister in March, and I feel some things you never get over, only learn to live with.  

It does help to express yourself, to not bottle it up, so I'm glad you found this site, it helps to give voice to your pain, to your missing him.  My heart goes out to you in your sorrow.