Completely lost....

[SenseiWife]

I lost my sweet husband of 29 years on October 7th.  We were vacationing on the beach for a long weekend and he went into the sea with our young son to play in the waves.  They got caught in a riptide and undercurrent who took them out to sea.  I jumped in and I was able to save my son, but my husband drowned.  We pulled his body from the ocean and we tried CPR, but it was too late.  He was in cardiac arrest and not breathing.  He was pronounced dead at the hospital.  

I cannot believe that this happened and I'm in complete shock.  I feel like I have lost complete control of my life.  I cannot eat, sleep and I walk around in a daze.  I'm trying my best to help my son.  Sometimes, I don't think that I will be able to make it through this, but I have no choice.  I have to live for my child and I know my husband would want me to.  This pain, fear and grief are so great and they take my breath away.  Everything is overwhelming.  

[MartyT]

Oh my dear one, I am so very sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected and tragic death of your precious husband ~ and under such horrific circumstances! Yes, you have to live for your child and you know that your husband would want you to do so, but right now you are experiencing what may be the most challenging time in your life, and it's okay to reach out for the support you need and deserve. I urge you to find a qualified grief counselor ~ preferably one who is informed about working with traumatic loss ~ who can help you sort through this life-changing event. If you don't know where to look, contact your local hospice, funeral home, hospital or pastor ~ those folks in your community who know what bereavement support resources are available in your community. Keep coming here, where you will be surrounded by others whose losses may be similar to your own. And know that armed with the sort of reliable information, comfort and support, you will find here,  you will survive and you will find your way through this. We are with you, we care, and we share in your deep sorrow. You are not alone. ♥️

[CairnLady]

My heart breaks for you. Hang on, a second at a time. Everything you are feeling is normal, even though you think you’re going crazy. As MartyT said, get to a qualified grief counselor as soon as you can. I pray for you and your  son. I’m hoping that you have family and friends around you to support you and your son during this terrible time. Keep coming back here.

Bless you and your son. 

[shebert56]

I am so so sorry for your loss and your pain.  I am two months post unexpected loss, and I recall vividly all of the feelings you are having.  Come here to this place when you need to talk, as we all sincerely care.  Be sure to make time to take care of you.  Eat, even if a morsel, whenever you can.   Stop and take a deep breath.  We love you and are here for you. 

~Shirley

[kayc]

@SenseiWife

I am so sorry...October 7, that is my birthday.  Just a couple of weeks ago.  I remember the day my husband died, so clearly, it's been 13 years now.  It's hard to believe I've survived it...except we all know that word can be a misnomer.  We are not the same afterwards, nothing is.

I wrote this article sharing what has helped me, and I want to share it with you.  At this point you probably can't take anything in, you're likely still in shock, so I hope you'll print it out and read it every few months as different things will resonate with you at different points on your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[SenseiWife]

I appreciate the kind words and thoughts.  I feel so alone and empty.  I know that I need to be strong for my son and that life will go on.  It has to, but I struggle every day.  I do not have any family around, just a few good friends who have been helping me a lot.  But I don't want to burden people too much because this is such a horrific situation and I notice that people feel overwhelmed and they don't know what to say or do.  Nobody can really help me through this.  We had so many plans, ideas and we had such a wonderful life together.  So much adventure and such great love.  I met him when I was 17 and I have always loved him so much even during the times that weren't easy.  I felt comforted by him and I could be totally myself.  My son reminds me of him so much and I'm hurting for him that he has to grow up without his father.  Life is cruel and hard.  Nobody ever thinks that anything like this can happen.  We read it in the newspaper and see it on television, but it is distant and we can turn it off when we feel like it.  I cannot turn this off.  Everything changed in just one moment.  Our cozy home no longer feels the same.  It feels cold and foreign.  The streets in our town seem unfamiliar.  I'm no longer interested in any of the things that gave me pleasure.  I'm cold all the time and I long for his touch, his body and his smell.  He will never hold me in his arms again.  I will never feel him again.  I miss everything about him.  I feel like my life is just a shell.  Will I ever smile again or feel happiness?  I also feel anger.  Why did this happen?  Why weren't there lifeguards, signs alerting people of dangerous riptides?  And I have questions...  Was he careless?  Did he not pay attention?  It is so overwhelming.  My thoughts go back to this day at the beach.  I remember struggling to save my son and myself.  I remember the waves crashing over us, pulling us down.  The deep water and the fear of drowning.  I remember being on the beach, looking for him.  Seeing the good samaritans pulling him out from the sea.  He wasn't breathing and there was no longer a pulse.  How could this have happened?  We were so happy.

[MartyT]

Your story reminds me so much of Megan Devine's, my dear. She lost her beloved to a drowning also, and the two of you have so much in common. I encourage you to pay a visit to her website, Refuge in Grief ~ and to take a look at her insightful book, It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand   ♥️

Find her on Facebook here:  https://www.facebook.com/refugeingrief 

[Gwenivere]

Mine was not a sudden loss, so I can only leave that to the ones here who have experienced it.  I will say all you are feeling is normal, and you will grow to hate that word.  The longing to be touched, the loss of plans, you and your sons lives forever changed, your home feeling cold and empty.  Your sons grief will be different.  I hope you keep coming here as there are so many people that can listen and empathize %100.  Our friends can only imagine and they are not even close to what it really feels like.  Not their fault, but in talking with others who do know there is some relief.  Meltdowns are allowed too.  Any feelings including anger.  Plus we are open 24/7.  I hesitate to use the word welcome as none of us want to be here.  💔

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hesitate to use the word welcome as none of us want to be here.  💔

Gwen:  So well said.  "None of us want to be here", but since we are, we want to help.  Thank you for your words.  Dee

[kayc]

Mine was sudden, heart attack, just turned 51.  We didn't meet until our mid forties, why did it take a lifetime to find each other, only to be ripped apart?  We were supposed to grow old together!

All of the feelings you shared, I can relate to.  I've felt them, feel them still to some extent, even after 13 years, but I've adjusted as much as I think one can, built a life I can live, have purpose, it took me years!  Still I miss him, each and every day, he's always in my thoughts.  Yes we smile again, we have to give ourselves permission to.  

As Gwen said, keep coming here, post your feelings, it helps to give voice to what's inside, know you are heard and understood, it's validating.

And I hope you will visit Megan Devine's website, she has a remarkable way of putting into words what the rest of us have felt and experienced.

[Margm]

You have come to a good place.  I found it three days after Billy left.  I knew I had to have people that understood.  I had understanding friends and family, but the people here on this forum understand grief.  Keep talking.  Sometimes it helps not to be seen but just  pour your heart out.  We are here. 💗