It's time for the holiday season to begin (Bah Humbug!)

[olemisfit]

Oh Boy Howdy. The holidays are almost upon us.  What a bummer!!! It was always our favorite time of year. Cookie loved to cook, and would she ever put out a feast for Thanksgiving and Christmas both. She always made way to much, but that was always okay. We both loved the leftovers. I was always convinced that she thoroughly believed the old saying about the way to a man's heart was thru his stomach. Did she ever know how to make our tummies happy.  Every year she would make me a homemade (every bit of it) german chocolate cake for my birthday in February. It makes my mouth water now to think about how good they always were. Those suckers were heavy as an anvil because of all the ingredients, but were they ever good. The best ingredient in everything she made was her love that she mixed into it all.  She was a "keeper".  I wish I still had her!

These holidays just don't mean anything anymore-not without Cookie. One Christmas she bought a bunch of small tree ornaments that were like miniature gift boxes. I had bought her a nice ring that year as her main gift, and hid it on the tree inside one of those ornaments. After all the other gifts were opened I told her that there was one more gift somewhere in the living room, but she was gonna have to find it. She never did find it---I finally had to get it off the tree and give it to her. With her, I always did have an ornery, fun-loving streak. The holidays were always fun with Cookie. Just being with her and near her were always enough to keep a happy grin on my face.

So I don't smile or grin much anymore. And I definitely don't enjoy this time of year anymore. My happiness is in heaven now.  But when she and I re-unite when I join her there we will both have something to smile about again. Having that event to look forward to is where I get the grit from to keep on putting one foot in front of the other each day. Cookie is my angel now. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

P.S. I don't want to be guilty of spoiling anyone's holiday spirit, so I won't post anymore until sometime in January. Cookie passed on new year's day (2016) so it won't be until after that. Happy Holidays to my family here!

[Gwenivere]

Can’t spoil my holiday spirit as I has none.  I’m just preparing for the onslaught of joy and happiness from the media.  The countless movies and TVs shows that will be on all my favorite distraction channels.  I have lots I’ve recorded but not enough to cover over 2 months. Losing daylight savings means seeing the decorated houses as we lose sun about 4:15.  No escaping the stores tho.  We so loved the holidays.  I’m not the elfette Steve always called me.  I don’t have anyone to share them with either.  So I get to hear everyone else’s plans and act happy for them.  Looking for perfect gifts, meal plans, etc. Like your Cookie, I used to make Steve quiche from scratch for his birthday this month.  I once used a pre made shell and he was sad so I never did that again.  We didn’t do gifts except one at Christmas, but always cards so I avoid that aisle like the plague.  I can’t imagine not having anything so my cousin suggested draping white lights in the mantle which I will try.  I may get masochistic and put out the2 foot tree, but it did nothing for me last year and this year has been harder.  What a trap grief becomes.  Really ramps up the isolation factor.  Of course now I wish the holidays never were anything special.  I keep waiting for memories not to hurt so bad.  Still waiting.

[olemisfit]

25 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Can’t spoil my holiday spirit as I has none.  I’m just preparing for the onslaught of joy and happiness from the media.  The countless movies and TVs shows that will be on all my favorite distraction channels.  I have lots I’ve recorded but not enough to cover over 2 months. Losing daylight savings means seeing the decorated houses as we lose sun about 4:15.  No escaping the stores tho.  We so loved the holidays.  I’m not the elfette Steve always called me.  I don’t have anyone to share them with either.  So I get to hear everyone else’s plans and act happy for them.  Looking for perfect gifts, meal plans, etc. Like your Cookie, I used to make Steve quiche from scratch for his birthday this month.  I once used a pre made shell and he was sad so I never did that again.  We didn’t do gifts except one at Christmas, but always cards so I avoid that aisle like the plague.  I can’t imagine not having anything so my cousin suggested draping white lights in the mantle which I will try.  I may get masochistic and put out the2 foot tree, but it did nothing for me last year and this year has been harder.  What a trap grief becomes.  Really ramps up the isolation factor.  Of course now I wish the holidays never were anything special.  I keep waiting for memories not to hurt so bad.  Still waiting.

Gwen, it sounds like you & I are pretty much stuck in the same rut. As they used to say in Amway...Ain't it great"!!! I threw every bit of our holiday decorations away after Cookie passed. I just don't want to make myself look at something that I don't feel anymore. I'm not passing judgment on what anyone else does, it's just what seems to work best for me. Basically old Scrooge here has just turned into an old curmudgeon. Bah Humbug!

Here's hoping you're feeling better by now. 

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I had bought her a nice ring that year as her main gift, and hid it on the tree inside one of those ornaments. After all the other gifts were opened I told her that there was one more gift somewhere in the living room, but she was gonna have to find it. She never did find it---I finally had to get it off the tree and give it to her. With her, I always did have an ornery, fun-loving streak.

So I don't smile or grin much anymore. And I definitely don't enjoy this time of year anymore. My happiness is in heaven now.  But when she and I re-unite when I join her there we will both have something to smile about again. Having that event to look forward to is where I get the grit from to keep on putting one foot in front of the other each day. Cookie is my angel now. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

 

Darrel, you sound like such a kind, loving husband.  Your Cookie was blessed to have spent those happy times with you.  The little package hanging on the tree was so special.  Your "Angel" is smiling down on you.  May the next months not be too unbearable for you.  Dee

[kayc]

I'm not ready for this yet, it's marching upon us way too fast but I don't invite Christmas until Thanksgiving has had its just due.  And I don't know that Thanksgiving will be for me this year, all depends on whether I'm invited or the roads are clear for travel, it's that way every year.  I hope dearly to be able to see my daughter for it's been months.

I put up the tree and decorate because it was a very big deal to George.  He loved every holiday, every season, so I invite him to enjoy in it with me.  Sure he can't sit on the couch and cuddle with me like we used to, but maybe, just maybe, he sees the tree and visits me with his presence.  His stocking will be hung, his ornaments placed in their prominent position.

[CairnLady]

Below is a link where you can light a permanent virtual candle for your beloved, with a personal message. Once you have your candle lit, I suggest copying the URL and saving it, so it’s easy for you to locate your candle and go right to it later on. I lit one for my husband a while back.

https://condolencemessages.net/light-a-candle

[CairnLady]

Oh, I forgot to mention that’s it’s free to light a candle.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for the link.  I have lit a candle at home for him every night, it’s a tradition for those closest to us we had lost. I never thought he would be one.

[TomPB]

We've had halloween, which Susan loved. I have pictures of her sitting on our stoup with a big bowl of candy and a bigger smile. I did two sessions of candy duty without too much grief. Next I will be missing her on thanksgiving when we always snuggled on the train going to my brother's, and later made  T-dinner and apple pie just for us. But Christmas will be the worst. Susan loved it a LOT, and did the decorating, while I was what she called the "🐼 Scrooge". Last year I decorated some in her memory and will do it again. Wishing I enjoyed it more with her while I could.

Dark cold days. My first thought in the morning is often, what's the point without her? 

[Gwenivere]

I’ve reached that point, Tom.  Last year I felt it.  Knew I had no heart in the holidays anymore.  Thanksgiving was our favorite as we got older.   Steve wasn’t much into decorating inside, he used to do lights outside bigtime.  I’m the one that misses the inside but not enough to go thru the work.  It’s another thing stolen by death.  We had downsized to a 2 foot tree and one present for Christmas. Doubt I will get it out this year.  If or until something changes, I have no feeling about the holidays except magnified loneliness.  It used to be so much fun.  Traditions and anticipation.  This will be my 5th waking on Christmas Day alone.  Makes me wish we never had those happy days.  Can’t miss what you never had.  And before anyone tells me about the memories, don’t bother.  They hurt too much.  I find no solace there.  I’m glad if you do, but it’s not working out that way for me.  😓 

[TomPB]

44 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 And before anyone tells me about the memories, don’t bother.  They hurt too much.  I find no solace there.  I’m glad if you do, but it’s not working out that way for me.  😓 

I constantly have these conversations with friends saying "what a wonderful memory" and me saying "it just hurts". Actually had one this morning.

[Gin]

Gwen and Tom,

Me, too.  People telling me about how wonderful the memories are.  No consolation there.   All it says is, "You do not have the good times anymore and never will".  

[shebert56]

On 11/2/2018 at 11:24 AM, kayc said:

I put up the tree and decorate because it was a very big deal to George.  He loved every holiday, every season, so I invite him to enjoy in it with me. 

Kayc, what a kind and gentle way to honor George.  I am putting up all the outdoor lights (minus the gutters as that was Stephen's part and I'm not hauling a ladder all around my home).  Stephen loved the outdoor lights.  I'm on the fence about the tree this first year.  I will decide what's best for me when the time comes.  Thanksgiving was never a big celebration for us.  We cooked what we would cook any other day.  Then Stephen binged on football.  I may cook a special meal from something we have in the freezer that he picked up before he became ill.  But I give myself the right to eat grilled cheese if that's what I want.

We quit exchanging gifts many many years ago.  We typically spent that money on Toys for Tots or a local food bank.  I'll continue the tradition and honor Stephen by doing that.  

My sister, who I will be spending Christmas with, arranged for she and I to deliver meals to shut-ins (her church participates in a program) on Christmas day.  I can't think of a better way to spend Christmas this first year without Stephen than by doing something unselfish for those more in need than me.

 

On 11/2/2018 at 11:24 AM, kayc said:

Sure he can't sit on the couch and cuddle with me like we used to, but maybe, just maybe, he sees the tree and visits me with his presence.  His stocking will be hung, his ornaments placed in their prominent position.

Oh, George will be there.... even though your heart may tell you differently, he will be there....  💙

~Shirley

[kayc]

Shirley, I love your traditions and that's a great way to honor Stephen, continuing what you always did.

 

[mittam99]

With the Holidays rapidly approaching, I feel that same sense of heightened dread I've felt since Tammy died. Christmas was a huge event for Tammy. I mean, she listened to Christmas music virtually 24/7 from Thanksgiving to New Years. 😀 December 24th was her favorite day of the year. Wrapping gifts and anticipating the goodies Santa would bring.

These  days, Christmas takes on a palpable level of gloom for me. After all, knowing how the 24th was Tammy's favorite day of the year, I suggested we get married on the Christmas Eve. Why not make her favorite day even more memorable, right? We had a small ceremony at Tammy's parents house in Illinois with a select group of family and friends in attendance. We were married by the local preacher in front of the family's Christmas tree... in the family living room... located in a very small farming town (population 200, including cats and dogs). A truly special moment in time for me and Tammy.

Like every holiday that's occured since March 6, 2015, It won't be easy. Nothing is easy in this life without our beloved.

[kayc]

No it certainly isn't easy.  The most beautiful day of your life occurred on Christmas...nothing has changed that except you no longer get to share in it with her, so it FEELS like everything has changed for you...so in that sense it sure has.  Dealing with our anniversary is hard enough but to have it come at Christmas, wow, I don't think there's a day on the calendar that hits you with more reminders than that!  From Christmas trees, decorations, parades, programs, it's everywhere, announcing to all.  

No nothing is easy without our beloved...I hope you have someplace to be at Christmas so you're not totally alone.  I often have to be alone at Christmas because of snow and the county doesn't do a good job of taking care of the roads especially on Christmas.  Very depressing.

[shebert56]

I made the call to have Thanksgiving lunch (mid-afternoon) at a restaurant with a single neighbor.  She's the one person I can let my hair down with.  I was invited to numerous neighbors, but you know, it's their time with their family.  The lunch I could easily cop out and say no.  So easy.  But I'm going and will try to have a descent time.  I've been pretty house bound, and the walls are closing in.  I'm not a shopper, definitely not at this time of year, and parks and such I wouldn't go alone.  Gotta break up the rut I'm in.

~Shirley

[MartyT]

31 minutes ago, shebert56 said:

Gotta break up the rut I'm in.

Good for you, Shirley. As they say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step ♥️

[shebert56]

Just received an invitation to attend Stephen's company's annual holiday dinner next Friday.  It was so nice of them to include me, and for that I am grateful.  But I declined.  I made it through Thanksgiving so much better than I could have imagined.  But this event, not four months out from Stephen's transition, I cannot do.  I'm not sad about not doing it.  I'm being protective of me.

~Shirley

[kayc]

Shirley,

You are right to be protective of you.  And how nice of them to think of you!  We do need to make those hard decisions to do what feels most comfortable to us at the time.  I applaud you in that!

[TomPB]

 Coming home through Boston Common, it's the annual tree lighting. Susan loved it. In the mail was a Christmas card to Susan from an old friend with "hope all is well"...not exactly. Pretty soon I'll put up some decorations that Susan used to decorate with such joy, while I was the "🐼Scrooge", but I won't be thinking about happy holidays, I'll be thinking about her. That's the season in Grief World.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve done 4 Christmas's without Steve.  Just can’t drag out our little tree (so far).  My cousin suggested just draping some twinkle lights over the mantle because they are so pretty.  I always have candles lit every night at it is.  But that tree, a wee 2 foot one we downsized to.  There really is no Christmas without him and the eve is the worst.  I felt it last year it wasn’t working.  This may change but I’ll know as it approaches.  I certainly won’t be motivated by all the holiday stuff going on around me.  It has to come from the heart.  I won’t be going anywhere so it wil just be another dead day as the world will be closed and people with their families and friends.  I think the only places open are Jack in the Box and Walgreens and I wondered that place on Thanksgiving.  The eve will be the hardest as we went totally candles, candle chimes and always watched Scrooged.  I may do the chimes as that is something I remember since I came into consciousness about 4.  It’s always lonely, but this is the hardest.  

[Polly]

This will be the 4th Christmas without Richard. My daughter that still lives at home with me always makes me put up the tree. I do it for her. She turns 19 on Monday. Last year I bought a pencil tree. It's small and doesn't take much to set it up. We haven't set it up yet. I don't think I will put out anything else but the tree this year. We aren't here on Christmas anyway. The past 3 years Nicole and I leave on Christmas Eve after I get off of work and drive to Altoona to stay with my sister. We will do the same this year. It just makes it easier if we are not here. 

[Gin]

Polly,. This is my 4th one without Al, also.  I will set the manger up and that will probably be it.  I am sure my daughter will want me to set up the little fiberoptic tree, but I do not feel like it.  Just got word that my grandson had to go to ER because he had another epileptic seizure last night.  He s 26 and I feel so bad for him.

[Gwenivere]

I hope your grandson is OK now, Gin.  🦋