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Widowedbysuicide

34 months and counting. Edited

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A friend of mine on Facebook posted a reminder about the time change on Sunday.  She inadvertently posted about setting the clocks an hour ahead.  It made me smile when I posted that she would be really early for her appointments on Monday.  It made me stop and think about the passage of time.

Tomorrow, November 5th will be 34 months that my husband has been gone.  That time is much like an accordion as it expands and contracts.  Time can seem long one moment and in the next moment it feels so short.  I don't like the feeling of either.  The shock of the first night and the following day....  I didn't think grief was going to be so hard.  When the calendar says how long he's been gone I realize it was a lifetime ago.

If I could turn back the calendar to November 2015 maybe I could change the future.  When I realized my husband wasn't in the house or the barn it was already dark.  I had no idea how he was thinking of feeling.  When the police asked if he could have done something to harm himself I said no way.  As did my Facebook friend.  She and her husband helped search for my Gord.  It was shortly before midnight when the police officer told my son and I that they found him but it wasn't the outcome we had hoped for.  

I'm doing as well as I can.  Most of the time I manage ok.  I'm looking forward to a time that I can look forward to.  My horses are all gone now, the dogs and cats are getting older.  I'm fortunate to have my son still with me.  Even with his autism spectrum disorder, which is challenging as he is 31 now and he isn't working, I need to count my blessings.

my brain couldn't count last night lol 🤔 I was trying to calculate two months short of 3 years 

Edited by Widowedbysuicide
Bad math
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4 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Time can seem long one moment and in the next moment it feels so short. 

Isn't that the truth.  :(  Sorry, Marita.  I can only imagine how it must be for you.

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Hi Marita,. Thinking about you during this hard time.  Mine is 37 months.  In one way it seems like it just happened and then it seems like forever since I saw him.   Gin

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It really feels like a lifetime ago to me.  Sometimes it feels unreal that he was really here with me, that we met, lived and loved, even with the physical reminders still around here.  Weird how time can warp.

Marita, I didn't realize your son has autism.  My good friend, Jim, is Asperger's, definitely affects how he operates.  I'm glad you have him too.

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It's been a while...

Marita my heart goes out to you and all of us who are struggling to find our way. I honestly don't really count the months or days or hours anymore (it's been nearly 44 months) since that life changing day I lost my Tammy.

I knew Tammy had so many life threatening medical problems but I never thought she would die. And certainly not at 45 years old. When she died, so did life as I knew it. Replaced suddenly by a cold, dark, dismal place I didn't recognize.

Nearly four years later, life is still hard, although I've adapted to ebb and flow of grief. It's still a one day and sometimes one moment at a time kind of life. A life where happiness comes in tiny increments. A chuckle here, a brief moment of success there and then it's back to the feeling of sadness, loneliness and emptiness.

We're all here, but sometimes we want to be somewhere else. A place where our beloved is in our arms and we never want to let them go. It's so hard to have everything and suddenly nothing. To reach out and no one is there.

All we can do is live our life with our beloved not only in our hearts but live as though they still walk beside us. Motivating us, telling us to move forward and to try to find those elusive moments of happiness.

I wish you Marita, and everyone here a life that feels less painful, that feels more purposeful and that ultimately feels like a life truly worth living.

Your friend,

Mitch

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12 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

 

my brain couldn't count last night lol 🤔 I was trying to calculate two months short of 3 years 

Marita, none our brains are working as well as they once did. Apparently, the warranty is up on mine because it's definitely in need of major repairs. 😋 Btw, thanks for the chuckle you gave me when I read "bad math" as your edit reason.

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Yesterday I was doing the books for the church.  When I saw the balance the church had $26000 and saw our checkbook balance $24000, I actually called the former Treasurer for ideas where to look.  She simply said, "Are there outstanding checks?"  Boy did I feel stupid!  It made me wonder of dementia was indeed setting in!  I've done books for 50 years, what happened to my brain?

So Marita, you are not alone!  

Mitch, good to see you, it's been a long while, I've been wondering how you are.

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Today, Nov. 5 is 3 years for me. It does seem like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. I've come a long way in the past 3 years. Surprisingly I didn't even cry today. 

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I didn’t cry last week at 4 years.   I always think I’ll fall apart on certain days, but I seem to go numb.  It caught me later or it was another trigger.  I’ve given up any expectations.  One thing that is never forgotten is the day.

Things are weird how times blurs between yesterday and where were are now.  Sometimes I get confused.  Was it really real or just one intense dream?  Hard to fit all those all the memories of 35 years into one dream tho.  

How have you been, Polly?

 

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I think I cried myself out the first few years, but gradually it lessened to where I rarely cry now.  We do learn to carry it.

Odd that you mentioned it, Gwen, I just wrote about that in Laura's thread...where I feel like, was it real?  Did we really have a life together like I remember?  Did I make it up?  It makes me feel like I'm crazy!

Yes, Polly, how are you?  ;)

 

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I was really shocked that I didn't cry. When I wrote that I thought wow! that was a first. How am I? I never know how to answer that question. I think I'm doing ok. 4 months ago Nicole my 18 year old daughter was in a horrible car accident that everyone says they don't know how she survived. After a lot of hard work, she went back to work this past Sunday. Everything she has been through has changed her(for the better). I got engaged on Oct 4 to the guy that I met at a grief support group two years ago. Ohhh the whole dating thing and being with someone else has been a rollercoaster ride. Although I really think Richard had something to do with me meeting Bill. Bill is so much like Richard. Sometimes it freaks me out.

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And we're so happy for you, Polly!  You've been through a lot, but you're doing it, you're getting through it.  And I personally am glad you have a good person to get through it with.  (((hugs)))  And so proud of Nicole!  She learned resilience and perseverance from her mom!  She'll keep on making it.

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I don't cry as often as I did and there's a part of me that feels "guilty" that I don't. But the tears still happen when I least expect it. The biggest outburts for me are those moments when something memorable happens and I wish Tammy was here to see or enjoy it. My life is so empty without my Tammy by my side. But like we all do, I try my best.

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I know, Mitch.  A while back I posted that I felt my life went from living color to black and white.  That's how it feels.

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