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Delayed Grief


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Really, I have felt quite smug about things.  I talk to Billy in the clouds, I conjure up a picture of him standing where I can see him, I am surrounded by family and friends, I am doing great.

Then I meet someone new.  No, not some other person, I meet myself right now and I do not know me.  I am angry often.  Daughter wants to know if she has said something.  Granddaughter sorta stays clear of "me."  I feel empty.  Not grieved, just numb empty.  I feel totally useless.  I do not want to do anything.  I am a voracious reader, just finished seven books in a series of fiction taken in the historic 800's.  Found lots of fault and had to make myself finish this series.  Bought Sally Field's autobiography, which (to me) was a self-centered piece of trash.  I have to give it to her, she was ridding herself of her demons.  She did, and it was a waste of 400 pages, but maybe it made her feel better, and perhaps I should have not read Burt Reynold's autobiography first.  I am biased.  Cannot get started on another book.  (All on Kindle).

Can I change my mad dog personality?  I'm not sure I know how.  I don't even talk to Billy.  As per usual, I looked it up on Google and came up with this below from something called "Grief in Common" and delayed grief.

"Prior to loss you probably experienced the healing nature of time. After a surgery or illness, after a fight with a friend, following a traumatic event…in almost every one of those cases we can say that while other things may have contributed to the recovery, it was time itself that ultimately made the difference.

But the rules are different in grief. Rather than experiencing improvement as a steady climb that could be charted on a graph, most grievers will say their emotions and coping are predictable only in that they are totally unpredictable.

While there is no predictable path for coping after loss, there is a whole section of grievers who face the unexpected experience of delayed grief…and for them the question becomes “why?”. As in “why am I having a harder time coping now than I did before?”.

It has been three years in October.  I thought I was doing good but I do not seem to know this person in my body.  Seems dramatic.  Maybe they will make me lose weight, but I do not seem to have the impetus to make myself move/ambulate.  I knew to get the physical therapy  scheduled through my clinic, though with my insurance I think I could have had it scheduled myself, but then I would not go.

And the grief.........I don't know if I am grieving Billy or grieving myself.  Just an empty, fat, hollow body.  Let me go eat some more ice cream.

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Marg,

I feel totally useless, also!  Nothing I do is of any importance to anyone, myself included.  I tried to volunteer, but they did not seem to want anyone at the nursing home.  I am 79 and maybe that turns them off.  They probably think I should live there!  I have considerable pain in knees and back, so it is hard to do too much.  Everything I see or do reminds me of how much I miss Al.  Maybe I should go out and buy some ice cream!

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Add me to the club.  I don’t know what the hell is going on but I feel worse now than I ever have.  Try telling that to an outsider and see how baffled they are as Time is supposed to be healing.  I’m always leery of saying it’s been 4 years because they really don’t get that. 

I haven’t a clue what happened to the person I was.  I don’t like being this new one.  I don’t like putting on the act.  I’m am so angry too.  Don’t feel of importance to anyone either, Gin.   I don’t know about you guys, but I get sooooooo tired of hearing of people’s plans and having to sound interested.  I don’t want bad things to happen to others, but when someone tells me about a problem I perk up.  It’s a feeling of......ya mean, I’m not the only one who has something go wrong beyond your not getting a camping permit?  I think you know what I mean.   I was talking to a guy whose dog is facing possible cancer and definitely amputation of a leg.  I feel terrible about it.  But I could relate having been there.  He knew that and wanted to talk to me about it and how hard it is.  It’s sad when it takes something like that to feel you matter.  

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I live in the state of "Numb", another one to add to the existing 50. I moved here when I lost Ron and Debbie. As much as I want to move away, I am waiting...........Am I waiting to die or waiting to live again? I really don't know.  This is not me, that person who was half of the couple always on the go, eating out, traveling around seeing new sights, doing crazy things. I remember one Saturday driving to all the "Big Lots" in this 100 mile wide valley, buying little things we didn't need, wasting gas, but it was FUN. Have not visited with FUN in such a long time, we would not recognize each other.

I must not be completely useless as I cook and clean for me and the guys. I am simply useless to me. There is nothing to look forward to, nothing left to dream about. Pretty sad when the only thing you look forward to is the new episode of "Criminal Minds".  lol

I don't converse with anyone except you all here. I suppose I'm not very good at socializing anymore. Used to be, but that died with my family. I'm not a bar person, a church person, or a meetup group person. Damn, I am boring! But then, I don't have to listen to others talk about their fun adventures. Besides, I get enough of that watching people shop for their million dollar homes on "House Hunters".

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Just talked to a friend and she told me about the cruise they are planning in May.  We went with them on 3 trips.  I do not want to be be unkind, but I really do not want to listen.  Most people just do not realize how we feel.  How empty and lonely we are.

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10 hours ago, KarenK said:

I get enough of that watching people shop for their million dollar homes on "House Hunters".

I remember watching one of those shows toward the end. Mark was watching a lot of TV shows about house hunting, probably because he just wanted to go home again.  We lay in the bed in his room in the rehab center, and watched these house hunter couples fuss about stupid details and petty points of interest and trivial problems like the angle of light, and I thought, "Wow, wait 'til one of you is in the hospital or gets sick, or dies, and THEN you'll find out just what's important in life."   🤬

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I read this comment in a post online from someone about a year ago, and it really struck me because it is exactly how I felt, and still feel. I recognized myself completely, as I do in all of your posts, but am not always able to articulate my feelings......

”My heart and my mind ride around in this empty shell that used to be me....”

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Marg,

I think we all can relate to you...if not for today, for yesterday or tomorrow.  It seems it cycles, although not predictably.  We have our times we do pretty good and our "other times".  Something can set it off...or not, it just happens.  It defies explanation.  There's times I just get tired of struggling through life on my own.  There's other times it seems "pretty good".  I haven't figured out if I have any affect on how it goes with my attitudes, etc.  If I could see a pattern maybe it'd help.  But really, not.

I have a friend whose house burned down two years ago.  No one from work was allowed to donate time to her.  (Nice place.)  Her son is extremely autistic, they can't take him anywhere, she's allowed so much "help" but it's hard to find and they quit and leave her in the lurch.  Her husband is disabled, can't work at all.  He was going to school to become a minister.  She has two daughters, one a teen, one younger.  She herself has been having tons of medical problems, they still haven't figured out what's wrong, but she's out of sick leave, and again, no one can donate their hours to her, so when she goes to the doctor, it's unpaid leave, and the shouldering the burden of supporting the family is all on her.  This week she should get the results and find out what is wrong with her, heart or what.  Two weeks ago she found out her husband had been having an affair with someone in the ministry at school...for a year.  God, she didn't have enough to deal with!  

She's not widowed, she has a family, a husband, but her life is so full of problems, it's always something.  Makes my life look pretty good, even if alone.  Her husband quit his Elder position, something he should have done of his own accord a year ago.  They're in for intensive counseling and work to build a marriage out of the shambles it's in.  And I'm complaining about a leaky roof and a car whose A/C and heating has a mind of its own.  I have it good compared to her.  And I wish I could wave a wand and make everything better for her, but all I can do is be there for her and suggest books and a forum that I know would help.  Why do some people get hit so hard?  And my daughter...I wish I could help her.  

I relate to you sometimes Marg.  You want to help your family.  Sometimes it feels like it's unending, life's problems.

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16 hours ago, Gin said:

Just talked to a friend and she told me about the cruise they are planning in May.  We went with them on 3 trips.  I do not want to be be unkind, but I really do not want to listen.  Most people just do not realize how we feel.  How empty and lonely we are.

A friend was trying to convince me to attend a party after I told him I was still uncomfortable socializing with large groups. He listed all the people I know who would be attending "with his wife". He had no idea that he couldn't have been more effective at keeping me away .

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On 11/4/2018 at 6:14 PM, KarenK said:

I live in the state of "Numb", another one to add to the existing 50. I moved here when I lost Ron and Debbie. As much as I want to move away, I am waiting...........Am I waiting to die or waiting to live again? I really don't know.   lol

I don't converse with anyone except you all here. I suppose I'm not very good at socializing anymore. Used to be, but that died with my family. I'm not a bar person, a church person, or a meetup group person. Damn, I am boring! 

I could have written the same thing.  I haven’t a clue what I am waiting for.  Makes it hard to navigate life now.  I feel it is more waiting for this nightmare to end.  Have too many health problems to make living again even remotely enjoyable.  

we used to buy things for fun too.  Nonsensical pleasure.  When the garage started getting too stuffed I said we gotta stop doing this.  Let’s buy food goodies, don’t have to store them.

i don’t socialize much.  I enjoy when I do, it’s the ending and knowing I am alone again that gets me.  Definitely not a group person so that closes many opportunities.  I don’t count volunteering in that.  I’m more a one on one sit and chat person.  I met up with my usual Sunday buddy for an hour and another woman I know happened to be there so talked to her for an hour.  It felt good, for 2 hours.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.  I just knew it would be an empty house to go to after that.  

It is hard to hear other people’s plans.  But I had them once too and I don’t begrudge them theirs.  It’s the inevitable 'what are you up to and doing' that I have to tone  down or I’d be like an old SNL  character called Debbie Downer.

 

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