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Gin

Another wedding anniversary without him.

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Today marks our 18th wedding anniversary.  What a great day that was!  What a contrast to today.  Al and I wrote and read short poems for all our guests.  Everyone had a good time.  Wish he were here to reminisce.  Just wish he were here for so many reasons!  These anniversaries can be so very hard.

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Gin, I know how difficult these "special" days can be, I just went through that last month with our 36th wedding anniversary and unfortunately haven't really been able to bounce back from that.  My heart is with you and hope that at least one good memory comes to mind that gives you a little peace.  Hugs!!!

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So sorry, Gin.  Looking at that coming up in January.   Once it was the best day of our lives.  Hard to accept what it is now.    Ours would have been 36 years.  But the number doesn’t matter, it’s them.  Or rather lack of them.  

 Warm hug.

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6 hours ago, Gin said:

Today marks our 18th wedding anniversary.  What a great day that was!  What a contrast to today.  Al and I wrote and read short poems for all our guests.  Everyone had a good time.  Wish he were here to reminisce.  Just wish he were here for so many reasons!  These anniversaries can be so very hard.

Yes, so hard, my deepest sympathy and best wishes.

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Gin:  So understand the pain you are feeling today and so sorry for your sadness. 

What a wonderful day it must have been 18 years ago for all your guests to have had a short poem written for each of them and to have seen how happy you two were to create your special day for yourselves.  I know he is smiling down on you - especially today.   Dee

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Thanks everyone.  I looked at our wedding pics today...bittersweet.  I have a video but I could not bear to look at that.  Too much to see him moving and smiling and alive.

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Gin, I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to spend our anniversaries alone...it's quite a different contrast after they've died to the celebration we once enjoyed.

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Gin, I hear what you are saying about looking at the video.  I've been having major conflicting thoughts since the 3rd anniversary of his death in July.  Some times I'm glad I don't have a video of him or a recording of his voice, but at other times I really wish I did have both.  I have pictures and look at them all the time, but no voice recording and I'm so afraid I'm going to forget how he sounded, all I remember is his voice was deep and very calming, sure wish I could hear it.  Although if I did have either one, not sure I could listen or watch either one.  Hope today is a little easier for you.  Hugs

 

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It is Ron's voice you still hear on my voice mail. I have no reason to change it. I still have a cassette made at Xmas in the 80's with his voice. No videos. We never made it fully into the digital age, but did get a Kodak Easyshare system to print the last few years of vacation pictures. It is sometimes hard to look at the photos throughout the years knowing what is to come. Nov. 19 will be our 46th anniersary, my 5th alone.

I have watched the memorial video of my daughter two times. It is almost too much to bear. Her death has still blindsided me. I had not seen her in a year and could not have imagined how very ill she had become. On the phone, she told me to bring tennis shoes so we could go fishing. That never happened. She died within a month after I got to Kentucky.

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My husband's been gone eight and a half years. There is another in my life now.  But even so, every now and then a wave of nostalgia, grief, poignancy or whatever comes over me. 

My winter coat must be at least 14 years old, and needs to be replaced, but it was a gift from my late husband.  There aren't a lot of things I've held onto. We didn't have a fairy-tale marriage. We hung in there, but there weren't a lot of sentimental gifts.  He was an alcoholic, so the last few years, and there was no extra money. I viewed the cards I did receive with a bit of cynicism, as his behavior changed from one hour to the next.  Oddly, I found after his passing, he had saved every card I gave him. 

 

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Steve’s voice is on our answering machine too.  If I am home I desperately try and beat it to picking up calls.  Hearing his voice is still too much after 4 years.  It’s so clear in my scrambled head.  I hear him all the time.  I guess it’s something I will never forget.  I have recordings he did and can’t listen to.  It’s affected some of my favorite songs tied to memories which sucks.  I hear new stuff that sometimes breaks my heart about love.  Torture as it is I download them from iTunes but there they sit.  No video, but I know there is some floating around with his buddies from gigs.  Pictures I have around often make me acutely aware he did exist when I feel it had to have been a dream.  I need him so much right now.  Too many things to handle alone, biggest being going into the now dreaded holidays.   I’m so tired of waking up to the reality.   I’m tired of loving him now that it has become so heartbreaking.

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve’s voice is on our answering machine too.  If I am home I desperately try and beat it to picking up calls.  Hearing his voice is still too much after 4 years. 

Gwen:  I totally understand what you are saying when you hear Steve's voice.  I made the mistake of changing my answer machine message right after Bob passed away.  I had my son record a new message.  I wish I had been able to save his voice message just in case I will someday be strong enough to listen to his recorded voice.  Maybe I should have bought another landline phone and saved his message on our old phone. 

I tried to save his message on his cell phone but the young man at Verizon mistakenly removed the message.  I have since upgraded my cell phone so doubt if message  could have been transferred from a flip phone to a smart phone.  

One day as I was looking through my photos on my lap top that had been saved, I mistakenly opened up a short video my daughter had taken of him playing with our grandson and could hear his voice laughing and being silly.  Had to close it down immediately.  I know someday I will be ready and hope it will be comforting, just not ready yet.  I can look at photos, just can't listen to that voice that I thought would always be here with me.  Dee

 

 

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9 hours ago, KarenK said:

It is Ron's voice you still hear on my voice mail. I have no reason to change it. I still have a cassette made at Xmas in the 80's with his voice. No videos.

KarenK:  Wish I had saved the message on my answer machine.  I had my son record a new message shortly after my husband passed away.  It was too painful to hear his voice at the time.  But, now I wish I had not changed it. 

Can't imagine having to grieve for a husband and then to be faced with the loss of a daughter.  My heart hurts for you.  Dee

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Believe me, Dee, I thought about changing our answering machine but something said don’t make that decision in excruciating pain.  I gave myself a year before making any big changes.  Heard that was the way to do it and glad I did.  I may not listen, but it’s there.  I lost his cell phone greeting when I cancelled his phone.  I’ve never dialed the number because it his number and some stranger will answer.  I’m glad you have the short video at least.  I’m guessing if you watch it it will revive the sound of him speaking.  I guess I am lucky that I recall it too well.  It just doesn’t feel that way....yet.  I was thinking of this thread when I got home and just broke down crying as it made me want to talk to him SO much.  I see so many things I want to tell him about.  I got good news at the vet about our lab but the good faded so fast.  Couldn’t share it.  People that are single are used to this.  Not us.  I am not meant to be alone anymore.  Not since he stepped into my life.

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Mark is on YouTube, in a short video he appeared in for a service center he volunteered at.  I marvel at how young he looks before the weight of the chronic pain, illness and disability took away his vitality.  I have the 3 quick segments in which he appears, memorized by this time down to the minutes and seconds.

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20 hours ago, ipswitch said:

Oddly, I found after his passing, he had saved every card I gave him. 

That must have felt endearing to learn.  Alcoholism can be very hard to live with as it affects their behavior and thinking.  Even while recognizing it is a disease and they don't always intend to inflict the pain they do, it does little to comfort us...it's just hard all the way around.  I hope your life is going better now and you can look back at your time with him, while mixed feelings, there was love between you.

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I got good news at the vet about our lab but the good faded so fast.  Couldn’t share it. 

Gwen:  Hope your good news about your lab has settled in today and gives you some joy.  Am always hoping for joy no matter how small.  Some days I have to really search in every corner of my day.  Dee 

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On 11/12/2018 at 2:32 PM, ipswitch said:

Oddly, I found after his passing, he had saved every card I gave him.

I have all of Stephen's, and he saved mine.  I haven't been able to look at any of them yet.  I am grateful that over the years I recorded with my camera moments of Stephen playing with Louie when Louie was a puppy.  Watching them makes me laugh.  I do have one video when we bought a small generator, of him showing the steps to turn it on, all with his voice.  And smile.  I'm grateful I have those.

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I had a box brimming with cards from Steve.  A couple years after he left and I was feeling brave, I thinned some out that he had just signed his name.  Any, tho, that has a personal sentiment, poem or altered to fit the occasion are stlll with me.   Thinking on it now, I had forgotten how I knew his handwriting so well.  Haven’t seen it in years but I could forge his signature and he said I was really good at it.  Once asked me when he signed something he hadn’t.  The only things he signed were voting ballots and Income tax returns.  I did all the banking so he’d just toss me checks from gigs or a sale of a guitar and I’d handle it.  If he needed something written well, he’d ask me.  Drat, I hate when these memories come up.  Time for Kleenex.  

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Sorry Gin.  We had a full church but I left home rather abruptly after my mom and I got into it and moved the date and location, still the small country town church, my home church was full.  We just did not take pictures, but I remember even shaking so hard at 18 I could hardly read my name.  It was the occasion, not the congenital tremor.  Also my old pastor and we told him all we wanted to say was "I do" so he read all the rest.  I'm not sure Billy's dad came.  We never made big "to-do's" of occasion, just cards and gifts.  I'm glad now that we did not pick out something special to do. 

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