Need Support - Feeling Very Alone

[KristenH]

I'm 42 years old. 

 

In 2014, my father became officially bedridden on Christmas day due to Frontotemporal dementia and my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. She went through operations, a colostomy bag, and 6 months of chemo.

 

In 2015, my husband’s play went to Broadway, and for that play he was nominated for a Tony award, as was the play itself, the playwright, and 3 of the actors.

We went to the Tony award ceremony on June 7, and the next day, out of the blue, he told me he wanted a divorce. This was totally unexpected and an enormous shock to me.

 

In September, 3 months after my husband left, my sister’s doctor found a tumor in her ovary. It was removed, and sent to the lab. Unfortunately, her colon cancer had metastasized, and we learned that she now has stage 4 colon cancer. The good news is that she has been clear for 3 years.

 

I have had an enormous spiritual awakening as a result of all this, but there is also incredible damage to my heart, damage that caused me to push away the man who became my best friend and love of my life after everything happened. He is gone now. He doesn’t trust me anymore.

 

I am healing, but in a lot of pain still. I have very few people who I feel understand me, and I thought this board could help.

 

Thank you.

[MartyT]

I am so sorry to learn of all the heavy losses you've endured, Kristen, and for the pain that you are feeling as a result. You are not alone in that pain, you are most welcome here, and we will be with you just as long as you need us to be.

Divorce is indeed a death ~ as is the death of your relationship with the man you've known as your best friend and the love of your life ~ and they are most certainly worthy of grief.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it may speak to you in a helpful way: Is Grief A Normal Reaction to Divorce? Notice, too, the related resources listed at the end.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all that you've been going through.  Life does indeed send us wallops, sometimes it's a feat just getting through the day during those times.  We're here, listening, when you want to talk.

[KristenH]

Thank you so much.

It's so strange. After everything, the most painful loss is this most recent one: of Peter, who I was with for a year and who was my best friend, but is not my husband of 11 years, my father, or my sister! It seems impossible for it to hurt more than anything, yet, I have to be honest, it does. I think I'm projecting the pain from other stuff onto the loss of him. Does that make sense to you?

[MartyT]

It has been said that the most painful loss is the one you're experiencing now ~ but it's also true that grief can have a cumulative effect, also known as "grief overload." See, for example, Coping with Cumulative Losses and In Grief: Coping with Multiple Losses 

[kayc]

I've been through it...four marriages and two engagements besides.  Only one of them truly loved me, he was my soul mate and best friend, and I lost him to sudden death over 13 years ago.  I know loss.  My father died when I was 29, my mom 4 years ago, a niece, a nephew, my sister this year, and I nearly lost my other sister recently.  She has dementia and suffers falls with dire consequences.  I've lost countless friends and pets.  Grief is my companion and I've learned to coexist with it.

You have a lot on your plate.  Your remark about cumulative losses is spot on, one can trigger an old one and it feels like they pile up until you feel you can't take any more.

I hope you'll get continued help from a professional grief counselor, it can be really hard to navigate all this on your own.  One of the harder things for me to learn was self-care, validating myself, learning that I don't need someone to complete me, I've lived alone for 13 years but it was eight years ago when I stopped feeling like I had to have someone in my life.  I haven't dated since.  It's not that I rule out the possibility, I'm just not actively seeking it, I'm okay being just me.

I've learned to realize the whole of the person, remember the good, but also be pragmatic enough to recall that all is not perfect in any relationship, even one you consider perfect for you.  We try to learn from what we've been through and that can give a positive slant to it.

 

[KristenH]

Thank you!

[KristenH]

KayC, really wise words. Thank you.

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I've been through it...four marriages and two engagements besides.  Only one of them truly loved me, he was my soul mate and best friend, and I lost him to sudden death over 13 years ago.  I know loss.  My father died when I was 29, my mom 4 years ago, a niece, a nephew, my sister this year, and I nearly lost my other sister recently.  She has dementia and suffers falls with dire consequences.  I've lost countless friends and pets.  Grief is my companion and I've learned to coexist with it.

You have a lot on your plate.  Your remark about cumulative losses is spot on, one can trigger an old one and it feels like they pile up until you feel you can't take any more.

I hope you'll get continued help from a professional grief counselor, it can be really hard to navigate all this on your own.  One of the harder things for me to learn was self-care, validating myself, learning that I don't need someone to complete me, I've lived alone for 13 years but it was eight years ago when I stopped feeling like I had to have someone in my life.  I haven't dated since.  It's not that I rule out the possibility, I'm just not actively seeking it, I'm okay being just me.

I've learned to realize the whole of the person, remember the good, but also be pragmatic enough to recall that all is not perfect in any relationship, even one you consider perfect for you.  We try to learn from what we've been through and that can give a positive slant to it.

 

Grief is my companion and I've learned to coexist with it.

--YES, SO BEAUTIFUL AND POIGNANT! 

 

4 hours ago, KristenH said:

Thank you so much.

It's so strange. After everything, the most painful loss is this most recent one: of Peter, who I was with for a year and who was my best friend, but is not my husband of 11 years, my father, or my sister! It seems impossible for it to hurt more than anything, yet, I have to be honest, it does. I think I'm projecting the pain from other stuff onto the loss of him. Does that make sense to you?

Yes, this absolutely makes sense. I lost my grandfather to cirrhosis and liver failure when I was 20 (I am 27 now), and 9 months later my best friend killed himself. My grief experience after John killed himself was the opposite of how I behaved after my grandfather passed; I emotionally abandoned my relationship/boyfriend, stopped going to work and left school for the semester. The idea that the grief "compounded" onto itself due to the time frame of all your (and my losses) is definitely a plausible one. As is the projection and the triggering of old wounds when further experiences and losses occur.

When my ex-fiance and I ended our relationship after 7 years, I felt the same sting of abandonment, hopelessness and loneliness I had felt after dealing with their deaths. We ended our relationship less than 2 years after I lost my grandfather and John, and even though I had gone to therapy and began to get back on track with my life, these feelings hit me like a ton of bricks and like I was back to square one with nowhere to turn and no idea what to do with myself. The relationship that brought me to this forum lasted 14 months, 20 in total before calling it quits for good. He blindsided and devastated me with his behavior after his father died suddenly and again I was back at square one feeling abandoned and like no one else would ever love me and I began to panic. That was 3 years ago, and like KayC, I have not pursued a romantic relationship since. I have placed my focus on my career, hobbies, self-care and other interests. Though I am not closed off to a relationship, I came to terms with my short-comings and turned my focus from ignoring them into working on them and placing a higher value on myself versus a romantic relationship.

 

--Rae 

[kayc]

Rae, I have quoted you to my grief support group...you are the wisest young person I know!  You see, you don't just go through things, you LEARN from them and are better off for it!  It took me YEARS to learn but I'm finally there.  What you said here really rings true.
 

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

I have placed my focus on my career, hobbies, self-care and other interests. Though I am not closed off to a relationship, I came to terms with my short-comings and turned my focus from ignoring them into working on them and placing a higher value on myself versus a romantic relationship.