Feeling guilty for feeling sad

[RosaM]

My father and I have not had a very good relationship. He was manipulative, controlling, a narcissist. Before my mother finally left him for good, he was verbally and physically abusive. He was an alcholic and a drug addict as well as a womanizer. To his credit, he did get sober. However, he was still a narcissist, controlling, manipulative and very negative. It took me several years to get out from under his control. His health has been bad most of my life, so hearing that he may not make it again, was not alarming to me. I had always figured my dad was like a cockroach that would still be alive long after a nuclear disaster. I honestly believed that when he died, I would either have no reaction or I'd feel relieved. This has not been the case. Instead, I have been overwhelmed with so many emotions, anger, relief, sincere sadness, guilt.. this guilt isn't what you normally think of, it isn't feeling guilty for wishing I'd done something more to help him (there are 3 of us kids and I was the only one who still helped our dad, visited and called, ran errands...) this guilt I feel is for feeling sad that he's passed away. I have been so angry and hurt by him that now I actually get angry with myself for feeling sad about his passing. I feel guilty for feeling sad and that upsets me. I never dreamed I'd have such a difficult time with his death and yet here I am, seemingly unable to figure out how to deal with these emotions. Is there anyone else that has had a similar situation? Please don't get me wrong, I love my father, without him, I would not be. I did not like the things he did, but he was still my dad. I sound bitter because of the history but I have never forsaken my father. He no longer had complete control over me, but I still honored him and took care of him. Why do I feel guilty for feeling sad? 

[kayc]

My last husband was a Narcissist, alcoholic, drug addict (I didn't know before I married him, he was very good at putting on and saying what he thought was acceptable).  I can honestly say there is no winner in a relationship with a Narcissist, only surviving it.  Long after the divorce when I was going through the coulda-woulda-shoulda-s, he wasn't looking back.  Why?  Because they're not normal, not like you and me.  I used to admire him for not looking back, for just going forward, I thought that was admirable and smart.  Not until now, just this moment, did it dawn on me, he didn't look back because he had no feelings with whatever took place in the past...no feelings, no guilt, no remorse, no empathy.  He honestly thought people that got took...it was their fault, they were the foolish ones...not realizing that it was him that there was something wrong with him.  Narcissists seems to lack the ability to appreciate.  No matter how much we do for them, how much we love them, it will have no effect.  

Maybe you feel sad because you know what you hoped for all your life would never be.  Maybe you know deep inside he doesn't deserve your sadness, even though he's your father.  I'm sorry.  Some of us get this luck of the draw, it's unfair.  You're a good person, you deserved better.  That said, it's the most natural thing in the world to love your father, no matter who they are or how they treated you or others.  Maybe it's kind of like when we have a president we didn't like or vote for but we still honor the position, still pray for them, still respect the authority of the title/position.  Only this one has emotion, the title of dad holds so much more weight with us because it's personal.  There's something inside of us that says so.

My mom was mentally ill all my life.  She behaved and responded very inappropriately.  The first part of my life I and my sisters tried to please her.  Or at least not set her off.  That wasn't possible because it wasn't about us, it was her perception and nothing we could do about that.  The second half I set boundaries and let her choose her consequences accordingly.  That left it on her, not me.  But it was still hard because if she was on the outs with me, it hurt.  I'd think, "Why can't I have a normal mom?"  IDK.  It is what it is.  But I loved her.  She's been gone for four years now.  It wasn't all bad, she had her good moments, you just couldn't ever count on them.  And she was always on the fritz with one of us.  I've learned to let go of the bad and know in my heart that the next time I see her she will be "made right", the way she was created to be, no longer mentally ill, her perceptions no longer distorted, and she will love us...like other people love.  It is then I can hold her unabashedly and tell her I love her.  I have nothing to regret, like you, I was a good daughter, always there for her.

I'm sorry for your loss.  Mixed feelings as there might be, it's a loss of magnitude to you, your father.

[MartyT]

As Kay suggests, you may be mourning the loss of the father you always wanted but never had ~ and that is a loss that still engenders grief. In this article, I've gathered a number of resources that you may find helpful, as you come to understand the meaning and significance of this loss in your own life. In this case the person writing has lost her mother, but the information contained is still relevant. Note the related resources listed at the base: Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother

[kayc]

It's helpful to have articles that touch your situation.  I was lucky in that my mom's dementia seemed to soften her as she forgot most of her imagined wrongs, and she was getting help at last for her paranoia.  However, I still have memories of so much abuse to all of us, but mostly to me when I was a teen as that was when her greatest stress was as we were taking care of my quadriplegic sister after her accident and her young child died.  My dad was drinking heavily and it was a really hard time for all of us...I got the brunt.  My mom never did apologize for anything she did but she sort of alluded to it once, saying casually, "I wish I'd done some things differently".  I guess that had to suffice.

It's hard to reconcile your feelings afterwards, when they're gone, you can't address them with anything, but like it was mentioned, you can write them a letter, depict your feelings through art, etc.  Whatever helps you get it out...and let it go.  Let it be on them and not you.  You didn't deserve any of it.  I look forward to the next world, when things are better.  I hope you hold that hope too, regardless of what it looks like to you, I know we all hold different beliefs.

[RosaM]

Thank you both for your replies. I am going to reach out to the bereavement counselor at the hospital in which he passed. I remember them saying they offer that service to the family members. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my husband about what I'm dealing with, unfortunately he doesn't know how to comfort or communicate well enough to be of any support. I feel like I can't talk to my mom about it because she's my father's ex and her new husband makes me feel foolish for mourning the loss of my father. My siblings cut ties with our father and wrote me off right along with him. I appreciate you both reaching out to me, it helps to have someone who seems to understand.

[kayc]

It seems inappropriate to me that anyone would make you feel foolish for mourning and I'm sorry your siblings cut ties with you.  Perhaps if you find a grief support group it will be of some comfort to you that there's others going through similar things.  It helps to know that what we're experiencing is normal for the circumstances.