Solitary Grief

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

10 days smoke free and the depression from that intensifies all of this.

Gwen, this just came in from Health Journeys' Belleruth Naparstek, the guided imagery guru. Just sharing it with you, in case you may be interested:

New studies led by Dr. Judith Gordon, using guided imagery in a smoking cessation app for women who were also struggling with weight issues, called See Me Smoke Free, got high attrition rates – 52% (not unusual, and not as high as some programs) but good success as well, in this 90 day, pre- and post comparison pilot study at the University of Arizona.

Of the initial 151 participants, 73 remained, and 47% of them reported 7-day abstinence and significant increases in physical activity and fruit consumption. In other words, about a quarter of the original bunch achieved the success they were looking for.¹

This is remarkably similar to the outcomes from earlier smoking cessation/guided imagery studies - Christine Wynd’s 2005 research, used our guided imagery as an add-on to standard health education materials. The other arm of the study received only the health education materials.

The guided imagery arm got a 26% cessation rate, where the ‘treatment as usual’ controls got 12%. (It was later determined that those cessation rates held up over the next 24 months.²

So, given how hard it is to quit smoking, I’m thinking the guided imagery success rate of roughly a quarter of the initial subjects looks pretty darn good.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Marty.  I’m right at the point where concentration is so hard to find.  I’ll give it a look see.  Truly appreciate the support.

Hmmm....won’t load to sample.  Illl keep trying.

[MartyT]

Try this link, Gwen: https://www.healthjourneys.com/a-meditation-to-help-you-stop-smoking

When I quit smoking years ago, I filled the astray I'd always used with sticks of Juicy Fruit gum, so I could get at them instantly. For three straight weeks, instead of smoking a cigarette, I chewed a stick of gum ~ until the insides of my mouth were raw. It worked for me. May be worth a try.

Believe me, I do know how hard it is to break this habit ~ especially with everything else going on in your life ~ and I am pulling for you. ♥️

[Gwenivere]

That one worked.  Thanks, Marty.  ❤️

[kevin]

Ten days is a major Milestone...Super congrats , this is a key time and the fellow in your head will try to trick you.....stay strong...Iknow people who have quit the hardest addictions and they say smokes is the toughest.......Keep up the quit..!!!!....kd

[Gwenivere]

I’m now at day 15.  Being sick thru this sucks.  But one thing I do know is I never want to do this again.  That’s what keeps me going.  Well, that, patches and lozenges.  No one told me it actually can be harder to breathe thru this even if not sick. I don’t care about nicotine right now, tho I am getting less than smoking so I still have withdrawal.  Can’t really imagine lighting a cig anymore.  My ashtray is a tradition for crackers for my dogs in the morning.  I haven’t even seen my leftover cigs in all his time.  They are in a drawer I haven’t opened as I did only to get one.  Thanks for the support!  I’m sooooo tired.   This is when I miss Steve to do the little things like feed the dogs or put out the trash.  Butt"...........🤪

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 But one thing I do know is I never want to do this again.  That’s what keeps me going.

That sounds good incentive!  It truly does sound torture.  My sister didn't seem to have so much struggle with it when she was off it for a month, but that's because she was in so much pain I think it took her mind off it, so much so she was suicidal...either that or perhaps she had her mind on when she could go home and smoke again.  She never made up HER mind to quit, this was forced on her, and unless one wants to, I don't see how they can quit.  It's not something someone else can put on you, it's something you have to do for yourself.  I watched my parents quit, my FIL quit, my other sister quit, my friend Jim quit, not easy!  Jim has told me he has both a repulsion to it and yet once in a while the desire to smoke, even after all these years.  It's a very strange addiction, like it goes for your jugular!  Tough it out, it'll pay off.  You're on my mind and in my prayers, I know this is a horribly tough time for you.

[kevin]

Gwen your attitude is great.......Quitting smoking is  my best decision in the  last 10 Years....My two regrets are starting and taking so long to quit.......You will start the New Year rejeuvinated..

[Gwenivere]

My quit was forced too, Kay.  Resented that at first.  Well, still kinda do, but I needed a kick in the butt!  I thinks it’s easier when you choose it for sure.  I knew it was coming tho so maybe this is better.  Smokers always find excuses.  

Thanks too, Kevin!

cant believe this is an approved emoji.....they have a strict process for choosing them I learned......🚬

[MartyT]

I was just as addicted to smoking as the next person, Gwen. I started smoking in high school because (at least in that day and age, late 1950s, early 1960s) both my parents smoked, it was considered cool by my peers, and it made me feel sophisticated and grown up. My roommate all four years in college was a smoker, too, and so was the man I later married. But like you, my quitting was forced as well. It came in the 1970s, at a time when smoking was no longer considered healthy by the nursing and medical professions, and it was frowned upon by my colleagues in social and professional gatherings. Suddenly I became very self-conscious about my smoking. It was no longer socially or professionally acceptable in the circles I was in at the time, and certainly no longer considered "cool."

My real ending came when the private-practice counseling place where I was working at the time issued a very firm policy: No smoking allowed in our building or in our individual offices, either by the staff or by our clients. I decided that if I could no longer smoke at work, how could I hold off the need or desire to do so until I got home at night? I decided I had no choice but to try to quit. I'd read somewhere that it takes three weeks to break a habit, so I told myself that for the next three weeks I'd give it my very best effort to try to quit.

As I said earlier, I opened several packs of Juicy Fruit gum and placed the sticks in the ashtray I'd always used so I could get at them as quickly as possible, and every time I felt the urge to smoke, I unwrapped and chewed a piece of gum instead ~ and I did that until the insides of my mouth were raw ~ for three weeks straight. When the three weeks were up, I knew that I had kicked the habit (having smoked at least a pack a day of Winstons, then Virginia Slims, for more than 14 years), because I no longer had the desire to smoke. I felt so liberated: free from the worry that I'd forget my pack of cigarettes and my lighter whenever I left my home. From the day I quit smoking, I've never looked back, never again craved another cigarette, and fairly soon thereafter could no longer stand the smell of cigarette or cigar smoke. I became completely intolerant of being around a smoker or being in a smoke-filled room.

I truly believe that the most important factor in quitting smoking is WANTING to quit. If you really, really want to quit (no matter what your own personal reasons for doing so may be) you will find a way to quit. If I can do it, I truly do believe that anyone else can do it, too ~ because I was just as addicted to cigarettes as anyone else can ever be. I think you just have to WANT to do it bad enough to go ahead and do it. And believe me, I do know from personal experience that it is not easy. I am pulling for you, Gwen, truly! ♥️

[Margm]

Everyone in mine and Billy's family smoked.  Mama didn't smoke while pregnant with me and I nearly killed her in childbirth at eight pounds.  My sister, she smoked the entire time and she only weighed six pounds, but she (my sister) cannot quit.  No money.  No transportation.  COPD, and she kicked her other addiction but cannot kick this one.  Mama told me never to hide it, she would buy my cigarettes.  So my friends and I slipped off up to the rodeo arena where no one was, and we all tried cigarettes.  They told me how to inhale but the pain was so bad and I really wasn't slipping around (no fun), so I decided not to try it until one more time and the same results.  They kept telling me I was doing it wrong and if it hurt any more to do this stuff "right" then I could not handle it.  I guess I was lucky.  They eventually had the habit and my poor sister cannot break the habit.  We kept thinking cigarettes would kill Mama, but my sister was still giving them to her even with the Alzheimer's at age 95.  After Billy quit smoking, my allergies went away.  Just poof, they were gone.  So surprised.  Unfortunately,  I will always believe the oral tobacco was his killer.  

[Cookie]

 

Hi all....haven't been on in a long, long time.  Partly because I can't seem to shake the sorrow of loss no matter what I do and wanted to be able to come on and have some progress to report...But, still missing John horribly.  Did get a new poodle puppy.  Had forgotten what a puppy was like and am wondering if I was in my right mind.  His name is Rio.  A slight nod to John who loved all things Mexican and I always wanted to name a pet river.  Wasn't prepared for the fact that getting a puppy would trigger me terribly.  Made me start missing John and remembering all the dogs we shared as partners.  I guess it's like everything in grief....everything seems to trigger the sorrow of loss.  He does keep me busy.  He's very loveable and cute, but a holy terror.  Wonder if I will survive this.  It's New Year's eve and very bittersweet without John.  Good wishes to all of you....

[Gwenivere]

I felt the same when I got another dog after Steve left.  Triggers abound and you’d think this would be a thrill.  But I’m so glad you have some companionship.  He’s a beautiful boy!  And yes,  pups are a LOT of work!   Feeling the big blues too on a holiday eve.  Not that we did much on this one, just emphasizes being alone.

[TomPB]

Yes, NY Eve. We'd watch the early fireworks on the Common, then have sparkling cider and a fruit tart, or maybe Susan's cookies, later. Now it's nothing. With the flu my instinct is to look forward to getting better. Now I think, so what, I'll still be without Susan. Best wishes to all, Tom🐼

[KarenK]

Cookie,

He's a cutie, for sure! Just waiting on the sidelines with mischief in mind, I'll bet. Puppies are like toddlers. Can't turn your back for a second. My daughter had cocker spaniel brothers she named Rio and Lobo(after a John Wayne movie), Ron's favorite, of course.

I'm not sure the missing ever ends.............

[Kieron]

No, it never ends.

I'm thinking of the time we stayed up til midnight on NYE and opened the bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider we'd bought to share (he was in recovery 20+ years so I always wanted to respect that milestone of his).  Unfortunately the damn bottle had spoiled, somehow, and tasted like vinegar.  The one bottle we picked turned out to be the spoiled one.  Figures!  How we laughed, at the time...

Now I got nothing to laugh about, but I am no longer bound to alcohol-free beverages, if I so choose.

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, Cookie said:

 

Hi all....haven't been on in a long, long time.  Partly because I can't seem to shake the sorrow of loss no matter what I do and wanted to be able to come on and have some progress to report...But, still missing John horribly.  Did get a new poodle puppy. 

He does keep me busy.  He's very loveable and cute, but a holy terror. 

Cookie:  What a beautiful baby boy and I love the name, Rio.  You are a brave lady to take on a puppy.  Have not been around poodles much, but understand they are a very bright breed.  Your wanting to have shaken some of the sorrow and loss of John after a long time is understood.  I really don't believe we ever shake the sorrow of loss, no matter what else comes into our lives.  But, Rio may temporarily fill up some of that time when your heart is missing John.  

You and Rio have a Blessed New Year.  Dee 

[kayc]

Cookie,

Your baby is beautiful and I know all too well how hard the puppy stage is, not sure I could do "puppy" again, maybe adopt an older dog, but then you don't get to train them the way you want to...My Arlie is the best boy in the world, he's perfect for me, but when he was a puppy, oh my!  And I didn't even get him until he was almost a year old!  The first year I had him he literally chewed everything, all of my furniture, the trim on my house, my mattress, not to mention his doghouse, toys, harness, bed, etc.  Countless shoes.  My favorite dress.  George's dream catcher that was near the ceiling, still don't know how he reached it.  100 handmade cards I was selling.  A book called Boundaries, the irony did not escape me.  Alas these are all just things, he has provided me with companionship nearly ten years now, and I don't know how I'd get by without him.  We've walked together twice a day every day, even when my right arm was broken.  I love that boy, and you'll grow to feel that way about Rio too.  All of the animals I had when George was alive are now gone...he never met the ones I have now.  These changes are all so hard.

[Cookie]

So nice and comforting to hear from all of you....I am happy to have him; he is so lovable; I think it does hurt that I'm not sharing this new boy with John like we always shared our dogs.  We also walk twice a day...he's quite a walker, thank goodness.  If you can believe it, I still can't imagine a future without John, though.  I sometimes think I really did go crazy with grief...still just going day to day; no plans to make or look forward to.  I think the pup is a good thing, though.....

[Cookie]

18 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Cookie:  What a beautiful baby boy and I love the name, Rio.  You are a brave lady to take on a puppy.  Have not been around poodles much, but understand they are a very bright breed.  Your wanting to have shaken some of the sorrow and loss of John after a long time is understood.  I really don't believe we ever shake the sorrow of loss, no matter what else comes into our lives.  But, Rio may temporarily fill up some of that time when your heart is missing John.  

You and Rio have a Blessed New Year.  Dee 

Dee:  They are very bright, but many dogs are; I think what I notice is that they are very interpersonal.  You can see it in their eyes.  That's what I'm hooked on.  They seem so interested in their owners, everything you say and do.....had a little trouble at first comparing him to Olive and Ranger, but realized what I was doing and was able to see I was just missing the other two.  Rio is his own guy and quite a personality.  Good wishes to you.....Cookie

[Cookie]

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

Cookie,

He's a cutie, for sure! Just waiting on the sidelines with mischief in mind, I'll bet. Puppies are like toddlers. Can't turn your back for a second. My daughter had cocker spaniel brothers she named Rio and Lobo(after a John Wayne movie), Ron's favorite, of course.

I'm not sure the missing ever ends.............

KarenK:  Yes, lots of mischief on his mind and being acted out!  Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking, but I know he will grow up, probably faster than I would like...those mouths are unbelievable!

[Cookie]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Cookie,

Your baby is beautiful and I know all too well how hard the puppy stage is, not sure I could do "puppy" again, maybe adopt an older dog, but then you don't get to train them the way you want to...My Arlie is the best boy in the world, he's perfect for me, but when he was a puppy, oh my!  And I didn't even get him until he was almost a year old!  The first year I had him he literally chewed everything, all of my furniture, the trim on my house, my mattress, not to mention his doghouse, toys, harness, bed, etc.  Countless shoes.  My favorite dress.  George's dream catcher that was near the ceiling, still don't know how he reached it.  100 handmade cards I was selling.  A book called Boundaries, the irony did not escape me.  Alas these are all just things, he has provided me with companionship nearly ten years now, and I don't know how I'd get by without him.  We've walked together twice a day every day, even when my right arm was broken.  I love that boy, and you'll grow to feel that way about Rio too.  All of the animals I had when George was alive are now gone...he never met the ones I have now.  These changes are all so hard.

Boy, you really went through it!  My house looks like a Zen den...nothing in it now.  I have moved everything because it's all at risk.....I'm sure he'll find something, though.....

[Margm]

I am quite sure I am certifiable Cookie, but have been even before I lost Billy.  A supervisor once told me that I was crazy, but in a good way.  Billy once asked me if I worried about his "facilities" and I look back now and think possibly he was seeing changes in his mentality.  He did have the aneurysm that was old at the base of his brain and perhaps he felt something that scared him.  I never knew him to be afraid of anything.  He would reach down and pick up a snake (in the dark), he would stand at the door with tornado warnings in our direct area, door open.  Maybe he did not want to show me he was afraid.  He did develop road rage, which was new.  I told him I never worried about his "facilities" but might worry about his faculties.  

My daughter has a small poodle.  They are supposed to be so intelligent.  She has a picture of her in her red sweater looking out the car window.  I told Brianna that was my granddog.  My granddaughter said "no, she is another granddaughter, she thinks she is human."  She does.  You can talk to her.  Kelli has her saying "mama" and she acts like she understands everything you say.  She does have separation anxiety if Kelli is away from her for any length of time.  Really intelligent pups and beautiful also.  Won't be long until he is "grown."  

[Gwenivere]

I have a magnet on my fridge that says.....a house is not a home without a dog.  I couldn’t agree more.  New members of the family always make me forget the work it is.  I’ll never have another puppy and that’s something I never thought of.  Just can’t do it physically.  Older dogs take time to integrate.  Stuff that was so easy way back when and together with our partner.  I miss saying 'where’s your dad?' And have them scamper off to find him.  I miss being called 'mom' and them looking for me.  Basically, I miss being a family,  another year comes.  I was eating lunch looking out the window as always and realized I see nothing out there anymore.  

I was trying to replace a ceiling fan bulb before dinner.  The bulb broke off and fell on the floor.  Had to use pliers to get the base out..  Stepping back I knocked over the dogs large water bowl.  Clean up took forever between water and glass.  Another dad job he would have taken over and not had a disaster.  Spent the afternoon getting my iPad tuned up of problems.  If this is ANY indication of 2019.....lets just say I’d like to get stinking drunk right now.  At least I’d have a good reason for feeling like crap in the morning.  

Sorry,  Cookie, didn’t mean to derail your thread about your new baby.  What is his name and how old is he?  Looks adorable in the picture. So do my heathens.  🐩

[TomPB]

On 12/31/2018 at 10:31 PM, Kieron said:

No, it never ends.

I'm thinking of the time we stayed up til midnight on NYE and opened the bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider we'd bought to share (he was in recovery 20+ years so I always wanted to respect that milestone of his).  Unfortunately the damn bottle had spoiled, somehow, and tasted like vinegar.  The one bottle we picked turned out to be the spoiled one.  Figures!  How we laughed, at the time...

Now I got nothing to laugh about, but I am no longer bound to alcohol-free beverages, if I so choose.

27 years for me. Sparkling cider was our go-to holiday beverage. 

Pot shops in MA now. I'm intrigued by edibles. Gummy Bears, hmmmm. But I don't think so.