Solitary Grief

[Gwenivere]

Today is our 36th wedding anniversary.  I had totally forgotten except my counselor asked what day in January it was.  Now I’m kinda angry that happened.  None of my feelings have waned in the slightest about Steve, if anything they are stronger.  I’m just so sick of dates that essentially mean nothing but pain now.  I have not been able to turn them into reflective times that make me grateful I have yet.  If that comes I will surely feel differently about them.  Now they are days I/we do nothing together and the new memory is being alone like every other day.  Being a creature of habit, I take the same route to the pharmacy own the card aisle.  Might as well have put a neon sign over the anniversary cards.  I’m not myself as it is as I just dropped nicotine patch levels down a step.  My back is reacting to my stubbornness at doing too much.  Each day is a physical struggle.  Yup, I could have gotten by just dandy in my forgetfulness as I would.have remembered eventually, on my own.  It’s not a special day anymore.  Never will be.  Just racks up another year he has been MIA.  The love we had for each other is what truly matters.  

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Today is our 36th wedding anniversary.  I had totally forgotten except my counselor asked what day in January it was. 

Gwen:  These days can be so painful.  Again, please know you are in my thoughts as you deal with your health issues.  You are too young to have to go through this. 

I don't try to forget these special days, but I try to convince myself, it is now just another day, not that special day it used to be.   Just like holidays, etc.  Just another day.  Take care.  Dee

[kayc]

It's always hard to know how to handle those anniversaries, I don't count them but I do notice when it's that day, if we could forget them it'd be easier to get through.  I'm sorry your counselor brought it up.    I do remember our wedding day and will always be grateful we had that for as long as it did last...

[Gwenivere]

I have lost none of the memories.  Just tired of these significant days that grind in there will be more memories.  Like Widow said, it’s just another day.  Every day is, I don’t need the special attachment to it anymore.  It’s like pouring salt on the wound.  

[mlg]

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  I haven't been here in a while so I read a couple of your posts and some of them sound so much like me.  My 5th year was my worst and I felt like I was falling in a hole that I wasn't so sure I would get out of.  I finally had to start medication and don't be afraid to do this if you aren't on some. It really helps manage a day.  I didn't see if you had worked before Steve got sick or not. It doesn't sound like you are working now.  I don't know how big a town you are from but one good  thing I did for myself was I joined a water aerobics class at the Y.  I did it because I have a  a lot of arthritis  and thought the water would help and it does but also I am a people person and needed some interaction.  This was one of the best things I did for myself.  We even go out to eat together once in a while.  I won't bother you with anything else until I get to know you a little better.