shebert56 Posted November 22, 2018 Report Share Posted November 22, 2018 An excerpt from "It's OK That You're Not OK" I find profound: "My fellow widowed people, my fellow grievers, the other broken hearts - together we knit a story of survival inside pain that can't be fixed. And we did it, simply, by telling the truth. We accepted the immoveable reality of loss. We stayed by each other inside it. We acknowledged each other's truth. That's the power of acknowledgement: it comes up beside pain as a companion, not a solution. That's how we get through this, side by side with other devastated, broken-hearted people. Not trying to fix it. Not trying to pretty it up. But by telling the truth, and by having that truth witnessed, acknowledged, heard." I acknowledge all of you and hear your pain and your truth. Hugs, Shirley 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 22, 2018 Report Share Posted November 22, 2018 Excellent quote. If only it could resonate to those not in our shoes. I’m so tired of the time making it harder and harder to not talk about it out there. I’ve lived in pain for years, but others will never get it and. That makes it even harder. It is a companion now. At counseling I often find myself saying.... what else can I say I haven’t already? It’s just repetitive despair I live with every day. Years of it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 23, 2018 Report Share Posted November 23, 2018 I only know George would not have wanted this for me, he would be greatly concerned...it's something we live with, grapple with, and try to make the best of. But it's always there. My pastor quotes from Megan Devine a lot. Sometimes I think we should just acknowledge where people are at rather than trying to talk them out of it. I spent time with my daughter yesterday, she still loves her husband, she is confused and overwhelmed, I told her all of her feelings are valid, even when in contradiction with each other, sometimes it takes a long time to come to the answer of what one should do but she'll recognize it when it comes to her. She has one friend who supports her no matter what and another that refuses to talk about it. She's beginning to realize she can't rely on that one because she's wishy-washy and changes like the tide. She still accepts her as her friend in her limited capacity, she's learning the lesson we've learned, that there's different kinds of friends we can turn to in different amounts and ways, all for their season. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 23, 2018 Report Share Posted November 23, 2018 There’s a line in John Mellancamps song Jack & Diane that has stuck with me for years. life goes on, long after the thril of living is gone. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted November 24, 2018 Report Share Posted November 24, 2018 On 11/22/2018 at 4:27 PM, Gwenivere said: Excellent quote. If only it could resonate to those not in our shoes. I’m so tired of the time making it harder and harder to not talk about it out there. I’ve lived in pain for years, but others will never get it and. That makes it even harder. It is a companion now. At counseling I often find myself saying.... what else can I say I haven’t already? It’s just repetitive despair I live with every day. Years of it. Don't have a session with my shrink now where I don't say "I'm just repeating myself, I have nothing new to say" - and he always says repeating is OK. Well, maybe up to a point... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 24, 2018 Report Share Posted November 24, 2018 I seem to stuck in a huge rut in counseling. I bring in new things, but they are just more problems. We can’t seem to get anywhere on getting the main engine going again. Probably the time of year, all that warm, cuddly holiday feelings (yeH, right), the darkness and cold of winter and my raging zombie mind from quitting smoking....mostly. I’m acutely aware of the Christmas sings now dominating everywhere. I couldn’t even escape them in the bathrooom at the docs office today, now that’s intrusive! Yesterday was so hard to deal with as just another day as I ate my burger. But yeah, like you, Tom, I just repeat the same crap and the counselors get paid to listen. They know better than to make suggestions unless I ask for them. We know the main problem, just can’t get it running that helps right now. I can’t say I dread going, but now it more for the killing some of the excessive amount of free time I have and cry. I am trying to figure out why I can’t cry at home much. Just doesn’t help much being alone. I need to be with someone to hear me. I withering inside without human contact. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 24, 2018 Report Share Posted November 24, 2018 On 11/22/2018 at 1:27 PM, Gwenivere said: It is a companion now. Funny you say that about pain, I've said that about grief for years. I guess pain is pain whether grief or physical, they differ but the learning to live with them is kind of similar. Physical pain is damned hard to live with, my sister felt suicidal from hers this year. I've never known that kind of physical pain, I have pain I live with but not to that level. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kieron Posted November 24, 2018 Report Share Posted November 24, 2018 These last few comments remind me of a song with a lyric fragment that has never left me. It was written to memorialize someone who had grown up way too soon and died alone. The song is "Boy Blue" by Cyndi Lauper and the fragment I think of is this: "And when we wake up old beyond our years, Not quite as brave as we seem, It's just the pain that never disappears." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 24, 2018 Report Share Posted November 24, 2018 Living with constant pain can make you want to do anything to stop it. I’m sitting now in a position that feels OK, but as soon as I get up I will be in agony. And it will be that way the rest of the day on my feet, standing, walking or sleeping. If either sleeping or moving would be liveable it would make all the difference in the world. I have thought f ways out, it gets that bad. My only option is surgery which of the spine scares the beejeezus out of me much less the months long recovery with no guarantee it will work. No motivation either as I will still be stuck in this emptiness. Now I can’t breathe well either. I’m just taking up space is how it makes me feel when you enjoy nothing. Tomorrow is my bday. Gotten a couple cards, but not the gift that was taken from me and will never be returned. Real insult to injury. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widow'15 Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 4 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Living with constant pain can make you want to do anything to stop it. My only option is surgery which of the spine scares the beejeezus out of me much less the months long recovery with no guarantee it will work. Tomorrow is my bday. Gotten a couple cards, but not the gift that was taken from me and will never be returned. Gwen: I won't wish you a Happy Birthday, but I will wish you Birthday Wishes that you have a decent day tomorrow and maybe find a short period of time when you aren't in physical pain. I sympathize with you and your never ending pain. My daughter suffers with chronic back pain. She has had two back surgeries and every kind of pain medication to enable her to live her pain filled life. She has a friend that has a pain pump. Would this be something that might give you relief? I had never heard of it. Birthday Wishes - Dee 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 Best Bday wishes Gwen ❤️🐼 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 After my sister's surgery, I was scared to death I'd lose her and she'd never come back from this, but she's making progress, slow as it is. She couldn't have done this without her husband and it makes me wonder, what if that was one of us? We have no one to stand in. Gwen, I hope you have a good birthday, like Dee said, some time w/o pain would be nice! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 Gwen, Wishing you peace and a pain free day for your birthday and every day. Sending love, hugs, warmth and sunshine across the miles. Karen 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 We are remembering you on this special day, dear Gwen, and sending healing thoughts to you. ♥️ 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 Like Dee said, I won't wish you a "Happy" birthday, as I know that is not possible without your love, but I am sending you all my love and wishes for a birthday. Hugs 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 Gwen, Hope your birthday is relatively pain free. Sending you hugs and good wishes. Gin 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 On 11/22/2018 at 3:27 PM, Gwenivere said: others will never get it Yes they will "get it" in some shape, form or fashion. It is like my neighbor Shirley. She and her husband live here. They want to go back to Texas as they need help from relatives. He is big and can hardly get around. He is not fat, he just seems he would have made a good linebacker in the pro's. She is tiny and has a heart defect. Between the two of them they need in assisted living, but not sure the money will let them. The ambulance has been out a few times for her and her heart and then on top of that she got neck cancer, up into her jawbone. She is such a little fighter. She had the treatments for the cancer and right before Thanksgiving had the scan for the cancer. Of course she had to wait until after Thanksgiving for the results. But, I heard her talking to another neighbor and had to join in. Scans were cancer free. Of course she has some malfunctions from the radiation that are permanent. She said she could live with them. And, she manages with a sick husband most of the time. I was told the man who sits at his wife's grave in a lawn chair, in the summertime he brings an umbrella. I certainly would never try talking again with those that "don't get it." In fact, right now for the holidays, even before he lost his dad, my son has that black dog of depression sitting right in his lap 24/7, and I'm worried. I mourned my dad, but he was never the dad Billy was. Billy was pure love. All those people that don't "get it," unfortunately eventually they will. I think I have become cynical. It is hard to find something that does not say "happy" on it. I sincerely hope you have a pain-free birthday Gwen. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 25, 2018 Report Share Posted November 25, 2018 Thanks everyone. I don’t know what to do today besides errands and the pain decided not to take a day off. Maybe that is good because I would then know how bad it really is. You know what I miss? That magical feeling this is your day. Mom, dad, friends, spouses we took for granted would always be there. I’m truly touched by all the posts and private mail. I woke up thinking only a couple people would remember, so this was a great surprise! I love the flowers because their the low maintenance kind. 🌹 Now, the cupcakes......created a craving there! love ya all! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 26, 2018 Report Share Posted November 26, 2018 I had a hard time googling something because I couldn't think of the word gif (I hope I'm not in early dementia!) all I could think of was happy birthday, so even though I know you feel happy is past, I wish for you a pain free day, a brief respite from pain and troubles would be nice. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kieron Posted November 27, 2018 Report Share Posted November 27, 2018 On 11/25/2018 at 2:07 PM, Marg M said: pain-free birthday Now that's a sentiment we can all get behind! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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