I don't know what to do.

[captjack8642]

My wife died on Nov 17. I am completely lost...I can't make it real. I still hear her. Oh God help me.

[Gin]

So very sorry.  We all know here how very hard it is to lose the one most prescious to you.  When you are up to sharing, feel free to come here.  We have all been there and understand.  Gin

[Kieron]

I am so sorry.  The tearing pain is the worst in these days and weeks and months immediately after.  It really feels like having been torn in half, ripped out of the ground like a deeply-rooted plant and left to slowly wither.  😟 We understand all too well.

[captjack8642]

1 minute ago, Kieron said:

I am so sorry.  The tearing pain is the worst in these days and weeks and months immediately after.  It really feels like having been torn in half, ripped out of the ground like a deeply-rooted plant and left to slowly wither.  😟 We understand all too well.

 

[Gwenivere]

You’re trapped In an emotional tornado right now, it being barely.10 days.  Nothing makes sense and the shock is more than overwhelming.  As you can, I hope you will tell us more about yourself and wife.  No, it doesn’t feel real.  None of us felt it could possibly be real.  I’m so very sorry you are here.  

[widow'15]

53 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You’re trapped In an emotional tornado right now, it being barely.10 days.  Nothing makes sense and the shock is more than overwhelming.  As you can, I hope you will tell us more about yourself and wife.  No, it doesn’t feel real.  None of us felt it could possibly be real.  I’m so very sorry you are here.  

Very well said Gwen.  So very sorry for your recent loss CaptJack8642.  Dee 

[shebert56]

Jack, I am so sorry for your loss.  We've all been where you are now, so we feel you.  We feel it intimately.  

I remember joining, then finding it way too painful to read posts here, in the early days.  However, this group is now a godsend for me.

Reach out to us, day or night.  Come back to read, vent, cry, scream - we validate your grief and are living it with you.

Hugs,

Shirley

 

[kayc]

@captjack8642  We're here for you, we're listening...we've all been through it, we know the shock, the pain, the anxiety, the sleepless nights.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could survive a week without my George, let alone the rest of my life.  He had just turned 51, we were supposed to grow old together!  Now it's 13 years later and somehow I'm doing it.  I made a list of tips that have helped me, you may not relate to all of them, but it helps to print them out and read it every few months because this is a journey that is ever evolving, and what doesn't relate to you now may at some point on down the road.  The best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time.

We'll be here for you as long as you want us to.  It helps to post your thoughts/feelings, it's validating to know you're heard and understood. 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Amy Mcleod]

It has been 1 month today that my 43 yr old husband was taken from me in a motorcycle wreck . It has been 30 days of agonizing pain . There have been times i didn't think i could live through this much pain but here i am 30 days later a 41 yr old widow . I have began to accept the fact he now lives in my heart not our house but i have yet to remove any of his belongings . I also don't no what to do . I take each day min by min .... because thats all you can do . I am so sorry for your loss i to know the price of that loss.

Praying for you,

Amy

[captjack8642]

+Tthanks for the advice...I am just so lost .I can't see any thing over the blackness in front of me.

[Jame]

I am so sorry...I wish I had words that would take the pain away but there are none.  It has been a little over 4 months since my husband died and it is still surreal.  Your post tore at my heart...those first days are excruciating.  Just take it minute by minute and don't forget to breathe.  Although I have not posted on here before, I have read many, many posts...the people here are caring and truly understand. Keep reaching out....

Hugs to you

 

[Margm]

On 11/26/2018 at 5:28 PM, captjack8642 said:

I am completely lost

So have we all been, so still we are sometimes, many times, too often.   Nothing I can say to help, nothing any of us can say except keep reading, keep coming back.  I found this place three days after Billy left.  I cannot go through all the things I planned, all the things I just wanted to be gone also.  I'm not saying this right.  Some times I get on a tear and will fill up a whole page.  Please know you are among people that have felt and sometimes still feel what you are feeling.

I've mentioned "him" before, but often I see a man sitting by his wife's grave in his lawn chair.  In summer he brings an umbrella to ward off the sun.  He was married 61 years.  I just hugged him and told him I understood, and I will not stop again.  This is his time with his wife, and if I try to talk to him I might interrupt something he has grown accustomed to.  

I'm getting too wordy.  Please come back and read, and let your own feelings come out.  We-do-understand. 

[kayc]

@Jame  I am sorry for your loss.  Your advice is spot on, "Don't forget to breathe", honestly, this is the hardest thing I've ever endured.  I never thought it possible to adjust to something like this, but our bodies truly are quite amazing.  It takes time though, more than I can say, and the effort we expend into our grief journey aids us...reading books, articles, journaling, coming here, reading & posting, grief counseling, grief support groups (when ready), finding that new way to incorporate them into our lives (whether lighting candles, talking to them, learning to carry them in our hearts, etc.).  You are very welcome here...sometimes I forget there are people out there reading our posts besides the little group of people here posting...we feel like friends/family, stopping in to talk every day, it always catches me by surprise to learn there are others reading but not posting.  We welcome anyone to join in...I know, not the place you ever wanted to be, but since here, we want to say this is a safe caring place that is inclusive of you.

[kayc]

@Amy Mcleod  You can take all the time you want with his belongings...or not move them at all.  It is what YOU want to do and when you are ready.  They can sit right where they are for ten years or the rest of your life!  Some remove them right away (my mom did right after my dad's funeral) although I don't recommend getting rid of everything...my sister knew someone who cleared his house of all of his wife's belongings because it hurt him to see them...then when they were gone, it was too late, he couldn't have anything back to hold onto.  We all handle this differently, so to do a permanent action like that so extensively, it can come back to bite us.  Most don't though, most take their time and do their purging little by little as it comes to them what they'd want us to do with them (who to give what to, where to donate).  In my instance, my husband's closet rod broke and all his clothes dumped on the floor, forcing me to do something with them.  I folded them all, boxed them up, and put them on the far side of the bedroom, then cut another rod for the closet.  The next month it came to me where to give them to, I knew it was where he'd want them to go...to Sponsors, a place that helps former inmates readjust to society.  They leave prison with the clothes on their back and nothing else.  Most of their families are out of the picture, friends long gone or not good for their readjustment anyway.  My George was always about helping those down and out, he often gave homeless people rides to town, paid them to do a chore, listened to them, or otherwise helped them.  It was truly amazing...at his funeral was the mayor and other local politicians, along with homeless, etc.  What a wide array of people he'd touched!

But I digress...

[kayc]

18 hours ago, captjack8642 said:

+Tthanks for the advice...I am just so lost .I can't see any thing over the blackness in front of me.

That says a lot about where you are on your journey, the pain, the feeling hopeless.  You will find your way, but it takes time for the fog to clear.  We're here for you, meanwhile, to sit with you, to listen when you're ready...

[Kieron]

5 minutes ago, kayc said:

The next month it came to me where to give them to, I knew it was where he'd want them to go...to Sponsors, a place that helps former inmates readjust to society.... My George was always about helping those down and out,

George sounds like quite a gem.  That's how Mark was as well.  Being a big man himself, these clothes of his will fit other big men who are hard to fit comfortably, who need to look decent for a job interview or to qualify for a loan or whatever.  I just need to let them go out into the world. 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Amy, Kay’s right.  Belongings are a personal thing and while they may cause pain now, you may want them later.  I only removed all the medical crap from his illness, pills, catheters and every picture taken of him in his final years because I never wanted to see what the disease did to him, kept all others like the one I use here.   I pretty much stuck to the give it a year adage for bigger decisions even tho I knew what some would eventually be.  I did move framed pictures a bit so they weren’t so in my face everyday, like pushing them back more out of sight until I could handle seeing them.

[kayc]

I removed anything to do with his job, I felt they contributed to his death.  Pictures were taken down as they caused me pain, then put up, down, up, finally up to stay.  

[TomPB]

I gave away most of Susan's clothes last summer, keeping only what held special memories - which turned out to be quite a bit. Just recently I gave hats, scarves, gloves and sweaters to Rosie's place for homeless women in Boston. Susan knitted some of them.  I get very mixed feelings - it's a good thing to do, and every item has memories and hammers home that she's gone. Walking down our street with this bag of clothes, her purple earmuffs were on top. Looking at them I remembered how much she liked to wear them and how cute she looked and almost started crying.

[Margm]

I'm going to take what I wrote down.  This is about Grief in the first degree.  I should have paid more attention.  I'm sorry.  I think that is the most pain I have ever been in.  No physical pain, and I've had ruptured colon with sepsis from the most radiation a person can safely have for cancer.  None of that pain compares to the mental anguish of losing your mate.   

 

 

 

 

 

[Margm]

I have the huge expandable "important" paper boxes, 3-4 of them sitting in the bathroom closet.  I have not had to open them in years and years.  It has been three years since Billy "left" and those boxes scare me.  I have no idea why.  Am I the only one who hates mail (unless it has money in it)?  That is 54 years of papers, old mail, unnecessary junk.  I am an eccentric person.

[KarenK]

Marg,

You are a "hoot" and I say that with a ton of love. Not many of us have a generator sitting in our dining room.  lol  A lot of folks have toys for the grandkids littering their family room. Around here it's dog bones and dog toys. Just can't get those darn dogs to clean up after themselves.

Most of Ron's things have been donated or sold out of necessity. Still have a lot of tools and fishing and hunting stuff which are my son's now and some collectibles which I kept. It no longer hurts to look at them. Time marches on and I guess we must march with it or be trampled.

[Gwenivere]

Marg, if you haven’t needed anything in those boxes by now, you probably never will.  There are stacks of stuff on his shelves gathering dust.  I only keep what is relevant now.  

A generator in the house?  Wow.  That’s truly unique!  🙂

[kayc]

17 hours ago, KarenK said:

Not many of us have a generator sitting in our dining room.

They're actually not uncommon around here, the electricity goes out often enough.  I hear about houses burning down all the time from them not being hooked up properly.  Since I don't know enough about them, I don't use one.  George and I had one for camping but it got stolen.  It was too heavy for me to lug around though.