My Mommy

[shubom]

I just found out the cause of my mother’s death. In Jan she went to sleep and never woke up. We found out that she died of natural causes, the papers mentioned something such as vascular disease and maybe her heart. But nothing major contributed to it. She just died. She was only 56 yrs old and I miss her so much. When I first heard the news, I felt a sense of relief that I finally knew what caused her death. I felt like I can now close that chapter in my life, and move on. And also I felt that no matter what, I couldn’t have done nothing to help her. She died quickly. But then a few moments later, I became extremely sad. It’s like I lost her all over again! And I REALLY couldn’t do anything to help her ! She’s really gone! I feel so hurt right now, I can’t even think straight.

Last night I had a dream, and when I woke up, I turned over and said “I miss my mom”, and then started to cry. But then, my aunt who’s sleeping on the other side of the room heard me and said, “I know sweetie, we miss her too.” I was shocked someone said something, and sat up?! And that moment, I realized what I said, and was shocked that I said it out loud. I stopped crying because someone was listening me. Sometimes I try not to reveal my feelings to people, because they have a tendency to step on them or use it against me or they just really don't care as much as I do. But I’m glad my aunt didn’t think it was weird what I said. But then I spend all night trying to figure out what I dreamed about to make me blurt my deepest emotion and hurt out loud !

Gosh I miss her so much……I can’t stop crying…….

[shell]

Shubom,

You poor little thing....I feel your loss so much and how lost you feel. But it does sound like your aunt understands. Is she supportive? I sure hope so. Like you said, at least you know the cause of your moms death now and that it was something you could not have done anything about. But that only helps marginally, I know. And remember, its ok to cry.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

You know, it is OK to cry. I don't care anymore. I cried today. Granted, I was alone and in the cemetary, but I still felt better afterwards. They say that tears of mourning are chemically different that the other kinds, and the chemistry is close to some kind of hormone or neurotransmitter, or whatever stuff besides blood that flows thru our brains and is responsible for stress reduction.

The more you grieve, the more your capacity for love.

So I no longer feel strange when I cry. I still don't do it outside the car, cemetary or the place I live, but I no longer restrain it.

[shell]

Paul, and Shubom,

"The more you grieve, the more your capacity for love".....wow, I love that. And I think it is definitely true. Most of the people I've known who seemed to take their parent,or parents, deaths with ease were also very selfish, rather cold people. They were the type whose only capacity for love was for themselves.

And as far as crying.....CRY, CRY, and CRY some more!!!!! It is definitely a stress reliever and most helpful. I do it in private too, but I do it a lot. I think it is a powerful tool in this whole grief process.

Hope today is better for you.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Yeah, today is better so far. Of course, its still early.

I'm glad you liked the thing I said. Think about it... if the loved one you've lost meant so much for that months, heck, years, later you're still grieving, that just means the love you had for the person was that intense. And the love you can have for others now or in the future can be quite a lot. It doesn't mean that you're sick, or mentally unbalanced, it just means that your love has been transformed by something and you have to figure it out. Maybe by wigging out from time to time and spilling out over message boards.

To me learning that early on was a great help. It also is a reason why I'm distanced from the family, things seem to have moved on for them, and not for me. Anyway, enuff about them .

Take care.

Hi shubom! RUOK?

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

My mom died in Las Vegas in April of 2005 while we were on vacation.. At first and for the longest time we were not told how she died.. After we got home and received the death certificate and saw that she actually died of a diabetic coma... that was weird because none of us knew she was diabetic.. Other factors to her death was kidney failure, septic shock, and heart failure... I hope that no one has to go through what I had to not knowing for the longest time how one of your loved ones died.. Take care and God Bless you All Shelley