Grief vis a vis "Actions Speak Louder than Words"

[Blue Captain]

My brother learned the meaning of "actions speak louder than words" from a story and now he's confused about Dad's love for him. I explained that Dad is sad about Mom and he's not up to giving hugs or hanging out yet. "But you do," the little man counters. Then he tells me that his friend's Dad gives hugs, tell stories at bedtime and plays with them (during sleepovers). "And actions speak louder than words," he finishes.

How do I proceed from here? From his point of view my verbal assurance that Dad loves us is not proven by Dad's actions.

[kayc]

He's learning hard things.  Perhaps in time he'll also learn to temper it with some people can love you but fall short of what you need.  You're not responsible for his view of his dad, just as he isn't responsible for yours, you are both forming your opinions by what you see.  You've tried to be his protector, but we can't always protect people from hard truths.

You could perhaps point out to him that it is grief affecting your dad, and that everyone grieves differently, in their own time and way.

[MartyT]

And just like grief, how we express our love for someone differs with the individual. Just because your dad isn't skilled at demonstrating his affection does not necessarily mean that he does not love you or your brother. This saying, that actions speak louder than words, can be taken literally ~ or not. Like any saying, this one may not fit in all instances. As Gary Chapman points out in his book, The Five Love Languages, there are many different ways to express and experience love, and sometimes, if we don't speak the same language as the one who is communicating with us, the message gets lost in the translation. 

[kayc]

Absolutely!  And that book is life altering as far as bringing revelation and understanding to us of those we love...so short and simple but revealing!

[Blue Captain]

Madam KayC,

Thank you for your reply

 

Blue Captain

 

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you for your reply. I understand what you mean about the saying not taken literally. How do I explain that to a kid though?

[MartyT]

You can explain what it means to take something literally. For example, you may say "that movie was so funny we laughed our heads off" ~ but we wouldn't interpret that to mean that we actually lost our heads or that our heads came apart from our bodies. It's just a figure of speech. Some sayings are like that, and they don't always apply in every situation. Then you can explain that (as I stated above) just because your dad may not demonstrate his affection for you the way another dad does ~ by giving hugs or telling bedtime stories ~ that does not mean that your dad does not love you. People show their love in many different ways ~ and sometimes not in the ways we wish for. Point out to your brother that your dad takes care of you by going to work and earning a living so that you both have a roof over your head and food on the table. He makes sure that someone is there to take care of you when he is away. He also makes sure that you're getting a good education. Those are just some of the ways he shows his love for you ~ and there are lots of kids in this world who don't have what your brother has. Ask your brother to think of other ways your dad may show his love for both of you. Reassure him that he is loved, not only by your dad but by you as well. (That is really what he's seeking, I think ~ reassurance that he is loved ~ and you can help him see and appreciate the love that is already there for him.)

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you very much for helping.

 

With respects,

Blue Captain