Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

[Gwenivere]

Seems a lot of us are getting sick.  Another joy of winter.  I was.a guest of the ER again Friday.  

We all talk a lot about seeing (or not) our beloveds when our time comes.  Being sick and my mind addled by it has me thinking of that.  What if the vows are right.....til death do us part?  I don’t feel Steve ever, never have.  No way of knowing if he has moved on or just ceased to exist in any way.  It’s so lonely without him already.  Do I face darkness, or another plane that does not have him?  This is all rhetorical, of course.  It’s been so hard thru another bout with the holidays and now sick, watching my older dog age too, I've lost all motivation to keep plodding forward day after day.  I’m beginning to like the nights because one isn’t expected to be productive and busy.  It’s OK to sit around and take up space, which is mostly what I do.  Chores don’t fulfill me, they just have to be done or surrender to squalor.  I’m so tired of my major thought being.......where did the sense of purpose go that made life normal to be replaced with such indescribable emptiness?  How did it come.to this?  I’m just a hunched over woman beyond her years waiting to leave.  Thank gawd there is this place to 'talk'.  With no social life it’s like torture pretending anything matters.  I’ve been engaging more small talk with strangers.  Anything for contact.  My phone is always out in the afternoon, I call it my fake social life as calls are always fires to try and put out.  Mostly medical or banking or something Ike that.  My answering machine gets lots of hangups, med reminders, robo or call backs on the fires.  So rare a hi, thinking of you, stuff people do everyday and take for granted. Just like I did.  

[kayc]

Dee, your life sounds like mine, where in the Pacific Northwest do you live?  I'm in Oregon...I spend a LOT of time picking up branches in the yard and street!

Kevin, I wouldn't be outside in -4 but I understand wanting to keep up with the snow.  I usually pace myself, 1/2 hour on, 1/2 hour off, but I'm not sick!  Wrap up warmly.  I wish I was there to help!  The cold sounds like torture!  I hope you have a thick down coat!  Wrap your head and neck well!  Come in to a hot toddy!

Oh my goodness, and you, Tom?  I'm glad you have someone checking on you that cares.  

And Gwen in the ER again?  Ugh!  

Praying you all get well!  I have to work all day New Year's, and wishing I didn't have to, but it beats being sick!  I just worry my brain won't engage like I need it to.  I'm under a lot of stress right now.  Someone sent me an email on Christmas which I read night before last and in it they said they hacked my email and put malicious software on my computer a couple of months ago, trying to extort money from me, supplied me with one of my passwords, which they said was to my email...it was not, it was a password to my Lifewise health insurance that was breached in 2015 so somehow this person has that information.  I'm not on that computer now anyway, Microsoft update wrecked it, a common known error that prevents you from getting on the internet.  I took it to my son's to work on, he may have to reinstall windows again, ugh.  Anyway I spent six hours changing passwords as a precautionary measure, even though they're all different from Lifewise's. And I have something else going on that is weighing heavily on my mind, that I can't even talk about.  The stress has my blood sugar way too high. 

 

[olemisfit]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Seems a lot of us are getting sick.  Another joy of winter.  I was.a guest of the ER again Friday.  

We all talk a lot about seeing (or not) our beloveds when our time comes.  Being sick and my mind addled by it has me thinking of that.  What if the vows are right.....til death do us part?  I don’t feel Steve ever, never have.  No way of knowing if he has moved on or just ceased to exist in any way.  It’s so lonely without him already.  Do I face darkness, or another plane that does not have him?  This is all rhetorical, of course.  It’s been so hard thru another bout with the holidays and now sick, watching my older dog age too, I've lost all motivation to keep plodding forward day after day.  I’m beginning to like the nights because one isn’t expected to be productive and busy.  It’s OK to sit around and take up space, which is mostly what I do.  Chores don’t fulfill me, they just have to be done or surrender to squalor.  I’m so tired of my major thought being.......where did the sense of purpose go that made life normal to be replaced with such indescribable emptiness?  How did it come.to this?  I’m just a hunched over woman beyond her years waiting to leave.  Thank gawd there is this place to 'talk'.  With no social life it’s like torture pretending anything matters.  I’ve been engaging more small talk with strangers.  Anything for contact.  My phone is always out in the afternoon, I call it my fake social life as calls are always fires to try and put out.  Mostly medical or banking or something Ike that.  My answering machine gets lots of hangups, med reminders, robo or call backs on the fires.  So rare a hi, thinking of you, stuff people do everyday and take for granted. Just like I did.  

Gwen, here's hoping you're feeling better today. It's easy for me to understand your life as it is now because mine so closely mirrors yours. No social life. I spend about $45/month just to have a cellphone that I rarely use. I keep it going for emergency kinds of needs, but it isn't uncommon at all for me to go entire months without making or receiving calls to or from anyone one. Just those infernal robo calls that I hang up on. If somebody wants my car insurance business they should have the common decency to call me in person. No matter how starved I may be for human contact I refuse to carry on a conversation with a "robot"!

Because I retired early for caregiver reasons my income has really sucked since Cookie passed. I try not to complain about my lot in life as it is now. I walked into it voluntarily, and would do it the same way if there was a repeat button. I live in an income-based HUD apartment building. I don't allow anyone here see the "real" me. There are about 75 apartments in this bldg and counting myself there are less than a dozen males living here. Most everyone here are widows, and many have health issues. I try to limit my exposure to most of my neighbors here because they have such sour dispositions. Most of the conversations I hear when I walk thru the lobby center around 2 of them comparing their health problems. One would think it was a contest or something.  I don't mean to be judgmental of them, but I do try hard to not dwell on my situation. I walked into it voluntarily. That doesn't mean I like it, but if it's the price I must pay for being able to have those 41 years of sheer bliss (and obviously it is!) then I'm okay. When bad thoughts get the best of me I come here and talk it out of my system. I feel safe being able to do that here because everyone here "gets it". I'm always grateful for the understanding and compassion that is always available here. 

I don't look forward to tomorrow at all. New Year's Day was the day I let Cookie go. I have wondered about myself every now and then. Is there something wrong with me because of the way I re-live all these unpleasant memories? I can still remember down to the smallest of details how hard it was to get the words out of my mouth and then sign the legal paperwork so that the nurse could turn the ventilator off, for example. I don't think about any of these things for masochistic reasons. Before Cookie and I met, there was always that empty hole in me that only she could fill. I got spoiled by her filling that void. But that void is empty again, and has been for 3 years. And it always will be. 

Oh, well. Such is life. My apologies for rambling on so much.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[kayc]

Darrel, you posted the same time as me...

Could you opt for a lesser plan that wouldn't cost as much?  Or do they even have one.  My cellphone plan is $12/month, my son insists on paying for it, I was on his plan but he had to change it because my phone was so old it wouldn't go on line anymore and was reaching the point where emails and texts were spotty.  It's through Sprint.  Still having trouble with the $43 battery I bought not holding a charge long, I may have to exchange it, I've cut everything down to bare-bones so it shouldn't be using so much juice.  I too keep getting these spammer calls, annoying!

I'll be thinking of you New Year's, that has to be a hard memory...

[olemisfit]

9 minutes ago, kayc said:

Dee, your life sounds like mine, where in the Pacific Northwest do you live?  I'm in Oregon...I spend a LOT of time picking up branches in the yard and street!

Kevin, I wouldn't be outside in -4 but I understand wanting to keep up with the snow.  I usually pace myself, 1/2 hour on, 1/2 hour off, but I'm not sick!  Wrap up warmly.  I wish I was there to help!  The cold sounds like torture!  I hope you have a thick down coat!  Wrap your head and neck well!  Come in to a hot toddy!

While I was in the Air Force I was stationed at a base in North Dakota. I had never experienced winters that severe before being there. The coldest temp I experienced was -70 degrees (with the chill factor). Yeah, you read that right. _70 (fahrenheit)! Is it even possible to put on enough layers for that kind of cold?! I finally volunteered to go back to southeast Asia for another year just to get away from North Dakota. BRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

 

[kayc]

My friend spent eight years in the service in ND, he remembers the cold.  Nothing like it!

[olemisfit]

2 minutes ago, kayc said:

My friend spent eight years in the service in ND, he remembers the cold.  Nothing like it!

Those of us that weren't used to the severe winters there used to wonder if the pet stores there sold penguins to have as pets. lol

I was there for 2 years and I remember 1 snow storm being so heavy that the chow hall was TOTALLY buried in snow. Survival food was kept in the barracks storeroom for these sorts of reasons. The chow hall was closed down for about a week and we couldn't get to our cars to go anywhere. All the stories we all used to hear about how bad c rations were all were pretty much true. UGH!!!!

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, your life sounds like mine, where in the Pacific Northwest do you live?  I'm in Oregon...I spend a LOT of time picking up branches in the yard and street!

Morning kayc:  I live in Tacoma, WA - about 35 miles south of Seattle.  The fir trees in my yard - 3 big ones - are constantly dropping cones, branches, limbs, etc. and there are many more in my neighbors' yard that know no boundaries.  I try to think of them as my exercise program.   Your home in Oregon sounds as if you are more in a wooded area.  That's the kind of place my son lives about an hour away from me.  Lots more trees on larger pieces of property.  My daughter lives outside of Roseburg, OR where there are very few fir trees.  Beautiful country, tho.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Someone sent me an email on Christmas which I read night before last and in it they said they hacked my email and put malicious software on my computer a couple of months ago, trying to extort money from me, supplied me with one of my passwords, which they said was to my email.

 

Oh My Gosh:  Would not know how to survive a computer problem of this magnitude.   You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

[widow'15]

On 12/30/2018 at 8:18 PM, Gwenivere said:

I was.a guest of the ER again Friday.  

It’s been so hard thru another bout with the holidays and now sick, watching my older dog age too, I've lost all motivation to keep plodding forward day after day.  I’m beginning to like the nights because one isn’t expected to be productive and busy.  It’s OK to sit around and take up space, which is mostly what I do.  Chores don’t fulfill me, they just have to be done or surrender to squalor.  I’m so tired of my major thought being.......where did the sense of purpose go that made life normal to be replaced with such indescribable emptiness?  How did it come.to this? 

Gwen:   Less than an hour until the last minute of 2018 and I can imagine you and I are probably watching the fireworks at Seattle Center on TV.  I do hope 2019 will mean less ER visits for you and less discomfort in your back.  My heart goes out to you as you worry about your fur baby. 

Daily, I ask myself a similar question, "Why did he have to leave me?"

May you have some relief in 2019. Best Wishes.  Dee

 

[kayc]

Dee, my son used to live in Tacoma, when he was in the Air Force.  I have a lot of DF and Cedar trees, but also Madrone (they don't seem to drop their limbs), mostly I think I'm picking up DF limbs, they're old trees.  I don't bother picking up in the forest on the bottom of my property, it's mostly the front yard, but they are ever dropping.  Roseburg seems to have a lot of  deciduous trees, George was from that area and we used to love to take drives there in the fall, he had family there, I never hear from them, beautiful country though.

I didn't stay up for the ball to drop, I have to work at the church today and was hoping a good night's sleep would help my brain...not sure it did. 

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Daily, I ask myself a similar question, "Why did he have to leave me?"

May you have some relief in 2019. Best Wishes.  Dee

Thanks, Dee.  

None of them wanted to leave.  That’s the part that sparks my inner rage at having another decade or more.  I know peopledie ofall ages.  But I can only live in mine and feel robbed as it was supposed to be retirement for Steve.  One he richly deserved.  He made the most out of the 4 years battling cancer, all the while knowing he had to hurry.  Just wasnt right.

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks, Dee.  

None of them wanted to leave.  That’s the part that sparks my inner rage at having another decade or more.  I know people die of all ages.  But I can only live in mine and feel robbed as it was supposed to be retirement for Steve.  One he richly deserved.  He made the most out of the 4 years battling cancer, all the while knowing he had to hurry.  Just wasnt right.

Gwen:  I feel your anger that Steve had to leave so young, just when you two had plans to be together for your retirement.  I can't begin to understand why life turns out the way it does for some of us.  I am thankful I had my husband as long as I did, and feel at times I don't have the right to complain when I know younger couples as you and Steve had such a struggle battling his cancer.  Just know you are always in my thoughts.  Dee

[widow'15]

On 1/1/2019 at 5:22 AM, kayc said:

Dee, my son used to live in Tacoma, when he was in the Air Force.  I have a lot of DF and Cedar trees, but also Madrone (they don't seem to drop their limbs), mostly I think I'm picking up DF limbs, they're old trees.  I don't bother picking up in the forest on the bottom of my property, it's mostly the front yard, but they are ever dropping.  Roseburg seems to have a lot of  deciduous trees, George was from that area and we used to love to take drives there in the fall, he had family there, I never hear from them, beautiful country though.

I didn't stay up for the ball to drop, I have to work at the church today and was hoping a good night's sleep would help my brain...not sure it did. 

kayc:  He must have been stationed at McChord AFB.  Been there many times.  My husband was retired military.

Madrone trees are continually dropping something too.  Beautiful trees though.  I don't have any in my yard, but my neighbor has a gargantuan cedar that crowds my gargantuan fir tree in front yard.  Always something to rake up. Exercise, exercise. 

I thought I'd stay up and watch the fireworks on TV but quickly got annoyed seeing so many happy smiling faces so took my dog out in the backyard for her final walk around the yard, but she was so nervous with all the fireworks in the neighborhood, we came back inside and went to bed.  Happy New Year, LOL.  Dee

[kayc]

Yep, he was indeed.  

My Madrone trees drop leaves, but I don't get branches dropping from them.  I have one that is incredibly HUGE and have to have it trimmed back every couple of years so it doesn't grow into the house, but when the treetrimmer visits, there's a huge burn pile when he's done!  I also have a whole bunch of baby Madrones, I've told my son he can come in the fall and dig up some to plant at his house...they're hard to get going so I recommend doing more than one in the hopes of having one take root at his house.  I just love them, they are so beautiful, both the color, and seeing which way they' twist and turn as they grow.

I have so many cedar trees too.  I planted a lot of them 23 years ago and the electric company decided to take 12 of them out a year ago, it didn't make me very happy as they were NOT in the way of the lines and were stunted by virtue of where they were, they made a nice privacy hedge.  Alas, few view trees the way I do, I have a love for them, even if it does mean a LOT of picking up wind-strewn branches.  Yes, exercise indeed!

Poor doggie!  We didn't have any fireworks around here this year.  For some odd reason my dog doesn't seem scared of the noise even though he does have anxiety.  Go figure!  My last dog was a wreck when fireworks went off!

[TomPB]

On 1/1/2019 at 2:25 AM, widow'15 said:

Daily, I ask myself a similar question, "Why did he have to leave me?"

May you have some relief in 2019. Best Wishes.  Dee

 

Me too.

Someone has to go first in every loving couple. When I talked to Susan through the psychic, she said she did because she is more telepathic and could teach me how to reach out to her spirit on the other side. When I talk to her every night I say well, you're not doing a very good job. She says it's hard to get through that thick 🐼 skull.

I always tried to protect Susan and one positive thought is that by going thru this hell I'm saving her from grief world. OTOH she was so much more serene than me that I think she could handle it a lot better.

Still can't wrap my mind around going from Susan having a bad cough but apparently nothing more to her leaving this mortal world in about 10 min. From having the circle of love we'd built over 48 years in place to being alone. Thoughts like that were magnified with the flu. First time sick since being alone. I'm over flu now. Swam this AM and felt surprisingly strong. But I'll never be over losing my other half.

Best wishes to all for 2019, be it enjoying or surviving. Tom🐼

ps brother and sister also got flu over same period so pretty clear we got it our Christmas get-together. THAT's family sharing, LOL

[MartyT]

Nice to learn that you've conquered the flu and you're feeling stronger, Tom. What an awful Christmas present to share with you and your siblings! 

[kayc]

Tom, I'm glad you're on the mend but I do hope you will pace yourself and give yourself ample time to heal so you don't get any setbacks, the flu can be nasty stuff!  My daughter had it for about 1 1/2 months Christmas a year ago and couldn't even work!  

You did give me a huge chuckle (I needed that!) with Susan's retort about getting through your thick skull.  Shows she has a great sense of humor!  Kidding aside, I don't think it's easy for them to give signs, etc. at least from what I've read about it.  Not having operated without a physical body, I wouldn't know firsthand!

[widow'15]

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

Me too.

Someone has to go first in every loving couple. When I talked to Susan through the psychic, she said she did because she is more telepathic and could teach me how to reach out to her spirit on the other side. When I talk to her every night I say well, you're not doing a very good job. She says it's hard to get through that thick 🐼 skull.

I always tried to protect Susan and one positive thought is that by going thru this hell I'm saving her from grief world. OTOH she was so much more serene than me that I think she could handle it a lot better.

Still can't wrap my mind around going from Susan having a bad cough but apparently nothing more to her leaving this mortal world in about 10 min. From having the circle of love we'd built over 48 years in place to being alone. Thoughts like that were magnified with the flu. First time sick since being alone. I'm over flu now. Swam this AM and felt surprisingly strong. But I'll never be over losing my other half.

Best wishes to all for 2019, be it enjoying or surviving. Tom🐼

 

TomPB:  Good that you are over your flu and you felt well enough to get in a swim.   Luckily, or maybe not so lucky I have not yet been sick since my husband passed.  Unfortunately though, whenever my Grand kids and family are suffering a cold, etc., they know they have to stay away which makes it difficult for me.

Being "hardheaded" sometimes can be a good thing.  I think that is what drives me everyday.  My husband was also "hardheaded" but we seemed to manage a long married life of almost 51 years.  We both loved one another but we also respected each other's space.  He loved to fish; I hated it.  But, I never discouraged him to not to do what he loved.  I encouraged him like he encouraged me.  Am sure you and Susan's marriage was perfect for you two.  She may be "gently" seeping through your head without you realizing.

And, no we will never get over losing them.  Dee

[TomPB]

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Being "hardheaded" sometimes can be a good thing.  I think that is what drives me everyday.  My husband was also "hardheaded" but we seemed to manage a long married life of almost 51 years.  We both loved one another but we also respected each other's space.  He loved to fish; I hated it.  But, I never discouraged him to not to do what he loved.  I encouraged him like he encouraged me.  Am sure you and Susan's marriage was perfect for you two.  She may be "gently" seeping through your head without you realizing.

And, no we will never get over losing them.  Dee

Maybe Susan is seeping through She has been in my dreams more. I can't see her face and she's just saying some daily life thing - the other night she asked if I really wanted to wear those pants. I hope that will lead to a loving dream where I see her brilliant smile....TomPB

[widow'15]

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

Maybe Susan is seeping through She has been in my dreams more. I can't see her face and she's just saying some daily life thing - the other night she asked if I really wanted to wear those pants. I hope that will lead to a loving dream where I see her brilliant smile....TomPB

Tom PB: How nice you have dreams of Susan.  So funny you would hear her questioning your "pants".  Wish I would experience more dreams with my Bob.  Maybe I do and I just don't recall when I open my eyes.  The few dreams I have had I write down as soon as I can.  Dee

[TomPB]

On 1/6/2019 at 1:04 PM, widow'15 said:

Tom PB: How nice you have dreams of Susan.  So funny you would hear her questioning your "pants".  Wish I would experience more dreams with my Bob.  Maybe I do and I just don't recall when I open my eyes.  The few dreams I have had I write down as soon as I can.  Dee

Dee, I'm hoping for a loving dream where I see her clearly. I have to write them down, even if it means getting up when I don't want to, or they're usually gone. However a rare one is so clear I can remember without writing. Maybe as I write more I will remember better...might be happening.

Just finished my Susan meditation and realized that I remember her parent's house in VA in amazing detail, even to what food was where on the shelves, what old toys were lying around etc. Strange something can be so present in my mind when it's long gone...TomPB

[widow'15]

On 1/8/2019 at 7:09 PM, TomPB said:

Just finished my Susan meditation and realized that I remember her parent's house in VA in amazing detail, even to what food was where on the shelves, what old toys were lying around etc. Strange something can be so present in my mind when it's long gone...TomPB

TomPB:  Yes, our minds do play such tricks on us.  It is puzzling sometimes when we can recall a memory as if it was yesterday when it happened so long ago.  Your ability to recall such detail is interesting and I would think is comforting to feel as if you might still be there, when you were happier and more content with life. 

Some nights when I can't sleep I take my mind to the happiest times with our little family walking together in the woods.  I can almost hear the birds, feel the breeze rustling the leaves with our silly dog running ahead of us.  Does not feel so long ago either,  but it helps me realize how fortunate I was to have such a life once.  Sometimes, it helps the sleep to come. 

Good Dreams.  Dee

 

[kayc]

It all seems like a far away dream to me, the life that we had.  So long ago...

[Gwenivere]

I wish I could react to your post, Kay, a thousand times.  

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It all seems like a far away dream to me, the life that we had.  So long ago...

kayc and Gwen:  Maybe in my old mind/brain/whatever it is, I still haven't accepted it is really, really real.  That's how my memory plays tricks on me.  When I do realize it is real is when I can let myself get down in the dumps. 

Today as I drove my fur baby, Maddie for her fourth chemo treatment and an ultrasound, I did have good news.  The ultrasound indicated no tumors were noted.   All during the 20 minute drive to the vet hospital I kept talking to my Bob to please be with me,  and prayed to God to please let the news be good news today.  And that is all that I can ask now, is "One Day At A Time", no matter how my mind (?) works tomorrow.

Dee