It's my "Yuckie" time now

[olemisfit]

Good evening to my family here. I pray everyone is well. 

My full time pre-occupation this past week or so has been to reminisce over what I have experienced since Jan. 1st, 2016.  That was the worst day of my life. I had to make the decision to tell Cookie's doctor to turn the ventilator off, and end her misery and suffering. I know I'm not the only person that has ever had to do that. But it is the only time I have ever had to.

These past 3 years of being alone haven't been easy for me, and I honestly can't think of any way that they have been good. Without Cookie here with me I really don't see much of a reason for my still being "here". With Cookie I had a life. Without her here with me, all I have is an existence. It has been explained to me that God is keeping me alive because He isn't through using me yet. How exactly is He using me? I sure wish I knew!

I've been told that I should find some kind of way to fill all these empty hours by doing something meaningful. Or at least try to develop some friendships. But I just don't feel like I'm ready for those things. I don't know if I ever will be, but I'm not there now. There's an old saying that goes something like this: "you're not really alone if you like the person you are alone with". I reckon it's a good thing that I like myself, huh?

The day Cookie and I got married was the happiest and proudest day of my life. Not only was she good to me, but she was good for me. It was just by happenstance that she and I even met. Or maybe God putting 2 lost souls together. She was the front desk manager at a motel I had gone to, to apply for a job as their night auditor. When I walked through the lobby entrance and saw her standing behind the front desk it was (for me at least) love at first sight. I knew immediately that she was that special someone that I had been holding out for. That was in the fall of 1974. We had the proverbial whirlwind courtship. I asked her to marry me in Jan, 1975. We tied the knot on March 7, 1975. Nobody expected us to stay together very long.  But I'm inclined to think we proved them all wrong. 41 years of bliss together.  How I still miss her. Being able to give her a big ole hug, and suck face with her. Or just laying in bed together after her health started going downhill, just holding her hand while we watched TV together. Or being able to kiss her good night before going to sleep. I still miss her so very much.

So, in another day or so I will begin year #4 without Cookie. I really have nothing to look forward to without her here with me. I do look forward to her and I re-uniting when I join her in heaven. She and all the wonderful 4-legged "kids" we had over the years (15 of them if I remember the count correctly) will be waiting for me at the rainbow bridge. What a happy reunion that will be. And for that reward I will gladly continue my "one foot in front of the other" ritual.

Darrel

[Gwenivere]

I wish I could have the faith of a reunion.  That eats at me every day.  But I do relate to knowing he was the onesince I met him.  Wasnt supposed to last, night and I haven’t the energy or desire to try the social thing.   Time has a whole different meaning now.

[kayc]

I wish you could too, Gwen, it's the one thing that gets me through...it IS on faith, nothing we can "prove", but they say we're energy and energy doesn't die, just changes form, so I believe it, and I personally feel George was too vibrant to just "die", I mean I know his physical body did, but I believe his spirit still exists.  I don't  "feel" him physically, except that one time a few years ago I felt his hand on my back/shoulder area, an assurance, comfort, if ever I needed it, it was that moment, but I can't conjure him up whenever I want to, it's beyond my control.  I think a great deal of our hope comes through faith, kind of like believing in something we can't see or control but still knowing it's there.  I think it helps to look at videos of the stars and universes, it's so beyond my ability to grasp, so infinite in it's reach, it makes me feel small but also a part of something so much bigger, it has a comforting affect on me.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I've been told that I should find some kind of way to fill all these empty hours by doing something meaningful. Or at least try to develop some friendships. But I just don't feel like I'm ready for those things. I don't know if I ever will be, but I'm not there now.

You'll get there if and when you're ready, Darrel.  I love your humor about liking the person you're with...yes, I guess it's a good thing you like yourself!  

 

[shebert56]

I don't doubt there is a reunion ahead.  I don't doubt that Stephen is still with me.   I miss his physical presence horribly, but my soul knows.

I arrived home yesterday after a two-week trip to spend holidays with family.  I was absolutely stricken by grief coming home to a house without Stephen.  This grief was as intense as the day he left.  

I went outdoors at one point.  When I came back in, my computer was at the start screen with Stephen's name up.  This has happened for no known reason a few times recently.  I know with all the faith that I have, that he was telling me he's here.  It didn't remove the grief, but softened it.

I am only four months into my journey.  I try to find at least one good moment in every day.  The only path for me is forward.

My love to you all, my online family.

~Shirley

[mlg]

This is odd and I hope I don't make things worse but since Darrell's love was Cookie I hope is doesn't hurt when I say Darrell and Cookie (referring to the other contributor)

I haven't seen anything that makes me believe that you have children, do you?  If so are they physically or emotionally close to you?  I can't tell you it gets better because it just was 11 years for me and some days it is like it was yesterday.  Since none of us on here really knows the other person it is hard for a long time to try to figure out what to say.  Sometimes it just takes going through things 2,3,4 times to get it anywhere near right.  I had read several of the  posts about Thanksgiving and this year I think I finally got it right for me.  At first  I was invited to my youngest daughter's in laws but there were some of them that made me feel like I was butting in so I decided that wasn't for me.Then I stayed home. Then my older daughter asked me to come to her inlaw's dinner. It was nice and people didn't make me feel like I was butting in but I just didn't have much to talk to them about because I really don't know them well or what they do and things they like. I just couldn't participate in things.

This year I decided just to stay home and got myself a small turkey roast, made mashed potatoes , slaw and cranberry sauce. After lunch I sat and binged on Hallmark movies and about 5 a friend called and asked me to come play games at her daughters.  On the way home I stopped by my youngest daughters for a minute.  It was the best Thanksgiving I've had in 10 years.  So hopefully eventually you will find your nitch too.  It just takes time and it's different for all of us.  Just don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Shirley, 

You are just beginning this journey.  Take all the time you need, whether it be minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day.  Make it your own speed and if you have to back up don't be ashamed.

[olemisfit]

8 hours ago, mlg said:

This is odd and I hope I don't make things worse but since Darrell's love was Cookie I hope is doesn't hurt when I say Darrell and Cookie (referring to the other contributor) I haven't seen anything that makes me believe that you have children, do you? 

Good morning. And no problems on my end with you including my wife's and the other member's name as you did. And the answer is no to your question about children. It wasn't for lack of trying but in our case it just wasn't meant to be. So we just surrounded ourselves with fur babies over the years. I'm allergic to cats, so it was always dogs. My best count is 16 of them that graced our lives and all were rescue cases except for the first 2 we had. "My" Cookie and I had both outlived both of our families so I am all alone now. The Lord blessed me in so many ways, the best of which was giving me 41 years of bliss with my Cookie. But unto each life a little rain must fall. My life now isn't so blissful, but the life Cookie and I shared makes it all worth it.

I noticed on your profile that you and I almost share the same birthday. Mine is Feb. 20th. So-Happy (early) Birthday.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel