Boyfriend Distancing Himself after loss of Father

[Rae1991]

22 hours ago, Quixx said:

I feel embarrassed. I’m embarrassed of my failed relationship that didn’t end because of me. It’s embarrassing to face my friends and know that they see me hurting and going through this. It’s embarrassing to explain to people that me and him aren’t together anymore. A large part of me wants to delete social media and transfer schools. This is just embarrassing to put so much time and effort into something that ended so abruptly. I just hate it. 

Just remove him from your Social platforms, and politely let his mother know that for the time being, she needs to stop reaching out to you. It's as if she's offering some sort of olive branch to her son/family that isn't really there. She may have good intentions, but it's clearly hurting you.

Don't uproot your entire life and abandon your friends and studies. One of the pillars that counselors will tell you is not to make emotionally-fueled rash decisions in times of stress and grief, as they may be temporary fixes, but not long-term solutions. "Young adult decisions become real adult problems." I mean no offense, but In a way, you'd be mirroring your exes sudden rash decision making process, just in a different way; don't let his poor choices ruin your present or future.

I know how horrid and embarrassing it is to feel this way. I had to ask my ex-fiance's mother to block me on FB after I gave her mother's ring back because I was too embarrassed to tell her her son cheated on me, and couldn't bring myself to remove his family, a family I'd spent 7 years becoming part of, but I had to. I couldn't explain to his nieces, who I'd known since they were born, why I couldn't see them anymore. The gut-twisting feeling of failure having to tell my parents, and my friends, and having to start dating in a world I had no experience in as an adult. It made me want to hide, and for a while, I did because I wasn't ready to accept defeat. I made rash decisions too, I immediately went on dates with people I didn't care about because my friends encouraged me to and it kept me busy, started neglecting my schoolwork, and searching for a self-esteem boost anywhere I could get it. It didn't work and only delayed my moving forward (hence the year I spent pining and obsessing over it). You can't outrun your feelings, they'll always find you. If you don't deal with this squarely, it will manifest itself in other ways. You might be able to "run away" for a few months, or a year, but eventually, you'll be at work or in class, or the middle of a bar with your friends, and suddenly, those feelings you built up and ran from will find you again, and you'll be overwhelmed by those unresolved feelings and be sent spiraling back to square one as if it happened last week.

If your friends are good and real, they will understand and empathize with your struggles (we've all been thru tough break-ups, if they say otherwise, they're lying), if they don't support you or try to help you, they aren't your friends.

Repeat after me: His decisions are NOT my fault. I am not a failure because HE abandoned his promises and commitment to me. IT'S HIM, NOT ME.

I know that we cannot make you do, see, feel, understand why or walk away from a situation until YOU are ready, but what you are doing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you failed because HE is unable to give you what he promised, and you feel cheated because you're somehow responsible for his behavior (hint: you are NOT), so you're torturing yourself with punishment and self-loathing, and letting the subtle jabs of his mom reaching out or his social media updates cut you down. It's not healthy, but I understand the fight for hope. Women are taught to fight to the bitter end, even when the man chickened out, gave up and ran off to leave you to fight his battle. Don't. You deserve better than some chickensh*t boy who leaves you to fight his battles and fix what he broke, while he walks away unscathed. 

You need to cut the cord. You cannot move forward while still attached to a leash. I know that it is hard, and time feels like it takes forever when you're in anguish, but you cannot fix your heart by clinging to what broke it.

--Rae

[Rae1991]

To add: Making such a rash decision will only display to him/his family, your friends and yourself that he has more control and power over you than YOU do.

And that is easily the most embarrassing thing of them all: Changing who you are and your life, not only FOR a man, but BECAUSE of one. You will live to regret it.

Sidenote: If you feel that going to a different school is best for your career/future, do consider it, but not because you're sad, embarrassed and afraid of what others think of you being single. Make an educated, informed choice, as it may cost more, you'll have to move again, and all your credits may not transfer. Make a decision based on what YOU want for yourself, NOT what you think is best to get over some guy. Trust me, in 5 years you'll look back and laugh about how silly this is and realize you would've broken up anyway, heck maybe even 2 years. Stop putting the onus on yourself to carry hurt and shame that doesn't belong to you. If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be your ex for being so irresponsible, inconsiderate and sheepish. 

[Quixx]

Why did someone have to die for this to happen? I’m religious. I believe that God has a plan. But why did his father have to die for us to come to this point? 

[annisha68]

I really relate to you right now. Im still feeling a deep pain from the loss of my partner. I was with my partner for 6 years and her mom died 7 months ago. She ended it with me bc she cant handle a relationship right now. She wants to find herself and cant deal with a relationship or the emotional commitment. She is struggling with her grief and she said it is getting worse. Just like you i ask the same thing? I wonder why should i be punished because her Mother died. I feel really angry sometimes and think how unfair it is. 

We have stayed friends because she told me that she will keep her heart open to us and wont be with anyone else. However today i feel myself slowly detaching from her for my own protection. Who knows how long im going to have to wait? 

It is so tough. It really is. Especially when the relationship has been in a good place and then out of the blue they cant do it anymore. She ended it with me Dec 12th and we have been seeing each other alot since then and talk everyday. Im stupid and ridiculous. I have been putting myself through emotional torment for something that may never be again. I cant hate her or dislike her because she is grieving. However im grieving too. Im losing my Dad through all this too. She ended it with me because my Dads illness is triggering for her and the grief she is experiencing.

None of its fair. I hear you and i know how hard it is. The pain is so raw and deep. Its not us, its them but it still bloody hurts. All we can do is slowly let them go and try to detach ourselves. If we dont then life will be messy for a long time. 

[kayc]

I guess I look at it differently.  Yes Jim and my breakup resulted from his mom dying and his being so focused on her care and his grief that he couldn't handle a relationship at the same time...I'm also a Christian, but I don't look at it that someone died so we'd get split up.  I'm a little more pragmatic in my approach, I don't think there's someone up there being a puppeteer and manipulating the situation, instead I look at it like the things that happened were stressors and Jim's way of handling stress came out, that is what affected our relationship, and it would have happened eventually as things DO happen in life.  I am glad I found out before marrying him.  On the other hand, following a period of no contact we did resume friendship and I view that as a positive.  I know not everyone can or should do that, for us it worked.  

I know the pain and how raw it is for your right now, that is hard to get through.  

1 hour ago, annisha68 said:

All we can do is slowly let them go and try to detach ourselves.

Yes, we release themselves into being responsible for them while we be responsible for our own self, and little by little the pain begins to heal.  It takes time and we can't help feeling impatient because pain is never enjoyable.  But one thing good that results from this is being able to see with more clarity.  Hang in there, it will feel less raw in time.

[Quixx]

It’s just frustrating to me that so many people said I was a gift to him when his father died because I’d be able to help him through his grief blah blah blah and for a while I believed that God took his dad because he knew he would be in a good place to handle it. But now that feeling is gone. I just don’t understand why God would take someone from us when those around aren’t able to handle it. I’m not angry about the breakup anymore, but I am angry at the loss of a great man. I guess now i’m grieving over the actual deaths i’ve had to endure the past year. 

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I guess I look at it differently.  Yes Jim and my breakup resulted from his mom dying and his being so focused on her care and his grief that he couldn't handle a relationship at the same time...I'm also a Christian, but I don't look at it that someone died so we'd get split up.  I'm a little more pragmatic in my approach, I don't think there's someone up there being a puppeteer and manipulating the situation, instead I look at it like the things that happened were stressors and Jim's way of handling stress came out, that is what affected our relationship, and it would have happened eventually as things DO happen in life.  I am glad I found out before marrying him.  On the other hand, following a period of no contact we did resume friendship and I view that as a positive.  I know not everyone can or should do that, for us it worked.  

I know the pain and how raw it is for your right now, that is hard to get through.  

Yes, we release themselves into being responsible for them while we be responsible for our own self, and little by little the pain begins to heal.  It takes time and we can't help feeling impatient because pain is never enjoyable.  But one thing good that results from this is being able to see with more clarity.  Hang in there, it will feel less raw in time.

Absolutely! Tim's inability to handle his personal problems/feelings is what ended our relationship. It would have ended eventually regardless because of these things. His father dying made him have to confront many of those problems (abandonment, abuse issues from his childhood, his father behaving similarly then abandoning his mother etc) that he wasn't ready to, and until he does that and learns to come to terms with them in a healthy way, he is incapable of an emotionally intimate relationship. Tim's way of handling problems became a pattern that I did not learn about until after the first time he left me (and more the second time). His own sibling explained to me that ever since Tim was a teenager, he would run from things he was afraid of or didn't understand. He ghosted at least 3 of his exes before me due to superficial reasons regarding normal relationship happenings (ie, talks of the future, emotional intimacy/sex etc). I never knew about any of these things until his own brother apologized for not warning me. He would've done it to me eventually too, I just didn't know it yet.

I am glad I found these things out before our relationship went further. God did not make this part of a plan, or make Tim behave this way. Tim CHOSE to behave this way, he knew exactly what he was doing. His grief may have clouded his judgement for a time, but after so long his actions became a deliberate decision. I am absolutely at fault for ignoring red flags and letting my hurt and love for him cloud my judgement, but I am not responsible for how he chose to behave.

You are not responsible for this break-up either, his fathers death only expedited the break-up. You said in a previous post that he told you before his dad died "he'd been feeling like he needed to break-up with you/having second thoughts about your relationship for X amount of time. You aren't the one for him" That right there says it all. He already knew he was going to break it off, he just hadn't yet. His fathers death merely gave him a reason/excuse to cut the cord he was already holding scissors to. Be glad it ended sooner rather than after you got further involved or married.

When Joe left me I was blindsided with grief and hurt, but these days I am grateful for it. I would've left/divorced him by now had we gotten married because I would've outgrown him, in a way I already had, I just didn't see it at the time because I was in the midst of college and young adulthood. He is still the same "stuck in high school glory/small-town life" guy that left me 6 years ago, he's just 6 years older now and still going nowhere. Our love was perfect and right for us when we were teenagers and young, but now that we're adults, it's not.

2 hours ago, Quixx said:

It’s just frustrating to me that so many people said I was a gift to him when his father died because I’d be able to help him through his grief blah blah blah and for a while I believed that God took his dad because he knew he would be in a good place to handle it. But now that feeling is gone. I just don’t understand why God would take someone from us when those around aren’t able to handle it. I’m not angry about the breakup anymore, but I am angry at the loss of a great man. I guess now i’m grieving over the actual deaths i’ve had to endure the past year. 

DO NOT LET OTHERS PUT THAT ONUS UNTO YOU! It is NOT your job to fix his grief. As a partner, it is your job to be supportive and be there for him when he asks, sure; but we all need to walk this grief path in our own way and fix ourselves, and he chose to walk this path completely alone without your moral support, and that is HIS FAULT, not yours.

Sidenote: This is progress. The anger has subsided from the break-up and your emotions are beginning to settle, allowing you to focus your energy on others things (such as actually hashing out your grief from the deaths) instead of focusing all your time and energy on him and his problems.

-- Rae 

[kayc]

Rae, so true!  I think Jim would have split up with me regardless too.  He wasn't in a healthy place for a relationship and may never be, who knows.  He blames it on his mom's dying, but I'm not convinced that's all there was to it.  Like you, I think it expedited it.  By my way of looking at it, if I had someone in my life, I'd want them to be someone I could count on going through life with me, not someone who would throw me overboard when something came along.  That's not acceptable to me and I hope it's not to Quixx either!