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Quixx

Boyfriend Distancing Himself after loss of Father

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I met my boyfriend in June of 2017, and we began dating in Sept. of the same year. Our relationship was predominantly long distance as we go to separate colleges, but we’ve always made it work and have been happy, supportive, and communicative with each other.

His father, who he was extremely close to & who was also our youth pastor, had a lifelong terminal heart condition. Sadly, in November of 2018, the father succumbed to the condition and passed away. I was immediately there for my boyfriend, as I knew he was going to need support as he had been there for me when I lost both of my maternal grandparents in 2018 as well. 

Things had become tense since his father passed. His patience for questions that required more than a yes or no and his tolerance for anything deeper than superficial topics has shortened immensely, and I assumed this was due to grief and I tried to give him as much space as I knew how without neglecting my needs as a girlfriend (which looking back on may have been too pushy for what he could handle). Last night, he dropped a bomb on me that he felt I wasn’t the one and breaking up with me was the right thing. Today, we talked in person and he kept repeating that I wasn’t the right person for him and that we both needed space to grow, but that he was adamant he wanted to remain friends after having some time to grieve. He wants space for a week before he feels comfortable reaching out again and promised me he would.

There are some strange parts to our breakup that I wanted to mention. He claims he’s felt this way since his father was hospitalized, yet for my Nov. bday he bought us concert tickets for a concert in June. He only asked for one specific hoodie back and gave me a pair of gaming headphones that I wouldn’t be able to use without access to his gaming equipment. He also doesn’t plan to unfollow me on any social media’s and hopes I won’t either. 

He claims this is the end of our romantic relationship permantly but I’m getting mixed signals. I respect that he needs to grieve and needs space and I’m willing to give him all that he needs. But should I hold onto any hope we may rekindle a relationship after his grieving process is over? And that maybe he’s confused on what he’s feeling right now? What should I expect in terms of communication in the next couple of months? 

* I am his first girlfriend and this is his first major loss.

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First off, I am sorry this is happening to you. It is a really hard situation to be in, and many of us here were/are in the same space as you.

From personal experience I can tell you not to put stock in what he says, as you've mentioned he's confused and giving off mixed signals. Don't fall into the trap of waiting around for him to give you crumbs of a friendship/relationship. That isn't fair to you. For the time being, he has broken up with you. You have no obligation to him and should not feel that you do. If he asked for space, give it to him. But do not be waiting in the wings and hoping he'll come back around, because he may not. Do not hope he will reach out to you just because he said he would, he may just be saying that, but not mean it. Grief is tricky, it makes people very self-centered, selfish and sensitive to how others behave/talk to them. It seems that (in our specific cases), our partners cannot handle a romantic relationship because they feel they have nothing more to give, but don't abandon their friends because it's a different kind of relationship with less expectations. Do not just listen to his words, listen to his actions and patterns of behavior. He said he felt this way when his dad was hospitalized, that's "anticipatory grief," an early sign that he was already on his journey down the grief path. Now, he has broken up with you and is giving you mixed signals, he's unable to have any kind of a relationship with you, and it is a mistake to continue engaging him.

If you don't feel comfortable "being friends," you don't need to be. It is impossible to remain friends with someone when one of the people wants and is hoping for more than a friendship. It is manipulative, and it isn't fair that he gets to call all the shots about what happens between the two of you, especially if "friendship" isn't what you want. If he cannot be in a romantic relationship with you, and that is what you want from him, being friends is not going to work, and will only stand to hurt you in the long run. In regards to your reference to the concert tickets, he purchased those while you were still together, chances are even though he said he's been feeling that way, at the time he had no intentions of breaking if off, but now he has and things have changed, and you need to understand that.

Since he has broken up with you, it is best to go No Contact with him (including Social Media), focus on yourself, your friends/hobbies and continue on with your life. I am not saying go back to dating or jump into another relationship, but I am saying for the time being he has abandon you and you need to face the rejection squarely. You said he asked for space, give it to him without expectation that he will come back to you, has any obligation to you or you to him. Call it "silent love," if you will. I know that you love him and want what's best for him, but he's already made the choice to do what's best for himself, and you need to do what's best for yourself.

9 hours ago, Quixx said:

He claims this is the end of our romantic relationship permantly but I’m getting mixed signals. I respect that he needs to grieve and needs space and I’m willing to give him all that he needs. But should I hold onto any hope we may rekindle a relationship after his grieving process is over? And that maybe he’s confused on what he’s feeling right now? What should I expect in terms of communication in the next couple of months? 

* I am his first girlfriend and this is his first major loss.

To answer your questions: No, do not hold onto hope that he will decide to return. The grieving could take months, or years for him to fully be in a place where he has accepted and learned to live with his loss. In the meantime, you have to decide what is an appropriate amount of time you're willing to wait for him, after all he has broken up with you. Any longer than a couple months is unhealthy, unfair to you and you cannot sit around giving him all the power and waiting for something that may never come. The only person that will be hurt from his breaking up, and your waiting for him to return, is you. Yes, he may be confused right now about what he wants, but don't take it as though once his confusion is cured that he'll run back to you, again it could be months or years. Remember: He broke up with you. Don't let him breadcrumb you into sticking around and tolerating his emotional manipulation (even if that's not his intention, that's what it is), use you as an emotional "punching bag," or an outlet for his confusion. As far as communication goes, again do not expect anything. He might say he's going to contact you, but he may not. Don't sit around waiting and hoping he will, go back to your life, school, hobbies and friends. He has chosen to navigate this journey alone, and you need to let him. Any further prodding or pushing of him, or waiting in the wings may cause him to resent you.

I say these things as someone who's been there. My now ex-bf of 2 years Tim, left me after his father died abruptly of a heart attack. He first told me he didn't want to break up, and then disappeared from my life days later without a trace, leaving me in the dark, confused, abandoned and heartbroken. Three months later, he randomly popped back up asking to reconcile and I reluctantly agreed, I should not have let him come back as I was still heartbroken and confused and my gut told me he was going to do it again, but I loved him. He was still confused, didn't know what he wanted and would not communicate about what he needed from me. His actions made it very clear he did not want to be with me and had no idea what he wanted, but I ignored them to my own detriment. He used me as an outlet for his feelings for a few months, and then disappeared again. I never got my things back from his apartment and haven't spoken to him since. I had to make the choice to exit his life and purge myself of feelings for him on my own, because he wasn't going to give it to me. 3 years later, I am glad I did.

Please ask yourself: Why do you want to be with someone who abandons you when life gets hard? Life is hard, and that is a fact. No relationship or couple is going to be happy all the time. You deserve someone who is going to stand by you during those hard times. He's made it clear he isn't one of those people, and you deserve better. You may be willing to stick by his side, but he has already abandoned you and your relationship. You may have been committed to him, but he's made it clear he doesn't feel the same about you.

There is no "reading between the lines" here, he made up his mind, told you how he felt and ended your relationship. Again, I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear. He has broken up with you. Ditch the belief that he has any further obligation to you, or you to him. It is in your best interest to do what's best for yourself while also respecting his wishes and give him the space he wants. Show him there are consequences for breaking up with you, because there should be. He should no longer get to dictate the terms of a relationship he ended. You were the other half of it, you have a voice, and you have the power to say "no." Use it.

His "I'm not sure about you" is someone else's "hell yes!" Hold out for the latter.

--Rae :)

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Thank you so much for your response. I’m not sure why but reading the stories of strangers has been a bigger comfort to me than anything. I definitely don’t plan on putting my life on hold. Thankfully we go to different colleges, so focusing on myself and my own friends will be a little easier. This is a sucky experience, but it will give both of us time to grow.

As for a timeline, I feel like I won’t be able to determine one until I see if 1) He reaches out at all and 2) How he talks to me. But I’m not really gonna hold out hope past 6 months or so, which would be the timeline of this upcoming semester.

One thing I’ve learned from all of these stories is to give them space. And I am going to do that. As painful as it is, I’m learning that through this I need to let him make the shots of how he chooses to proceed and not pressure him. I plan on continuing to pray for him. We’ll see how the grief changes him, who knows, he may even turn into a person I don’t want to date anymore.

Again, thank you for your response!!!

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20 minutes ago, Rae1991 said:

First off, I am sorry this is happening to you. It is a really hard situation to be in, and many of us here were/are in the same space as you.

From personal experience I can tell you not to put stock in what he says, as you've mentioned he's confused and giving off mixed signals. Don't fall into the trap of waiting around for him to give you crumbs of a friendship/relationship. That isn't fair to you. For the time being, he has broken up with you. You have no obligation to him and should not feel that you do. If he asked for space, give it to him. But do not be waiting in the wings and hoping he'll come back around, because he may not. Do not hope he will reach out to you just because he said he would, he may just be saying that, but not mean it. Grief is tricky, it makes people very self-centered, selfish and sensitive to how others behave/talk to them. It seems that (in our specific cases), our partners cannot handle a romantic relationship because they feel they have nothing more to give, but don't abandon their friends because it's a different kind of relationship with less expectations. Do not just listen to his words, listen to his actions and patterns of behavior. He said he felt this way when his dad was hospitalized, that's "anticipatory grief," an early sign that he was already on his journey down the grief path. Now, he has broken up with you and is giving you mixed signals, he's unable to have any kind of a relationship with you, and it is a mistake to continue engaging him.

If you don't feel comfortable "being friends," you don't need to be. It is impossible to remain friends with someone when one of the people wants and is hoping for more than a friendship. It is manipulative, and it isn't fair that he gets to call all the shots about what happens between the two of you, especially if "friendship" isn't what you want. If he cannot be in a romantic relationship with you, and that is what you want from him, being friends is not going to work, and will only stand to hurt you in the long run. In regards to your reference to the concert tickets, he purchased those while you were still together, chances are even though he said he's been feeling that way, at the time he had no intentions of breaking if off, but now he has and things have changed, and you need to understand that.

Since he has broken up with you, it is best to go No Contact with him (including Social Media), focus on yourself, your friends/hobbies and continue on with your life. I am not saying go back to dating or jump into another relationship, but I am saying for the time being he has abandon you and you need to face the rejection squarely. You said he asked for space, give it to him without expectation that he will come back to you, has any obligation to you or you to him. Call it "silent love," if you will. I know that you love him and want what's best for him, but he's already made the choice to do what's best for himself, and you need to do what's best for yourself.

Rae took the words right out of my mouth!  Everything she said here is right on!  And no, do not hope for anything further from him, right now he is not capable of more and most likely never will.  If you read through each and every thread in this section, you'll see a pattern, and you will also see that those who hung onto hope for more ended up only prolonging their own pain and putting off their own healing.  Spend time with family and friends, now is the time to take a class in something you enjoy, join a gym or take up a hobby.  Focus on yourself and let him focus on himself.  Whatever he says right now cannot be trusted because he doesn't know his own mind right now, he is in grief.  You may say he is confused about you then, but he has broken up with you, that you have to take at face value.

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13 minutes ago, Quixx said:

We’ll see how the grief changes him, who knows, he may even turn into a person I don’t want to date anymore.

Exactly! When my Ex-Fiance Joe, cheated and then left me, I was devastated. He then tried to come back 5 years later because the girl left him for someone else. By then I was having NONE of it and he isn't a person I would date now because I am in a different place at 27 than I was at 22.

My ex Tim is the same, I wouldn't ever date someone like him again, he's 100% emotionally unavailable and unable to have an emotionally intimate relationship.

16 minutes ago, Quixx said:

Thank you so much for your response. I’m not sure why but reading the stories of strangers has been a bigger comfort to me than anything. I definitely don’t plan on putting my life on hold. Thankfully we go to different colleges, so focusing on myself and my own friends will be a little easier. This is a sucky experience, but it will give both of us time to grow.

As for a timeline, I feel like I won’t be able to determine one until I see if 1) He reaches out at all and 2) How he talks to me. But I’m not really gonna hold out hope past 6 months or so, which would be the timeline of this upcoming semester.

One thing I’ve learned from all of these stories is to give them space. And I am going to do that. As painful as it is, I’m learning that through this I need to let him make the shots of how he chooses to proceed and not pressure him. I plan on continuing to pray for him. We’ll see how the grief changes him, who knows, he may even turn into a person I don’t want to date anymore.

Again, thank you for your response!!!

Great Mindset, just take it day by day, find the silver lining in it and don't put so much stock in his behavior. IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS HIM.

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Can't think of a thing to add to the wise words already posted, but if I can point out one thing you said, that I noticed right away:

10 hours ago, Quixx said:

but I’m getting mixed signals.

That's it right there.  Anytime you get mixed signals from someone, it's time to back off and establish a healthy boundary, because as Kayc and Rae have said.  IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS HIM.

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I decided today not to unfollow any of his accounts but to “mute” them so I won’t see any of his posts or stories. It seems less permanent but still a way to distance myself and let me let go. His mother reached out to me and told me he is hurting a lot but that if I ever need anything she loves me and would love to talk to me in the future. One of his friends also reached out to offer tips as she has gone through a break up recently as well. Considering it’s only been one full day, my emotions are a roller coaster but my family is being so supportive and trying to distract me. My mom even offered to move back to college with me for a week (i’m going back to college a week early to work so none of my friends will be there yet). While I’m realizing I do need to let go of any expectations, I also keep reminding myself to be open-minded to whatever happens. This is going to be a process and I’m so grateful I found this page of people who do truly get what I’m going through. 

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A small, confused update. In any of your situations, did the other SO continue to keep up with your social media? I find it weird that since he needs space, he would allow himself to still see my posts on my accounts. I’m not taking it as a sign or using it to drive a hope, I just think it’s strange and was curious if anyone else had experienced a similar action 

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In my opinion, it's another example of giving you mixed messages.  Picture someone standing in front of you, one hand up, palm out, as though saying "Stop."  The other hand, however, is making a beckoning movement, as though saying "Come here."   Confusing, right?  Life is confusing enough.  I wouldn't' want to be involved with someone who makes life even more confusing.  I once dated a man who gave me mixed messages and once I realized what he was doing, I was done.

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Yes...when Jim broke up with me, his daughter told me months later that he was lurking on my social media.  He never posts so I had totally forgot he was there.  Following our break up we had no contact but later on after renewed contact, he also gave mixed messages, which I ignored...I figured if he didn't know his own mind, I sure wasn't going to pay any heed to it!  I had to protect myself first and foremost.  No contact gives you a chance to heal and get used to not being a couple, but being single.  And although I care about him as a friend, he's not someone I'd consider dating.  We change, learn, grow, through our experiences!

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Yes, Tim absolutely did. He only posted on his accounts once a week if not less, but I knew he was following my posts still because he would "Like" them regularly. Nothing but mixed signals. He couldn't call, message or even talk to me face to face, but he could stalk my Facebook. Mixed signals.

However, I will say this: I made the mistake of keeping Tim as a contact on my social media accounts, and I should not have after he left me the first time. It allowed him an "easy-in" when he finally did decide to come back because he knew where I hung out, who I was with and when. I should have deleted him that day, after I realized he wasn't taking my calls anymore, but I didn't because the wound was still fresh and I was still in love with him.

Reminder: Don't put stock in his confusing behavior, he's trying to behave "as normal as possible," just without any commitments and as if nothing has changed. It's not you, it's him.

--Rae

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It makes me feel better to know that none of my circumstances are uncommon. I really am taking all of your advice to heart. I’m leaving today to go back to college, and starting tomorrow i’m working 8-4 everyday so I’m excited to be busy and not have time to think about anything. Right now, I am reminding myself to have no expectations of anything. But to focus on myself and not stopping my life. I am planning on going to the therapist on campus and to do yoga/fitness classes and work as much as possible and try my hardest in all of my classes (15 credit hours woo!) Whatever he decides to do is on him and I shouldn’t worry myself with his decisions. If he wants to come back into my life I will evaluate it then and not let him back in immediately. While I still love and respect him, this feels like a betrayal of my trust, and if he wants to come back he’ll have to earn that trust. If he doesn’t want to come back, then I have to be okay with that. As painful as these past few days have been, finding this page has definitely been a comfort. Thank you guys! 

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18 hours ago, Quixx said:

It makes me feel better to know that none of my circumstances are uncommon. I really am taking all of your advice to heart. I’m leaving today to go back to college, and starting tomorrow i’m working 8-4 everyday so I’m excited to be busy and not have time to think about anything. Right now, I am reminding myself to have no expectations of anything. But to focus on myself and not stopping my life. I am planning on going to the therapist on campus and to do yoga/fitness classes and work as much as possible and try my hardest in all of my classes (15 credit hours woo!) Whatever he decides to do is on him and I shouldn’t worry myself with his decisions. If he wants to come back into my life I will evaluate it then and not let him back in immediately. While I still love and respect him, this feels like a betrayal of my trust, and if he wants to come back he’ll have to earn that trust. If he doesn’t want to come back, then I have to be okay with that. As painful as these past few days have been, finding this page has definitely been a comfort. Thank you guys! 

Fantastic! College is stressful and hard, but rewarding. Do what you can to alleviate that stress, but don't overwork and burn yourself out. 

Resiliency is key here. It is absolutely a violation of your trust, and a betrayal to you. Remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever, it's just a chapter in your life, and that life will go on with or without him. As you said before, IF he does come back, you may not even want to date him anymore.

--Rae :)

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I'm proud of you!  And I love how Rae has reiterated "It's him, not you!"  We can't say that too much, because it's true.  That's why we have to let their issues be theirs!  When people step in and try to rescue or fix someone, that's when they're being codependent.  It's important to realize it's not that we weren't this or that enough.  We were, just perhaps not a good match.  We have to remember too, that just because we might be good for them, doesn't mean they are good for us!  Focus on you...sounds like you'll be very busy and that will help.

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Hi. So we ended up having a conversation two days ago. The initial part of the conversation was just something we needed to tell each other, not regarding anything involving a relationship so I won’t talk about that part. What he said at the end of our conversation has been bothering me though. He said “I need time to think and get myself together.” About what? You made up your mind and broke up with me. What more do you need to say on Friday and what do you need a couple days to think about? Honestly this is emotional torment. I’m to the the point where I don’t want him to reach out because our last conversation was good and I feel like him trying to be fake nice and do the whole “hopefully we can be friends” “this hurts me too” and whatnot would just make me hate him. I’m frustrated that this was his decision and while he did cry and people are saying he’s heartbroken over hurting me, that feels unfair. It wasn’t my decision and it almost feels like he’s mocking my hurt by him being upset as well. You chose this, you shouldn’t get to hurt over hurting me. I’m not sure how to cope with these feelings. I have a therapy appointment on friday. I’m just ready for the situation to be over. For whatever happens to happen. Time feels like my worst enemy right now. 

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On 1/9/2019 at 9:11 AM, Quixx said:

Hi. So we ended up having a conversation two days ago. The initial part of the conversation was just something we needed to tell each other, not regarding anything involving a relationship so I won’t talk about that part. What he said at the end of our conversation has been bothering me though. He said “I need time to think and get myself together.” About what? You made up your mind and broke up with me. What more do you need to say on Friday and what do you need a couple days to think about? Honestly this is emotional torment. I’m to the the point where I don’t want him to reach out because our last conversation was good and I feel like him trying to be fake nice and do the whole “hopefully we can be friends” “this hurts me too” and whatnot would just make me hate him. I’m frustrated that this was his decision and while he did cry and people are saying he’s heartbroken over hurting me, that feels unfair. It wasn’t my decision and it almost feels like he’s mocking my hurt by him being upset as well. You chose this, you shouldn’t get to hurt over hurting me. I’m not sure how to cope with these feelings. I have a therapy appointment on friday. I’m just ready for the situation to be over. For whatever happens to happen. Time feels like my worst enemy right now. 

It is emotional torment AND manipulation. No, he's stringing you along at this point. He broke up with you and explained that he's confused and "has been feeling this way for X amount of time;" What more does he need to say to you that he hasn't already said? If you don't want him to reach out, block his calls/texts for now, or at least do not reply if he does reach out.

He's broken up with you and isn't trying to be "friends." He isn't respecting your feelings or boundaries that he created when he severed your romantic ties. Friends who respect you, respect your boundaries too. He doesn't get to control when/if he chooses to communicate with you; YOU do. Repeat after me: He lost any privileges or demands of your time when he broke up with you.

What he's doing is using you as a "confusion cushion" to make the transition into his sudden drastic life decisions, grief and emotional instability easier. It is not your job to comfort him, be there for him or be at his beck and call, as I said, he lost those privileges when he broke up with you. You do not give "girlfriend benefits" to a man who is not your boyfriend. He wouldn't do the same for you, and he's made that clear. Pull the carpet from under him and do not respond to his pleas for attention, affection or validation. His confusion is NOT your problem.

Sidenote: How abhorrent of his friends to try and make you feel guilty for HIS DECISIONS. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. His decisions and feelings are no longer your problem.

 IT'S HIM, NOT YOU.

Go to therapy. Do what is best for you. Time feels like an enemy now, but when this chapter is over, you'll be thankful it was so short-lived. You have the power to end this chapter, close the door and turn the page onto a new chapter. Use it.

--Rae :)

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Hey there. Im in the same situation. My partner of 6 years Mother died in May of last year and we bonded closer as she relied on me for emotional and practical support. Sadly 3 months later my Dad got very ill and looks like he wont be coming home this time. I made the mistake of relying too heavily on my partner when she was raw with grief still. Dec 12th she ended it with me saying she had nothing to give me in a relationship because all she had room for is her grief. It hurt like hell and still does. Im mourning my Dad and her and i sometimes want to just die. 

Give your guy some space and maybe he will come back. If you push and persist he will never come back and there will only be bitter feelings bw you both. 

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23 hours ago, Quixx said:

You chose this, you shouldn’t get to hurt over hurting me.

He's playing it both ways by breaking up with you and then drawing you in with words...pay attention to what he's done, not what he's saying.  Words are easy, it's actions we have to stand at attention to!  he broke up with you.

I disagree with annisha68 in that hoping he will come back will push back the healing, you can't be on hold while he gets his act together.  Quit hoping for something that ISN'T and accept what IS.  It will be the kindest thing to you in the long run.  Protect yourself, stop seeing/talking to him, go NO CONTACT so you can begin to heal.  Right now your greatest concern needs to be YOU, let HIM deal with HIM and YOU take care of YOU.

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He reached out. I don’t even know how to explain how it went. He facetimed. We talked for over an hour about nothing in particular. It was weird. And I don’t feel bad but I don’t feel good either. I’m not sure how to explain it.

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8 hours ago, Quixx said:

He reached out. I don’t even know how to explain how it went. He facetimed. We talked for over an hour about nothing in particular. It was weird. And I don’t feel bad but I don’t feel good either. I’m not sure how to explain it.

Plain and simple: He's breadcrumbing you. Which means he's contacting you when he's bored or feels like playing around just to give you a sprinkle of attention (breadcrumbs) to keep you on the hook. If he's not talking about apologizing to you or about what he's doing to work through his problems so he can get your relationship back, there's no reason to be talking to you. What is there to talk about, the weather and your classes? He can do that with his friends while respecting you enough to leave you be and let you get on with your life.

On 1/10/2019 at 8:25 AM, kayc said:

He's playing it both ways by breaking up with you and then drawing you in with words...pay attention to what he's done, not what he's saying.  Words are easy, it's actions we have to stand at attention to!  he broke up with you.

I disagree with annisha68 in that hoping he will come back will push back the healing, you can't be on hold while he gets his act together.  Quit hoping for something that ISN'T and accept what IS.  It will be the kindest thing to you in the long run.  Protect yourself, stop seeing/talking to him, go NO CONTACT so you can begin to heal.  Right now your greatest concern needs to be YOU, let HIM deal with HIM and YOU take care of YOU.

Some wise words here. Joe behaved like this after he initially broke up with me. He did so because the girl he left me for was apparently having second thoughts, so he was passing time by entertaining me with words of affection and about how "he just needed to get his mind right because hes not sure about us," until she'd finally give him a shot. A couple weeks after he stopped answering my texts, he announced they were dating.

Different situations with the same behavior and what will probably be the same outcome. While he may not start dating someone else anytime soon, he may still drop off the face of the earth at any given time once he gets passed the initial stage of confusion and discomfort because he won't feel like he needs the "cushion" anymore. It's a really shi**y feeling, to be discarded so easily by someone you love. That's why we suggest cutting contact now, because it will save you from getting your hopes up from his words and even more heartache.

I wasn't aware of it at the time, but some years later I had come to learn that part of Joe's behavior came from the fact that he had begun to or already had, moved on from our relationship. He just did so while we were still together and lied to me for months on end until he found someone else he was interested in, and I was the last to find out. Had he just been honest, broken up with me and cut contact when he realized he didn't want to be together anymore, maybe the blow wouldn't have been so devastating and I would've moved on quicker too. Same with Tim, had he just been honest instead of avoidant, maybe things wouldn't have hurt so much. But we can't control how others behave, we can only control how we respond to them.

We don't say this because we think you'll just get over it next week, we say to cut contact ASAP because continuing to cling to someone who rejects you is not only humiliating and hurtful, it's mentally damaging, and that's not fair to you.

--Rae :)

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Rae and I are in complete agreement because we've been through this.  You must go complete no contact to heal.  Otherwise he has you in a constant tailspin.

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Today is what would’ve been our 1 year and something months anniversary. It sucks. It feels like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do and have no control over. His mom reached out and told me she’s thinking of me. Which honestly hurt and frustrated me even more. I just wish I knew what the end was going to be. I’m okay with any ending I’m just ready for it to be here. This is like a filler episode before a season finale. How do I speed up time and my healing? 

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You can't even begin your healing until you go no contact.  I would not be in contact with his family either, at least not for a good long while, you need to begin the healing process.  It's like poking yourself with a needle constantly and then wondering why it continues to hurt.

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I feel embarrassed. I’m embarrassed of my failed relationship that didn’t end because of me. It’s embarrassing to face my friends and know that they see me hurting and going through this. It’s embarrassing to explain to people that me and him aren’t together anymore. A large part of me wants to delete social media and transfer schools. This is just embarrassing to put so much time and effort into something that ended so abruptly. I just hate it. 

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The embarrassment isn't on you.  You did your best.  Hold your head up.  You can unfriend or block him w/o totally deleting it.  

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