journey growth Grief Healing and growth after Shock and AWE

[iPraiseHim]

It has been almost a year since I have regularly posted on this specific topic of my journey through grief and healing.  Next month it will be four years since my beloved wife(Rose Anne) died. This past year has been full of reflection, and real acceptance of her death.  The time line is different for everyone of us and it has been full year of introspection.  The loneliness and accepting the reality of all this is what my mind wrestles with daily.  

Irregardless, life continues to march on one day at a time.  Initially, I was certain I was going to die from a broken heart but apparently it just felt that way.  The purpose in resuming this topic is to express and show to others that come here that there is life after death for those of us that are still living. 

My wife loved movies and memorizing certain dialog.  In the movie, "Shawshank Redemption", the character says... "Get busy living".  I couldn't see or comprehend even how to do that.  This forum , helped me and many of us to deal with this grief and given us tools, friends, and fellowship for us.  None of us knows what the future holds but some of us do know who holds our future.  Search for and discover your path, and begin to use the tools that we are given here.  

I plan to share what positive changes are happening on my grief healing journey and hope to encourage you to do the same.  Shalom

[enna]

Thank you, George, for this positive reflection.  As you say, the timeline is different for each one of us.  Tools for Healing are what we need as we go through our individual journeys.  For some of us, we have moved beyond our early grief and are beginning to "Get busy living."  Again, thank you.  Anne

[Polly]

Oh yes, the loneliness is horrible. It's been a little over 3 years for me. Two years ago I met someone that lost his girlfriend of 20 years. We had a lot in common. We dated for 2 years off and on. It was hard. In Oct 2018 he proposed to me. Then 7 weeks ago, I broke it off with him. I haven't talked to him since. I have realized that being with him helped me get through because I had someone to talk to and someone to go and do things with. Now, i'm back to crying everyday and have no one. Most of my girlfriends still have their husbands. So I don't really have anyone to go and do things with. I have 6 sisters but they live 4 hours away. I'm trying to stay positive. My goal for this year is to try and go through this house and down size. 

[iPraiseHim]

13 hours ago, Polly said:

Oh yes, the loneliness is horrible. It's been a little over 3 years for me. Two years ago I met someone that lost his girlfriend of 20 years. We had a lot in common. We dated for 2 years off and on. It was hard. In Oct 2018 he proposed to me. Then 7 weeks ago, I broke it off with him. I haven't talked to him since. I have realized that being with him helped me get through because I had someone to talk to and someone to go and do things with. Now, i'm back to crying everyday and have no one. Most of my girlfriends still have their husbands. So I don't really have anyone to go and do things with. I have 6 sisters but they live 4 hours away. I'm trying to stay positive. My goal for this year is to try and go through this house and down size. 

Before I met my wife, I was  alone and lonely for many years.  I tend to be an introvert and didn't really socialize. I wasn't a drinker or party animal and I fell into some real destructive eating behaviors as my way to cope with it.  Through some counseling and getting out of my comfort zone, I learned to discover what are my interests.  I prayed that God would give me Peace whether I was single or in a relationship.  A few years later I  met Rose Anne.  Our friendship, love, and marriage lasted for almost 26 years.  I cherished each day and know how blessed I am to find a mate that loved me as I was.  Our love bond grew stronger every day. 

I don't know if that will happen again now but still I strive to be at PEACE with whatever circumstances life finds me.  I will not settle for someone just to be in a relationship.  My prayer is the same as before.  To be content no matter the circumstances.  Death can really suck the life out of you if you let it.  Each day we need to choose "LIFE"  even if it is not the life we dreamed or imagined it to be. There is a reason for this struggle and I'll be sharing what I have learned and I continue to learn on this grief healing journey.  Shalom

[kayc]

I loved Shawshank redemption, and that was an important message in it.  I hadn't thought about it's application to grief before, but it's true.

Yes this can be a lonely life.  It takes a lot of hard work to build a life that is meaningful to us.  I do a lot of volunteer work and spend time with friends, but at the end of the day, I am alone with my dog and my cat.  The three of us are a family, but for how long I don't know, Arlie is turning 11 next month, Kitty will be 24 soon.

This is a challenge for each of us, what we do with our time, how we do it.  

8 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

I will not settle for someone just to be in a relationship.

That would not satisfy anyway, so good choice.  Now if GOD chooses to bring someone into our lives, that'd be different.  So far, that hasn't happened. 

 

[Gwenivere]

George, I don’t really believe in God, or as an entity anyway.  I’d be curious as to you (and you too Kay) of how this helps you because since Steve died, I’ve been getting worse about it.  There are so many things I’m having to face alone and I feel levels of anger being abandoned by my best friend.  Not Steve, but if there is some power in play here.  I never thought about it before he left.  This last year has me questioning this deeply.  

[iPraiseHim]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

George, I don’t really believe in God, or as an entity anyway.  I’d be curious as to you (and you too Kay) of how this helps you because since Steve died, I’ve been getting worse about it.  There are so many things I’m having to face alone and I feel levels of anger being abandoned by my best friend.  Not Steve, but if there is some power in play here.  I never thought about it before he left.  This last year has me questioning this deeply.  

Thank you for asking Gwen.  It helps me to know that God is in charge (Sovereign) over everything.  His word says that not even a bird falls from the sky without his knowledge and approval!  and that we are worth more than many sparrows.  The Faith that I have in God has been tested and proved to me. His word says that whey you seek God earnestly , then you will find him. 

It was hard for me to accept Rose Anne's death because it was not my plan.  Many people get angry with God because life doesn't turn out the way they expected.  God doesn't promise a perfect life.  He promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us.

This is where I learned that "FEELINGS are not always the FACTS!" but they do lead me to the truth.  My faith and prayer is simple, " Lord help me".  I realize that I am not the strongest and it is in my weakness that God can show His strength. 

Questioning about life,  has led me to this understanding.  SHALOM (God's Peace) is what sustains me through this and every trial.

I still love and miss Rose Anne every day.  We all learn how to cope with the trials and challenges of life.  This place is a great haven to learn and understood by those around us here who love and deeply care for each other.

My continuing prayer is that you will find what you are searching for and gain that PEACE no matter what trial you have to face.  I still get scared, angry, sad, melancholy, etc.  None of us is perfect because we rely on Christ for our salvation and redemption.  We are all still sinners striving to sin less against God as we progress on our paths.  We are all striving to learn, listen and follow.  {{{ HUGS}}} 😉 Shalom   

[kayc]

It helps me to know that I can turn to God and He cares for me.  Right now I am super sick so it's hard to even think straight, but that's what stands out to me.  That I am not alone.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

This is where I learned that "FEELINGS are not always the FACTS!" but they do lead me to the truth.

Questioning about life,  has led me to this understanding.  SHALOM (God's Peace) is what sustains me through this and every trial.

Thank you, George.  These lines stand out particularly.  When one is swallowed by loneliness, it’s so easy for feelings to seem fact.  Questioning life is a daily routine for me.  Shalom.

[iPraiseHim]

In my continuing quest to pursue my dream of becoming a pilot. I stepped way out of my comfort zone and joined the Planet Fitness Gym. After the first week of just trying different equipment, I scheduled a session with the fitness trainer to learn what is the basic level of fitness and exercise that everyone should be able to perform.  I was so disappointed to find out that although I have a physical job that I am terribly unfit. After picking myself back up from that blow.

You see I have Insulin Resistance  and low thyroid function.  I have lost 145+lbs and maintained that for the last six months.  However, I still have excess fat.  I tried several different bio-hacks to improve my health and I have improved my sleep hygiene, aligned with my natural circadian rhythms, supplement the needed vitamins and minerals the scale and body physique hasn't changed.

I researched and discovered that by doing weight resistance training that this will reduce my Insulin Resistance and continue on my fat loss quest.  I work out about an hour every other day along with my regular work.

Last week, I got the UNUSUAL notion that my body wants to work out every day.  I was shocked because in the past,  exercise has been a four letter word.  I redesigned my workout program again and now work out every day for about an hour.  I see constant improvements in my strength, energy, and mood. i stay slightly sore all the time and I push it to my limit while not going over board. On the elliptical I could only go for five minutes i have gradually increased to 20 minute on level one and have no progressed to level two. (There are five levels)  After I have reached that goal then I plan to do my own brand of HIIT (High Intensity Interval training) on the elliptical.

I share all of these to give hope to everyone that there is always hope even when you feel like there is no hope. Just after my wife, Rose Anne died, I couldn't imagine living a day without her.  It was not my choice in the matter because I am not in charge.  I have learned some lessons along the way and continue on this grief healing path.  

I could imagine that my dream of wanting to learn to pilot a plane, lose 145+lbs of excess fat that i carried for over 20 years. or that I would be joining the gym and pursuing  healthy fitness goals.  It is never too late to start living today... One Day at a Time.  -  Shalom

[scba]

On 1/14/2019 at 12:19 AM, iPraiseHim said:

I plan to share what positive changes are happening on my grief healing journey and hope to encourage you to do the same.  Shalom

I would like to share mine, too. What has helped me:

- Going back to therapy. My therapyst is younger than me but he works with cancer patients so he understands pain, grief and suffering. It helps to talk to someone who has had a similar experience about loss, and who bears witness to suffering.

- Work out. I went to yoga for two years. It helped me to relax my muscles. I had no previous experience with yoga and no flexibility, but it has helped me on muscular level. Long Meditation, on the contrary, hasn´t helped me. It made me feel sad and empty afterwards. Nowadays, I practise yoga with Youtube guru: "Yoga with Adrienne". Last year, I also went to the gym due to back pain and it helped me to build cardio resistance. During summer, I quit and did some gym at home (with the AC turned on). There are good workout tutorials on Youtube for the amount of time you can take. I´m not sure what type of work out routine I´m going to pursuit this year.

 - Going to class. I signed up to short courses on topics that would interest me or that were totally unfamiliar to me. The key to me is: short courses with no required homework (unless you want to explore more on the subject). In the early months I was scared that I was loosing my intellectual capacities as well. Although I am still not able to read a book, going to classes helps to focus on something that is going on in front of me. 

-  Going to work and in so, build up a solid schedule. My grief journey is a mess, but work provides me with some predictability on what may happen everyday. 

 

On the spiritual level:

- Quit looking for answers to my questions. I am not religious and I felt lost and angry. I found I would never receive a reply to my Why and What for. I left behind that phase for my own sake. I make no questions anymore. I have accepted that my boyfriend is dead and all its consequences. I have accepted that I live with those consequences. 

 

One the social level:

- I don´t see any positive improvements on that and I have no tools to offer on this issue. I´m now good at casual conversation but very bad going into deep subjects. The """"""good""""" thing about being a young widow is that, when people tells you that you have your whole life ahead, I think: "I have my whole life ahead to work on my social skills, no rush then to be who you want me to be today". I have been judged that if after 4 years I´m grieving, it is my own choice, meaning I have a bad/depressed/sad/careless/selfish/non filter attitude. Ok then, I have 40 years to work on my attitude. No rush to became a butterfly.

My two cents. 

Peace to all of you.

[Gwenivere]

Ana, I love your take on the spiritual and social levels.  I don’t have as much time as you in front of me, but I do still need to learn new skills being alone now.  It’s amazing that when you are used to conversing with someone daily about something or nothing that losing that affects your ability to have here and there conversations with people easily.  I can talk with people in check out lines fine, but the sit down, let’s spend time talking is almost alien to me now. I haven’t gone out for dinner in years now. I meet a woman to chat on Sundays for an hour but run out of stuff to say.  So I listen a lot about her overfilled life remembering when I had a full one too.  She runs home to cook dinner for her wife.  I get in my car and try and think of somewhere to go or do now that my Sunday dinners are take out instead of the big BBQ thing Steve would do.  We do so much for the relationship we never realized.  I don’t have to buy steaks or chicken for him and make the sides.  

I wish I could do the exercise thing.  I’d get a good 45 minutes on the treadmill and feel sooooo good from the endorphins.  It keeps your brain as healthy as your body.  Now I limp, drag oxygen around dread bending down, which means everything that can falls on the floor now.  I miss flopping into bed without spending 10 minutes finding a way to not feel pain for a bit.  I hate being slouched over as my spine deteriorates.  I expected aches and pains, but nothing like this.  I hate I actually use my disability placard when if I can’t find a close enough space.  I hate having to tell people I am disabled for help with heavy stuff.  I hate that my volunteering has become so limited that I’m practically useless.  I can chat, but if someone needs help going to thier room, I can push wheelchairs anymore.  Just serving coffee and cookies is hard.  

Good for you and George for finding relief in it.  I was addicted to it when I was able.  

Debbie Downer signing off.  This is why I have turned down the dinner invites I’ve gotten from Steve’s old boss when he is in town.  I just can’t subject him to this.

[kevin]

George maintaining your 145 pound weight loss is an incredible achievement......work outs everyday are good...I would listen to the trainer and vary between the cardio and the resistance/weights........You are truly an inspiration...thanks

[kayc]

You are all doing the best you can with what you have., all any of us can do.  Ana, I too quit asking why years ago, never got any answers anyway.  I had to learn to accept what is and where I go from here.

[iPraiseHim]

This has been an interesting week.

I have been working out at the gym every day for the last two weeks.  On Thursday, I worked out for an hour after working a long day.  I pushed through my work out on Friday although I was extremely sore.  Apparently it was too much as I could barely manage to move Saturday.  I did work yesterday but my work speed had suffered due to the pain. I try and listen to my body but I just missed the signals. So I've decided to rest and let my body recover. Exercise like everything else in life is a learning process.

Since my wife died from complications of Type 2 Diabetes, I have a heart for people with this diagnosis. Since we trusted that the doctor's were more educated about diabetes, we followed the doctor's standard of care advice.We were told that the disease can be managed but once you have it , then you will have it the rest of your life(which is not true). 

Then,19 months ago,  I learned that I have Insulin Resistance (pre-diabetes) and this was the reason for my fat loss stall.  I did extensive research and found the natural way to return my body to optimal health through the ketogenic protocol. I have come to learn there is a healthy and natural way to heal, correct, restore, and sometimes even reverse this disease process. This is the process the doctors used before the insulin drugs were developed. I also continue to learn many other ways to optimize my health.

Last week, I was asked to be an administrator for Type 2 Diabetes Group. With permission, I am able to share with all who want to hear, the TRUTH about this disease, how it develops, and how to heal the body. The American Diabetes Association recognizes that this is another way to treat diabetes.  My hope and prayer is to be able to share and help others that deal with this issue.

Shalom 

 

 

[Gin]

George,

Please share everything you can.  Good for everyone to know,.  Appreciate your knowledge and willingness to share.

gin

[martha jane]

Gwen, If you can only chat and listen that is one of the best things you can do for an older person. All they want is someone to be interested in them and listen. Let them tell you their life story. I once worked as a companion to a 98 year old lady and I asked her what was the very first memory she had. From there her life story flowed and we laughed and cried together. You don't have to say or do anything, just listen. That will help more than a bottle of medicine. And you will feel so much better knowing that you are doing something wonderful for an older person just by using your ears. You don't have to push them around or help them walk, just sit beside them, listen and be ready with a hug or smile when they need it. Although my friend was 98 and all her family was gone she still was sad over a time that she hurt her mother's feelings and said something hateful. She talked it out with me and felt much better. Until I became older I did not realize how important what I had done for her was. Now I just wish I had someone to do the same for me. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Thanks.Martha.  An excellent suggestion.  It’s been years since I did what they call one on ones.  That will work on one day, the other there is no backup person so I’m going to try doing the hostess gig again.  If it gets to be too much I know my gang will be most confused my.being there but not serving them.  A ripple affects the whole pond.  I’m concerned the new admin b*tch would go for it as she so dislikes me.  She may say not to come at all. Lots to figure out on that one.  

I hear ya on wanting someone to do that for me at times.  Counseling doesn’t count.  I miss having a close in person friend.  I talk to a couple of people but they always try and fix things they don’t understand can’t be.  That’s why I’m so glad this place is here.  We know what and when tonsay things and also not.  That is a biggie.  I read posts that I can tell the person just needs to say what they feel and the last thing they need is advice.  I’m glad we have the reaction button to let people know they were heard.  

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m glad we have the reaction button to let people know they were heard.  

I am, too.  Sometimes what someone relates about their experience, or how they feel now... well there just isn't anything to to be said that won't come across either like patronizing or else a smug platitude.

[iPraiseHim]

I was having some issues with my printer shutting off the power to my  business computer when it printed.  Initially, it was very intermittent so I just dealt with it. Then it happened when I turned on a lamp.. again intermittent.  It was very annoying when I had more than one item to print since the computer did a complete power reboot.  

After some troubleshooting I discovered that it was actually my Line conditioner. APC backup power box.  A new one cost $150.  Then I remembered that this one has a replaceable battery that last about five years.  I ordered the replacement battery for $25 and did the replacement and everything works fine again.

It's so nice when a project works out without so many obstacles. 

This month will be four years (16th) since my beloved wife, Rose Anne, died.  Her name is not said anymore except  by me.  I still tear up, I still miss her and always will.  Life is much lonely, and solemn now.  I still strive to be the best I can be but it still seems that i'm operating on limited power and low love energy.  Life is just very different now. I am thankful she is not suffering anymore and is at rest.

I was asked to help manage a Type 2 Diabetes group on Facebook and now I am able to share (to all who will listen) what I have learned about this disease. There is hope and recovery for people diagnosed.  Although I can not changed or save my wife, I am able to help others. 

I continue to exercise and build my strength, balance, and endurance daily.  I continue to follow the Ketogenic protocol for food and healthy living and regaining my health.  Find your path...  Your reason to continue this journey of Grief and healing. - Shalom

[MartyT]

I am so proud of you, George ~ and I'm sure your Rose Anne is proud of you, too. Blessings to you as you continue to follow your path ♥️

[scba]

3 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 

This month will be four years (16th) since my beloved wife, Rose Anne, died.  Her name is not said anymore except  by me.  I still tear up, I still miss her and always will.  Life is much lonely, and solemn now.  I still strive to be the best I can be but it still seems that i'm operating on limited power and low love energy.  Life is just very different now. 

Our standards and energy are lower and it is understandable, and we have to work harder to be stronger to get through this painful and difficult journey. That's how I would describe my life. I have to be strong, since I am unhappy.

Congratulations for your work about Diabetes. I am sure you are a very good mentor. 

Shalom

 

[Gwenivere]

They say that as long as someone still remembers you and says your name, you still exist.  I don’t know about that.  I know Steve still exists in my mind and heart.  I do say things to him now and then and do my share of crying still.  

You are doing something I can’t do.  I don’t want anything to do with cancer in any way.  I don’t donate to them, wince when I hear someone has gotten it and avoid when people ask me about it.  A friend of his dog has it and I find it very hard to talk with him about it as we lost 2 dogs to it too.  I don’t know what that says about me, but it’s great you can help others.  

Our wills are set up that half goes to cancer research and the other to the humane society.  That’s as far as I can deal with it.

[KarenK]

You are not alone, Gwen. I lost both Ron and Debbie and Ron's dad(several years ago), all to cancer. I find it difficult to even hear the word, perhaps out of fear and most certainly out of disgust.

I am proud of you too, George. Unfortunately, Diabetes is the gift that just keeps on giving, affecting everything else in your system.

For me, the most I can muster up is to continue to make jewelry. I have made a ton of nice things(to me anyway and Ron thought so). It keeps me out of trouble, not that I go anywhere to get in trouble. Not much happening at the grocery store, library, or Walmart.

[kayc]

George,

I'm glad you found what was going on with your computer/printer and were able to take care of it.  I had to replace my APC unit this year, I think it was about $88 on line and that included recycling the old one for free.  It was so old they recommended not just replacing the battery but the whole thing.

I just got my PC back from my son and he fixed my laptop (replaced keyboard on it), took him five minutes.  Got my car back from him (I'll miss his as it had AWD and heated seats!) just in time for snow every day/night for the upcoming foreseeable future.  Won't likely go anywhere this week, so much for taking my taxes in Wed.!

I'm glad you've found some purpose and I'm sure you're a huge help.  
BTW, thought you'd get a kick out of my car tore apart...it took my son one minute to fix it (cracked sautering in the control module) and almost three months to diagnose it as it was intermittent.  he went through EVERYTHING, hooked it up to his computer, hooked lights to it, one color if the motor went one way, another color for the other way, that's what helped, when no light came on, he knew he had a malfunction.  I teased him about sending me this picture to get my anxiety worked up...told him it wasn't working, I knew he could put it back together!  20 years ago it might have worked.  LOL