journey growth Grief Healing and growth after Shock and AWE

[iPraiseHim]

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Much is going on! It's difficult to write down and sort out what is going on.  My health is as good as it can be.  My mind still struggles with the concept of now being a cardiac patient.  I have been focused on getting my home getting sorted, discarding unnecessary items and paring everything down to a manageable order. It is difficult dealing with the emotions of letting go of stuff that "WE" had but that I no longer really need. I'm thankful for the improved energy but uncertain about the future.

The doctors, cardiologists, nutritionist are all still pushing statins, blood pressure meds and a total change of food and lifestyle that goes counter to everything that i have learned and adopted the last three years. I have lost 155lbs and maintained it for over a year and half.  There  are so many unanswered questions and the doctors use fear and intimidation to persuade patients to conform to their "Stand of care " practices.  They don't listen or care what the TRUTH is about Cholesterol,  Saturated fats and only know to push their pharmaceutical drugs as the only treatment option available.  It is difficult to push against the majority stream of consciousness yet I understand the TRUTH and can not pretend that I don't know. 

I was informed today that Thursday I can pick up the mandatory drug with no co-pay for December. January is a new year and a new set of deductibles and co-pay. My prayer is I can get my house in order before I am called home.  This anti-clotting medicine has some serious "blackbox" side-effects that i can not even begin to wrap my head around.  Every day, every moment is a time of Grace for me. Live it to the fullest!  None of us is promised any more time on this earth. I pray, I can serve out my time with peace, honor, and respect for this additional time I have been granted. - Shalom ( God's Perfect Peace be with you)

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Much is going on! It's difficult to write down and sort out what is going on.  My health is as good as it can be.  My mind still struggles with the concept of now being a cardiac patient.  I have been focused on getting my home getting sorted, discarding unnecessary items and paring everything down to a manageable order. It is difficult dealing with the emotions of letting go of stuff that "WE" had but that I no longer really need. I'm thankful for the improved energy but uncertain about the future.

Live it to the fullest!  None of us is promised any more time on this earth. I pray, I can serve out my time with peace, honor, and respect for this additional time I have been granted. - Shalom ( God's Perfect Peace be with you)

George:  Merry Christmas to you and was glad to see you back on the forum.  Your news of your health sounds challenging but I believe you will continue to find a way.  

I understand exactly what you feel as you go through "stuff"  that "WE" had but "I" no longer really need.  Each time I try to go through and lighten the load of our life's belongings, it is like the wound that has slightly healed is ripped wide open again.  That's when I walk away and have to come back to it another day.  Keep trying is the key......just keep trying.    Dee

[kayc]

George,

It is so good to hear from you!  Are you with your sister today?

Continue to vocalize your concerns to your doctors.  I am proud of you for all you have accomplished.  155 lbs, wow!  You feel about your cardiac diagnosis as I do my Diabetes now...I didn't realized when I was first diagnosed how life-threatening and all-encompassing it could be, now it's hitting me.  I admire you for how you tackle things.

Merry Christmas, dear friend!

[Margm]

George, my family try to get me to go to doc, and I will when I have a head cold, anything I think a shot of antibiotics might help.  I discovered Norman Cousins a whole bunch of years ago.  He was a doctor and he really died too young.  But he said “Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.”  I have to agree in some cases.  They have all let me know I cannot be "fixed."  My insides will not hold a stitch or the glue they use either.  Radiation and colon rupture into my female parts have fixed it where I can only hope and pray for just keeping status quo.  The pills for antibiotics will kill me, pain pills will kill me, so I just putter on with Tylenol, all I can take.  But, I drink my magic potion every night that has kept me alive this long.  We bought our RV in 2015.  I found Billy's notebook and he had places written down we (or he) would stay when we hit the road.  I actually was not expected to live, but I handle things myself without the help of a doctor, they cannot help me.  But, I would not advise people to do like me.  Medical science can help some people.  

Please let us know how you are doing.  

I threw out the cape and clippers I used to keep Billy's hair cut a week or so ago.  It hit me that I would not be cutting his hair anymore, they were helping no one.  Yet it still hurt to put them in the trash.  It felt like I was throwing my life away.  We all have that feeling.  I quote my mom all the time.  You really cannot take it with you no more than they could take it with them.  Harsh words, but true.  Let us hear from you.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I threw out the cape and clippers I used to keep Billy's hair cut a week or so ago.  It hit me that I would not be cutting his hair anymore, they were helping no one.  Yet it still hurt to put them in the trash.  It felt like I was throwing my life away.  We all have that feeling.  I quote my mom all the time.  You really cannot take it with you no more than they could take it with them.  Harsh words, but true.

Marge:  There you go again with one of your Southern quotes that make me smile and bring my memories to a warm place of many years ago.  Thank you for those words.  Hope your Christmas was the Best it Could Be.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

It’s so hard making changes and decisions about stuff to discard or keep.  More like there is so much we won’t use again without them, and obviously they won’t being gone.  I choose to empty 3 drawers in Steve’s bureau so I could put bath towels in them so I didn’t have to reach so high for them in the bath cabinet.  Found more in those drawers beyond things no longer needed (cancer meds, a cpap, underwear)  Bandanas he wore, ties for his hair before he lost it to chemo, a pair of lounging pants.  Those are going to Gooodwill, the rest in the trash.  It wasn’t til later that it hit me no matter how useless what I threw away was, it was part of his possessions.   Something about loading a plastic bag to toss.  The kicker is I wouldn’t have to do that if he were here, he could reach for me.  Why I did this on Xmas eve I don’t know.  I ran into another song he recorded on my car CD and sat in my driveway sobbing not wanting to come inside to no Xmas.  While I was out getting meals for last night and tonight I ran into people you could tell were alone too.  Desperate for talk and just be among others.  I was one too. 

George, I understand how changing identity again is hard AND about doctors.  I have the same problem as I keep telling them about the pain and they keep ordering more tests.  They don’t get at all that living with a condition for months (and in my case daily pain high onthe chart) really messes with your mind.  I can’t live as I did and that is a huge adjustment.  The fact you now know there are problems with your heart does change how we feel about our bodies and possibilities.  You are amazingly proactive.  I admire your commitment to the changes you make and stick to.  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I threw out the cape and clippers I used to keep Billy's hair cut a week or so ago.  It hit me that I would not be cutting his hair anymore, they were helping no one.  Yet it still hurt to put them in the trash.  It felt like I was throwing my life away.  We all have that feeling.  I quote my mom all the time.  You really cannot take it with you no more than they could take it with them.

Oh Marg!  Having just put in the trash a lot of Steve’s things that are of no use, it really hurt afterward.  I’ve even pulled out a few pairs of his underwear because they are personal and mentally knowing there are none is bothering me.  Sounds crazy, I know.  The cancer meds and paperwork he wrote tracking the surgeries and screwups don’t bother me a bit.  

True we can’t take anything tangible with us.  But I’m still here in this tangible world where crazy things like underwear or his long ago phone still sits where he plugged it in.  I donated almost all his clothes and that doesn't haunt me.  There’s just no knowing what will or won’t til you change it.  You still have your Billy pillow?  I use Steve’s pillow for my knees sleeping now and as it is a king I can hug it too.  ❤️

[Margm]

On Billy's urn I have a note he wrote with a red Sharpie.  "LOVE YOU.  BE BACK BY NOON"  (He had gone to the river).  Oh yes, I still have my pillow.  It is a king sized one so I son't sleep on it, just beside it.

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 You still have your Billy pillow?  I use Steve’s pillow for my knees sleeping now and as it is a king I can hug it too.  ❤️

Gwen and Marg:  I too, kept one of Bob's pillows.  He had had  hip surgery in the past and the small pillow helped keep his hips positioned correctly.  He always referred to it as his "knee low".  I go to sleep holding this small pillow like a child does a teddy bear every night, asking him to help me get me through the next day.   I have instructed my daughter that after I pass, it is to be cremated with me.  Dee

[Margm]

Dee, Billy had favorite pants and shirts and he kept them handy.  One time his red pants (Arkansas Razorback pants) should have been breezy to him.  The back side, right leg, down to his knee was waving in the wind.  He did not notice.  We got a new pair and he wore these out too..  He would only wear a navy blue pair that would zip at knees (he never unzipped them) and had side pockets.  Elastic waist band. (He was never overweight, I was, he wasn't).  They were just comfortable and worn thin.   For going to town he had a pair that was like them but made out of a khaki color with the side pockets and a tan pullover comphy shirt.  I even packed the red ones with the torn leg.  I stuck them in a king sized (California king sized sham) and it sleeps beside me.  I told the kids to just take his fly tying stuff and throw it in the hole with our box of ashes.  I guess archaeologists 10,000 years from now will be surprised at the fly tying ability of this generation of people.  

 

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, Billy had favorite pants and shirts and he kept them handy.  One time his red pants (Arkansas Razorback pants) should have been breezy to him.  The back side, right leg, down to his knee was waving in the wind.  He did not notice.  We got a new pair and he wore these out too..  He would only wear a navy blue pair that would zip at knees (he never unzipped them) and had side pockets.  Elastic waist band. (He was never overweight, I was, he wasn't).  They were just comfortable and worn thin.   For going to town he had a pair that was like them but made out of a khaki color with the side pockets and a tan pullover comphy shirt.  I even packed the red ones with the torn leg.  I stuck them in a king sized (California king sized sham) and it sleeps beside me.  I told the kids to just take his fly tying stuff and throw it in the hole with our box of ashes.  I guess archaeologists 10,000 years from now will be surprised at the fly tying ability of this generation of people.  

 

Marg:  Sometimes I try to imagine my husband sleeping in bed next to me and can almost convince myself he is next to me.  You have devised a perfect feeling of Billy being next to you.  I love that and love his fly tying skills will be available in 10,000 years.  Dee

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are in my thoughts often George.  I'm happy to read of your good things and sorry about the not good.

Life is definitely a challenge.

[iPraiseHim]

I realized it's been another month since I've written.  It has been a tough time since my hospitalization. 

It has been hard for me to accept the fact that I had a heart attack... It is even hard to write or even say it.  I am fortunate and blessed that there is NO damage to my heart. The controversy is the doctors view on how to treat it is counter to actual scientific trials and facts. The cardiologist  could care less about my thyroid and how it caused this heart episode.  She is only interested in the heart. " They only follow AMA guidelines and recommend statins and reducing LDL's down to 70. However every study says that it causes congestive heart failure. Our body need more LDL and protein as we age.  Well, I'm aging because I'll be 65 in May.  The medical community uses so much fear tactics to coerce us to follow their prescribed treatment. 

I blindly trusted the doctors with my wife's medical care and it put her to an early grave following old assumptions that were never actual proven.  I am fortunate to have changed my food and lifestyle as I was headed down a disastrous road. 

My overwhelming passion to learn to fly an airplane drove me to lose weight.  When I stalled, I was determined to continue and discovered that I was head down the same path towards Type 2 Diabetes.  I was shock and stunned. No doctor every advised me. I discovered it on my own. The doctors can do a few simple tests and let people know 10-15 years before they get diabetes. However, there is no drug treatment or profit motive in it.  Sad but true. 

It is the same way with cardiovascular disease.  There is a simple test CAC ( coronary artery calcium that can tell us what the ACTUAL calcification in our heart and arteries, however that is not were the money is made.

So this seems to be an uphill battle on many fronts.... Also I turn 65 in May and have all of these decisions to make about Medicare options.  My Insurance costs last year $5 month. The first four months $95 plus meds then on May 1st jumps to $350 per month. It is another stressor along with this huge doctor bill I just got from the hospitalization ( huge deductible). 

I prefer to report growth and healing but that's not where I'm at right now. The medications and planted fears have side effects as well.  I am able to work but still have not gone back to the gym since my hospitalization.  I realize some fear has crept in where I would rather be faithful. For those willing please intercede for me Peace, Protection, Wisdom, and Guidance through this valley. - Shalom

[Margm]

George, my uncle played football in high school, college, coached for many, many years, was the principal of my kids high school for years and years, in tip-top shape.  He ate only what he was "supposed to eat" and since my dad, his brother, passed away from prostate cancer, he kept everything checked on constantly.  In his late 80's, he is still a nice looking man.  A few years ago, he was doing his workout at the hospital gym and had a stroke.  He had fought against high blood pressure, but it slipped up on him anyhow..  Now he has had another one, but I can say that keeping in his best shape has brought him out of both of them.  I do know I cannot take any other medications than what I take.  My sister and granddaughter both tell me they could have discovered all kinds of things new.  I have accepted the fact I cannot be fixed and I go along with it.  We have two bathrooms now, I take my MiraLax each night and I stay on the low residue diet.  If I get off it, I sure regret it, so I remember.  

George I do wish you the best and all we can do is take care of ourselves.  Remember you are younger than me and I have made it six more years from almost dying.  I have beat cancer since 1982, then the cure for that nearly killed me, but I have been given a few more years.  Four years ago I was not thankful for that.  Now I still think of Robert Frost's poem,  "The woods are lovely, dark and deep,  But I have promises to keep,  And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

We gotta keep trying.  Might not be able to do all we planned, but those plans were made with someone else and somehow, just making it through the night and day is enough.  

Addendum:  George, I still wear my mustard seed and I still thank Jesus for answered prayers.  I've made it  through a lot.  I think he still listens to me.  

[kayc]

15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

They only follow AMA guidelines and recommend statins and reducing LDL's down to 70. However every study says that it causes congestive heart failure.

George, you are an educated man.  You go by the results of studies, and not well accepted falsehoods that others (including doctors) ascribe to.  Therein may be your answer.  If I thought someone was telling me wrong, and had facts on my side, I would rather follow what I knew was true.  I don't say that lightly.  I do not want to lose you!  Most of all, do not let "fear" reign.  When you go back to the gym, do so lightly and carefully.  And remember, walking is one of the best things we can do that is least likely to cause us problems.  Me...I think my doctor would be stunned if she saw what I do in a day and how I eat.  They say the numbers do not lie...maybe, maybe not.  I do know there are other factors they do not take into consideration when looking at them.  Like you with your thyroid, who knew?  The doctors should have known long ago.

I'm very sorry about your loss of your dream.  So many of us here have lost our dreams, it's hard to continue without them.  But we must, perhaps we need to look for another dream, anything that brings hope and something to reach for.  Your dream served its purpose, even if not what you thought, it helped you accomplish weight loss goals that are amazing!  You worked out beyond what most of us could accomplish!  But your life is not over.  It's in shifting gears we sometimes get lost...but can find our way still.

Marg, I love your Robert Frost quote, you always come up with something appropriate at just the right time!

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are in my prayers and in my heart George.

[Gin]

George,  my prayers for your healing and wisdom go up to God.   I had an incident last week when my cardiologist asked what anti cholesterol drug I was on.   I told him NONE.  he said “Why not?”   Well, because my levels were ok.  He did not agree.  They want that LDL down to 70.  He prescribed a high dose of a statin.  I have known so many who had big problems with statins (Al included).   Called him back and read my numbers to nurse.  She called back and said to definitely take it.  I called my primary and went in the same day.  He agreed with me.  Wrote a prescription for 1/4 dose.  I was very nervous about taking it when I am alone.  This is hard work looking after the medical stuff.  Rooting for you, George.    Gin

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, Gin said:

George,  my prayers for your healing and wisdom go up to God.   I had an incident last week when my cardiologist asked what anti cholesterol drug I was on.   I told him NONE.  he said “Why not?”   Well, because my levels were ok.  He did not agree.  They want that LDL down to 70.  He prescribed a high dose of a statin.  I have known so many who had big problems with statins (Al included).   Called him back and read my numbers to nurse.  She called back and said to definitely take it.  I called my primary and went in the same day.  He agreed with me.  Wrote a prescription for 1/4 dose.  I was very nervous about taking it when I am alone.  This is hard work looking after the medical stuff.  Rooting for you, George.    Gin

The physician assistant told me the same thing!. My LDL-c is 153. My triglyceride 46 and HDL is 69. The best number a person can have. Lowering cholestoral lowers all of our hormone, vitamin, and mineral production. The scientific studies all say that we need higher cholesterol levels as we mature. The mortality rate is higher for people on statins with lower cholesterol.  Once I know it, I can't pretend I don't ! Please ask your doctor for real clinical trials that prove the doctors protocol. there are none. They are associative studies. " Association dose not prove Causation. They suggest further clinical trials. I have decided to follow "PEACE" instead of "Fear". It is a daily choice.

[iPraiseHim]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

George, you are an educated man.  You go by the results of studies, and not well accepted falsehoods that others (including doctors) ascribe to.  Therein may be your answer.  If I thought someone was telling me wrong, and had facts on my side, I would rather follow what I knew was true.  I don't say that lightly.  I do not want to lose you!  Most of all, do not let "fear" reign.  When you go back to the gym, do so lightly and carefully.  And remember, walking is one of the best things we can do that is least likely to cause us problems.  Me...I think my doctor would be stunned if she saw what I do in a day and how I eat.  They say the numbers do not lie...maybe, maybe not.  I do know there are other factors they do not take into consideration when looking at them.  Like you with your thyroid, who knew?  The doctors should have known long ago.

I'm very sorry about your loss of your dream.  So many of us here have lost our dreams, it's hard to continue without them.  But we must, perhaps we need to look for another dream, anything that brings hope and something to reach for.  Your dream served its purpose, even if not what you thought, it helped you accomplish weight loss goals that are amazing!  You worked out beyond what most of us could accomplish!  But your life is not over.  It's in shifting gears we sometimes get lost...but can find our way still.

Marg, I love your Robert Frost quote, you always come up with something appropriate at just the right time!

 

Thank you, Kayc,

I have decided to start walking each day  and plan to return to the gym on Monday to resume my basic core exercises. I will plan to start slow and rebuild.  I'm still working on sorting out all of these Medicare choices and options. Time flies and I need to sign up soon!.  May will be here soon!.  - Shalom

[kayc]

I don't know how they're quoting you $350/month.  I have Healthnet Advantage and it doesn't cost me anything beyond what they take out for Medicare.  Overall I've been happy with it except they didn't get contracted with Peacehealth this year, of which half my county is, but I don't like Riverbend (Peacehealth) Hospital anyway.  I'll give them a year to regain the contract and if not, I'll switch to something else.

I'm glad to hear you'll go out walking.  I walked Joe today, then walked Kodie twice as the weather was halfway decent.  He LOVES his walks so it's motivating for me.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gin said:

They want that LDL down to 70.

My doctor told me 100 was normal range, which I am not.  

[Kieron]

George, I don't want to say too much here for lack of knowing your situation but I think you are right in saying:

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Please ask your doctor for real clinical trials that prove the doctors protocol. there are none. They are associative studies. " Association dose not prove Causation

I am a skeptic by nature so I don't automatically accept what anyone tells me.  I have done some research and listened to/spoken with knowledgeable researchers at conferences who don't follow the "party line" but are true scientists always asking "why?  how?  what if?"  When money, funding and lobbying/influence all come into the picture, then I automatically become skeptical.

I think the walking is a smart idea.   I need to do more of it myself.  😄  The tai chi is helping my balance enormously and I plan to keep doing it.

[iPraiseHim]

Two months after my hospitalization, I return to the gym to resume my fitness routine. My anxiety level and trepidation was high. Before I began, my heart rate jumped up to 134 BPM.  That was before I started to exercise. I calmed myself down and just starte my upper body routine.  I spent about 35 minutes today just getting used to using the muscles, machines, and memory.  It felt good to be back where I have been going to for a year now.  tomorrow I plan to return for my lower body workout routine. Keep pressing forward. - Shalom

[kayc]

Good for you...just make sure you pay attention to anything your body is telling you and respond accordingly.  Keeping you in my prayers...

[iPraiseHim]

Five years ago today, my beloved wife, Rose Anne departed. It seems to have hit me more this year. I had trouble sleeping last night. I woke up late and decided to not attend church. Some memories and flashbacks to the time I discovered her lifeless body has haunted me the last few days.  This too shall pass. - Shalom (Peace)