journey growth Grief Healing and growth after Shock and AWE

[Margm]

“Grief throws them out of balance.” Grief affects our limbic system, which is the system of nerves and networks in the brain, as well as the pre-frontal cortex, Burnette explains. This can throw off how we regulate our emotions, our concentration levels, our ability to multi-task and our memory function.Dec 6, 2018.  I don't know who "Burnette is, but we all feel such a change in our brains that sometimes I wonder if it is dementia setting in.  I'm old enough.  I know the concentration comes and goes just like an artist or writer's block.  No matter how many years. This was written in 2018, but in 1918, it would have been the same.   

My  mom was an on top of it housekeeper.  But she swept it under the rugs.  Dishes out of sight but still had layer of oily substance mixed with soap.  Things were swept under the rug and we have to sometimes "sweep our grief" under the rug.  That old rug gets too lumpy, builds up grief, we think we are better and then years down the line we trip on that debris we swept under the rug.  It does not happen as often now, but it still happens.  

I'm sorry for your sorrow, hidden for awhile and then trips us up on the rug we swept it under.  There are no answers, we all know that, just wade through it to the other side and then we know it will happen again sometime.  Going with the flow is hard.  Heart with you my friend.  Know the feelings.  

[brat#2]

I'm sorry, these dates sometimes are hard to take.  My 5th year is coming up soon too and it does seem like this mark is harder than some of the other ones.  Sending you hugs

 

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know what it is about 5 years.  I thought it was just me, but now Brat and George have felt it.  It’s very deep.  The harder part is when someone asks, it seems forever to them so makes no sense we could still feel this bad.  Maybe because they can’t look at it in true perspective.  We’ve already had to miss 5 years without them and that is all there is ahead.  They can’t comprehnd the word never.  I could live with never having another cheeseburger in my life.  This is so hard to accept, like that even needed to be said.

George, I’ve had visions of Steve at his worst and they chill me to the core.  There are some things we wish we could unsee as they serve no purpose but to twist a horrendous knife.  You are in my thoughts today.  Always are.

[Gin]

George,  it is tough.  Al will be gone 5 years this coming Oct.   It sure does not get easier.  Thinking of you.....Gin

[kayc]

George,

Thinking of you today...I know it's always tough to get through the anv. of death.  I know people thought it was weird me still being here all these years, two reasons for that:  1) I want to be here for others going through it as there were those here for me when I lost George, I don't know what I'd have done w/o them.  2) It's not like this has an expiration date...it has a beginning but after that it's something we all have to find our way through and live with it, it's not something we "get over" like a cold, and I hate the term "move on" because it's so inaccurate.

You're in my prayers and I wish you comfort and peace throughout this day.

[Gwenivere]

Another term I hate is 'getting used to it'.  Hear that a lot and it often feels invalidating.  Why I hesitate to say.  It’s like you get a pass for maybe 2 years.

[widow'15]

George:  Add another 5 year veteran to this Grief pathway come April.  I don't know if this 5 year anniversary is more painful or if it's just that I am five years older and less able to endure the daily pain that comes as my old body and mind deteriorates. 

Keeping you George, and all of you in my thoughts.  Dee

 

[feralfae]

Doug left on February 7, 2012.  So I recently passed the eighth anniversary of his escape from his cancer-ridden body. I remember the fifth anniversary was at a time when I was first accepting that I could let go of more of his things. That he would not need them any more, ever.  I realized then that I needed to begin to build my own solo life, and that it needed some direction. I think Doug is with me most of the time, and certainly when I need him to help me with some question or issue.  But every anniversary, every birthday, and every time something reminds me, then I am back with Doug for a second, and then we are only a memory again. Although I see our life now through a lens of sadness, I can also see and feel the joy we had, and the great marriage we made together.  I celebrate with you these fifth anniversaries, and all that joy you remember, and all the love you continue to feel, for always.   *<twinkles>*

 

 

 

 

[widow'15]

Gwen and kayc:  The first time I heard the term "new normal" I wanted to scream, there is no such thing as  "Normal" anymore.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Maybe that is the benchmark of 5. It becomes so real and we do notice things that are theirs but have less meaning.  That in itself is so sad, but happens.  I just closed our PO Box of 20 years, but I kept the keys.  Just had to.  There is very little more of his I could get rid of.  It’s the idea maybe.  I still haven’t done anything to his bathroom but keep it clean.  Not ready and not sure it is even necessary.  I onlybgo in there to use the scale.  Only other things are his cards, to and from me and I have no plans of ever going thru those ever.  It’s the mental AH HA time this is forever, tho we thought we knew that.  As Dee said, we’re now that much older and truly alone.  We’d still be older, but facing that with our partner would so help.  Just to split chores even.  I hate this medic athing alert button that replaces his help for safety.  Off to get groceries which will wipe me out.  I so hate taking breaks from what once was a fun activity.  Even meeting a friend for a quick chat first will be draining.  I still keep asking why.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another term I hate is 'getting used to it'.  Hear that a lot and it often feels invalidating.

I apologize if I've said that...sometimes what we mean when we say something strikes up something entirely different to someone else when they hear it, but then I guess that can be true of most anything we say when it comes to grief.  One phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to one person but not to another...to another person it might be something else entirely different.

When I've said I've gotten used to it, I mean I have gotten used to living alone.  Not like it, but gotten accustomed to it.  I've looked around, George isn't here.  It seems a lifetime ago when he snuggled up to me in bed, when I packed his lunches, when we went for drives, when we talked over the day or how to handle something.  There is just me to make every decision, to pay the bills, to make sure the chores get done and there's not always enough money to go around so I have to prioritize.  I'm well aware of "If George were here, he would do this or take care of that."  Hell, I'd settle just for him to be a sounding board!  But he's not here, it's been almost 15 years since he's been here.  That's a long time, of course I've grown used to it.  But I've never grown to like the changes it's meant for me.  None of us have.  We can get used to a toothache if we have it long enough.  That doesn't mean we want it.  

Going through old age alone is a whole new ballgame.  It doesn't seem fair.  We have to worry about things other people don't.  Like who is going to drive us in for that colonoscopy, without a driver they won't let you have it done!  You have to have someone in the building waiting on you or they send you home.  It's not enough to take a taxi.  We have no one to bring us a glass of water when we're sick, or make sure we made it home, or drive us to the hospital or call 911 for us.  We have no one to watch our animals while we're gone.  No one to stoke the fire when we're gone either.  No one to help shovel snow or lighten the load.  George and I were a team, now it's just me and I'm not as efficient or smooth running machine without my other half.  And the future can be very frightening and unsettling without that special someone in it that cares.  When I had surgery I had to go to bed hungry because there was no one to fix me something I could eat.  The list they gave me pre-surgery was not the same as the list they gave me post-surgery and thus I couldn't eat the foods I'd prepared ahead of time and put in the freezer.  And the person that was supposed to bring me a meal didn't show up.  What do we do without our mate?

[kayc]

14 hours ago, feralfae said:

I think Doug is with me most of the time, and certainly when I need him to help me with some question or issue.

I had someone adamantly inform me the other day that they can't hear us, nor are they here with us, they are in "soul sleep."  I reminded her that the Bible doesn't explicitly say what exactly that does or doesn't entail and there's a lot we don't know about it.  She was insistent.  Of course, she hasn't lost her husband.  Let's see her lose her husband and how quickly she changes her tune!  Every person I've ever had in my grief support groups has said they talk to their spouse, quite often actually.  It's something we need to do.  And who is someone else to say whether or not they can hear us?  Why is it that people see the need to "set us straight" if something brings us comfort?  Let them wait for their turn to come and see how they feel about it then!

[kayc]

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

The first time I heard the term "new normal" I wanted to scream, there is no such thing as  "Normal" anymore.

I felt the same way and still don't like it after all these years, and yet normal in my life now is living alone with Kodie.  It doesn't compare to my old normal, and nothing is normal anymore if you're talking about my former normal.  I despised that term and it's amazing the strong reaction I felt to it!  But I've read it in psychology and it is merely talking about how things used to be has changed to something different.  It's not something I would use to newer grievers and even to some who've been grieving for years it can strike a bad chord!

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

they talk to their spouse, quite often actually.

I do, and even fuss with (or at) him often.  I actually think he hears me.  I also think it is like Brianna says, he knows if he lets me know he is with me in any way it would scare me to death and he does not want to scare me.  And like C.S. Lewis said, “Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”  I know in what paragraph form he said it, but the words I choose to believe.  

[Gwenivere]

I wasn’t referring to you, Kay, about the getting used to it phrase.  I was talking outsiders.  People’s that haven’t lost anyone and think 5 years is more than sufficient for deep grief.  I like your definition of new normal as I have been resisting that term, but it really is spot on to describe the changes, loneliness and pain.  I can’t deny this is my normal life now.  What is so hard is there is no laughter, lighthearted feelings, things I look forward to other than sleep, or get any true pleasure from.  It’s so darned routine also.  There was a routine when we were together, but flexibility.  I have too much of that so need almost a confirmed day.  The only thing that changes are places I go to get out of this isolation.  I was reading that for each day in a hospital it takes a week to recover.  I was in 35.  So this last week I’ve recovered a day.  I actually feel worse than when I went in as I have so much to do while feeling weak.  I have to tend to the dogs, make and clean up meals, pick up general messes.  If Steve were here it would be so much easier, obviously.  I’d also be eating healthier food. seems I live on sandwiches and chips.  I was talking to my roommate from rehab and she’s in the same boat.  A buddy in Indianapolis just had a knee replaced, but his wife is taking good care of him.  He’s getting PT.  I have yet to get that.  Not even sure I care anymore.  I’ve had a chance to reassess my situation and not sure I want to keep it.  Can’t really add anything physical and see what it is like without my volunteering.  It’s as I feared.  Empty and cold.  My elder dog is slowing down so I add that to more loss coming.  Still searching for how to make life worth it looking down the road.

[Kieron]

Interesting that some of you are mentioning anniversaries.  I'm 2 years away from Number 5.  The third anniversary is bearing down on me like a locomotive (March).  Incomprehensible that it's been this long, when it seems like it all came crashing down around me last month or so.  Maybe I'm feeling some kind of echo in time and space of what was going on at this time in 2017.  It's been the catalyst for a lot of thought the last few days.  Before bed one night, I sat and just looked at a chair where he used to sit.  I'm starting to think there's no point in continuing to live here in this big old house where he'll never be again.   It's big enough for a growing family, but it's hard to part with it.

I could try roommates and such to make it work out, but people are not trustworthy much anymore, and I've been ripped off enough for several lifetimes.

I've been slowly getting rid of "stuff" over the last 3 years and am ready to give away a lot more once warm weather arrives.  I had hoped to make a little money off some of the better things but I've found people just want it for cheap --or better yet, for free.  I'm more inclined than ever to just hand it all over and say "Here, it's yours, enjoy."

The primary problem is, where would I go?  I haven't figured that one out yet.  And with the instability of the times, it's hard to say whether I should stay or leave.  😐

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

about the getting used to it phrase

And you all know what my little country grandmother said when they said she was certainly used to my grandfather being gone by now (18 years), might have been 19, and Grandma said in "her book" that to her it seemed like yesterday.  I don't think grief has an expiration date, unless it is when we ourselves expire.  

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Interesting that some of you are mentioning anniversaries.  I'm 2 years away from Number 5.  The third anniversary is bearing down on me like a locomotive (March).  Incomprehensible that it's been this long, when it seems like it all came crashing down around me last month or so.  Maybe I'm feeling some kind of echo in time and space of what was going on at this time in 2017.  It's been the catalyst for a lot of thought the last few days.  Before bed one night, I sat and just looked at a chair where he used to sit. 

I'm starting to think there's no point in continuing to live here in this big old house where he'll never be again.   It's big enough for a growing family, but it's hard to part with it.

I've been slowly getting rid of "stuff" over the last 3 years and am ready to give away a lot more once warm weather arrives.

The primary problem is, where would I go?  I haven't figured that one out yet.  And with the instability of the times, it's hard to say whether I should stay or leave.  😐

Kieron:  I hear you when you say, "This house is too large",  and "Where do I go?"  I am in the same situation.  I do know that I don't want to stay in my home another year even though it will be painful to leave.   The maintenance is too much of a worry and it is not fair to expect my son to help, who lives an hour away and has a job and family.  At 78 years old, I don't find the energy to keep the yard maintained.  Like your roommate concerns, I don't like the idea of hiring maintenance people coming in and out of my home.  At least you have gotten a head start on downsizing.....which is mind boggling for me. 

I wish you the best on whatever you decision will be.   Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

The primary problem is, where would I go?  I haven't figured that one out yet.  And with the instability of the times, it's hard to say whether I should stay or leave.  😐

I don’t know how settled you and your partner were.  Having been in our house for over 40 years, it’s daunting to think about downsizing.  There isn’t that much to give away that was strictly Steve’s.  The rest is shared living space so much would have to go.  I guess I would adapt to a smaller place, but I would miss 'home'.  I couldn’t do a roommate either.   My schedule is not close to normal and I don’t want someone in here who isn’t a well established friend, the only roommates I ever had.  I guess money I spent feeding us and he spent on 'toys' kinda evens out for having to hire people to do what I can’t.  I’m not even sure being somewhere smaller would help me emotionally. It would be another change to hammer home how drastically life has taken a turn down a path I never thought of.  I already say 'how did I get here?' as it is.  When I was in the hospital, the ONLY thing I liked was I didn’t have to make or clean up meals.  Just eat and be done with it.  Thank gawd for microwaves and pizzas.  I have lots of healthy food to easily cook, but too tuckered by recovery from recovery.

Very much a personal decision, Kieron.  Age plays a big factor too for Dee, Kay, Marg and me.  Roots planted deep.  Bodies breaking down, etc.  That you are thinking about it says, to me, it may help because when I do, I get very stressed out.  It will come soon enough.  

 

 

 

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

I don't think grief has an expiration date, unless it is when we ourselves expire.  

Another to-the-point gem that says so much.  😊 I'm going to remember that one, Marg.

[Kieron]

Thanks Dee and Gwen.  You've both pointed out the very same concerns I have in the back of my mind.  The outdoor/landscaping stuff I am handy with and will have a hard time letting go of because I put so much of myself into it over 20 years that I've been here.  Unfortunately there are interior things that I don't know how to do and they will eventually need replacing as they wear out or deteriorate.  And big decisions like the kitchen. which is not ideal, but is bearable.  However if I stay then I will have to have it remodeled, which makes me exhausted just to think about... hiring contractors, making decisions, spending money, arranging utilities/water & electrical work, choosing new appliances, deciding on colors and styles, etc etc ETC!   All while trying to work full-time.  Taking calls about this issue or that one, while trying to focus on work makes me want to throw up.  Did that back in 2013 and it was a nightmare. There's no one really to share it with, to commiserate with, anymore.  Ugh.  yeah, it just becomes more and more clear that it's time to think about where to go next.  Here since 1999 so pulling up those roots is going to be one painful process. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There was a routine when we were together, but flexibility.

I have routine now, that is just me, I'm stable, responsible, predictable to a fault.  George was the spontaneous fun one.  I miss that, we balanced each other.  I worked five days a week, he worked four, I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills in the evenings (he worked a different shift than I) and he spent his fifth day doing chores at home so when I got off work we were "off" for the weekend...he'd wake up and say, "Let's go to the coast!" and off we'd go.  My life now is sadly lacking that.  I don't go for drives because who wants to go alone.  Everything is so much more fun if shared.  I do walk a lot and did hikes with Arlie, but just me, not much fun.                   

 

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Still searching for how to make life worth it looking down the road.

It's important to build things into our lives to look forward to.  I'm not talking about fancy trips, etc. but even everyday things like my ladies group.  A lunch out with a friend, although at this point not much I can eat locally, most of our restaurants have closed and I'm on Keto.  But anything we can look forward to.  I think you looked forward to your volunteering.  I miss the senior site, since their building was flooded with raw sewage due to the stupid city, no getting together with my friends there.  But it'll be back someday, it's just taking a few months.  And in the replacing flooring, drywall, counters, etc. they discovered asbestos so it'll take even longer.  Ahh well, lots of Kodie walks.

 

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

At least you have gotten a head start on downsizing.....which is mind boggling for me. 

I'm feeling the same way...if I had someone to help me it'd be a lot easier.  Which brings me back to "If only George were here."  And I put it off another day, another year.  How do you move furniture, etc. when it's just you alone?

 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Having been in our house for over 40 years, it’s daunting to think about downsizing.

Yep, me too.

Honestly, I'd rather the Lord just take me before I'd have to deal with that.  My son would bring his dump truck and shovel it all in and to the dump.  Easy peasy.  Me, I'd have to go through every nook and cranny and it'd be emotional and difficult...none of this "stuff" means anything to anyone else.  I told him to hang onto his dump truck.  Sell the place for the property, someone else can tear it all down and rebuild.  I don't want to think about it.

But now I have to live for Kodie.  This sweet little bundle of energy deserves that.

Still waiting for the gutter guy to come back out...

[Margm]

I just keep everything in the big plastic buckets with the lock tops.  My bedroom has the California king sized bed that is probably 30 years old now.  Hey, it's just getting broke in.  I check ever so often for bed bugs, none found.  There is room for me to walk to closet, one side of bed. (I took the small bedroom with bath across hall).  Bri has her an apartment.  I feel almost like being in my RV.  Sometimes I look at a box, try to pick it up, too heavy.  No heart to look in it.  I have everything we need put out.  It has been four years, four months, three days, about 15 hours since he left.  I'm just not ready.  If it seemed "like yesterday" after 18-19 years for my grandmother, my kids will have all the things in boxes.  

My lifelong friend is dying anytime now.  She took care of all her family, even after they had left home.  She stayed in debt "giving" until her 82 pound little body is filling up with fluid moment by moment, draining constantly.  Given approximately two months without treatment, cannot do treatment, she cannot eat, she has stomach cancer.  She was taking care of her older brother who quit his treatments for two kinds of cancers.  She was dragging herself to her shop every day until she couldn't, and I don't want her to hurt anymore.  She will get to be with her husband who left over 20 years ago and as beautiful as she was, she never dated again.  Just heard from her daughter who is taking care of her.  I just don't want her hurting.  

Did I tell you on my new washer and dryer nowhere is written the word "normal."  That word never entered my life.

[kayc]

Marg, I am so sorry about your friend, but I hope for her sake she gets her relief soon and her brother, man that's just hard.

[Gwenivere]

I know some people have peaceful deaths, but all in all, rhetorically asking, why does life have to end so hard for so many. Pain physically and mentally, loss of independence, dignity, treatments that make things worse.  I get worn out bodies.  We don’t ask to be born.  We just are and at the end stuck.  Plus the fear for many.  Other animals just go with it.  They don’t attach a meaning to it.  It just is.  I wish we could just say 'I’m done'.  A peaceful exit.  Hesitant to post this, but on my mind reading about so many problems and living mine.