Don't Know What to Do

[ArM48]

I found this site back in December when I lost my beloved soulmate pet, Greenbean. Since his death my life had crumbled before my eyes. The county condemned my home that my family has owned for 70 years because of flooding issues that were brought on entirely by the county. I have 3 weeks to move out. I lost a friend of mine. I could no longer function and I left my job of 9 years and I withdrew from my classes at UMUC. 

To make matters worse, I have been keeping a secret from really everyone in my life except for my ex. In August I found out I was pregnant. He and I had broken up but when I told him he wanted to work on things with us. Not long after the his father began aggressively abusing alcohol. He had prior health issues but did not have much of a past with alcohol, let alone any issue with it. 

His health very quickly plummeted and soon my ex was in and out of the hospital constantly, watching over his father. But the moment he would be released, he would go home and drink an entire handle of rum and somehow in less than 4 months, his body gave up on him completely and he passed away last Sunday. 

My ex did absolutely everything he could to save his father and his last days with him were brutal and tragic. Since then, my ex has completely cut me off. He will not respond to any of my messages and I am sitting here completely in the dark over what to do about this baby that is growing bigger every single day.

I understand how traumatic his father's death has been, and it's only been a little over a week, but the last time he actually did reply to me was to say, "I can't possibly give you any answers right now about anything between us in the future and you can't expect me to" after I had frantically asked him about us and the baby. I know he needs his space but I am carrying his child and he knows everything else that has happened with me and he knows that I am completely alone in this. He is just blatantly ignoring me and I cannot understand how someone who was always as loyal and as kind as him, could leave me in the dark like this and completely abandon me.

Every single moment of the day I am hysterical, distraught, overcome with anger, sadness, horror, ridiculous thoughts of him being with someone else, total agony. I do not know what to do and I cannot help myself to not message him because I am so terrified right now and I am so hurt over what he has done to me on top of everything else I was already enduring.

My question is whether or not I'm overreacting. Am I expecting too much out of him right now? Do I have the right to be hurt and angry over not hearing from him at all? If I wasn't pregnant I would never expect him to be there for me in any capacity right now, but I am carrying his child and I am just in total disbelief. Should I give him time and space? As an insider, I am more hurt than I ever have been in my life, but I really want to know how it looks to an outsider. Thank you in advance.

 

[kayc]

Overreacting??!!  He's lucky he doesn't have ME to deal with!  He's abandoning the mother of his child AND the baby and you wonder if you're overreacting?  Sometimes we don't get the luxury of sitting with our grief as we'd like to, we have to go on and function and be responsible and do the right things, and if this doesn't qualify as one of those times, I don't know what does.  Be that as it may, there's no way to force him to be responsible.  You can make him pay child support but beyond that, that's about all you can force him to do.  I hope he comes to and does the right thing but don't hold your breath.

I'm blown away at all you are dealing with!  Losing your family home, finding out you're pregnant, losing a friend, your long term job, and going to school.  That's a LOT to deal with?  Do you have a place to live and a means of support right now?  That'd be high on my list.  Do you have anyone to turn to, a parent, sibling?

Sure, I'd give him time and space, maybe a letter from my lawyer too.  IDK, I'm so over these guys that do this stuff, I guess I'm the last person to say anything, I had a lifetime of guys let me down except my sweet husband that died, shows my kind of luck or karma I guess.  I've been on my own the last ten years.

You have a baby coming (how many more months?) and I pray he/she will be a blessing in your life.  I hope the father comes through for him/her.  Keep coming here and posting, I may not know the answer to life's questions but I can listen and care.

[ArM48]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Overreacting??!!  He's lucky he doesn't have ME to deal with!  He's abandoning the mother of his child AND the baby and you wonder if you're overreacting?  Sometimes we don't get the luxury of sitting with our grief as we'd like to, we have to go on and function and be responsible and do the right things, and if this doesn't qualify as one of those times, I don't know what does.  Be that as it may, there's no way to force him to be responsible.  You can make him pay child support but beyond that, that's about all you can force him to do.  I hope he comes to and does the right thing but don't hold your breath.

I'm blown away at all you are dealing with!  Losing your family home, finding out you're pregnant, losing a friend, your long term job, and going to school.  That's a LOT to deal with?  Do you have a place to live and a means of support right now?  That'd be high on my list.  Do you have anyone to turn to, a parent, sibling?

Sure, I'd give him time and space, maybe a letter from my lawyer too.  IDK, I'm so over these guys that do this stuff, I guess I'm the last person to say anything, I had a lifetime of guys let me down except my sweet husband that died, shows my kind of luck or karma I guess.  I've been on my own the last ten years.

You have a baby coming (how many more months?) and I pray he/she will be a blessing in your life.  I hope the father comes through for him/her.  Keep coming here and posting, I may not know the answer to life's questions but I can listen and care.

@kayc,

Thank you for always being the one to reply to my posts! I know how much you have been through yourself over these years. I wish your loving husband was still here with you and I am so sorry you have had to go on without him in this world of heartless jerks.

I just feel so badly for what my ex is going through because he lived alone with his dad and now he has to find somewhere else to live and plan his funeral and etc. etc. He is very young to have to be dealing with this (he is going on 24 and I am going on 29.) I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but it is overcome with 95% anger and hurt and I just can't control my rage towards him. What hurts even more is that he is the last person that I would ever think would treat me or anyone this way. He chased after me for years and was never with anyone else or was even talking to anyone else while I dated these trash guys because he had always held out hope that maybe I would one day come around. The worst mistake I ever made was giving him a chance. 

I don't know who he is anymore. He isnt even a shell of who he once was. He is a completely different person. I honestly just think he has found comfort in another woman because for months I have been nothing to him but his annoying ex who does nothing but bother him all day and add stress to his life. He won't even open his eyes and realize that I am the "annoying ex" because I am PREGNANT with HIS child.

I am beyond disgusted by him and at this point I don't expect a reply from him ever again. He told me over and over he couldn't live a life without knowing his child and that he would probably take his life over it but the fact that he can ghost me for days on end shows how he really feels. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually blocked my number. Like how do you reply to everyone else sending their condolences and trying to talk to you during this time but flat out blatantly ignore the woman carrying your baby?

I have my mom with me and she has been there for me through all of this and doing whatever she can but she does not know I am pregnant. I am always home and she is at work for the large portion of the day/night and all I do is lay around in sweatpants and baggy tshirts with a fleece blanket so it's not something she has noticed nor am I ready to tell her.

Ugh I am rambling SO much, I am so sorry. I've just had no one to talk to about any of this. At this point I will be seeking child support. I messaged him that a couple hours ago with no reply and I know I won't get one.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, ArM48 said:

he would probably take his life over it

OMG, he said that?  Seriously?!  That's on him (and I might add manipulative for him to say to you), nothing you can do to prevent it or change what he wants to do, that is HIS ownership.  Ignore.

I tell my daughter (regarding her husband who is completely a different person after displaying alcoholism) to look at what he DOES, not what he SAYS.

Is there some reason you haven't shared your news with your mom?  I hope you have an obstetrician/gynecologist and are seeing them regularly and are on the prescribed vitamins for pregnant women.

In Oregon they can take a person's driver's license and put them in JAIL for not paying their child support...good incentive if you want to keep your job, etc.  People owe it to their kids to pay support and it's a separate issue from visitation.

I wish you the best going forward and really mean it when I say I hope this child will be a blessing in your life!  Come here and vent any time, we're not going anywhere, we'll listen.

[Rae1991]

I absolutely agree with everything KayC has said. To answer your question about "overreacting," no, you are absolutely not overreacting. You are simply reacting to his terrible behavior and disregard of you, as any normal person would. An example of an overreaction would be if you damaged his property over how he's behaving. 

My ex Tim was about a year older than yours when his dad died 3 years ago, and he reacted very similarly, minus the threats of suicide, while I was not pregnant, he still behaved and treated me as though I had done something wrong because his grief was overwhelming, even though he insisted he did not want to break up and it wasn't my fault, he stopped answering my calls/messages for months, nor would he talk to me at all. It was ridiculous, frustrating and heartbreaking how he became so unrecognizable seemingly overnight. But it seems this behavior is not as uncommon as we once thought.

As far as him not acknowledging your pregnancy, that's just ridiculous. I understand he's grieving, but that's not an excuse to run from his responsibilities. You can't run away, he shouldn't get to either. Do seek child support if he's going to behave as though his child is your problem to deal with. I've got friends who were put in this same situation by their exes (minus the death), and a few of them pay like $20/month in CS and never see their kids, it's ridiculous. But if he refuses CS, these days as KayC said, in many states you'll get your license pulled and/or go to jail after so many missed payments.

Do consider talking to your mom at some point, you will need to tell her. Who knows, maybe she'll be supportive. But also look into therapy for yourself, these situations are traumatizing, and I can't imagine the added stress of pregnancy being thrown into it. I understand he's your ex, but as you said, it's more about you wanting him to be around for the baby versus your relationship, and it sounds like he's just trying to ignore it as if it'll go away because he doesn't think he can deal with it. It's childish and ridiculous, you can give him the benefit of the doubt for a while, but remember: After so long this behavior becomes a deliberate conscious choice on his part.

--Rae

[Kieron]

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

and I can't imagine the added stress of pregnancy being thrown into it.

Not to mention the stress hormones you're flooded with when you think about how he's behaving.  Stress has a damaging effect on us, especially long-term.  I would imagine chronic stress, anger/rage and grief all affect the baby in some way.  I'm sure you don't want that to happen, if you can help it.  So please take the advice already offered by 2 people who have been through it. 

[kayc]

I can imagine how overwhelmed you must be feeling...I think once you have a plan in place to care for this child you will feel some relief.  I hope your mom will be supportive.  Do you have a sister, friend, anyone else who could be of help to you?  You might want to talk to a gov't agency about getting some help, let THEM get the child support from him!