How Far I've Come

[Froggie4635]

Tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, and I lost my husband, Mark in December 2014.  I now have someone new in my life, and it brings on all sorts of feelings; happy, warm, yet something is also missing.  For the past four Valentine's I have really just tried to ignore it...turned my eyes away when I saw the displays and advertisements for roses and hearts & flowers.  Just didn't want to think about it...the things I enjoyed about the holiday were gone.  But now, I want to have that feeling again; to want to shower someone with love and let them do the same for me.  This will be a year of adjustments.  I am so lucky that he understands and gives me all the room I need to have all these different feelings...he knows that Mark will FOREVER be a part of my life, and that means he will also be a part of "our" life as a couple.  It's one of those things that you have to move your way through with no real suggestions on how to do it.  I'm happy again.  I know that Mark has something to do with it...and that makes me smile.  

[MartyT]

And I am so happy for you as well, dear Maryann. Blessings to you and the new man in your life ❤️

[kayc]

I'm so happy for you, Maryann!  You are well deserving of all of the happiness that comes your way!  Wishing you and your new man the best...and I hope tomorrow will once again be a very special Valentine's Day for you.

[Polly]

I'm sure Mark does have something to do with it. I say the same thing about meeting Bill. They want us to be happy. 

[Froggie4635]

Well....here it is 2021. After the isolation of Covid for over a year, I am struggling emotionally.  I am now seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.  I have felt extremely emotionally numb for YEARS.  My PTSD is over the top.  I kept it in check for years, but when the man I am involved with had a stroke in my bathroom, and I had to repeat the experience I had the day Mark died....it sent me into a tailspin.  The hours at my job was reduced by half last month....I am forgetful, can't focus.  I am awaiting an appointment with a neuropsychologist to do some testing.  A large part of me wants to hide away from the world....I no longer get any joy from the things I always did before.  I don't know if all this comes from losing Mark, or if it is something more...but I am working to find out.  I miss Mark.  

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn of your troubles, Maryann ~ how awful for you! Life is difficult, that's for sure. It's good to know that you're seeking the professional help you need and most certainly deserve. Please know that we are thinking of you and wishing nothing but the best for you ❤️

[kayc]

Maryann, I am so sorry!  Sometimes we can feel trapped in life and need to step back and give thought to what's best for us.  I'm kind of feeling where you're at as caregiver role has been thrust on me with my sister who is disabled, has dementia, and has six broken ribs, let her macular degeneration go for 4 1/2 years so she's blind in one eye and going there in the other.  She also broke her glasses and dentures...so this all means a lot of trips 60+ miles away for me, lifting her heavy walker in/out of my car (it takes up the entire trunk if that's any indication).  Everyone else in the family is begging off as they "live too far."  It can be overwhelming.

I'm sorry your BF went through this and you with him, and your hours were cut so drastically!  Maybe you could fill in from home selling on eBay or something, I did that when I was out of work, it got me by.  Just know that our hearts are with you in this difficult period of your life, and we support you in your seeing a therapist.  We wish you the best!