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I lost my best friend in the world less than 48 hours ago...the pain, the guilt, the sadness, the fear...it’s massive and crushing. Sadly I had to see him have a massive seizure before I took him to be freed from his pain, it’s just burned into my brain. 

I had my beautiful schnauzer Whiskey for 12 years, even before I was married and had a child. He was the center of my world. He was my entire family and reason to keep getting out of bed before I married. Even after developing the relationship with my husband and having a child, he was still the “anchor” I guess. 

I feel such horrible guilt whenever I try to hug my husband or cuddle my 18 month old. Like I’m betraying him. The feeling of betrayal is so strong with anything I do...like I’m moving on without him and he was just a blip on the screen of life. Like he will be forgotten. 

My husband is not an animal person and has not been able to relate nor is he in pain. If anything, he’s relieved not to have the dog he tolerated here anymore. 

Thank you so much for this site. Thank you. It has literally helped me make it another hour. 

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My oh my oh my ~ Your Whiskey is absolutely adorable! No wonder your heart is broken, and I am so sorry for your loss! Please know that hugging your husband and cuddling your baby in no way diminishes the love you still have for your fur baby! The human heart has an infinite capacity to love, and we are certainly capable of loving more than one being at a time. Doing so is not a sign of disloyalty to anyone. Love is not a contest, and there is no hierarchy involved in a household that is filled with those who love one another. Celebrate the fact that you're a person who knew, understood and experienced the absolute joy of loving a dog ~ this darling little creature who returned every ounce of that love straight back to you. Honor that love. Comfort yourself with knowing that although he is no longer with you in this physical world, the love you have for each other did not die with Whiskey. Let that love pour over you, and find whatever ways you can to remember him and honor his memory. 

I also invite you to read this: Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much?  ❤️

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Those of us here get it, we are animal lovers and have been through this ourselves.  My heart sunk as I saw the picture of your adorable Whiskey...I thought, oh no...

You will never forget Whiskey, you will remember everything about him and forever be grateful to him for his loving relationship and the times shared with him.  Having other loving relationships and times with others will in no way diminish anything you shared with him.  I'm sorry for the seizure he experienced and you had to witness.  I understand about having that image burned into your brain, it's much the same as having the image of my husband's final heart attack etched into my brain.  It haunted me for a very long time but eventually I had to realize it was but a moment (or minutes) in time, not what defined him, me, our relationship, or our years together.  He is in peace now, just as your Whiskey is, made whole and enjoying life where they are until we can at last be reunited.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf   (I'm having trouble with that loading so will attach the pdf file for you, look for it at the end.)

Another article:
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

A dangerous Villain-Guilt.pdf

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Kayc, 

Thank you very much for your response. It means so much to be comforted by people who have experienced the same feelings. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I will try to remember what you said about the final moments. Thank you for your kindness. 

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On 2/15/2019 at 6:37 AM, K.D. said:

He was the center of my world. He was my entire family and reason to keep getting out of bed before I married. Even after developing the relationship with my husband and having a child, he was still the “anchor” I guess. 

I feel such horrible guilt whenever I try to hug my husband or cuddle my 18 month old. Like I’m betraying him. The feeling of betrayal is so strong with anything I do...like I’m moving on without him and he was just a blip on the screen of life. Like he will be forgotten. 

I can understand your feeling so well... The feeling of guilt is something that keeps following me it seems, and in my case, although it is getting a little lighter, after sessions of therapy, there was not one morning that I don't wake up hoping that I never agreed to take that walk in the park, with my very dear cat. I can face a lot of criticism, but that's not even the most painful, the most painful thing is that I cannot forgive myself. I looked after my cat with deep love and care, for six years, and this walk...... he managed to survive, and yet when he was found the vet put him down, the vet had my phone number and knew I'm looking for this ginger cat, and still nobody thought about calling the number on the poster. I go through this again and again. There is no answer of why we went out, apart from the habit. There is no help neither to Ginger nor to me, when I go through that day again and again.  I feel the guilt too when I'm at home with my hubby and my newborn. I cannot tell that to anyone. I had these family moments all planned out and that included Ginger in them. Now I go on... trying to be grateful, for the love I have with my human family, and the love that was so deep with my feline child and best friend. I find it useful to force yourself to talk, and to walk, keep walking, keep breathing and concentrating on your whole body. It helps that you do not get overwhelmed by your mind, by the sadness of missing our furry friend. I hope you can find some ways to cope...

 

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I’m so very sorry. Thank you for writing about your experience. How much pain you must be suffering. It gives me great comfort to read about others having similar experiences and feelings. Your poor kitty. I can imagine that must be the most gut wrenching feeling in the world. I also suffer with crushing guilt and so many “if only I had” or “why didn’t I” moments about my dog’s death.  And the sad and scary helpless feeling that not a person in the world or a thing is going to change it. I have so many nightmares where I’m searching for things I can’t find  

My husband keeps reminding me “you have a daughter and you have me” and then getting offended when it doesn’t relieve my pain. It’s like chopping off my arms and saying “why are you upset? You still have legs!”  He just doesn’t get it. 

I wish I could take your pain away. I try to remember that every second of every hour that passes is one more second towards the day when then pain and guilt fades and good memories remain. 

Wishing you peace...

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17 hours ago, K.D. said:

My husband keeps reminding me “you have a daughter and you have me” and then getting offended when it doesn’t relieve my pain. It’s like chopping off my arms and saying “why are you upset? You still have legs!”  He just doesn’t get it. 

That's a good analogy, and I hope you've told him that.  It might help him see it easier.

 

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I had to have my best friend put to sleep on the 23rd of January, he was only five years old,he was epileptic and had seizures every seven days or so even though he was on strong medication, on that night he had twelve or more fits with only minutes in between, I just wanted him to stop hurting, even so I feel that I betrayed him when he needed me most, that I wasn’t there for him and I let him down, I read that pets can live a long life with epilepsy so maybe I could have done more for my baby, I go over and over that night in my head, I miss him so and I can’t stop crying and torturing myself, I just keep seeing his beautiful brown trusting eyes, I just want to be with him and I am frightened that I will never see his sweet face again and that he is alone and frightened and doesn’t understand, I just want to end my life, I can’t live with the thought that I let him down,I cling to the thought that we’ll be together one day , there is nothing left for me anymore, I can’t live with this grief and guilt please help me.

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Having witnessed one of my own beloved dog having seizures, I truly do understand how terrifying this can be, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Given what you describe, it seems to me that you did all you could to control your baby's epilepsy, but with little success ~ and your decision to end his suffering was your final act of love for him. I know that this is little comfort to you, but I truly do believe that when we make the euthanasia decision, we make one of the most difficult and painful decisions we'll ever have to make: to put our companion's needs (to be free of suffering and pain) before our own (to keep them with us regardless of their suffering, as a way to avoid the pain of being without them), and it's impossible to do so without the guilt that comes along. I invite you to read my article, Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision, including the related resources listed at the base. I hope its contents will speak to you in a helpful way ~ and if you find that this is not enough, I hope you will find an in-person pet loss support group where you can share your story, alleviate some of the guilt you are carrying now, and come to terms with all of this. I am so very sorry for your loss :(

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Thank you so much for your support and understanding, I just can’t stop thinking about him and that maybe I should have tried more medication, his seizures just got worse,he used to come round quickly but this time was different, he was so confused and bumping into everything and just kept falling and going into another seizure, I just couldn’t keep dosing him up with more and more, he was on three different meds twice a day and even his emergency meds didn’t stop the fits but I cannot shake the feeling that I let him down when he needed me most, he was my life and taught me how to love unconditionally, I miss him so much.

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Tracy, I’m so sorry about your baby. Your mind is playing tricks on you in your grief. I have the same problem.

Every day I worry that I should have admitted my dog to the hospital, maybe he would have rebounded and he would have had more time. I feel guilty all day every day. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this, maybe I should have done that. 

The maybe’s and what if’s are terrible torture  

It sounds like your baby had reached a point of no return this time  I would have done the same thing. You did a kind and humane thing.  It was a horrible decision to have to make, and it took so much courage.  

Before I had the dog that I lost on Feb 12, I had another dog with cancer. Back in 2009, I held on to him too long. I really should have let him go sooner than I did. Then one day I realized just how much pain he was in and how much his quality of life had suffered.

To this day I regret that I didn’t let him go sooner. I still beat myself up for not seeing it. You honestly cannot win...your brain will always play tricks on you in your grief. 

I hope you feel better soon. You didn’t let him down. You took care of him and did the right thing. 

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Thank you so much KD, you have made me feel so comforted, I’ve been in torment, Icant stop blaming myself, I would have given everything I have just to kiss his sweet naughty face and tell him how much I love him and I am haunted by the fear that I may never see my baby again, I hope that I will see him again when I finally pass and cling to the hope that we will be together for eternity, I don’t want to go to heaven if he’s not there and in a strange way I’m not frightened of death anymore, he taught me how to love and I miss him so much.

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I know exactly how you feel. Our dogs died three weeks apart so it’s all still painfully new.

Like I said, I beat myself up for not letting go of my previous dog, Mickey, sooner. And this time, I beat myself for letting Whiskey go too soon.

You just cannot win. I guarantee if you would have held onto to your friend longer, you’d be beating yourself up for not letting him go sooner. 

I also found myself finally unafraid of death, knowing that my small friends and I will be reunited. I didn’t feel that way the first time. 

I know it’s all excrutiating, if you have to, just try to get through an hour at a time. 

I feel like I’ve been in a weird haze since Feb 12. 

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Thank you so much for your insight and understanding, I really thought no one could understand the guilt and devastation that I feel, I am so happy to think that someone believes that we will someday be reunited with our babies, I am lifted because I am not alone, I thank you for this, I am so grateful for your inspiration and care, thank you so much.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/25/2019 at 12:07 PM, Tracy crank said:

Thank you so much KD, you have made me feel so comforted, I’ve been in torment, Icant stop blaming myself, I would have given everything I have just to kiss his sweet naughty face and tell him how much I love him and I am haunted by the fear that I may never see my baby again, I hope that I will see him again when I finally pass and cling to the hope that we will be together for eternity, I don’t want to go to heaven if he’s not there and in a strange way I’m not frightened of death anymore, he taught me how to love and I miss him so much.

Having such a loss as this, it's very common for us to no longer fear death...what's beyond it is an extension of our life.  And of course heaven wouldn't be heaven without our beloved pets!  I trust God knows this, He created these wonderful creatures for us to love and care for, I trust Him to further bring to fruition...our pets for eternity.  (((hugs)))

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