Girlfriend breaks up after ex husband's death, and now wants me back.

[Dinorand]

Hey there, 

I am looking for some advice. Recently I was broken up with after my girlfriend lost her ex husband who also had a kid with her. I was a wreck for a bit and only asked for space so I could go my own way. She still wanted to talk/be friends. I couldn't do it without romantic feelings. She had some trouble giving me space, text, show up to common places etc... 

So a few weeks ago she asked me to meet her for dinner. We talked and she stated she was a wreck and was in a panic, and now wants to continue where we left off. 

We have only dated 4 months to the death. We have been on a break for 3 months. 

Is her needing space then coming back still a flag that she will drop and run at hardships?

[Rae1991]

To answer your question as honest as possible: YES, it is. A few reasons as to why:

It wasn't a break. A relationship break is maybe a few days or a week away from one another, not 3 months, and you've agreed you're still committed and together. She broke up with you.

We are not obligated to wait around for someone to "figure stuff out," and don't ever feel like you should be. Your life, feelings and time matter just as much as hers, if she was expecting you to put yourself on hold until she gets right, that's on her. You are not obligated to help carry someone else's emotional burdens and it should never be expected of you. If all she's done is remain in the same place and hasn't used the time you've been apart to work on herself and deal with her grief, why would she expect that you waited in the wings this whole time? That's just selfish and unfair to you. She hurt you and did nothing to fix the harm, so her suddenly coming back to you and expecting you to take her back is really callous, and it is something you need to figure out if you actually want to pursue again, as there's no guarantee she won't break up with you again in a few months. It should be seen as a privilege that you're even considering reconciling, not a right of hers or an obligation of you and your time.

This behavior is a common theme among all our stories, and none of them ended well for us. Our SO dropped us like a hot pan, then attempted to pick us up as "friends" or rekindle our relationships some months or weeks later. Which then led to manipulation, emotional abuse, confusion, hurt and prolonged our own heartbreak because they were disingenuous as to their motive behind their behavior. After so long, this behavior becomes a deliberate decision.

It is impossible to "continue where you left off" as if nothing happened, and it would be a serious disservice to YOU and your relationship to do so. Why? Why does she get to dictate that it wasn't a big deal? She left you, refused to acknowledge that you needed space, and now wants to get back together as though it didn't affect you and everything is okay because she says shes ready now? 3 months is a long time, and a lot can change in this time frame. You need to ask yourself, and be honest; Is she only saying this because she's lonely and misses companionship, or does she actually miss you and your relationship? Is she going to therapy/counseling/support groups? Has she made any tangible progress in working through her grief in a healthy way? Have you acknowledged and talked to her about how her behavior made you feel, and has she acknowledged that her behavior is not acceptable? Is she acknowledging her grief, emotional needs and root causes of her behaviors? If the answers are no, you need to re-evaluate whether or not this is healthy for either of you.

It is impossible to be friends with someone when one of you wants more than friendship. The fact that she dumped you and then attempted to force you into being friends by texting, showing up where you are and still attempting to speak to you, and refusing to respect your request for distance is a problem. She needed space and you gave it to her, but she wouldn't respect your need for it? That in itself is a massive red flag. It sounds to me like there was some co-dependency brewing and that she may lack boundaries, and that is not healthy either.

Trust takes a long time to rebuild once it is broken. And these situations should definitely be deal breakers, because they certainly are trust breakers. If she believes that you can just pick up where you left off as though your relationship, bond and trust was not damaged, you need to question why. She broke up with you. That is effectively severing any bonds you had.

If you do choose to pursue your relationship again, proceed with caution, tread lightly and DO NOT just go running back to her with forgiveness. Repairing a relationship, and the trust it held takes time, work and effort. If she isn't willing to take things slow and respect your need for a slower pace while she works to gain your trust back, that should be a red flag too. You don't just fall back into it as though nothing is different. Technically, you're now beginning a new relationship because the previous one was ended and it has been months in between, long enough for both of you to feel differently about one another, or have dated other people. DO NOT let your history with a person, love for them or guilt cause you to settle or fall back into something that you don't feel is right for you. History means nothing if its only going to repeat itself.

I say this as a person who experienced just about the exact same thing. My ex Tim and I were together 20 months before his father died. He didn't even tell me his father died, his brother told me. I had to track him down and find out what was going on. We talked and he told me he loved me and didn't want to break up, he just needed a few days to sit with the loss, but that he'd let me know what he needed from me and when the funeral was. A few days turned into weeks of ignored texts and phone calls. Those few days turned into 3 months of radio silence from Tim with occasional Facebook stalking. After a month, I concluded our relationship was over and began to try and move forward. 3 months go by and he texts me telling me how sorry he is and that he wanted to work things out. We met up and talked, for a while I was reluctant, but I let my hurt and love for him cloud my judgement. His behavior, cruel words and emotional outbursts at me during the few months we lasted made it clear he was still deeply confused, and did not want to be with me. But I myself was still hurt, confused and just fell further into the hole with him. To no surprise, history repeated itself and I was left with no choice but to walk away. Embarrassed, hurt, confused and even more heartbroken than before. I was worse off for it because I was way too trusting of him, and didn't want to believe the man I fell in love with, who I thought he was, was a sham and a lie. I then learned he had a history of ghosting his girlfriends and other deep seated problems.

Do not let yourself fall into this cycle of on again/off again toxicity, because that's what it ends up becoming. If she isn't willing to slowly work at rebuilding the foundations of your relationship, respecting your needs, boundaries and feelings, or understand that there are issues needing to be addressed so you can progress, it isn't worth pursuing.

You asked a great question because her reaction to this may very well be a precursor to how she may behave again when faced with similar hardships in the future. Another reoccurring theme among our stories is that we discover our now exes had these red flags all along, and that we ignored them, and that grief simply expedited our break-ups and gave them an easy out, but it didn't cause them directly. That is why I said do not rush back into things or commit to this right away because she doesn't seem to care that its been three months and is only interested in "forgetting about this and moving on," which will end in disaster, or you'll end up in an "on/off situationship," and that's not commitment, a relationship or healthy. Time wasted is time wasted. Time may heal your heart, but it won't give you back the months or years you spent wasting waiting, pining and hoping your relationship will get better, for things to be like they were in the beginning or that she'll magically change her ways and treat you the way you deserve. Only you can make the decision as to how long you're willing to wait, and how much you're willing to tolerate bad behavior. If you don't see tangible signs of change or self-awareness of her mistakes, poor behavior or willingness to work on her flaws, cut your losses.

--Rae 

[kayc]

Rae covered this well.  There are a certain segment of people that handle their grief in this way...until it happened to me, I was unaware of this. I was engaged for a year and when his mom was dying, he broke up with me by Fed Ex no less!  Never even got a last discussion, nothing.  It blindsided me.  To make matters worse, he sent his goodbye note to my job, first thing in the morning!  Of course I cried, and was told to leave...I didn't even get the respect of receiving it privately in my own home.

We had no contact for a few months, when I saw his mom passed, I made him a sympathy card and sent it to him...he called and talked for hours.  I could see in the ensuing weeks that he was a mess, he didn't know his own mind and it was HIS issues, not mine, to own and deal with.  I was there for him as a friend but I put a wall around my heart to protect me from his wishy-washy inconsistent statements and learned to not pay heed to them.  Everything I'd been led to believe prior to his breakup was different from the person I came to know later on.  I think protecting myself was the best thing I ever could have done.  If one person is secretly holding hope for getting back together, it can't work as "friends" because there will always be subtle or overt manipulation to make that happen and it can't be.  One of you doesn't want it.  And it's best to let that go.

Right now is time to do what is right for YOU...she has done what she felt was right for HER!  

The only way I'd even remotely consider her suggestion of resuming your relationship is by seeking couples counseling, getting to the bottom of why she handled it as she did and addressing it...really listen to the counselor and consider their input.  Otherwise you're in for more of the same, I'm sorry.  It's not acceptable and you deserve better.