Another wedding anniversary spent alone

[olemisfit]

I haven't been able to sleep tonight. I stretched out on the bed about 10:30 and dozed for about 45 minutes or so and then gave up on sleeping.  Too many sad thoughts on my mind I reckon. A tough trigger day to get through today. Cookie and I started our life together 44 years ago today.  March 7, 1975 was the best and happiest day of my life. We were each other's soul mate in every sense of the word. Our love for each other only got better and stronger as the years went by. We never expected perfection out of each other, but we both were perfect in each other's eyes. I always felt so proud and honored and grateful that she shared her life with me. Cookie completed me in so many wonderful ways. 

I wasn't Cookie's first husband. Her first marriage only lasted a couple of years. He died in a car accident.  He was emotionally and verbally abusive to her, and the first year or so of our marriage was a little rocky. She was afraid that if she dropped her guard that I would also be abusive. But I was willing to be patient with her.  And it paid off, just like I knew that it would. And the good life began for us. We enjoyed each other's company and companionship so very much. For the first half of our time together we ran businesses or looked for jobs that we could do together so that we could be together even while at work. Being around each other like that never created a problem for us. We fed off of it. But eventually that had to end when Cookie's health started going downhill, and she wasn't able to work anymore. And because those awful things called "bills" that still had to be paid I left the nest and became a truck driver.

Cookie died 66 days before our 41st anniversary. Today would've been our 44th. I'm into my 4th year without her. By now I have accepted the fact that I will most likely never get over her not being with me anymore. This solitude and loneliness reminds me of it a thousand times every day. This is the ugly side of love. Does the wonderful life we had together make all this hardship and loneliness I now experience a little easier to cope with?  Oh hell yes! Knowing what I know now is there anything I would do any differently if I could go back in time? Oh hell no! I live my life in the past now where all the good times are.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[kayc]

Darrel,

It's the one thing I am a loss for words for...wedding anniversaries without the partner...I'm not sure it ever gets any easier...we get more used to it, I never have figured out quite how to do that day.  It was the happiest day of my life too.  I'm sorry you tossed and turned, oh Lord how I get that!

I'm glad you had each other in your lives for so many years.  I'd be jealous but I know whether it's one year or 50, we lived life to the fullest and we were so lucky to have found each other...I think the good Lord knew that and put us together...soul mates.

[mlg]

The empathy I feel for you is bounding. I lost Tom 2 and 1/2 weeks before our 37th anniversary and about a month before my 60th b'day. Feb 6 would have been our 48th anniv. and instead of going out for a nice dinner I sat here with my dog.  I was glad to have Mr Shadow here to have something warm by my side.  Like you, everything wasn't always perfect but together we could do anything. Nothing could stop us but cancer.  Do you have a pet?  It's amazing how much better they can make you feel. It's somebody who loves you no matter what, is glad to see you when you get home.  It may be something to think about if you don't already have one.  I'm not going to tell you it gets better but it does get more "gentle".  At some point more of the happy thoughts will come to the surface and help push the sadness aside. I can't tell you when that will happen for you, but I'm relatively sure it will

[Gwenivere]

I hope you are right, MLG.  Going into my 5th year and just having passed what would have been our 36th anniversary, the pain feels worse as I go forward.  So much has changed that I had to face alone.  I’ve had to become educated about things I never needed to.  Try to find solutions by my judgement alone.  From large to small decisions like what sounds good for dinner.  I have the dogs, but they have become so dependent on me now.  I love them so much, but I often feel smothered.  Cancer undid us too.  Took one of our dogs a couple months before him to make our last months together even harder knowing it was coming.  I live sadness. It’s in every thought, breathe, interaction with the world now.  I’m growing older now and miss him more than ever.  I’m just another widow wandering aimlessly.

[kayc]

We never intended this growing old alone thing...

[olemisfit]

10 hours ago, mlg said:

The empathy I feel for you is bounding. I lost Tom 2 and 1/2 weeks before our 37th anniversary and about a month before my 60th b'day. Feb 6 would have been our 48th anniv. and instead of going out for a nice dinner I sat here with my dog.  I was glad to have Mr Shadow here to have something warm by my side.  Like you, everything wasn't always perfect but together we could do anything. Nothing could stop us but cancer.  Do you have a pet?  It's amazing how much better they can make you feel. It's somebody who loves you no matter what, is glad to see you when you get home.  It may be something to think about if you don't already have one.  I'm not going to tell you it gets better but it does get more "gentle".  At some point more of the happy thoughts will come to the surface and help push the sadness aside. I can't tell you when that will happen for you, but I'm relatively sure it will

Thanks for the kind words. They always help.  I think I can say that I don't get knocked off my feet by as many triggers these days, but the big ones still manage to broadside me.  I see in your profile you are in central illinois. I was born in the metropolis of Centralia. Interesting bit of unimportant trivia---Illinois has a town named Metropolis.

And yes I do have a pet. A rescue dog that we got in Dec. 2010. This wonderful little critter has kept me somewhat sane these past 3+ years.

v

 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[Johnny]

Hi Darrel,

I lost my wife just two months after we were married. We used to have great joy each day planning how we would spend our tomorrows together. I went from honeymoon to grief. I felt as if I had died on the night she passed away.

Our wedding cake is still in the freezer and it just about kills me when I open the door. I hope I can be with family on our wedding anniversary day.

I have a rescue as well. Looks like maybe a little bit Corgi?

 

[olemisfit]

16 hours ago, Johnny said:

Hi Darrel,

I lost my wife just two months after we were married. We used to have great joy each day planning how we would spend our tomorrows together. I went from honeymoon to grief. I felt as if I had died on the night she passed away.

Our wedding cake is still in the freezer and it just about kills me when I open the door. I hope I can be with family on our wedding anniversary day.

I have a rescue as well. Looks like maybe a little bit Corgi?

 

Hi Johnny. I like your pup. The bandanna is cute. I counted up one time that my wife and I were owned by 15 dogs over our years together. 13 of them were rescues. One that we shared our home with was a corgi/german shepherd mix. Try to imagine a german shepherd without legs! hehe

I'm very sorry for what brought you to this group. I'm sure you are already finding that you have an inner strength that you never realized you had---and of course wish you didn't have to dredge up. It sucks though, right?! All my best to you, my friend.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel