Who Will Accept Me For Me?

[shubom]

I couldn’t believe what happened this morning. I’ve been staying with my aunt, since I lost my mom. My aunt’s daughter, my cousin, has been acting funny towards me lately. Partly because her mom and I get along really well, whereas they always argue and fight. I don't know. But this morning when I got up, I was talking to my aunt about mirrors. Well my cousin decided to make a comment suggesting that I should look in a mirror. At first, I thought she was joking, but then she proceeded to say something about my hair and my clothes, and a makeover or something. It was horrible. I finally said, “Look...do you not realize that my outward appearance reflects what I'm feeling on the inside? I just lost my mom, I’m sad and depressed, and I don’t feel like playing doll.” But of course, she just blew it off and continued to talk. I wanted to scream out, Of course I know I’m not dress to impress! But that’s my choice and I just don’t feel like it! I just can’t believe how people can be so shallow.

I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I was in grade school trying to fit in again! I feel like my mom was the only one who accepted me the way I was. Loved me unconditionally. And now that she's gone, I feel alone, like no one understands.

So Now what?! Where do I go from here? If no one accepts me for who I am. How will I be in this world? Do I have to change my outward appearance, so my (shallow) relatives will accept me? I had a nice, peaceful home, where I could be who I was. And now.... I don’t!

[KathyD]

Shubom,

Although what your cousin said to you is in my mind completely insensitive you put it perfectly: she's shallow. She has no clue what you're going through and if her idea of who a person should be is based on appearance I'd toss her opinion out the door. You are who you are on the inside and I would guess that the majority of people that know you see that. You didn't mention your aunt making hurtful comments so if it's just your cousin I guess I'd think to myself "she has no understanding of my situation and I'm glad I'm not like her, someone who is self-absorbed and who can only think of appearances." You're better than that and I'd try not to let her comments get you down. Consider the source.

Kathy

[Paul S]

Amen to what KathyD said, shubom. There's another couple of points to consider: she may just be jealous of your relationship with her mom, and that is manifesting in her shallow, cold, insensitive attitude. Since the 2 always argue, she's just trying to get at you in some way. Also, just consider the source. You said she's shallow, and although its hard, as we all want/need approval in these times (of grief), but sometimes we just have to consider "Why is THIS person's opinion so important?" You can't (and shouldn't try) to please everyone, just yourself. Stick to YOUR values, YOUR sense of self and accept you for you. Once you accept yourself, you will start attracting people much like you: kind, loving, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate.

This is something I've been trying to reason with (myself) recently. Actually, for years, but my success is sporadic. But I'm better now, but as with any shock to a system, some things that have been learned get unlearned.

Anyway, it's like this: picture 2 people in front of you. One person likes you a lot, thinks you're the greatest thing since garlic pizza. You can do little wrong with this person, you're just neato-torpedo with her. The other person can't stand you. Thinks you're slime. Which person is going to affect your opinion of yourself?

Depends on how well you've accepted yourself for you. If you're going through a period of grief, you'll agree with the person who thinks you're slime. Somewhere I read, I think it was the text that Hope for Bereaved puts out where I learned that while grieving, ones' self-esteem drops to about a fifth of what it may have been before. It's a bereavement center that I did some counseling with back in December. I go to their monthly support group meetings when I can. Next one is Tuesday. Through their website I found these boards!) So you are very susceptible to other peoples' negative feelings about you. You're very down about losing your Mom, and so what your cousin says about you just seems to hit you right to the marrow.

Down the road, after you've recovered more, you won't give a rodent's backside to what she says. You'll still miss your Mom, of course, but you'd have incorporated her loss into your life better, feel better about yourself, and will have learned to accept yourself for who you are: all those nice thing I said way up above.

We, on these boards, all think you're pretty cool.

[Maylissa]

Shubom,

Everyone's right...including yourself! You already had the right answer, inside yourself, but it's also okay to run all these horrid events past all of us here, of course! We all need those shots in the arm when grieving, and that's part of our collective 'job' here. It's all part of a support network.

And don't worry if you can't find self-acceptance right now. You're depleted, like Paul said, when in mourning. Much later on, you'll probably remember this incident and realize how that sting wouldn't have been as painful had you not been in such a vulnerable state...even though it certainly was a hurtful thing to say, under any circumstances. I agree, though...I think your cousin's remark is little more than jealousy. We all know how those bonds between us and our mothers are jealously guarded, so she may be feeling quite threatened by your presence in 'her' home. But she doesn't have a clue what it's like to have lost her own mother...how could she? HER mother's standing right in front of her, talking to and being nicer...to YOU! It's petty, for sure, and maybe someday you'll have some words of wisdom for your cousin, but right now, you don't have to expend any more energy worrying about a reaction that's part of HER inner world. If it helps, for now, just focus on how much more experienced and wise YOU are ( w/o getting snobby about it! ) and use that to feel better about yourself. Least, that's what I'd try to do. And BTW, I think your reply to her was excellent! WE understand, even if your silly cousin doesn't!

[shell]

Shubom,

I agree with Paul and Maylissa......JEALOUSY!!!!!! And , as Maylissa said, your reply was great.

I was wondering about your house. Would your sister go there with you or is that possible? Maybe with some re-arranging and constant exposure you could go back home. Then you wouldn't have to be subjected to your cousins jealousy and pettiness. I dunno, just a thought.

And I understand about not caring about your appearance right now. Maybe I was extremely vain, but I would never leave the house without my makeup on. I still mostly make an effort when I'm going out, but I have actually gone to the store without makeup. Something I would never have done before. I just don't care or have the energy to worry about it like I did at one time. And I just don't care what people think of me. So, don't worry about it.

As Paul said, "We on the boards think you're pretty cool"

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

shubom:

shell has a good point, about going back to the house and re-arranging things. Maybe, over the next year, you and your sister can spend some time re-arranging the place, to make it your own. As my face-to-face grief counselor would say, "when you have the readiness and willingness" to do such a thing. This would occupy your time during the year you are taking to decide on the house's future, plus give you the opportunity to 'wean yourself' back into the place, so you can live there if that's what you decide to do, instead of selling or renting it. You never said, does your cousin live with you and your Aunt?

[shell]

Paul,

Speaking of jealousy, I think that may be your evil sisters problem. You said that you feel judged (or something to that effect) by your family and that if you don't react or do the things they want you to (like bros upcoming visit) they will just say that you are the one causing all the rifts. It seems to me that people like that are trying to cover up or excuse their OWN inadequacies . Also, you are the one that took care of your mom and she may feel that you looked better, so to speak, than she did. That you did the right thing and were there for her, when she wasn't (or how there was she?). Anyway, I feel like your sisters "crazy" attitudes and feelings about you are deep-rooted in jealousy. Just my amateur phycho babble, of course!

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Yeah, that's what had ocurred to me from time to time, esp with my sister Damien. I know that when Mom was in the hospital it was a very bad thing for me to mention that I had spoonfed her. Oops. Also, it may explain the speed and rapidity with which she swooped in after Mom died, pushed me aside, and took over. Esp the sorting and tossing out of Mom's stuff so quickly. That house was my home, and she was attacking and uprooting me ASAP. Perhaps as revenge for the intimacy I developed with Mom. I dunno.

There may be a bit of revisionist history being told about my roles and responsibilities re: Mom, but that may be just my paranoia, as no one is talking to me, aside from the idiot jokes, pic and vids.

How there was she? She only visited when she had to, i.e. birthday, Mother's Day, and other secular or religious holidays that families use for visiting. Also, some of Mom's doctor appointments. I've been searching through my brain, trying to remember when she last visited Mom that wan't tied in with something else, you know, just to come and see Mom for no reason. Couldn't come up with any. Now, all these holidays, etc., and doc appts were spread out so that she was her every few months or so, but still... I know Mom would've been happy for just a visit.

This ties in with shubom's topic inasmuch as my sis apparently needed reasons for doing things, couldn't just see Mom for Mom, and also her shallow, judgemental jealousy, like shubom's cousin.

[shell]

Paul,

I would say there was definitely some jealousy, not just some, but a lot! My mom has always said that when people act ugly for no logical reason they are usually jealous. I have found this to be true over and over again. Unfortunately, there seems to be nuttin' to do about it. It's an emotion that runs very deep and cannot be resolved by any actions on your part. But, that's HER problem, not yours. And I'm sure most of the rest of the family has her number.

Hugs,

Shell

[shubom]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm actually at my house right now. One day, I got so overwhelmed with emotions, and just NEEDED to go home and recuperate. I wanted to feel sorta safe and comfortable again. I spent a few hours the first day, and then the next time, a few more hours. I'm trying to build up everyday. Of course I haven't told my aunt or other family members what I've been doing, because of what they'd might say. I really don't want to hear it. You know?! I just want to prepare myself for the day they decide to STOMP on me. I'm hoping by that time, I'll be able to stand on my own 2 feet emotionally. My cousin doesn't live at her mom's house (my aunt). However her kids do. My aunt adopted her grandkids because my cousin wouldn't take care of them. So I agree with Paul saying, "..... Consider the source".

I do think she's jealous of the fact that me and her mom get along well. It just erks me ! Because at least she still has a chance to make things good with her mom ! Ugh !

Shell, I agree with you about rearranging the house. The more I come home, the more comfortable I'm starting to feel. I'm starting to move things around, and water my mom's plants. It's so sad. I miss her so much.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it. IT's been a rough week for me. Especially with it being close to Mother's Day.

[shell]

Shubom,

I'm so glad you are becoming more comfortable at your house. Just keep up the exposure and you are going to make it just fine.

As far as your cousin, Paul is right....consider the source, and just ignore her. Jealousy is something, I have found, that you can do nothing about. It's her problem and she'll just have to deal with herself! Just take care of yourself and don't let her get under your skin (easier said than done, I know!)

Hang in there, you're doing good,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi shubom!

I may have missed something somewhere, but if its not an intrusion, why would your family stomp on you? If its none of our business, just say: "Bug off, Paul!"

But I do know all about wanting to stand on ones' own feet emotionally before dealing with family. As I've said elewehere, it's like your a plant that needs to be nurtured and protected before your can branch out and spread on your own.

So your cousin can't take care of her own kids, and she has the nerve to comment on your appearance!?!?!? "Boy, some people," as my Mom would say.

But you're doing good, kid. Hang in there.

Paul

[tara12]

I think I finally am accetping today at least , that ,people are just some people that is , are unable to cope with death ( full stop )... thats what this is ., people who cant and havent dealt with death , orare afraid of death or fear death , or FEAR our grief , can and cant and wont be able to give to us . they jsut cant ....... they are afraid of grief , afraid they may not know what to do , dont want to have to DEAL WITH IT . its toooooomuch for them. not even like we have to say or be or do anything , its just even in their own heads , they jsut cant and wont go there , they are afraid even to be around us , incase its contagious....

like the plague , they walk around avoiding us , waiting for it to PASS.......

know this and it helps , know a very few will listen , or give space or wont compare , wont compete , know many people suffer in many ways and some people cant stand others suffering in ways they think may be worse than them , so they have to compete with you or compare with you ........ but there are a few good freinds who will emerge , strangers even... theya re worht more than gold . the rest can be crossed out of your address book .. and u can be kind and warm to them , but dont worry about thinking or expecting more . one day they may change , one day they will face what we have and maybe we will eb the ones who understand and listen and care....... maybe not ......... but the ones whoa re like gold the ones how care for us now , these are your our , lifetime friends who will be there thick and thin and they are there , EVEN ONE PERSON LIKE THIS IS WORTH MORE THAN HUNDREDS ........

YOUR FINE , IM FINE , WE ARE ALL OK JSUT HOW WE ARE........... KNOW THIS AND LET GO OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SEEMINGLY SO COLD AND SELFISH AND INSTEAD THINK , WOW , POOR PEOPLE , SO SHALLOW AND SO AFRAID ...... AND FEEL FOR THEM......... THIS HELPS ME NOW A LOT ....... iM FINE . IM STRONG AND I WLL BE OK... AND SO ARE U .

I MISS MY MUM AND DAD TOOOOOOO HEAPS . WISH I COULD HUG THEM ... AND I SAY IT OUT LOUD TO THEM , I LOVE YOU ...... THEY HEAR IT I KNOW.......... ITS OK ,

BE WELL

[shell]

Tara,

You are so right. You just have to let go of the people who, for whatever reason, aren't there for you. Some are harder to let go of than others and it hurts more, but they are not worth the pain.

We are all stronger than we think. We will be ok, you're right. Glad you are having this frame of mind, and I wish you so much luck with your new "adventure".

Hugs,

Shell