Lost my wife

[Dewayne]

My name is dewayne. I lost my wife of 28 years to complications from diabetes in September of 2018 so it has been just under 6 months and I think I’m getting worse. My 1st mistake was this guy I know said he had something that would make me feel better, some loratabs. So I started taking somewhere and there and it made the pain go away as long as I had them. But now I’m trying to quit them and I’m dealing with the withdrawals from that and all the old pain I never dealt with is still with me. I don’t know how much longer I can fight. I loved her so much.

[Gwenivere]

Welcome, Dewayne to the world none of us want to live in.  I don’t know what the circumstances were of your wife’s passing, but I do know everything you have ever known changes in an instant.  Sadly, it will never be the same or even close.  That you have reached out seems the shock that protects us for a bit is wearing off and now those feelings can’t be masked, even behind meds.  You are not the first person who tried to medicate thru mental pain.  Most use alcohol.  If it made the pain go away, to me it says you were taking too much.  I don’t know if you have a physical condition yourself you were also trying to handle.  You have 2 issues.  A medical professional can help you with the meds/addiction.  The grief has many options.  You may not have all of them depending on your life situation.  There is this place with fantastic people that know exactly what you are going thru losing a spouse, be it sudden or long term, grief counselors you can see, groups if you prefer being with people, family (if you have any) and even your doctor can help you too.  There is also crisis numbers you can call if you think you may harm yourself.  

I know you are having a terribly hard time, but if you can, perhaps you can supply more information that anyone here has experience with could help you more?

My sincerest und erstanding about losing your life partner.  

[kayc]

Dewayne,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife...six months isn't that long ago, it can be one of the harder times as reality has set in and often support has gone home and we're still left grappling with how to do our life...

I hope you will consider seeing a doctor and also a grief counselor that can help you.  Meanwhile, it helps to come here and express yourself, it helps you to know your feelings are normal for the situation and you are not alone in this.

I wrote this article at about ten years out, I hope something in it will be of help to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[iPraiseHim]

On 3/11/2019 at 2:20 PM, Dewayne said:

My name is dewayne. I lost my wife of 28 years to complications from diabetes in September of 2018 so it has been just under 6 months and I think I’m getting worse. My 1st mistake was this guy I know said he had something that would make me feel better, some loratabs. So I started taking somewhere and there and it made the pain go away as long as I had them. But now I’m trying to quit them and I’m dealing with the withdrawals from that and all the old pain I never dealt with is still with me. I don’t know how much longer I can fight. I loved her so much.

Dewayne,

My wife of 25 years also passed away from complications of diabetes.  I comprehend and empathize with your pain and grief.  My wife died four years ago (February 16, 2015).  I was in SHOCK and AWE for a very long time.  This group was instrumental in helping me understand and deal with this grief by  listening, caring, and sharing. You are welcome to look up my posts, Shock and Awe, because, like you, I was trying  to make sense out of it.  We were inseparable until that fateful day. Deep love results in deep grief for the surviving partner (US).  You, me, and everyone who comes here. Welcome to our family.  - George  - Shalom