Please help boyfriend left after loss of my mom

[Heartbroken12]

I’m not sure how much help or advice this will elicit. I am struggling to say the least. I am a mother of 4. My oldest is 8 I have a 4,2, and 6 month old. My boyfriend and I have the 3 youngest together my oldest is from a former relationship. We’ve had ups and downs in our relationship. Some moments where he’s left and I thought it was the absolute end and we managed to figure it out. After having 3 kids so close I’m abt naturally more arguments and other things came up. Back in August we had our youngest son. By October we had a massive fight he left to live at his moms. During this time my mom stepped up and helped with mi kids. A few days before Christmas my boyfriend came back in the picture. A few days after Christmas my life turned upside down. My mom who I just talked to the night before had a hemorrhage a few days later she was declared brain dead and that’s how 2018 ended and 2019 started with burying my mom the day before one of sons turned 2. During this time my boyfriend chose to go through an iPad tried to draw parallels to me cheating or having interest in others he chose to bring this up the night my mom passed. At her viewing he shook hands of everyone but me. I was mortified and hurt. A week later he wanted to come back home I allowed it little things came up here and there but he had been better somewhat. A few nights ago he decided to end said hurtful things one thing sticking out was telling me he acts how he does bc I allow it so it’s really my fault. He told me hated me and how we have kids together and how he wants to give energy and time to someone else bc how rocky things had been. I’m dealing with losing my coming up on 3 months. Juggling a teaching career which is a reminder everyday of my mom who was a teacher and my children. This relationship and that seems like a perfect storm of hurt and devastation. I don’t know how to get back to me. I feel like things will always be in this rut and grieving. But more so feeling like I’ll be alone forever and without support as my mom was my constant support. 

 

[kayc]

Hi, I'm sorry you are hurting so much.  It seems the first place to start would be to get your life back on track to a place of calm...the last thing you need to deal with is drama and upset while you're grieving the loss of your mother.  I think deep inside you know things are not working with the BF.  In order for it to stand a chance you both need to learn to deal with each other in a healthier way...you being able to vocalize calmly but firmly, taking a stand for yourself and your children, and him not resorting to manipulative and abusive behavior.  I don't know what his motives are but it's not healthy for either of you.  Have you considered couples counseling?  Even if he refuses, it'd be good for you to go.

Being a teacher requires a lot, so does being a mother to four children, especially so young.  You've lost your main support, your mom, and it's going to be important to recruit help, even if it means paying for it.

There is a lot of help here on this site.  Marty has a course for the first year of grief, plus there is a list of books (not that you have a lot of time for reading, but maybe a chapter a night?) 
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html also meditations (start with short ones), articles https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/ and so much more.

It does help to express yourself, to know you are heard and understood is validating.  It also helps to read other's posts to know you are not alone in your grief.

If you have any questions or are looking for specific help, please let us know, we'll do what we can to address it.

One of the survival techniques I've used in my life and my daughter is now employing in super hard times is to get up, look in the mirror, and tell myself, "Your value does not depend upon what others think of you" and "It won't be like this forever."  It's important to note, however, that if nothing changes...nothing changes.  In other words, it's important to take that first step towards healthiness in your life.  If you listen to your inner voice, I think you'll know what you need to do.

This article may be of help to you too:  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html