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Jessica061010

I lost my baby boy on 3/10/19 he was 15w6d

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I’ve never done anything like this before so I’m not really sure how to start so I’ll start at the beginning I am 36yrs old and I have two children a daughter that is 14yrs and we have a son who is 12yrs my husband and I have been trying to conceive for seven years. Two years ago we got pregnant and found out that it was a tubal I had to have one of my tubes removed because it was so damaged. In December 2018 we found out that we were pregnant again and from the beginning this pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster the first doctor I seen told me that the sack was there but no baby was developing inside and even though my hCG numbers were high and continuing to rise that the pregnancy was not viable he set me up to have a D&C procedure done. A day before the procedure was set to happen another doctor from his office called and asked if we can come in so they can just do another ultrasound since she would be the one performing the procedure. Surprisingly to us when she did the ultrasound she found a heartbeat. My husband myself and my kids were truly excited I was extra cautious I didn’t lift anything over 20 pounds my family helped all around the house I didn’t work no unnecessary stress was added everything was going great all of my visits hit the mark my baby was growing as it should his heartbeat was as it should. In the middle of January and February I started having a mucousy discharge the color with a very from brown to yellow to slightly pink I was assured by my providers that this was totally normal a lot of women experience this it was nothing for me to be worried about. Other than the discharge the only discomfort that I had during this whole pregnancy was constipation which was annoying and uncomfortable but never painful. We did genetic testing everything came back negative we were informed we are going to have a baby boy we even set up a dinner that was supposed to happen on March 17 to inform our family of the gender of our baby. Unfortunately on Saturday, March 9 I went to the ER because I had a headache a little bit of spotting very similar to what I had prior I wasn’t concerned about that I was more concerned about the headache. When I got to the ER they took my blood pressure they said your blood pressure is slightly elevated that’s probably why you have a headache they roomed me I waited for the doctor to come in the doctor did an over the belly ultrasound he showed me the baby the baby looked fine he told me that the heart rate was at 160 which is good my husband then came in the room the doctor asked if he can do a pelvic exam to check for any infections he explained to us that sometimes if you have an infection can cause some bleeding I said OK didn’t think anything of it I’ve had plenty of pelvic exams through my life I am a 36-year-old woman. While he was doing the exam he did say he noticed a white patch of something that he couldn’t get out so he left it alone as soon as he took the speculum out I started to have cramping. I asked the doctor if this was normal he told me yes sometimes after a pelvic exam you get cramping and you might even see some bleeding, once again I assumed it was totally normal nothing to worry about I went to the bathroom I wiped myself I did see a little bit of brown blood wasn’t concerned the doctor came back in the room and said that he would like us to have a formal ultrasound that way they can check the cervix and see the baby in more detail and make sure that the placement of the placenta was OK. Me and my husband agreed when we got to the ultrasound department I again asked ultrasound tech if cramping should be normal because I was having cramping now she explained to me and even kind of jokingly laughed saying I even have cramping when I get my pelvic exams so I didn’t think anything of it she proceeded to do the ultrasound. She told me everything looked good and the heart rate that she got on the baby was 154. She told us she would have the radiologist look over it and send the report to the ER doctor. At this time the cramping is mild I’m able to deal with it so I don’t Say anything about it because I’ve already asked twice and was told that it was normal. The doctor came back and said that he spoke to the radiologist and the radiologist said that my ultrasound looked great everything was where was supposed to be at my cervix was closed. My husband and I then asked about the blood he reassured us that the blood was not coming from the baby he said that maybe when I was straining to use the restroom perhaps a blood vessel broke but not to worry regarding the baby because the blood was not coming from the baby he even reminded me of the ultrasound that he did in the room and reminded me of the heart rate of 160. At 10:30pm when we got discharged from the ER I started having severe cramps i’m still putting it off thinking this is because I had the pelvic exam even though I’ve had pelvic exam before and I’ve never experienced cramping like this but I was still thinking he would not have discharge me if there was something wrong I came home and went to sleep I woke up a few times during the night because of the pain. When I woke up in the morning I was still having the pain my husband and my daughter left to go run some errands. I got up I use the restroom when I wiped I saw the light pink no bright red or anything like that. I got in the shower thinking it would help alleviate some of the pain it did not! The pain was excruciating When I got out of the shower I could barely make it to my bed I felt like I was going to pass out I was sweating and I was thinking I just need to lay down for a little while and go to sleep and when I wake up this pain has to be gone. I told myself when I get up again if I’m still having pain I’m going back to the hospital. I slept for maybe 45 minutes I woke up I was still in pain I went to use the restroom once I finished urinating I wiped myself stood up from the toilet and I felt a gush of liquid come out I crazily thought to myself did I not finish peeing or did I not wipe myself correctly, I went to wipe myself again and I felt something passed through I stood there in shock for a minute thinking there’s no way!! I looked down and I saw my baby hanging from me, To be completely honest I was in shock frozen there for at least a minute and looked at my baby he looked perfect to me he was fully formed but he wasn’t breathing. I sat back down on the toilet called for my 12yr old son to bring my cell phone I called 911 first they told me they were dispatching an ambulance to my home I then called my husband he told me he was on his way in would meet me at the hospital. when the paramedics got to my home they told me that they were going to try to pull the the rest out because the placenta was still stuck in me. I started crying and hyperventilating he tried to pull and it hurt so bad that I asked him to please stop he then asked his partner for some scissors he cut the baby from the umbilical cord and placed my baby in a red plastic biohazard bag. They loaded me and my baby in the ambulance it took about seven minutes to get to the hospital. I got room fairly quickly the ER doctor came in I explained to him what happened the night before and what had happened at my home he asked if he can take a look to see if the placenta was coming out on its own when he looked he saw a large blood clot come out he said that he was going to call the on-call OB/GYN down to further assist him. Once the OB/GYN came in I explain the situation to her she told me that she was going to give me some medication to help the labor continue so I could push the placenta out myself. I asked her if I could see my baby she showed me him he looked beautifully perfect to me I asked her how could this happen when I was just here and I was told everything was fine he looks perfect she just gave me a sympathetic look and said sometimes these things happen. About three minutes after she said that to me I got very lightheaded my heart rate dropped she rush back in the next thing I know it was very frantic around me they were telling me I had to go to the O.R I was losing too much blood she explained to me that she was going to have to do a procedure which was a D&C to remove the rest of the placenta. I agreed the next thing I remember was waking up in recovery the doctor telling me that I lost a lot of blood and I had to get a transfusion while they were performing the procedure but the procedure went successfully and they were able to get the rest of the placenta out and no further damage was done. At the hospital that we went to if your baby doesn’t make it to 20 weeks they don’t usually release the remains to you they send it to pathology my husband and I opted out of sending the baby to pathology because we would rather have his remains with us I was very worried that he would’ve just have gotten discarded after testing was done we were told that if testing is done they would not release him to us. We Named our baby boy River today we went to the mortuary to set up arrangements to have him cremated. This whole ordeal has been so Trumatic for me and my family I have so many unanswered questions like is it possible that the ER doctor did something wrong on Saturday night and set me into preterm labor could my body not hold it, was there something wrong with my cervix I just don’t understand. It seems surreal to me that in less than 24 hours I went from being pregnant and happy to being miserable and feeling lost without a purpose. I’m writing on here to see if anybody has had any experience like what I went through or if anybody has any advice any books or anything to help me cope with this. The staff at the hospital and my family and friends have been great they’ve given me a lot of support but it doesn’t really comfort me to hear somebody say you can try again, sometimes things like this just happen, it’s God has a plan. especially when I can’t see that plan from where I am. I thank God that I woke up in the recovery room I thank God for the two children I do have but this situation has weathered my spirit and my faith dramatically. Any advice given is truly appreciated even me writing this out has help me. I thank you all for even reading my story.

 

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My dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain, and I'm so sorry this heartbreaking loss has happened to you and your family. As a mom whose baby died shortly after birth, I can appreciate and related to the way you are feeling now, and I know how your empty arms are aching to hold and love and mother your baby who died.

You've asked for advice on how to cope with this, so I invite you to read this article. Please take note of all the resources embedded there, along with all the links listed at the end: Silent Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss  ♥️

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Oh my dear, my heart goes out to you!  You are the same age as my daughter, she wanted so much to have children, but she lost two and then her husband abandoned her (now he's back trying to steal her apartment but not back in the marriage).  I have lost three, one I was 4 1/2 months along, I was all alone when it happened.  Like you, they did a D&C each time.

The emotional impact of losing a very wanted child is great.  It was so hard!  My husband and I were very private with it, like you said, it doesn't help having people say stupid things.  I remember the last time it happened, I had a dead baby inside of me, I had an appt. for the D&C, I attended a friend's baby shower, no one knew about the pregnancy yet except my husband and our family...I got teased at the baby shower because two friends announced they were pregnant, gals were laughing and saying maybe I should figure out how they did it, it was very hurtful!  I'd been going to a fertility specialist for two years.  Eventually I did go on to have a daughter and then a son, but I will never forget what I went through in the earlier years, how it felt, how hurtful people's comments were.  They never would have meant to hurt me, it's just ignorance and not knowing better.

River is a beautiful name and I know you will never forget your little boy.  I don't know why some people go through these things.  I don't think it's because it's "God's will", doesn't even make sense, but I do know He was there with me when I went through it and cares very deeply for us and all that we go through.  Your River will never be forgotten, he will live on in your heart.

 

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