I lost my sweet baby cat. I feel completely gutted.

[Buster's Mom]

I am so sad, it hardly feels real.

I had to put my 16 year old kitty cat (baby cat, lil man) to sleep yesterday. He was a stray cat who meowed at my door when I was 25 and I let him in and fell in love with him absolutely.  He was feral for a good long time, but in his older years mellowed into a tough but sweet lap cat who just loved being pet and held and given treats. He would wait for me every day at the door, wake me up in the morning and cuddle with me at night. I loved him with my whole heart for 16 years, and he was there through thick and thin.  He traveled to 4 states with me, a constant in a turbulent time in my life, and was loyal to me to a fault.   But we found out, suddenly, that he had lung cancer. The doctors told me that even if I went all out and gave him surgery and chemo, there was very little chance of survival past 6 months.  He was a bit fragile due to his hyperthyroidism that I've given him medication for for 5 years and I couldn't see putting him through that at 16. He had recovered slightly from his initial trouble breathing, but over the course of a month we watched him start to have trouble breathing again which was terrifying. Towards the end he would try to get up on our laps, start purring, then have to jump down because it was too taxing on him which just broke my heart. He was sleeping a lot, still eating, but just listless. We worked with a wonderful hospice vet, who helped us to know it was his time. I know that letting him go was the right choice for him, no animal deserves to go through that kind of pain, but I cannot describe how much I miss him.  I am devastated. My stomach is tied in knots. I'm feel bereft and kind of unmoored without him to take care of and without his calm affection at the end of my day.  

I want to ask "How do you make it stop?" It feels unbearable to feel this way. I keep remembering when he transitioned at home, it was peaceful but so devastating too see him go.  I can't stop thinking that I wish I had one more day with him, and I know that I'm trying to bargain and to what end.  I can't stop my brain from going there right now.  How do people get through this?  I don't want to run from it but it feels excruciating.  I just want him back. 

[MartyT]

My dear, I am so sorry for your pain ~ but all I can tell you is that this is what grief feels like. Yes, it is excruciating. Yes, of course you want him back. And yes, you wish you had one more day with him. The grief you're feeling is in direct proportion to the level of attachment you have toward your kitty cat. We do not mourn for those we do not love. You will get through this, and know that this pain will ease a bit as time goes on ~ because, like everything else, grief changes ~ but for now, be patient with yourself, and let yourself lean into the pain.

Can you share with us a picture or two of your lil man? 

I offer these articles for you, in hopes that they may help:

Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief?

Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief

Pet Loss: Cannot Stop Crying

 

[Buster's Mom]

Marty, Thank you so much.  Here is a picture of my lil baby cat. He was nearly 16. 

[kayc]

On 3/18/2019 at 10:39 PM, Buster's Mom said:

I want to ask "How do you make it stop?" It feels unbearable to feel this way.

It does feel unbearable in the beginning.  The pain lessens as time goes by.  I've found it helps to memorialize them in some way.  

[Buster's Mom]

Kay C, 

Thank you, yes. I haven't found the right way to do this yet, but I think that will be important moving on.  It just feels so heavy in my heart. I keep expecting to see him around every corner and miss him so much.  I love all cats, but he was my special "heart cat."  

[kayc]

I have been buying these personalized stones as I lose my dog or cat...I have a bigger one I bought for my husband since I scattered his ashes in the back yard, I wanted something visible to commemorate the spot...they are all together and it's where I want my ashes someday, my kids call it the family burial plot.

https://www.personalcreations.com/product/pawprints-in-heaven-memorial-marker-30192930?q=30192930&start=&spell=&srchSuggestion=y&trackingpgroup=pid

 

[Buster's Mom]

Thank you for this, I'm thinking of printing out a special picture and making an area to display it in our apartment, maybe with a candle or a favorite toy.

Buster was an amazing cat. From feral to friendly, I felt like he chose me and shepherded me through so many different places in my life. My constant companion. He was also really naughty as a young cat and I loved him for it. He was an excellent communicator. If meowing 2 hours early for his supper wasn't working, he'd find a glass of water and tip it over, or find a way to get on the highest shelf and knock something off while pointedly staring at me . But in the end, he was just a sweet lap cat.  When I got home after work, he'd immediately curl up on my lap and start purring and rubbing his cheeks on my hands.  

I miss him so much. The house feels really empty without him.  I've been sick the last few days since we had to put him to sleep on Sunday and I'm just even more distraught because the lack of him is so obvious.  I'm taking comfort in the fact that he was such a happy cat, for so many years, but I am still processing and feeling sad and guilty that we didn't know about the cancer earlier. Mad at some of the vets I took him to last year who didn't think it was significant that he was coughing or occasionally throwing up.  I found new vets, and they were great, but it was too late. I tried to take care of him the best I could, giving him pills twice a day for his hyperthyroid and towards the end, meds for his inflammation.  I can't help wondering if I could've done more and I feel very guilty. 

But mostly, I feel just plain sad.  I just wish he was here right now. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss!  It's amazing to befriend a feral cat, it doesn't usually happen, I tried over the course of two years, named the cat Peek-a-Boo as he'd always peek at me gingerly from around a corner, he was very skittish but I fed him.  Someone let him in the house one time, that was NOT a good idea!  He went beserk and literally climbed the walls!  He felt trapped and it was hard to guide him back out of the house to where he felt safe.  He had to be put down as he had a lot of physical problems, some contagious, and he was an older cat living in the wild.  That you could get this close to a feral cat is truly amazing.  I'm sorry the vets didn't give him better care and concern.  

Guilt is a common grief feeling, we go through all the what-ifs trying to find a different outcome, but remember these are feelings and feelings needn't be fact-based.  It doesn't mean you deserve to feel guilty.  I hope these articles will be of help to you.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

[Buster's Mom]

Thank you so much for replying KayC.  He was such a special baby, he become such a sweet lap cat. Truth is that he wanted to be that way from the beginning I think   He would come to me for pets at first and then get overwhelmed and bite. But he just adjusted over time.  Peek-a-boo sounds like a darling little kitty.  It's true that feral cats are just so skittish, and it sounds like a crazy experience to have him in the house!  

I think I'm just feeling guilty about the vets, I medicated the cat twice daily for hyperthyroid and diabetes for 5 five years and was so tuned in to his health around these issues that I think I may have not seen his breathing change.  After an initial trip to the hospital for dyspnea we were able to keep him and spoil him for another few weeks in good health before he began to decline again.  We tried so hard to take good care of him.  

Thank you for the articles, I'm going to read them now.  I'm sure they will bring comfort.  Here's another few pictures of my bb cat. 

[kayc]

Your beautiful cat looks so much like Peek-a-Boo!  Except he was much older and didn't look in good health.  I'm glad your cat found you, it gave him a better life than he would have had on his own, he is so pretty.