No reason to live after the loss of my baby girl cat

[poeticapathy]

3 days ago my precious baby girl Itty Bitty (cat) unexpectedly passed away. She was only 8. She suddenly started acting strange and just not herself at all. Took her to the vet and they said she needed to go to the emergency vet ASAP. Went to the emergency vet and they said she was having renal failure and to keep her alive it was going to be $1500 for the initial care plus $$$$$ for each treatment session she would need for the rest of her life and we just couldn’t afford that. They said putting her down was the best option at that point.

After she was put down we took her home and buried her in the yard.

I’ve been a basket case ever since and I don’t see myself getting better. Despite being on blood pressure meds my bp kept getting higher and higher until I finally went to see my dr at the request of my family as they were afraid I would have a stroke or heart attack. I was put on another bp med as well as Trazodone for sleep and depression.

Nothing is helping. Tho was my baby. MINE. She has been in my life since the day she was born. She chose ME right away as her human. Her favorite thing to do was to climb onto my chest and lay on me chest and shoulder while I held her up with one or both of my arms. She would sit with me like this for hours.

I’ve dealt with depression for many years now and having Itty Bitty in my life was the only piece of happiness I had. I was holding on to life because she was in it and now that she is gone I have nothing left to live for. My one piece of happiness is gone. I’m pissed af at myself because I was not there the last 2 weeks of her life. I missed out on the last 2 weeks of giving her shoulder cuddles and I hate myself for it. I can’t sleep or eat, I’m exhausted and I’m physical pain from my grief. We had a bond I’ve not had with any other animal before. I just want to be in heaven with her so we can cuddle forever.

No one in my life understands the extend of my pain. I have no one to talk to. “It’s just a pet” some have said. My mother tells me I need to snap out of it. I CANT. Literally all I can do is lay in bed bawling and thinking about going to heaven to be with my baby 😥

[MartyT]

The pain you are feeling is real, whether others understand its extent or not. You might read and share with your family one or more of the articles listed on this page to assure them (and yourself) that you are not "crazy" or "over-reacting": Pet Loss .

I also urge you to find a grief counselor who is informed about the grief that accompanies the loss of a cherished companion animal. You need and deserve the support of others who DO understand and who will validate your reactions. Coming here is fine, and please know that we welcome you with open arms and caring hearts ~ but given the feelings you describe, I think you would do well to find some face-to-face, in-person support as well. Such services are listed here: Helplines, Message Boards, Chats and here: Pet Loss Counseling ♥️

[poeticapathy]

Thank you Marty. Unfortunately I do not have health insurance and can not afford counseling out of pocket. I wish I could though.

[Buster's Mom]

 I’m so so sorry to hear of your loss.  My own kitty died recently and it’s really really raw still.  Even if you don’t have health insurance you might want to look in your local area for a Pet loss support group.  I recently attended one and it was hard but helpful to sit with others who understand how hard this can be.  You are not alone.  

You can also call hotlines for help and I would urge you to continue reaching out and get the support you need. Here is a comprehensive list of supports (some are local and might not apply to you but scroll down for phone hot lines).

http://www.agentlerest.com/pet-loss-support.html

This is very hard.  Please be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

 

 

[kayc]

I don't know where you live but the grief support group I have is for any loss, although it's been mostly widows so far, but everyone would be understanding as we're all pet lovers and understand how much the loss hurts.  You might call around churches or vets to see if they have or know of a free grief support group you could attend.  I notice the above link Buster's Mom listed are for CA.

I am so sorry for your loss of Itty Bitty, it's easy to tell how much you love her and how hard this is for you.  Sending you hugs...

I hope you will continue to come here and post.  

[poeticapathy]

Thank you. I ended up passing out this afternoon which resulted in my mother calling 911 and the ambulance taking me to the ER. Apparently the emotional stress, not eating or drinking much and the meds my dr put me on all we’re the probable causes of this fainting spell. I’ve been instructed to force myself to eat and drink even if I’m not up to it, and to stop the new meds I was put on.

[Buster's Mom]

I hope you continue to take good care of yourself and continue to post as much as you need to about your feelings.  I urge you to try to find some support in your area it has been so helpful for me to talk face to face with people who understand this kind of loss.

Sending hugs.

[kayc]

Wow, that can be really scary!  Take care of yourself, I got dehydrated when we had that bad storm that lasted for days (we had no electricity for 8-9 days and I'm on a well so no water), I think I was conserving water too much, I know that can cause fainting.  Try a smoothie if you don't feel like eating.

[Maylissa]

I hear you, poeticapathy. Great loss, recurring depression (always "situational" for me), being chosen by your furbaby, a bond beyond measure, kidney failure, not having support, feeling there's nothing left to live for, and more.

I know you can't magically un-hear the cold hearted things ignorant people say to you once they're said (suffered many of those myself), but please try to disregard them as much as you're able. (I used my anger over this, as required, and cut several such folks out of my life as necessary) I also know how difficult and exhausting it can be to try and find the professional, or even lay help you need, particularly when finances are tight. I didn't find much for myself, but kept trying for quite awhile and did utilize a few, briefly anyway. Highly depends on where you live as to its quality or availability.   

Most of all, I can relate to your "thinking about going to heaven to be with my baby," even though I never did end up just staying in bed; too much restless energy and nightmarish feelings for me to not try to distract myself from. But I've felt that way so many times myself, over a few major, devastating losses, as well as over other types of disenfranchised grief that society doesn't/won't yet properly address. Bluntly, it really sucks. And it's frightening to feel that way. But there it is. Yet I'm still here for now, for whatever that's worth.

Imo, I've learned (w/o ever taking them) that drugs/anti-depressants don't help any more than a placebo (power of the mind) @30% on average (usually less than 30% for the drugs) and can even worsen matters, so I always turn to my own custom blends of entirely safe flower essences to help take some of the edges off. I'm pretty sure I've written about them here in the past (I hope!), but if not, you could google them -- most comprehensive resource online is the "FES" (Flower Essence Society) site. They're relatively inexpensive and there are pre-made Grief blends available as well. But I really favour Teresa Wagner's ("Animals In Our Hearts") own blends, developed in conjunction with FES...as well as Teresa's website itself, wholly focused on animal loss. I'd encourage you to check it out as one resource.

I do hope you keep reaching out. Your furgirl thought you were worth a whole lot, and I'm sure she was right.