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Johnny

Lost my spouse to accidental prescription drug overdose

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2 hours ago, Johnny said:

I just now was looking at our wedding photos.

I found this one and it touched my heart because when I zoomed in real close I could see clearly just how happy she was. So I decided to make it ours for this site.

Johnny:  You chose well.  A lovely picture of you and your Rene'e.  Dee

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Johnny, it was really hard when I had to go back to church without my George.  I'm up on the platform as I'm on the praise team (lead singing) and George was always my biggest fan, smiling up at me from the back row, center aisle.  When I looked out at that empty spot, it pained my heart.  It was worse when someone sat in it.  I had to sit in a different spot altogether, I couldn't bear to be in that area without him or seeing someone sit in his place.  To this day, I'm up front and on the other side.

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Thank you Dee and Shirley for your very kind words.

I still have my wife's wedding bouquet. She wanted to make a shadow box to put it in along with our invitation and wedding picture.

I have everything I need to make it for her. I think it would make my heart warm.

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KayC,

I know it must have taken a huge amount of courage to sing again. I know it must have brought you a great amount of joy before. I am still unable to do a lot of the things Rene'e and I used to enjoy. I used to sing and dance for her and she would get a huge kick out of it. She is the only one I ever did that for. She just made me so happy that all I wanted to do was sing and dance.

It's difficult now because I can hardly imagine myself doing anything like that again. I want to be the person my wife fell in love with. 

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In many ways we are the people our spouses fell in love with.  Our core being, the thing/s that attracted their attention, our morals and ethics.  Us older folk have lost the vitality of youth, but that is fleeting for everyone eventually, tho glowing hair and tight jeans did help speed things along.  Then we got intertwined.  So, while my core is basically intact, alll that evolved from that has been altered, some ripped from me and many times I look at that familiar face in the mirror and say....who are you now?  Where did the happy and smiling (for real) Gwen go?  He took it.  I gave it to him.  I can’t get back what I gave him.  I have to settle now from little breaks with people I get that make me feel I matter, but it is not the same as 'being the one' to them.  They don’t notice if I’m home late, or bought a favorite treat.  We don’t plan meals, movies, outings as they have someone to create memories with.  The special holiday rituals are now gone.  Those of you that have family get to taste the continuence.  But there is a void.  Those of us alone have no reason to do them.  Last year it was too much to even plug in our 2 foot tree for Xmas.  I’m reminded of that saying....what if we planned a war and nobody came?  We live that in day to day life now.  Or, existence in my case as this is no life anymore.  It all sounds dramatic in words.  It’s no wonder it has shattered my heart.  I got an email from our money guy and he told me Steve talked about me all the time.  He said it was obvious I was his world.  Now I am left in this one.  Dragging my way thru the days trying so hard to care about living.  I saw my arthritis doc today and they always tell you things that can be done to make your life better.  They mean the body, not the soul.  Babble mode off.  

Long way to say the same thing, Johnny.  I want to be the person Steve fell in love with again.

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2 hours ago, Johnny said:

I still have my wife's wedding bouquet. She wanted to make a shadow box to put it in along with our invitation and wedding picture.

I have everything I need to make it for her. I think it would make my heart warm.

Johnny:  If it will warm your heart, then you do it.  You need to find those little things that give you happiness and some peace on a daily basis.  Dee

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8 hours ago, Johnny said:

It's difficult now because I can hardly imagine myself doing anything like that again.

Johnny, I thought this very same thing.  But one day a couple of months out, I actually did get up and dance.   I can find pleasant feelings in a lot of things now that I didn't eight months ago.  I absolutely know Stephen would want that for me.  He would want me to find some small pleasure in evert day.  Rene'e would want you to as well.

~Shirley

 

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I think it'd be great if you made that shadow box, to honor her and all that you shared together.

Gwen, I have family, but right now you wouldn't know it.  My son's vacation got canceled by his work and I haven't heard from them about Easter so I messaged him, FB says he read it but I haven't heard back, he probably was stuck at work again...my daughter I do not hear from.  Message after message goes by unanswered.  I feel pretty alone.

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Gwenivere,

I feel exactly as you describe "some ripped from me and many times I look at that familiar face in the mirror and say....who are you now?  Where did the happy and smiling (for real) Gwen go?  He took it.  I gave it to him.  I can’t get back what I gave him.  I have to settle now from little breaks with people I get that make me feel I matter, but it is not the same as 'being the one' to them".

It's been five months and I haven't felt a single day of joy like I had with my wife

I lived a very long time alone before I met my wife Rene'e. You know the feeling you get when no matter what happens, as long as you have the one you love most, everything will be alright. 

That is the feeling I miss.

My eyes always feel like I've had a good cry; tired. I hardly ever used to have headaches, but now I always seem to have a dull one. Maybe coming from my heartache. I know I am trying real hard to be strong,  but I am only fooling myself and I am glad I don't have to here.

Everyone is brutally honest about what it is like now and I am so very much appreciative. Grief is exhausting enough without always having to feel you have to put on a happy face. Seems like it's just great effort holding steady then down in the trench, a never ending cycle.

I was always an optimist who preferred to look at the things I was grateful for having. When my wife was overwhelmed by her daily struggle with pain (she suffered from degenerative arthritis - three back surgeries and two knee replacements), I would tell her that it helps me to think of one thing in life that I love more than anything, and hold on to it. Now I don't seem able to follow my own advice. I think that for me, since my wife passed, I just can't imagine that I can ever be the person I was when I was with her. I have convinced myself that I will always feel this way. Less than. The ethical, loving, caring person is there still, but the joy and that old fight seem to be gone right out of me.

I have family, but they are about 130 miles round trip away. I would always travel to see them for the important holidays and birthdays, when I was alone.

When I was with Rene'e, I was so very happy we could spend our holidays together, just her and I, if we chose to, without having to go anywhere. The Christmas tree is a very hard one for me. It almost killed me to take the tree down this year. Rene'e and I had only hung the lights and half the decorations when she passed away on November 30th, 2018. I left the remainder of the decorations on the table by the tree until Christmas was over, right where she left them.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding.

 

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, I have family, but right now you wouldn't know it.  My son's vacation got canceled by his work and I haven't heard from them about Easter so I messaged him, FB says he read it but I haven't heard back, he probably was stuck at work again...my daughter I do not hear from.  Message after message goes by unanswered.  I feel pretty alone.

kayc:  I am hearing you where our kid's life is so busy or different than when they were young and our parents were always included in holiday celebrations.  My daughter lives 6 hours away and is dealing with her health issues.  My son lives an hour away with a family situation that I had wished he hadn't gotten himself involved in.  My two grand kids have different mothers and sometimes there are other children from the second mother's marriage in the mixture.  I find myself home alone on these special days a lot.  But, I find with my age, I am happier home alone with my fur baby, Maddie,  in a less noisy environment.   I just had my two grand kids (age 12 and age 7) for two nights last week and am finally getting my house and my sleep back to normal.  Was fun to have them visit, but boy does my age show it.  I realize your grand baby is still an infant and they do change so quickly.  Hopefully, you'll find yourself on the road for a Blessed Easter with your family.  Dee

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KayC,

I have no family of my own never having had the blessing of children. My mother messaged me last week and asked if I would like to come for Easter. I know that being with family is all I have left now so I am glad for a chance to see everyone. I hope you hear from your family as well. It will be bittersweet for me because the last time I went home to see my parents for the holiday was last Christmas. I wasn't planning on going then. My wife Rene'e and I were planning on spending our first Christmas together at home. It would have been the first Christmas I ever spent in my home since all the times for the previous twelve years I've lived here alone because I always spend Christmas day away from home traveling to see my family elsewhere.

I was so looking forward to having our first Christmas together as husband and wife in our home. It was something I always dreamed of but unfortunately I lost her.

I know all too well what it feels like to be alone. Christmas will never be the same for me. The Christmas I wanted is the Christmas I can never have.

Christmas with my dear beloved wife Rene'e.

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My grands are age 2 and nearly 4, yes changing every day.  I try to see them once a month but this month's get together got canceled, I was hoping to still have Easter but alas we make the best of what is.

Johnny, I'm sorry you didn't get your Christmas alone with your wife in your home.  I remember my son and his wife having their first one alone in their home, and although I hated being alone on Christmas, I understood.  George and I never were alone on Christmas as he'd drive 120 mile round trip to get my mom and bring her up here, with my kids and us, then when the kids went to their dad's, we'd make the 120 mile round trip again to take my mom home to the valley.  I miss that, now they're both gone and the kids long flown the coop.

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16 hours ago, Johnny said:

The Christmas I wanted is the Christmas I can never have.

 

I´m on the same boat. The two Xmas Eve I organized to be spent the two of us alone, were cancelled because he was hospitalized. I remember decorating our first appartment, and it didn`t happen. I remember spending our first Xmas in hospital, I was so sad. Like a little child. I couldn`t hide my sadness. It was too much to handle. I hated Heavens for breaking my dreams. He was better than me in so many ways, he tried to do his best, from a hospital bed, to make me happy. I was overwhelmed, I couldn`t be.

Oh God I have tears in my eyes now. I behave like a stupid child and I will never have a second chance AGAIN! 

So, I have never had a Xmas with him as any other couple does, with a tree and a meal and a Xmas breakfast, and now I will never have. Because of that, I hate Xmas, as it is the day of things which will never be.

Xmas, Easter Holidays and etc are just any other breaks in the calendar and I don`t pay much attention about what do I do those days. 

 

 

 

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When daughter Katie moved to Illinois in June 2014, I was excited. It was finally going to be time for me and Tammy to go on trips alone together. Some nice, quality "adult time" without distraction. Katie was basically a good kid but was quite a challenge at times, to say the least

Sadly, it never quite worked out that way. Tammy's health was deteriorating. She couldn't even attend Katie's graduation but we were able to Skype the ceremonies to her at home, in bed. Those romantic trips never happened. And by December, her health prevented her from really even getting out. You may remember that Christmas was Tammy's favorite holiday and we were married on December 24th. Needless to say, it wasn't an easy or joyous time but at least we had each other.

By January 2015, Tammy was back in the hospital...  and in March, my beautiful, wonderful, perfect for me wife, was gone.

 

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Whatever I feel, it can't compare to what you've experienced, I got that time alone, but it was way too short, I'm sorry you, Mitch, and Ana did not realize that dream.  I found out last night I will be alone on Easter, wish the kids could have just been up front and told me to start with.  Will have to make the best of it, this is life now.

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There aught to be people in all of our lives who we can confide in to help deal with the tremendous loss. If someone wanted to tell me something that was such a deeply personal experience, I would feel honored to be chosen. I am so very grateful for the empathy, understanding, and respect I find here.

Met my friend Phil at Church for 6:00 service and then out for dinner afterwards with him and his wife Suzanne. At Church, they did the "foot washing" in honor of Jesus when he washed the disciple's. Husband and wife couple, after couple, went forward to wash each others feet. It was beautiful symbolism that once again brought me to tears.

Seems there are unending ways to remind me that I am alone. Believe me, I think I get it by now.

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Unfortunately you will keep 'getting it' as couples will always surround you.  That was very hard to take when I began this journey and still gets to me at times.  Why them?  Why us?  Easter is bringing all kinds of plans out people have with thier partner or extended family. I  Bought an Oreo Cadbury egg I will eat because after decades it’s tradition.  Point is, nothing you, me or anyone else here does is the same anymore.  It can’t be without them.  We can go thru the motions, but that’s it.  No feedback, no sharing, no laughing, no anything it took two to have happen.  Don’t even get to share things that happened to us or them while we were apart. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.  It begins the moment they leave us.  Time passes and keeps bringing around habitual reminders too.  Changing the bed that is only half used.  The placemat that is always empty.  The car that never moves unless I use it to keep it running.  The reaching out in the dark to nudge him to stop snoring.  The falling asleep while he read with my head buried under the covers.  It’s......too simple now.  I hate how simple this existence is.  I want the mess, complications, misunderstandings and solutions.  I hate that no matter how many lights I turn on this house is always dark with his shadows.  

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

The reaching out in the dark to nudge him to stop snoring. 

Gwen:  Oooh what I would give to hear that wonderful sound of my hubby snoring as I tried to sleep.  Dee

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16 hours ago, kayc said:

I found out last night I will be alone on Easter, wish the kids could have just been up front and told me to start with.  Will have to make the best of it, this is life now.

kayc:  Sorry to hear the Easter plans didn't work out.  And yes, we are too often having to make the best of what our life is now. Dee

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Gwen I'll envy you your Cadbury egg, I have my A1C Monday morning so no can do.  :(

I don't remember George snoring, but I loved the soft sounds of his sleeping/breathing, miss it, it was so comforting to hear.  Now I listen to my dog's breathing, which is also comforting as it means he's here.

Johnny, that's hard.  Surely you aren't the only one solo, did they not pair you up with someone?

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