Devastated and Alone

[Buster's Mom]

Biscuit's dad -

Just checking in, how are you holding up?  Sending good thoughts your way. 

[BiscuitsDad]

Hi Buster's Mom,

Thanks for checking in with me. I'm doing okay, had a few setbacks but I'm hanging in there. I hope you're doing well?

 

 

[Buster's Mom]

I'm glad you're doing ok. It's natural to have setbacks, but it seems like we're both moving through it all.  I'm also ok, just miss my fluff alot.  We received his ashes and paw print and lock of fur from our hospice vet, and that was very emotional.  It is both very real and very unreal, still.  

Sending you positive thoughts and comfort.

 

[BiscuitsDad]

Thanks, Buster's Mom. Getting my boy's ashes was very hard and I still have a difficult time looking at his urn. I cannot look at photos yet without crying but overall I've improved. Real and unreal is a good way to describe this new normal. There are times when I still can't believe he's gone.

I'm glad to hear you're also getting better. 

 

[kayc]

I got my husband's ashes in a plastic box as I planned on spreading them on our property eventually...it was about the size of a Kleenex box.  I couldn't understand how his body could be reduced to something so small!  They said he was very dense (no fat), yes he was in good shape...but still his heart failed.  I remember putting his pictures up on the wall, taking them down, up, down, depending on what I could handle at the moment, what brought me comfort.  Finally they were up to stay, but that took a while.  I imagine it might be that way for you, and in time as you look at pictures of your cat, you will remember the good moments you shared, how sweet he was, how beautiful, what a close bond you had.  And you know what?  I still think that bond is there, even though their physical body dies, their spirit continues and so does the love we share...we are never forgotten to each other.  We keep their memory alive in our hearts.

[Buster's Mom]

KayC,

Thank you so much for sharing that, I so appreciate your openness and willingness to share.

I think it is important to remember that there are good days and hard days. I don't call them "bad" days so much, because they are hard but they are necessary, it's necessary to feel what we feel in order to cope with it.  It can be so hard though.

Biscuit's dad, one thing that's helped a little is making a bit of a ritual around Buster's urn. I put it next to a picture of him with a candle. Sometimes I light the candle and just lay my hands on the urn and give myself permission to feel whatever I am feeling.  I've found that by making time to do this, it releases a bit of the grief and allows me some time to honor my own feelings and accept little by little the change that has happened.  I don't do it every day.  I still miss him everyday though.

I've also signed up to volunteer for a local cat rescue and am working towards being ready to adopt another cat, when the time is right.  No cat can replace my Buster, he was truly my "heart" cat, but I think it would do my heart good to help another animal live a decent life outside of a cage. We'll see, not quite ready yet. 

Sending you all lots of support and I hope you have a day where you get some time to be kind to yourselves.

[kayc]

I think that is a great idea and a win/win for you and the rescue cats.  I would love to do something like that if I lived closer but it's cost prohibitive to make the drive as it's about 140 mile round trip.

Do let us know when you start, what you're doing, how it's going.  I love that your outlook is positive and yet realistic.

[BiscuitsDad]

Buster's Mom, I think that's wonderful you're volunteering at a rescue and considering adopting another cat in need. I can say from experience that fostering or adopting another kitty does help immensely. They will never replace your Buster or my Biscuit but caring for a needy kitty helps. It's helped me a lot. In the month since I lost my boy I have started fostering two kitties that were rescued from the streets. They were in terrible shape. Both have had all their teeth extracted and one (Kiki) is recovering from adenocarcinoma which caused her to lose her tongue and she now requires a permanent feeding tube. The rescue organization I work with put together a video of Ellis which I've attached here. The last few images in the video are of him at his new home with me. I've also attached a photo of Kiki with her new feeding tube collar.

I accidentally call Ellis Biscuit at least a couple times a day before I catch myself. I still miss my boy so much and it hurts terribly and I'd give anything to have him back with me. Even today as I was cleaning, I could not bring myself to throw away his sub-q fluid bags. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to part with them.

I was able to reposition his urn more centrally on my bookshelf in the living room today. The first time I've been able to touch it without crying. But just typing this I feel tears coming thinking about him.

Thank you so much for sharing your progress. And thank you KayC for being so present here on the forums for those of us new to our losses. Your insight, kindness, and sharing has been so important to my healing.

I hope you both are having a good day.

 

 

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing the picture & video. It's great that there are caring people working to rescue these little ones that otherwise would not make it!

[Buster's Mom]

Oh, I love both of them, they look so sweet!

I'm so happy you are doing such wonderful, life-saving work.  I hope it helps you feel at peace.

On Saturday, my partner and I adopted a sweet tortishell kitty that had been overlooked at the shelter.  We are still letting her tell us her name, and she is very shy but sweet.  She was passed over because she likes to give love bites and is a little overstimulated when she's pet, but she is a sweet girl.  I have to say that I cried on the way home from the shelter thinking about Buster.  I was not clearly "ready" to adopt another cat, but it's been lovely to have her at home and to start to slowly, patiently get to know her.  At some point I realized that my heart was not going to just mend, and that whether or not I adopted a cat that I would be mourning Buster for a long time.  There is simply no replacement for him.  I don't feel guilt, perse, but it is emotional and I'm crying more frequently each day, and thinking all the time about Buster.  Particularly because he had a similar, overstimulated personality when he was young and we had to learn to communicate with one another. But it is healing too, knowing that little girl to be named soon doesn't have to stay in the shelter any more and to watch her grow more confident each day.  

 

Anyways, what you are doing is wonderful, and I think it's good to know that this is a process, and lots of people go through it.

Thanks for listening, and I can't wait to see pictures of those sweet cats as they heal and grow ever happier.

[kayc]

Buster's mom,

I wish you many good years with your new cat.  You are right, getting a new cat won't heal the hole from Buster, but it will fill your days with this new personality and you will come to love her.  And it's so nice to rescue one that needs a home!

[Bailey’s Mom]

BiscuitsDad,

It’s really wonderful that you’ve taken these steps of helping kittens that need special loving care!  Many people just will not accept an animal with medical issues or that are imperfect in any way.  I’m sure those sweet kittens are very grateful that you’re willing to care for them!  I hope very much that you’ll experience an amount of healing in your heart of the grief that’s been unbearable.  

I know that there’s no replacement at all of your sweet boy, your Biscuit.  I can hear your pain which is still very much a part of you.  You loved him much thus your grief is deep.  But your love can now also be shared and do so much good with your volunteer work!  I just had to let you know how wonderful I think it is that you’re helping other kittens now!  It would be easy to isolate and stay in your pain.  But, you’ve chosen to do so much better!  Not everyone would be able to do what you’ve done, and that’s okay, but I know these cute kitty’s are deeply grateful for your loving care and I so hope you’ll find elements of joy as you touch their soft fur and look into those beautiful big eyes.  It’s just really great!

My Bailey was born with severe hip dysphasia and at age four months when I learned of it the vet told me that her issues were so bad that she was not a candidate for hip replacement surgery.  He told me that it might be best for me to put her down.  I was head over heals in love with my “baby” and sat in my car with her just weeping.  Bailey was a huge surprise two months before that as a Christmas gift from my young adult children.  I took Bailey out to a country vet for another opinion and he told me that Bailey wouldn’t be able to run as fast as other dogs or jump as high, but he thought she could be a wonderful companion!  He said that she might not live as long as other Springer Spaniels, maybe 7-8 years, but she could have a great life.  And she lived about 11 1/2 years and did have a mostly good life!

i was diagnosed with a neurological pain disorder (RSD) a year before Bailey came to me, so I was also limited physically, but it was as if Bailey and I were made for each other.  She and I were together 24/7, which we both loved!  Just as your Biscuit was your best friend, my Bailey was my very best friend and I know what you mean about having trouble with the reality that he is gone.  I will turn sometimes to tell Bailey something like “it’s raining!” but she’s not there and it still really hurts!  I just can’t believe she’s really gone and miss her terribly.

i would guess that you’re like me in having a million things that remind you of Biscuit.  I’ve got a few pictures of Bailey that I’ve just now been able to look at and hold onto and not break down.  I’m sure it would help me to get out more and volunteer at a shelter, but right now my own health just won’t allow me to drive or do anything like that.  I’m holding on to hope that I’ll be able to do that in the future.

When I read your first post about Biscuit, your grief was so very raw, as was mine, that I broke down weeping for you, understanding too well the pain I was reading about.  Now I’m glad for both of us that our love for our best friends is just as deep yet the pain somehow isn’t quite as bad.  I don’t think any of us could survive it otherwise.  I’m still so terribly sad and miss my Bailey so much as I know you feel about Biscuit.  I hope we both, and we all find the next right steps forward.  I don’t actually WANT to go forward, I want to go backward, but just don’t have that option.  For all here who hurt I wish for you peace and the comfort of God’s love.

Bailey’s Mom

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Bailey’s Mom said:

And she lived about 11 1/2 years and did have a mostly good life!

It shows what TLC does!  I'm so glad she had you!

[BiscuitsDad]

Buster's Mom, KayC, and Bailey's Mom,

Thank you all so much for your kind words and for sharing your stories.

Buster's Mom, that's so wonderful that you adopted a shelter kitty. She will never replace Buster but I'm sure she will become a wonderful companion and her own sweet personality will capture your heart before long. I can't wait to learn her name and would love to see pics! Ellis and Kiki will never replace Biscuit, but their personalities are starting to come out as they get more comfortable. It helps me so much to have them to care for. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Biscuit at least a hundred times. But each day is a little easier in spite of the occasional setback.

Bailey's Mom, I'm so glad you got a second opinion when the first vet recommended euthanizing Bailey. It allowed you to spend so many wonderful, happy, loving years together. What you said about not wanting to go forward but back -- you captured my feelings perfectly. As happy as I am to provide care and a loving home to these needy kitties, I would give anything to go back and have my boy with me again.

I wonder if the sadness ever truly goes away or if it just sits down inside waiting to surface at the slightest provocation. It takes very little these days to elicit a tear or a lump in my throat. But as we're all doing, I get up each day and I move forward, my days forever lessened because of my boy's absence. But I endure as we all must.

Thank you all again for sharing.

 

[Bailey’s Mom]

 BiscuitsDad,

You’re an inspiration to me!  When I first came to this forum the very first post I read was your first post in this discussion.  It broke my heart as almost everything you expressed could have been written by me.  My pain, loneliness and feelings of being lost were just like you described.  To be honest, I was concerned about you and if you were going to be okay.  Now I understand that my concern was likely about ME and if I wold ever be okay.  

I know that if you allow yourself to think about Biscuit, and how can we not think about our friends that we lost, it will still bring a sharp pain and sometimes a tear.  At least that is still often my experience.  But you’ve inspired me so much by already taking steps forward in caring for the newest little kittens that you’ve taken in to your home and heart.  What a tremendous effect you’ll have in their lives!  What a difference I’m sure they will have and are having in your life, too!  Every day now I think about adopting a puppy possibly with special needs!  I need to proceed a bit carefully because I’ve got health challenges that would make it unfair for me to get another large dog or super strong dog.  But, I’m encouraged and motivated and after I get cataract surgery and a few other medical issues taken care of, I want very much to make a difference in a dog’s life.  And I don’t know that I would be open to this if I hadn’t seen you take steps forward like you’ve done.  So, thanks for being an inspiration to me to not just isolate and sink into a deeper depression but to take those hard steps forward. One day maybe I’ll be able to post a picture of my new family member.  I had thought that I just wouldn’t be up to it, but I can get up to it, I think.  I’m so glad that by your example you helped me believe that I could.

I don’t know if our tears will stop ever.  Right now I don’t want them to because that would mean (to me) that I was feeling even that much further away from Bailey.  And I don’t want more distance from her.  It hurts so much to contemplate distance like that!  But I wanted to say thanks to you and I hope you can make many new sweet memories as you care for Ellis and Kiki.  

[kayc]

It's true in life in all sorts of instances that we want to go back but that's never an option to us.  Sometimes if we're lucky we get second chances but nothing is ever exactly the same as before.  With death, however, it's not one of those options, all we can do is go forward but in the meanwhile, it's important to sit with our grief and I've learned we can't rush it or gloss over it.  It's wonderful to have new companions to fill our lives, and we provide for and care for them, but meanwhile, there's still that tear sliding down our face for those we miss.

[BiscuitsDad]

Bailey's Mom,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad I can inspire you. I do hope you're able to improve your health with the upcoming treatments. That would be doubly amazing if you could adopt another little dog who needs a loving, caring home.

Like you, the idea of moving further away from the pain has given me so much anxiety (especially in the beginning) because it always felt as though as the pain lessened so would my boy's closeness to me.  As I heal, he just feels further and further away. I can't so easily recall the little things like how his fur felt beneath my fingers or all the different little meows he made depending on his mood. When I try to recall such things they seem muddled and unclear like they're losing focus. Every day he becomes less present in my life and more of a memory and this just breaks my heart (here come the tears).

Healing is such a long, hurtful process. Having Kiki and Ellis to care for certainly helps me feel less lonely. But I still miss my special boy so very much. 

I hope the days are treating you better. I hope your sadness isn't as deep. And I do hope you're able to one day soon rescue a little dog who needs your love.

Take care.

 

 

[kayc]

Don't be afraid to let the pain subside, it is natural it should, we couldn't sustain continued anguish of this magnitude forever, that's why our body is made to adjust to changes, even abhorrent ones. Try to keep in mind that it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that will always continue.    Our pain and anguish does not testify of our love, but our continuing with all that we learned and received from them does as it shows it made a lasting effect on our lives for having had them in it.

[Maylissa]

I've been too busy to even respond to date, but have been reading all your entries all the same, and while there's more I could add in bits and pieces, what I really want to say is that you are ALL so inspiring, and possess far more courage than I had, especially so early in my and your grief journeys. It's just amazing, and bless you ALL!

[Bailey’s Mom]

Hi BiscuitsDad,

i don’t know if you ever still come by here but tonight I thought of you when I came to make a post about my Bailey.  So, if you see this I hope you are doing well or pretty well as we reach the two month sad anniversary of losing our little best friends.  I thought I was beginning to do better, but tonight has been almost as bad as just after losing her.  Anyway, I just wanted you to know that another mourner thought of you and I do hope you’re feeling more brightness in your life.  If you see this, go look at my “discussion” and pictures of Bailey if you’re interested.  I’m partial but think she was pretty cute.  For certain she was sweet and silly.  Im wishing you the best under the circumstances.

Bailey’s Mom

[BiscuitsDad]

Hi Bailey's Mom,

I'm sorry you had such a setback. I hope you're doing a better. I meant to reply sooner. I tried a couple times but doing so brought it all back. Selfishly, I didn't want to start having those thoughts again. In the beginning I was so afraid of forgetting my boy. That by losing the pain I would grow further away from him. It's inevitable that happens I suppose. When I do think of him these days I'm able to shake loose the negative thoughts before they get too tight a grip on me. I still cannot even look too long at my boy's photo on this forum without getting a knot in my throat. I know if I let myself I could easily fall right back into the sadness.

My 3 fosters are keeping me busy these days. They are a handful and I sometimes think I've taken on too much due to their various health issues. But they do keep my mind occupied and were instrumental in helping me heal. I'm grateful for that.

Your Bailey was so adorable! Such a sweet, happy face. Her personality shines through in the photos. I'm guessing she was partial to tennis balls.

It's just so sad they have to leave us so soon. I wish we had more time with them. There's just never enough time.

I hope your days are getting better. You're in my thoughts.

Biscuit's Dad

 

 

[BiscuitsDad]

My foster kitty Kiki (photo above in previous post) was ready to pass with help today but I convinced the vet to let me take her home for the night. Someone will be coming tomorrow to help her go peacefully at home. For now, I've made a pallet for her in the bathroom. I've also made a pallet for myself right beside her so that I can sleep there tonight and be next to her.

Kiki was an abandoned street kitty that I fostered after my Biscuit Boy died. She had a permanent feeding tube. We knew her prognosis was grim and it would all be temporary. But the news does not help it hurt any less. I'm surprised how much it's affecting me. I've been crying all day off and on. I feel like I've failed her in some way. That I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't insist on the vet checking her feeding tube when I suspected something might be wrong, when her behavior had changed in the past several weeks. 

I made excuses. It was my 3 other foster cats and their health issues. It was my latest foster cat who urinates everywhere except the litter box. It was my other foster with his skin condition and diarrhea and multiple medications. It was work. It was stress. It was this. It was that. She's fine. She'll bounce back. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, right? I'm feeding her and giving her her medications on schedule. That's enough right? Who am I kidding.

I could have made more time. I could have sat with her more. Spent less time at my computer. Given her more attention. I could have been more proactive with her health. I tried telling my foster service about her declining health but they didn't seem too concerned. Of course, my case is one out of hundreds I'm sure. Just one more sick kitty they have to deal with. I should have been more insistent. But she ended up taking a backseat to my other fosters who demanded more of my time and sought out my attention.

Now I'm left with another impending death for which, like my precious Biscuit Boy, I blame myself. I could have done more. I should have done more. I took her time with me for granted. The same as I did for Biscuit. I tell myself I won't do that again. And yet I do. Every single time, I do.

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, BiscuitsDad said:

I could have made more time. I could have sat with her more. Spent less time at my computer. Given her more attention. I could have been more proactive with her health.

I think we all feel like that when they go...the moment we spent on anything else is now a moment we can't get back...I'm feeling like that with my dog but I know I was the best mom in the world to him.  We do have to do other things, get groceries, clean the house, pay bills, etc.  But the truth is we DID give them time, there were bellyrubs, walks, treats, kisses, playing games, etc.  Your little foster is sicker than most, it's sad, yet you have given such good care of her and thankfully she doesn't have to go out of this world unloved, uncared about...she owes that all to you, you've given her the best gift you could, your heart and home.

You'll be in my thoughts today as you help her transition to what is next for her...that better place we all long for.  Please try not to look at what you didn't do and focus on what you DID do and gave her, that is what she will remember.